Stoner Mom Diaries | Nosce te ipsum

Any mom, any town, USA. I am your neighbor/co-worker/PTO member/non-traditional grad school candidate/aspiring chef/stoner mom.

If I may implore, what is it about our DNA that craves gossip? You know – the dirt. The 411. As much as I would like to say I don’t participate (I don’t like to verbally contribute, per say) – I have listened to it. Or, read about it (we have a police blotter that’s full of, um, interesting offenses).

Again, since I much prefer anonymity, I will go on record as saying that I live just outside of a major city. A suburb (gasp). Let me interject by saying that I swore I’d never live in the ‘burbs, or drive a minivan. I managed to avoid the minivan situation – ‘burbs, not so much. Are the school districts that much better? Meh. City life – to me – meant vast amounts of anonymity (sigh). What’s so important about anonymity? Well, let’s start with the significant lack of gossip.

Anyhoo.

What we don’t lack is dirty laundry around these parts. The list of who’s having an affair, getting caught drunk driving, getting caught shoplifting – I hear a new tidbit every few weeks. The bigger question really begs an answer, though…

Why do people gossip – or, listen to gossip (in my case)?

Scientists have studied social circles, norms, and values for as long as anyone can remember. In fact, one particular research group looked at evolution as a means to explain this phenomenon. Gossip is evidence that our learning has progressed (insert sideways glance). They defined this as “evidence of cultural learning, offering teachable moments, and providing examples of what’s socially acceptable…”. Back to the shoplifting comment: I was recently informed that a mom in my daughter’s school was arrested for stealing a ridiculously expensive “item” – in plain sight. Upon checking the local police blotter for accuracy (I didn’t want to ask anyone else about this, and I was sorta stoned while listening) – there it was. The story, in all it’s glory. I immediately felt bad for her children – she has more than one in the same school as my daughter. I’m sure it’s embarrassing – the gossip is starting to trickle down to the kids. YUP – mine asked if I heard. UGH.

When gossip is looked at as collective criticism (serves to warn others of the consequences of actions: cheating, lying, stealing, etc.), it does take on a different undertone. Historically speaking, it serves to keep people in check (morally). Physically, gossip (good and bad) fires up the prefrontal cortex of our brain. This is crucial for our ability to analyze and navigate complicated human behaviors.

So, gossip as a good thing – have I confused you? The answer isn’t a simple yes/no response. Some believe it’s beneficial, but only for specific reasons. As in, it’s a bit like constructive criticism. When gossip promotes cooperation by spreading important information – this is a good thing. Does your reputation truly precede you – in most cases, absolutely. However, what we tend to forget is that circumstantial gossip does not paint a full picture of whatever is going on with someone (back up to complicated, human behavior). Let’s revisit the concept of shoplifting – this is (almost) always a sign of something much, much deeper.

Remember the ‘Burn Book’ in Mean Girls? This is where my brain goes when hearing the latest/greatest. Frankly, I take most things with a grain of salt and don’t overly enjoy this past-time. My reasoning is quite simple: what goes around will eventually come around. At some point, you’ll likely end up being at the center of something FUH-KING ugly – be it divorce, rough break up, etc. Sometimes, the way in which you chose to be a non-participant in the blah, blah, blah comes back in these moments. Integrity in numbers – be accountable for your actions, and own up to mistakes.

We all make them. That’s the truth.

~SM

On my never-ending quest to explore legal cannabis (I reside in a state that legally allows for medical and recreational), I have discovered RSO. I recently gave this stuff a go – so, I thought I’d share my thoughts.

First, RSO – or, Rick Simpson Oil – was developed by a real person. Three guesses on what his name is – first two don’t count. Simpson is a rather interesting individual – he is best known as a medical marijuana cultivator and activist. For most of his adult life, he was an engineer in Nova Scotia, Canada. He experienced a work-related injury that forever changed the course of things.

