Empathy

It was confusing when you were 10 and told your relatives to get lost for their condescending comments while having constant nightmares about going to prison. Because that's when you realized you didn't care for authority but also smart enough to want a distance from troubles.

Having difficulty managing emotions, prone to meltdowns means I hold affection longer and deeper, but also anger and hate. How does it look in real life? I have the potential to be both a hero and a criminal.

Like, stopping the bully from harassing a girl, which resulted in getting the first death threat for myself. 6th grade was fun. But also, not that great of a person for the whole rap song on the table thing, especially when it wasn't even a real conflict. I mean she made fun of the poor, but I could have just explained to her like a normal person. After all, people gave me plenty of chances to grow up gently.

When we were kids, my sister and I used to argue all the time about how we approached conflicts despite having the same moral values. I accused her of being a coward for not doing the right things. She accused me of being an idiot for not thinking ahead. Luckily we grew up to appreciate our differences so that rarely happens anymore. Because the world would need both kinds of people. And we both learned to have better balance of each trait.

Anyone says their hyperempathy means they are always loving and kind is lying. That's not empathy. That's reaction formation.

Can't fault someone for not having the mental capacity or access to information to draw the right conclusions, which is the majority of the population. It takes a certain personality to think the world is out to get them, enough that makes them spend more time than reasonable to thrive in conflicts. Because most of us have other hobbies too. Normally they are the ones who are blind to the real reasons behind the actions and sublimate grievance to activism.

Transactional Kindness

Being both popular and hated in junior high offered me many interesting interactions.

I don't think I have trust issue, or at least I don't understand what that means. Making judgments is evolution 101. And being unable to trust becomes dysfunctional only when you alienate yourself, and not just because you don't have the same interests with other people.

The reason I hesitate to accept help is, most of the time, people are dishonest about their intentions, even without their own knowledge.

Why do you think parents with over self-sacrificing tendencies also often push too hard their children to academic success? Why do you think “activists” spend 2 minutes of critical thinking to tell you to believe someone because of their gender or a mental illness they have? Why do you think someone wants to hang out with you because they think you should come out of your shell? Why do you think someone's altruistic business ideas often line up with what profits them the most?

Selfishness is not the problem. The problem is the denial of it. And when someone denies selfish stakes in their offers to help, any actions will be justified. What comes out of it is parents' refusal of their kids to be anything less than successful. “Activists” happily destroy someone's career. “Activists” happily “validate” someone's destruction because they are too busy being kind to read the materials. “Activists” happily spread nonsense because they are too busy being hyper empathetic to think about the consequences. (Mentioned them 3 times for personal beefs.) “Friends” are disappointed that you refuse their “help” to become someone else. And business owners are more than willing to destroy someone's life because their cause is for the good already so just get over it.

Actually I only spend 10 minutes a day being bitter and the rest is relatively happy. Because I do have hope and I met reasonable people all the time. But I won't agree with the whole “we shouldn't be judgemental” or “let's spread kindness everywhere”.

And I can accept your kindness, but you will have to tell me your selfish desires first.

Nothing says “I value you as a human” more than memorizing 3 sheets of empathetic stock phrases so you can apply them on multiple occasions.

My sister

When I was 5, I wanted to learn karate to protect my elder sister. That also didn't stop me from throwing sharp objects at her when we argued.

When I was 16, she went to college. One day she declared “It doesn't seem like we act like other siblings, I noticed. They are much more polite to each other. Maybe we should try to be nicer and start calling each other by real names”. That plan lasted for a whole day.

We don't do violence anymore, and conversations involve less calling each other stupid. But as fully functioning adults, we don't stick together because we were born in the same family. We stick together because we finally can stand each other.

Which is why outside of my inner circle including family and close friendships, other relationships upset me very much. When people keep throwing platitudes around “Family HAS TO love each other”, “You don't know how to SHOW empathy” “Helping others is a moral OBLIGATION”.

Isn't it the whole point of any relationship is the recognition of the others? But when you deny my agency, how much of it will be a performance?

♫ If love was a beam, you'd be blind in both eyes ♫

Since language has the same structure as the unconscious, trying to be something we are not isn't as easy as we might think.

It was easier for artists to deliver genuine hopeful and positive messages in the songs they wrote when they were 17. If they try to recreate the magic when they're not in that place mentally anymore, it will not be convincing. For any attempt to moralize, harsh judgments will leak out somewhere else. Any attempt to be masochistic, sadistic will wait right there in the corner. This is why writing from the heart is more important for personality development than writing to be captivating. The goal is to find blind spots, not to teach a lesson.

Taylor Swift, however, sucked from day 1.

Your favourite songwriter gets preachy over time because when people don't face their own demon in personal conflicts, moralization is where they go. Their songs suffer too.

The reason fictional friendships rarely happen in real life is. Good writers understand object relations. And social norms are often the opposite of that.

Last year Eta said that Wednesday character was exactly like me. Which, I don't own a TV, so always thought it was supposed to be cool. But lately I found out she was a pain in the neck to everyone around. Then, that would make my 20s a redemption arc.