thaison

Just like you are not actually humble by pretend to admire people with credentials without questioning then acting hawking in secret. You are the thing when you are exposed to enough people with different abilities and have to adapt. You are not depressive (and therefore purposely being seen as closer to reality) by screaming everytime things slightly move away from the status quo conveniently lined up with your ideology and benefits. You are the thing when you exposed to enough contradiction from different sources.

And just like the act pretending to be humble hinders the true potential to be humble. The act of being a fake centrist hinders the possibility of reaching the depressive position.

Hey tutor I'm having fruits in a bucket with yogurt.

Why do I care if you look like depressive but you are not depressive?

Because when you mask your splitting with your centrism, you mistake the landmark of neutrality. Since true neutrality doesn't exist, you pick the location that's most convenient for you and call it neutrality. Convenient how, I don't know. Socially convenient that makes you the most popular among your peers. Intellectually convenient that doesn't require you to search for the conflict evidence.

Someone with rather extreme opinions might be more depressive and less splitting. “How? That doesn't sound like what I learned at school!” Depressive is not a fixed position. It's about as much uncertainty one can bear. The more uncertainty that person is capable of, the more they are open to new evidence and ideas and to change their positions. Your fake centrism is as rigid as splitting. And while it's less offensive than splitting, I don't think it's very reliable, and even misleading.

Not that one way to live is better than the other. Depending on what kind of relationship I want to achieve. Well, if I want a social media consultant, I'll go with the fake centrist. If I want to be heard, I'll go with the real depressive.

In psychoanalysis, there are paranoid-schizoid position and depressive position. So people who know that theory know that the depressive position is a mark of maturity.

In politics, you might find them saying things like “Both sides have grifters and exploiters”, or “The majority have similar views, just the loudest voices are extremists”.

But being a centrist is about as easy as being nice to a customer service people. And no, being nice to them is not enough to make you dating material despite what Reddit says.

But if you know what's the reasonable stand to take, how much of it is how you actually feel and how much of it is you trying to be mature? Many times, you are not actually in the depressive position, but you are in the defense against splitting. And defense against splitting does not mean depressive.

Even when they try to think nice for everyone, why is it wars in a foreign country are mass hysteria? But if your own country is involved, that's legitimate? Just because you don't think people are evil does not mean you are not splitting.

The thing is, you don't know everything. And the depressive position involves uncertainty and anxiety. Question is, is trying to understand it or trying to be a reasonable voice in public more important to you?

Nope. Not getting any better. And now my legs are hurting too.

Feeling stupid today. But I think will be better tomorrow.

“Oh I want to look like a girl nerd because I'm an academic and that's cool. In my academic circle, people who care for look are not for substance. Yes I'm a depressive analyst!”

No, you are a moralizer. Depressive by definition is accepting the world as unreliable and unpredictable. The loss therefore turns inward.

And while we are at it, I hate feminists because they devalue people with more traditional ways of living like my friends and family members. Actually they frequently idealize certain characteristics that I have. But who's in a normal mind would want someone else to be looked down on so that they would feel better about their personal choices anyway?

They do things like free the nipples in public to prove that biological difference is no biggie. Well I guess biology is still up to debate.

What definitely and totally in their control are choosing a career that matches ability and reality, choosing to do math over makeup or the opposite, choosing a partner with a compatible personality. They don't seem to be interested in any of that.

Why change something you can't and spend zero effort on something you can. It's all too familiar with how a narcissistic grandiose not to be achieved in but to escape reality. With reality being who they really are.

I actually haven't bought avoidant as an attachment style, or bought attachment styles in general. But I understand avoidance as a defense.

The thing is the avoidance started because people made fun of my parents, not because they made fun of me. But then I just felt uncomfortable in general with all types of displaying emotions.

After leaving my one real job, I was trying to work alone. Though I did get some gigs illustrating books, I didn't feel comfortable with my expressions. At the same time, I did a side project in my spare time drawing childhood themes. It's not very profitable because the coloring book trend was already about to end at that time. But I did it because I thought it would be beneficial for me to find my style long term. I used to have several books on Amazon with reviews though they are not available anymore.

It got repetitive after a while. But in the beginning, I got scared and almost wanted to cry every time I posted a new picture. Because every story has an element of real life. Either something happened to me, or something I wanted for myself. Feeling exposed. I thought then, I was no longer in an environment that would use it against me anymore. So after like 20 more times, I didn't feel scared anymore. As more and more people contacted me and said they like my expressions, I got even more brazen in the next picture.

Although people had trouble mistaking me as the polite customer service one. I was actually the selfish, arrogant, boy-obsessed one as in the pictures. But, well, I had to sell merch too.

So I wasn't always like this. It doesn't sound like much but it was a huge step for me. I know how an environment can change a person. But you can also find yourself again just by meeting new people.

♫ Overseas from coast to coast to find a place I love the most ♪