thaison

How did I feel?

First, I felt worried.

I didn't attend orientation because my visa result came in late. So I didn't even know about the residence permit or that I had to do more paperwork. They didn't mind that I came to do the paperwork a bit later than the requirement, but I was sad for my recklessness. I just came in a new country. And I didn't even know how the deposit worked for my renting.

So seeing someone could be dead easily and quickly like that, it does not make me feel unsafe where I live now, but if I have a travel there or somewhere else, that is something I have to be more careful.

Worrying for myself quickly turned into empathy. Because I could see myself having a similar behavior at some point. Could be out of ignorance, could be out of defiance. I believe that people with kids would have more ways to place themselves in her situation and have more sympathy.

Now let’s analyze a different kind of people.

What if, when you have late paperwork, you blame the system for being unfair and ineffective?

What if, when you cause traffic trouble, you blame other people right away?

The result is that you keep the image of yourself as perfect. Yes, you never made a mistake. But you also can't put yourself in the situation when other people make mistakes or reckless decisions, and feel empathy for them because in your mind, it never happened to you.

So when a situation like this happens, everyone else feels sad and expresses empathy. Some of them will be performative. But some of them are genuine. There is pressure for you to be empathetic as well. After all, empathy is a highly appreciated trait in the culture.

Firstly, people expressing sadness reminds you that you don't have the same connection. That causes anger.

And secondly, you don't have any connection with this person to feel empathy. Because you are perfect.

If you choose to express pure anger, you are subject to being viewed as less desirable in society.

If you think you are empathetic, you try to convince yourself and orthers that you are empathetic, you do that by putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. At least that's the definition of empathy.

What are her shoes? You come up with a list that you can observe right away, she is a mother, she is a woman, she is a leftist (you think). Now you think, movies and societies say mothers want to take care of their children, so you tap in that direction. You also heard that leftists want revolutions, so you say, you understand her political cause as well, even though you dismiss her ideas as dumb. That makes you even more empathetic because you show that you can understand their emotional state even though you don't even agree with them.

Your empathy is what you borrow from movies, from songs, from culture. Not from your own experience. That's why it's always cringeworthy.

They often get angry when seeing people cry, especially people of high value to them. Because it's a human emotion they don't have. Politics has nothing to do with it. They would then specifically describe themselves as “empty”, “void” in private without knowing that's the clinical description of nacrissism. I think many of us when reading their writing would think the “empty” just like in metaphor, and not severe. But no, it's very scary to them. They often do a lot of things to avoid the emptiness.

The thing about reading someone disordered’s diary is that. When they describe love, family, friendship, happiness, anger,… it's always material from movies and books (mashup version). But the specific word “void” is definitely original. And it is their only one organic feeling.

Feel super irritated for the last 3 days. Only 4 more days to go.

If I have time, later today I might write a post about why they have to mimic empathy (as opposed to just being aloof like me). They kinda have to and that’s the tell. And why it is inevitable to be cringeworthy.

Well, dude has an entire book describing his mom's BPD without knowing it was BPD, from what I heard.

Narcissistic personality is often more consistent in the defense as contempt is sustainable enough for them to secure them from feeling of any kind of human emotions (because love, weakness, or fear are considered inferior).

“you are worthless”

“you mean nothing to me”

However, borderline personality has the element of abandonment issues, which they need to mirror the mother to secure love. That's just how it started. It does not mean that every time they mirror someone, they want love from that person. Kind of like this, “every time I do this kind of mirroring I get what I want from my caregiver, so I keep doing it with everyone else as well”.

It becomes automatic that I don't think most of the time they have a split second of retrospection “oh I do this because I want you to like me”

It was pretty jarring when they started wearing this ridiculous leather shoes to match me. Not everyone can pull off leather.

Oh they are definitely cheerful.

This cringey post is reaction formation.

I think it was the way they tried to mimic empathy. They always do that.

I read a lot of writing from these types of people. And the way of expressing is always very cringe. But they often think of themselves at the director level of storytelling.

No this is not just rationalization. These people are disordered.

Rationalization would be “The law tells you should do this, and you do that, so that's the consequence.”

Notice how they have contempt for empathy and grief? That's narcissism. Because they can’t process their feelings, every emotional connection is treated with devaluation when arise. And if they see you have those feelings, they can’t process either. Well, except being dismissive to you.

If they devalue the victim,  then your empathy and grief are also invalid.

I love it when objective, rational men can't bear their feelings for more than three minutes and have to come up with craps to soothe themselves right away.

I can draw a backstory for the character –> I’m empathetic, and not just gleeful.

The cop is upstanding and righteous always –> Consequence deserved –> I can’t be next because I love cops! 😍

This person’s loss is not sadness, I shouldn’t feel sad. And people’s sadness is irrational. I can’t stand their irrational emotion <– I’m not a bad person because she is a retard.

I’m not the main character for inventing this irrelevant crap for an emotion I can’t process, it’s HER!!