As the story goes, he was removing asbestos and collapsed due to toxic fumes. He was taken to the hospital, unconscious. Despite the immediate medical care, he began to experience extreme vertigo and continuous tinnitus (ringing in the ears that is annoying AF). As traditional medication failed to provide relief (no real surprise), he began to research alternative forms of treatment. Interestingly, the alternative medicine list he studied was quite extensive. In the end, though, he chose to cultivate marijuana for personal use.

Sometime in the early 00’s, Simpson developed skin cancer (basal cell carcinoma). Based upon a study published in The Journal of the National Cancer Institute, Simpson extracted oil from his plants and applied it to his skin. The cancerous growths on his arms disappeared – rather quickly.

What exactly is RSO? Up for debate, but it can be defined as a full-spectrum extract. This extract of cannabis oil contains all of the compounds of traditional marijuana (flavonoids, phenols, fatty acids, terpenes, etc.). While RSO can be extracted from any strain, Indica-dominant are often chosen (due to calming, sedative-like effects). The end product is a highly potent oil (>60 percent THC). This is what makes consumption of RSO a bit tricky – dosing is very small amounts.

RSO is often applied as a topical, or taken via oral syringe. I have tried the oral syringe dosing technique. Here’s my takeaway: starting low is key. I speak to that a lot. Why – well, anything consumed (edibles, oil, tinctures) take time to kick in. For me, it takes around 30-45 minutes to feel the effects. An empty stomach may expedite this – I just prefer to eat something before.

On to the best part – how does RSO make one feel? Well, stoned – obviously. Body buzzed, relaxed, pain-free (I suffer from migraines). One of my faves is LePow Extracts RSO (originally released for medical consumption in 2018). The brand was developed by Tye Lam, Marcus Taylor, and David Spector (a retired chemist). The product is rich in cannabinoids. Like Simpson, Spector was suffering from cancer. He states that his vision for LePow was to formulate a product that could support cancer patients through their respective treatment processes. More recently (2020), the team launched a line of full-spectrum edibles containing RSO. If you’re so inclined, https://www.lepowextracts.com

Here’s the downside for some of these products: they are state-specific, and can only be sold in that state (once more, it boils down to regulations). LePow is found in numerous dispensaries in Colorado: however, federal laws prohibit sales outside of that state. (Annoying, AF). As I have stoner friends who reside in other states, I asked for their opinions.

  • California: Lemon Tree x Pan Dulce (710 Labs)
  • Washington: Lazy Bee RSO (stoner friend here didn’t have a preference on which one – she claims they’re all good)
  • Illinois: RSO Relax Remedy (Cresco Labs)
  • Michigan: Sundae Driver x Forbidden Fruit (Galactic Meds)
  • Maine: Nature’s Miracle RSO Syringe (Nature’s Miracle Maine)

One of these days, we’ll truly get our shit together over this federal legalization thing.

~SM

My daughter was five last Christmas. While she has some vague recollections of Christmas past, I’d say five was the golden age for memories made (personally, I feel the same for myself). Enter in our family Elf – Flower (affectionately named by her now six year-old owner). She is a carryover from last Christmas – my daughter was panicked over her return (a first: hence, the memory made).

Funny thought on this: a blessing, or a curse?

I know so many parents for whom this is just another thing to have to do. In the weeks leading up to major holidays, it’s burdensome to have to move the elf doll around the house (and wrap gifts, and shop, and cook, and have a fucking minute to breath, etc.). To top that off, kids talk (read my post Mean Girls - it starts really young). So, how can parents make this fun(ny) (versus another holiday chore to do). See some ideas, below….with links to their respective founders.

Three of my favorites, that genuinely don’t seem time consuming! I’m a huge fan of the ‘Elf Quarantine’, as it is a way to explain COVID (and, responsibility) to younger kids. The other two – a way to self-entertain if you’re a little stoned/high/buzzy when the kiddos are in bed (I’d totally place the elf in a highball bar glass).

