Life – Slow time travel without breaks or wheel
No, you can't blog about that! They will immediately know you're a nerd. A massive one! Well George, so be it then. Hello. I'm a nerd. Here we go. No turning back now, I guess.
I had some time Friday night and I decided to watch a bit of Star Trek. I ended up watching episodes from Star Trek Voyager season 1. And I mean “characters have just met each other” season one. And now the reader knows you’re a Star Trek level nerd. A Star Trek level nerd with free time on a Friday night. Even I feel like unsubscribing now. Where's that button?
I admit the re-watch made me giggle and laugh. The characters were so “young” (relatively speaking) and didn't know how to “behave” (from my perspective). And while I was watching this grotesque play of actors playing characters who try to play themselves... I got reminded of a quote from Doctor Who. A Doctor Who level nerd. Nothing to lose now, is there?
You know when you see a photograph of someone you know, but it's from years before you knew them. It's like they're not quite finished; they're not done yet.[River Song, Doctor Who, episode “Forest of the Dead”]
That is precisely how it felt. Unlike time travel, I could only observe them and not speak with them. That's the reason you're so glad that your parents never owned a video camera! All those stupid looking toddler and teenage pictures are bad enough! Here, take this one... random grab... look at this smile: No idea of life and whatnot, but smiling. I forgot what I was smiling about but at least I look happy. No wonder, since you only keep the smiling ones. You don't keep pictures of the events you regret. And you both know that you regret. I have a list.
We all regret things. You just accused me of having “no idea of life”. Nobody is perfect, things don't always go as we want them to. Or they do but the plan was dumb in the first place. You should have known better!
Dear passengers, we reached our next stop “Regret station”, city slogan “You should have known better!”. Sarcasm isn't going to save you, you know?
But do I need saving? Let's have a closer look because the spiral of memory and regret is a vicious one.
- Make a (maybe only in hindsight) stupid decision
- Experience an undesired outcome
- Regret it
- Probably keep regretting it
- Become paralysed and limited at future decisions
- Regret. Rinse. Repeat.
Very nice, oh very nice slow clap. Regret is a vicious cycle? And now you tell me that you won't regret anything anymore? We both know you're going to fail trying and – ironically – you're going to regret it for a long time. But go on, give up learning, all your choices will be great and this will definitely not end in utter disaster and despair.
Sarcasm isn't going to save you, you know?
And besides, I never decided to stop learning. But regretting isn't learning. Learning means to not choose the dumb option again, regretting means to not choose again. A roundabout only looks like a vicious cycle until you exit it. But if you exit it, it can give your life a new direction. Do you see the list above, George? The trap isn't to regret initially. The trap is to “keep regretting it”. Here's the exit, the next train station:
- Make a (maybe only in hindsight) stupid decision
- Experience an undesired outcome
- Regret it
- Learn and move on
- Make the next (hopefully in hindsight not stupid) decision
Are you giving me the “All my mistakes made me who I am” defence now?” My argument stands: You should have known better.
You can't be an advocate for learning and at the same time demand omniscience ;) (silence) Maybe I could have known better, maybe not. Regret doesn't change the past. But it does change the present, it paralyses. Regret is a stop on the road forward, not a good place to settle down.
You can stay in the pictures, in the past. You can stay in insecure season 1 of the journey. I prefer to consider myself in maybe season 4: Fully on the road, charting the way as it comes, still adventures ahead. And maybe I am going to make a picture now. Of current me, the – in future hindsight – “young and stupid” me of the next seasons.
I promise you I'm going to smile on that picture.
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