thaison

When political people describe certain groups of people as having cluster B traits, it often comes from people who look at people through the lens of behaviors. So we associate splitting with extreme left or extreme right hysterical protestors.

But the smart ones always know how to hide problematic traits. And if you only look at their political opinions or opinions about the world, you would never know they are splitting. This leaves out a bunch of people who we can only observe through their personal blogs or a very close look to know that they are “discouraged” or “deflated” type of narcissism. Or “quiet” type in borderline. Because they have a problem of looking inward, not a problem of critical thinking.

Not to brag but I am the emotional support member of the family. Which is a surprise, even to myself, because I never once tried to validate them in soothing voice. Apparently they feel like they can be their true selfish self just by my presence.

Last night I had a nightmare about living in a haunted house.

One of the most astonishing things I ever witnessed was how distorted some people can be.

How come you are so mean to me today when I did nothing wrong to you and even praised you as a good person just this morning?

Well, maybe because yesterday you accused me of being manipulative out of thin air, probably because you do something shady in your own life that has nothing to do with me but you can't deal with your own self and have to project to someone else?

That's how you live your life suppressing your emotions and thinking about your every day as separate events.

All people I know who are big fans of bottling up turned out to be reaction formation practitioners and have very little sense of self.

Why?

A huge part of knowing yourself is knowing how you feel and what you are capable of. People think talking about trauma is useless because you only visit sad memories and can't do anything about it. That's because you talk about it the wrong way.

Talking about things is useless when you only paint yourself as either a helpless victim or a badass survivor who fears no one.

How do you know what you are capable of in the moment of extreme anger? How do you know what you are capable of in the moment of financial loss?

And what happens when you don't think about the past at all? You act in a way that benefits you at the moment while sabotaging you long term. You will always be opportunistic because you learned nothing from experiences. You will never have a sense of self because you know nothing about yourself.

About people I know, they run away from one mistake to another because they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with the outcomes. The capacity that most of us have to learn incrementally as we grow. And they invent “wisdom” at every turn to rationalize why they do what they do. They will continue to sabotage themselves, because life is a sequence, not separate events.

When I was a kid my dad gave me his medals to play as toys. I knotted them with strings and dragged them around the yard. Few years later, they rewarded money to people who were on international missions in the military. And we didn't have the evidence to collect it.

My mom said all the time how my dad left the military too early while having good records and could go further as a career. But he never said why.

I'm thinking about how many of us decide to never tell our stories. Because we are so sure that no one else would understand.

Anyway, the note I wrote for you when I was 20 was just before I dropped out of college and went to Budapest. See you later.

or when it’s medieval outside.

or when it’s ancient outside.

Okay I let you know how I look when it's 2°C outside.