PS: the elves are a great bargaining chip if your kids are convinced enough (win/win for bedtime, no fighting with siblings, cleaning up their bedrooms, etc.). Seriously, folks, you can use this to your benefit if you’re creative about it.

Full article link: https://www.womansday.com/life/g29515335/elf-on-the-shelf-ideas/

~SM

Recently, I learned about this gem of a cannabis delivery company (Chicago area) – My Bud Guys (https://www.mybudguys.com). Psssst – you can also reach them via text, (773) 888-DANK(3265). I highly (OK – pun intended on that one) recommend checking out their website. For the Midwest, they have strains that are hard to come by.

Solid example: Apple Fritter (THC 25 percent: photo below). This strain is known for it’s powerful/relaxing high. The flavor/aroma is both sweet and earthy. Apple Fritter’s origins are from Northern Cali’s wine region (a blend of Sour Apple and Animal Cookies). Your result is an Indica/Sativa blend with a legit dose of THC. Relaxing – but, not in a couch lock sort of way. Most online reviews cite euphoric effects – along with significantly elevated mood. With winter daylight hours reduced (snow and cold for those living in the right place) – an elevated mood is always a good thing.

Back to the concierge service for stoners – doesn’t get much better than that. Accordingly, this crew is somehow resourceful enough to get rare strains from both East and West Coasts. Most metropolitan areas do have some form of delivery service (LA, New York, Miami, etc.). But, this one was worth a shout out due to their diligence (as this strain is becoming increasingly difficult to find, even in strain-flush states like Colorado).

If you happen to come across the above mentioned strain, find something to smoke with (my preference is a glass one hitter, or small bong). So far, I have only found this strain in bud form (I’m sure there are many more, if you are so inclined to look). However, once in awhile, kicking it OG is fun.

Bongs up.

~SM

While this convo may be more appropriate towards the ladies reading – men, take note. PMS isn’t some arbitrary thing we (women) made up because we’re lacking on things to do. The truth is, this monthly phenomenon affects 75 percent of women each month – yikes. To add too that, around 20-40 percent are affected so much they cannot function, status quo (a term called PMDD: premenstrual dysphoric disorder). By now, you should know that I’m a data person. I pay attention to numbers, closely. Those numbers are a really-big-deal.

Combing through some literature, I was recently reminded that women used to hold up in red tents at this time of the month. It was treated as a retreat, of sorts (jury’s out on how to interpret that one). In this century, most of us don’t have the luxury of time off to deal with the symptoms that can bother us both before and during (especially the first 3-4 days). Instead, we’re battling fatigue, bloating, pain, nausea, and crying fits all while working, being childcare providers, and doing the fucking laundry – for the upteenth time this week.

The science nerd in me hates this – really hates this. Modern science has given us so much, yet so little. The usual remedy is to throw hormonal birth control at women. Sure – but, staying on birth control pills has a finite point. I threw the towel in my mid-30’s when I could no longer stand the horrible headaches. Personally, I also knew healthy, young woman (my own age, no less) who had a stroke related to the Nuvaring. Luckily, she recovered. It scared me shitless. Guess what, still does.

Now that I’m in my early 40’s, I’d really like to see some hard data on what actually causes this. The old belief was hormonal imbalance (pretty sure I had my hormonal balance and thyroid levels checked as much as one possibly can). The numbers were always in a “normal” range. Great – now what? Here’s my own thought process: I think the vast majority of us are simply that sensitive to the ebb/flow of hormonal levels. Hormonal intervention (birth control pills, IUD’s, etc.), or not. Once levels start to increase/decrease – we feel the push/pull effect.

What happens when you exercise, sleep well, manage your stress, and have a decent diet – yet, still experience PMS? You research things that may actually work. From experience, I will throw out a few of my own remedies that seem to work (my personal experience, here – not medical advice that I received).

