We all like to sit in the dark thinking how well-behaved we will be once we get what we need. But relational patterns don't change magically in isolation. Me getting back to the baseline was the efforts of many people and not just myself or just one more individual. Which is why I can't be there for someone else's recovery. I know how long it takes.
When you mix playfulness with confidence, what you see will look a lot like innocence. But innocence in most contexts implies an unconscious state of being. While the former would be entirely intentional.
♫ When I was thirteen, I had my first love There was nobody that compared to my baby, and nobody came between us nor could ever come above He had me goin' crazy, oh, I was starstruck He woke me up daily, don't need no Starbucks He made my heart pound, and skip a beat when I see him on the street and at school on the playground. But I really wanna see him on the weekend. ♪
Probably shouldn't have dated the first kid autistic already. The romantic talks over friction and battle of Bach Dang can hardly be replaced by favorite food and gym routine.
Choosing to be “friends” with someone out of pity and politeness says as much about you as it does about them. Masochism doesn't sustain all by itself without secondhand motives.
Of all the options you have as a kid, avoidance might still be the most responsible one. No violence, make parents proud, harm no one.
But most importantly, the whole “I don't care” attitude is very attractive and you can totally feel it. Everyone else feels it too.
And it would be a cool idea if it only makes you ignore cruel enemies. But in reality, also people you love.
When we talk about my sadism, I mean I carved the lyrics of the rap song I wrote for a person I hate on their table that one time.
I read the notes friends and family left for me, the words “crazy” and “stupid” have been used most frequently and luckily in loving ways.
But when your parents left you alone at home with a big pile of books and newspapers, meanwhile couldn't afford lego or dump truck. All it did was make you unable to relate to your peers from a young age. And with it came the depression. The last thing you want is also living an uneventful life.
So that boy said “I will tell you the secret if you agree to be my girlfriend”. It has been 14 years and I still jump into any mystery I can find at whatever it might cost.
Last day junior high, everyone cried among their friends. At the same time, I was happy it was about time to cut contact with all of them. Including one of my close friends at the time. It turned out we had nothing in common. He was very social and had a lot of other friends, so the friendship probably wouldn't last long anyway. I was already an avoidant at that time, it didn't occur to me that emotional connection was part of the friendship.
Few months later, his mom passed away of cancer. Out of all people, he called me first. Didn't know we were that close. I showed up the next day, still didn't cry at the funeral while all of his other friends were in tears. That night we made a pact that any time he wanted to talk or send me a text, he was free to do so. And I wouldn't mind what nonsense he wanted to talk about.
Eta was my best friend who grew up with me having the same experiences. But Khanh was my best friend who grew up with me so I can learn about empathy for people with different experiences.