view
So then, I woke up, and continued to hate everyone but myself.
view
Got irrationally angry today because of too many bad memories.
See, this is why I warned my sister not to send me outrageous screenshots after 8pm. Can't sleep.
I told Eta just a few days ago that she needs to be careful when looking for friends because many autistic people grow up developing personality disorders.
She worried about my mental health since we were kids because I was always unsettlingly wacky. But we all turned out to be the normal ones. Which was kind of the reason why I made the wrong assessment about other people. I thought they, or at least the majority of them, would be somewhat like us.
“The Nine Degrees of Autism” is overpriced and I don't recommend buying it. But there was a useful chapter describing several outcomes of an autistic child dealing with bullies in the developmental phase.
You choose to be yourself and the consequence is isolation. But if lucky, you might find kind-hearted friends along the way.
Or you choose to mimic social norms to be more socially agreeable, and the consequence is the loss of self. Often later become personality disorders.
Be yourself means you will have to recognize your aggression very early. Not many people choose this outcome, as I found out later. You can deal with it however you think useful, but recognition is important. If your friends find it normal, you accept it as a part of you, not something to hide. People who can accept your aggression, normally are not surprised that you are selfish and greedy too.
This is what people who mimic social norms don't understand. Because social norms are all about saving face. Healthy people understand the difference between public self and private self. Bunch of phony people in public but they treat people close to them considerately and intimately. Half of them are my family or friends who are without autism.
If you explain that to them now, they still don't understand. Because they do that since forever. Camouflaging is who they are more than anything else. You would think, logically, their trauma makes them more considerate of other people. But when you don't process your aggression, you pretend it wasn't there. It becomes a way of life. It's denial after denial. They often have gender problems. They often become exploitative and opportunistic.
Anyway, I go to sleep now. See you later.
view
Oh and people who brag about bottling up in romantic relationships? They see romance as more transactional than they want to admit.
view
I've never seen anyone, GIVEN the chance to talk about feelings, chooses to bottle up. Most of the time, they gave out too much information than anyone wanted to hear. I mean, we are just coworkers. It's gonna make it harder for me to turn on you later.
And those who brag about bottling up, does that because being a victim benefits them better.
But how can they intentionally be a victim if they keep things to themselves to keep the peace for everyone else? If anything, they must be a very selfless person!
A man feels sad about how nobody gets him. He does everything for his friends but receives so little. Even when his friends are rude to him, he tries to forgive them and never complains. But he is sad because even with all that effort to keep the friendships, they don't seem to spend half as much of their effort to maintain it.
What he doesn't say is he needs to keep the friendships because they are also his partnerships in business. If he speaks out his anger, he would then have to deal with a potential financial loss. If he acknowledges he both is angry at his “friends” and needs to keep the relationships for the business's sake, he would then have to face the truth about himself, that he has greed. And that he chooses greed over his authentic feelings.
By adopting the position of a masochistic stand to bottle up feelings, he maintains a dignified position as a person and gets to keep the profit. If anything goes wrong, we can always blame toxic masculinity!
That's why trapped in a toxic environment, it's always the healthy ones leave first.
view
♫ Smile on your face, even though your heart is frowning ♪
view
The problem with being too sensitive is I have emotional reactions everywhere I go even when I don't want it to be a problem. Like I actually feel annoyed listening to Owl City's recent album because it's too preachy. Angry with Taylor Swift's narcissistic writing. But totally normal with Justin Bieber's shallow description of life. Even though I think Taylor has a better production team and catchy tunes.
view
Talking about superpowers. Not all writings can inform you about someone's personality traits or defenses. Only when they write about interpersonal issues. When it does, sometimes just one or two sentences are about enough. Do you know which sentences those are?
view
When political people describe certain groups of people as having cluster B traits, it often comes from people who look at people through the lens of behaviors. So we associate splitting with extreme left or extreme right hysterical protestors.
But the smart ones always know how to hide problematic traits. And if you only look at their political opinions or opinions about the world, you would never know they are splitting. This leaves out a bunch of people who we can only observe through their personal blogs or a very close look to know that they are “discouraged” or “deflated” type of narcissism. Or “quiet” type in borderline. Because they have a problem of looking inward, not a problem of critical thinking.