  • Red raspberry leaf tea: I found this gem while pregnant with my daughter. I didn’t consume it while pregnant: but, like crazy afterwards. Personally, it helps with cramping/pain/bleeding. The flavor can be a bit overwhelming (as a side note). I never really had a preference on brand – these days, however, I do have a source who grows/dries her own in an organic garden (always convenient). Science has pointed to the presence of bioactive compounds (tannins and flavonoids) for anti-inflammatory protection. This stuff helps me avoid Advil (mostly).
  • CBD cream: I’m a big fan of CBDFx’s Muscle and Joint Cream. At 1,000 mg of CBD per use (one small pump), I find the relief to be quick and effective (I’m prone to back pain, just before and during). The bonus is that this cream is beneficial for other aches and pains, so it doesn’t hurt to have it around the house. https://cbdfx.com/products/cbd-hemp-cream/
  • THC/CBD: I keep citing 1906’s products because they are that good. I’m prone to PMS fatigue – as in, hard to wake up in the morning and feeling a definite mid-day slump. Enter in 1906’s Genius (2.5 MG THC: 2.5 MG CBD) or Go (5.0 MG THC: 5.0 MG CBD). Both products contain caffeine as plant medicines (just be aware if you’re sensitive). Unlike drinking coffee, I feel as if these products do not produce a caffeine crash (read: me being bitchy). They’re also low-dose enough that most people report they can function well (read: not be a train wreck at work). https://1906newhighs.com/about/

Like anything, it’s worth checking in with a healthcare provider if you’re exhausting remedies and not finding relief. Time out, though – these things do take some time to properly assess for yourself. So, as long as you’re not in absolute distress (sorry, that needs a healthcare provider’s prompt evaluation) – give it time. A few months, minimum.

Here’s to relief…and, just allowing ourselves to fucking chill over something that’s perfectly normal (and, clearly been happening since biblical times).

~SM

Do these things really work? Challenges, I mean. A friend of mine was just speaking to a 75-day challenge – WTF. I suppose the jury is still out, but I recall hearing 21 days to break a habit. So, now I’m a bit confused as to what we need to go from challenge to official lifestyle change. Hmmm.

Regardless – why is it that we need these imaginary gold stars next to our names, too? If I complete a series of 30-day challenges, am I somehow welcome into another realm of the universe (if so – cool!). If we can’t complete a single one, are we destined to be a yard slug in our next life (shit, that sucks). Or, do we need a good old fashioned reminder to not put a fucking label on everything. Oh, burn.

Here’s my challenge: let’s not set ourselves up for yet another failure. About 10 years ago, my last New Year’s Eve “Resolution” was….none, zippo, zilch. I had taken a yoga class with an OG yoga instructor in Arizona. In his own words, “Happy New Years, all – let’s ditch the fucking resolutions…!!!”. I was blown away by the roar of applause from the entire crowd (age range: 15-85). Truth: none of my NYE’s resolutions had ever worked out. Why – because they weren’t genuine enough. I was in my early 30’s and still selfish AF.

Rather than attempt to gather a gold star, or start setting resolutions again – I now set mindful intentions. To me, intention-setting is less superficial and more about a shift in mindset. With intentions, you’re far more compassionate with yourself and others. You know the end goal isn’t perfection – there’s no possible way. I believe this increases your empathy towards others, as well. We’re are own worst critics – and everyone else’s, too.

Truth: the advantage to being a stoner is sometimes viewing the world from another angle. At the very least, putting a spin on things that just seem to be so damn – I dunno – been-there-done-that. Rather than simply challenge yourself for the short-term, mindfully decide to make small (but meaningful) baby steps into something with a much larger purpose. Think Bodhi’s philosophy in Point Break (yup – I liked both versions).

Via con Dios.

~SM

If you don’t already know, I reside in a state that has legalized both recreational and medical cannabis use. Initially, I started to explore recreational use to see if medical use could be a viable treatment for migraines (I mean, I also happen to enjoy consuming cannabis – migraines weren’t my only motivation). However: in the last six months, I haven’t had a single migraine – not one (knock on wood). It took some time to figure out what works, and what doesn’t work (be very patient with the process). Like all things physiological, every day is a new day. What works one day may not the next…so on.

Roughly 3 million Americans get migraines every year. The severity (and frequency) varies from age group to gender – but, the most obvious thing (to me) is the age of onset. Puberty. Teenagers (14-18 years): very common. In thinking back, I’m fairly certain my first migraine was around 14 and most likely hormonal. I remember sobbing to my mother who was attempting to leave for a work conference (she was a healthcare provider, now retired). I still feel bad – a sobbing teenager doesn’t help anyone’s cause.

By comparison to some migraine sufferers I know, I do consider myself lucky. A few of my friends/co-workers get them on a weekly basis. Most are women (once again, the hormonal link is most likely to blame).

So, two years ago I had my first migraine in nearly five years (there were a dozen – or, so – after my daughter was born). I woke up with intense pain and nausea (shit’s always fun). Like clockwork, I started to notice a trend: these a-hole things liked to show up just before a period started. Around 3-4 days before. I began to have anxiety over that “time” of the month – would I end up with a debilitating migraine, wouldn’t I. If you’ve never had a migraine, consider yourself lucky. It goes beyond pain. Not only do I have crippling pain – I become horribly nauseated, and sensitive to light. Again – I consider myself blessed as this generally lasts around 24 hours. I know people who suffer for 2-3 days – every single time.

In the past, I have been prescribed Sumatriptan (generic for Imitrex, taken orally) and Ondansetron (generic for Zofran, also taken orally). While both medications do help, there is a steep (physical) price tag for Sumatriptan (for me). I feel wobbly and “out on one’s feet” the next day. While it does work, I feel disoriented for at least 24-48 hours after. Obviously, not ideal when you need to be a functional adult.

So, what seems to be working? Well, my first list of “favorite things” definitely has some tried and true remedies. Let me throw out two more.

Dr. Solomon’s CBD Rich Salve. This one is a 5:1 CBD:THC ratio. This is a transdermal salve that I use on my neck, temples, and forehead if I feel any inkling of a migraine headache (a stiff neck is one of my first cues). For me, this one works FAST. Like any cannabis company, they offer many highly-rated products – this just so happens to be the one I use. Also, like any salve, this one could be multi-purpose (muscle aches, strains, etc.) https://www.doctorsolomons.com

Another is Beboe’s Downtime Vape Pen. Goop’s Founder, Gwyneth Paltrow, has spoken to this product in depth. Interestingly, Paltrow was initially mocked for her alternative therapies/treatments. She’s since gone on to gain millions of devoted followers, and is an advocate of responsible cannabis use. Beboe’s Downtime Vape Pen looks glamorous (like a throwback to the 40’s/50’s), and comes in around 65 percent THC to 15 percent CBD. As the pen is disposable, it is pre-dosed. This is something I like to have on hand – because it is that good. While a bit expensive, I have found it on sale at dispensaries. This is the pen that I reserve for when I feel a migraine headache coming on – occasionally, when I’m having a hard time falling asleep, too. A friend of mine swears by it for insomnia – which is plausible.

Science nerd alert: this particular pen contains the terpene β-caryophyllene. Terpenes are naturally occurring chemical compounds found in cannabis. Preliminary research has indicated that specific, isolated terpenes may be beneficial for a plethora of health conditions (pain being one of them). And, you got it – β-caryophyllene just so happens to be one of them. https://www.beboe.com

I have a deep appreciation for both products, as they’ve reduced my need for prescription migraine medications. Advil, as well. The likelihood of me having a migraine in the future is likely – I doubt I’ve “cured” myself. However, I will take as much remission as I can and continue to experiment if need be.

~SM

Apparently, I’ve been living under a gigantic rock for a few (10+) years. Women can be paid to go on dates (men, too, but the overarching demand points the other way). Wow – what the shit (as my daughter once said – when she was 3). Nope, I’m not lacking wisdom on the subject of the other paid dates (no judgment, whatsoever, FYI) – I just find this whole idea sort of intriguing. To say the least.

One site in particular, WhatsYourPrice, was conceived of by a self-proclaimed MIT geek. Brandon Wade, if you’re curious. Duh – of course I had to look him up. I even queried a professor of mine who went to MIT (he and I had quite the convo about this). Yup – Brandon Wade invented a genius thing. Say what you will – but, a smart woman could make a real go of this thing. With her integrity intact.

Anyone from the late 90’s remember the “bid on a date” in high school? Usually some stupid AF fundraiser for XYZ reason (at least where I went to high school). Well, I sure do – the hottest guys in school went for $50 (which was kind of a lot at that time, considering we were high school girls). To dive further down a rabbit hole: subsequently, the girls weren’t allowed to do a similar version of this. I grew up in Quaker-ville, USA. Legit – this is why I found marijuana in high school – where I grew up kinda (really) sucked. And, it was perpetually 1955. I joke not – I have seen old photos from my formative years. The downtown area literally had not budged since the 50’s. With antiquated buildings comes antiquated lifestyles and thoughts.

So, women join a dating site – essentially – and get paid to go on dates. In some odd way, I seem to think this type of dating may actually deter creepos. Hear me out: if a man is willing to pay $100 for a coffee date, and there are physical boundaries in place (read: the woman is not hired for sexual reasons)….how is this bad? When we consider this from a non-traditional perspective, that is. Remember the antiquated ideas….

Anyway, onward with the rabbit hole dive. Of course, I had to find some real life testaments to this. A woman by the name of Christine chronicled some of her trials and tribulations with traditional dating apps: specifically, the dick picks. Because, women love this phenomenon. Especially from someone we just met. Like, how the fuck do you propose I respond to that? Nice one? Seriously.

Anyhoo – a friend suggested Christine try out WhatsYourPrice (uh huh, the one I mentioned before). She makes roughly $200 per first date. Second dates are not paid (which is legitimately fair). As always, check the following link for the full story…. https://www.insider.com/single-mom-gets-paid-to-go-on-first-dates-whats-your-price-2018-5?amp

By attaching money to a date, do people tend to take others more seriously? Perhaps. Or, perhaps it levels the playing field for some. If someone is lacking confidence, but willing to pay for non-sexual date time…how is this bad? Given the obvious, potential hiccups and the need for safety…all in all, interesting. Wish I would’ve thought of it!

Back under the giant rock, peeps.

~SM

As of tomorrow, my daughter’s school is out. Until after the New Year. Officially, that means two weeks off. Shortly after Thanksgiving, we decided that traveling wasn’t in anyone’s best interests. So, it’s a full two weeks at home. Am I a bit trepidatious – a little. Generally speaking, this is a time when we’d venture somewhere (we did last year – just taking extra precautions). This year, the risks (Delta/Omicron variant(s) and travel costs) were just a bit too much to absorb. Did anyone else think airline tickets were just a little beyond ridiculous, too? Hotels, for that matter? WTF.

As we normally travel, adventures are a bit pre-planned (even if they’re impromptu). Simply being out of town at a new restaurant is super exciting for kids. So, I reached out to fellow stoner parent-friends to get a feel for what the non-travel crowd intends to do. Some of the ideas are pretty classic – obviously, it all depends on where you live.

  • Snowshoeing – if you have never tried this, do! Clearly, you need to have some snow (sorry, warmer states). But, I can tell you from personal experience that it’s super fun when stoned (just don’t take on any dangerous terrain if you’re a beginner). The plus side: it’s a legit workout. The handful of times my daughter did it with me, she was wiped out. For the record, she’s quite athletic. So, that was a pleasant surprise. This one is a win/win.
  • Outdoor ice skating – interestingly, even warmer states offer this! One stoner friend of mine hails from Michigan – pond skating is a really big deal near him. Since the temps have fallen enough, it’s been fairly safe in their neck of the woods (no thin ice, please). See my remark about snowshoeing and tiring kiddos out – skating results in the same.
  • Hiking – warm, or cold! ‘Nuff said. Every hiking adventure with my daughter has been well worth it. We always find something new/interesting to see.
  • Skiing or snowboarding – if you live near an OG mountain, you’re blessed. Truly. I am an avid snowboarder (former skier). My daughter has been working on both (gotta love being 6). Only issue with OG mountain is if it’s a resort – you know the drill for holidays. Hint: I go during the week, and avoid weekends. Especially if a holiday happens to fall on a Saturday (so not going there).
  • Sledding or tubing – shout out if you happen to be near Park City, UT! They have a killer tubing park just outside of town!
  • Light shows – while I do love going to the bigger shows, sometimes a walk through your downtown area is just as fun for kids. Ours is straight out of a magazine (it has been featured in a few). Honestly, my kiddo loves both – she digs the lights. So does stoner mom.
  • Stoner friend bake off – little by little, this list is going to get weirder (FYI). Just envision a bunch of stoner parents texting each other – after the kids have gone to bed and the bongs/rigs/vape pens have come out. So, I am an avid baker – since 13 (swear on my life). It took me forever to learn to poach an egg, but I was decorating some mad birthday cakes in high school. Anyhoo – I have friends (men and women) who are always into the idea of who’s the next “chef”. Some super weird gingerbread cookies have been made (in years past). Since the kiddos eat them, we’re not adding fun ingredients. Frankly, it’s about the funny artwork done by stoned adults (and entertained kids).
  • Stoner parent-friend group cook off – dammit. So not my forte. I can cook – but, my friends can really cook. As in one attended culinary school (literally). Then, law school. Amazing cook and attorney. This challenge has given me some amazing recipes in the past. Actually, it’s how I learned to grill salmon – the right way.
  • Stoner parent-friend “take-a-day” – each parent(s) pick a day to take the others’ kids for a few hours (at most – 4 hours). This is more of an activity for your “bubble” group (I wouldn’t want 25 kids at my house, personally). Our group is about 8 kiddos deep (we’ve all known each other for years, too). Do you ever realize you have that off errand to run two days before a major holiday (and that it would be way easier without your kids in tow)? Yep – me too. This is why this event was conceived. It also gives your kids something to look forward to – seeing their friends (remember when break felt like a month to you).
  • Stoner parent-friend gift exchange – this is stoner code for share your newest bud finds with the group. We’ve even made jars with labels for these.
  • Stoner parent-friend Rummikub, Twister, and Monopoly – any board game, for that matter. This is where we teach kids to kick it, OG. Plus, it’s funny AF watching someone try to play Scrabble after some edibles. Spatuta is a word, right.

A list that could go on all night, folks. The bottom line is that a staycation won’t kill you (I know, I know – I do have little travel fever, too). We’ll live. Frankly, your kids just want to be with you. With a little creative thought, this works – trust me. If you truly think about it, traveling is it’s own chore. I can definitely appreciate not having to be at a major airport this upcoming weekend (or, next).

The responsible mom in me needs to mention that the above listed activities could be done high (and have been) – just be responsible about it (please).

Countdown to break begins….

~SM

This is my diary, and I am a divorced (stoner) mom. Really, it’s that simple. OK – the story behind why isn’t as simple (are they ever?). With that said, I’m frequently asked as to what my “final straw” was in the doomed relationship (more on that, later). To preface this, these questions often come from another writing forum I (guest) contribute to, friends, and friends of friends – so on.

My answer: emotional maturity (or, lack thereof). My ex did not have it, and I did not acknowledge it (not at first). The bigger issue with the lack of emotional maturity was that it was not only my ex, but his ex-wife (the woman stalked me – at work). In her mind, had I not magically “appeared” my ex would have re-married her (I was informed by a mutual acquaintance – cannot make this shit up). Her solution: I wasn’t going away, so the best choice was to condition their children (eventually, my daughter’s half siblings) to hate me. Because, using children as pawns is such a wise thing. It doesn’t fuck them up later on in life, or anything. Pretty sure this is in Parenting 101.

I dedicated years to forging a relationship with two children who thought the worst of me. I spent a mini fortune on the newest, hottest gadgets, Nike’s (Lebron’s are insanely expensive), and event tickets (basketball games, concerts, etc.). I fixed wounds from bike accidents. I gave out cold medicine in the middle of the night when someone woke up coughing. I baked every single cookie recipe I could find. While I was more than happy to do this, the time came when I realized that none of it mattered. The hours of OT I put in with the kids were wiped out by the ex-wife. Each time the children returned to her home, she quashed my efforts with her words. Truth is, I was unable to establish a deeper connection. This was the motive behind shaming me, and it worked.

The caveat: the ex-wife is not entirely to blame. Perhaps my ex, more so. When I was being stalked, verbally ripped apart, and ridiculed – my ex refused to step up. He was also conditioned – to be a bit of a coward. His lack of emotional maturity disallowed him to protect the second family he had chosen to start (self, and daughter). Instead, he kept the peace by pretending none of these things had ever happened. I recall that I begged for him to run interception, at one point. He was far too scared. To this day, I believe the fear was a symptom of something bigger – he wasn’t conditioned to emotionally cope as an adult. Most of us develop our emotional maturity in distinct stages (there have been novels written on this). My ex never reached that point (for whatever reason). Unfortunately, it took me years to recognize this (and quit being in denial).

Do I blame my ex’s children for being wary of me? Not one bit – I doubt I would’ve reacted differently as a child. Truth is, I blame the serious lack of maturity on behalf of their parents. While divorces and remarriages are never an easy transition, they are a natural fact of life (these days). Unfortunately, the only way this works is if all involved (adult) parties act like…well….adults. If you chose to re-marry and/or have more child(ren), you must be willing to protect that family from harm (emotional, or otherwise).

The big question, then: to consider a serious relationship (or marriage) with someone who has children and an ex-husband/wife. There are those who will staunchly answer, “NO-NEVER-SAVE YOURSELF…!!” Frankly, I don’t think this is the answer (it casts all single parents in a bad light). However, the answer isn’t super straight-forward. Such is the dichotomy of life.

A relationship will work (in any situation) if the following criteria are met: trust, friendship, support, respect, love, passion, and honest commitment. Most marriages fall apart because one of these needs are not met (I categorize finances in trust – that’s just my opinion). If any of the above mentioned needs are neglected – forget it. Your life will be miserable. First, second, third, or fourth marriage. Kids, or not.

My final straw (drum roll, please): my ex actually told me his kids hated me. We had separated (I had given multiple warnings). I was momentarily contemplating a reconciliation (we had been communicating well, going on small dates, etc.). However, what started as a simple disagreement completely blew up into how awful of a person I was. My leaving was just cause to let the cat out of the bag – even though I had known my efforts were mostly in vain. In that moment, I realized that nothing I did would matter (this was a heavy feeling). Furthermore, anything bad would always be heaped on me (this had been primed from the start). Being a scapegoat isn’t my idea of a good time (it ended badly for Lee Harvey Oswald, after all).

If you’re at all curious, BuzzFeed puts out some candid articles about relationships. This one is definitely relatable to anyone who’s experienced this: https://www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/shelbyheinrich/relationships-breakup-flipped

Families and relationships are something I like to reflect upon around the holidays. Why…? Well, it’s easy to fall into a trap of craving perfection in situations perfection will never exist (marriage is only one example). My daughter and I have moved on to form our own holiday traditions and hobbies (she and I love to snowboard). Our family consists of blood relatives, and non. Real talk – family is something you make. Anytime you are taken for granted (or, your needs are neglected), consider that true family members go out of their way to nurture and protect one another. While imperfect, the intent is unquestionably there.

Love thyself, the rest will come.

~SM