My Dad

No I didn't read psychology stuff to find out what was wrong with me. I thought I was perfect the way I was. Still do. I wanted to know what was wrong with everybody else.

Especially my dad. I was highly suspicious that he was more than just a pain in the neck. I knew he loved me, because he kept following me all around town in case someone jumped out from the bushes to attack me. But he was also too critical of me, while didn't seem to have that attitude with my sister. But also, mom said he only listened to me. Now that is just confusing.

Turns out we have the same problem because it's a genetic thing. Which is both positive and sad at the same time. Because I now understand why, but there is very little I can actually do about it. I can't tell people to live differently so they can cure their depression when their life is already tied up with multiple social responsibilities. Ones that I myself don't have because I live in a different generation.

I don't like quotes but here is a good one: “The experience of speaking from the heart and being taken seriously builds the psychic architecture that supports the capacity to bear life.”

I don't think my dad and I have more problems than the average people. Probably why I don't complain a lot. I mean I do. But mostly about the whole “social skills” thing more than about the unfortunate events.

But, whatever I do, is often motivated by something totally different to other people and if I say it out loud it will get mocked. I know that because I already did plenty of times in the past and it's not worth the effort anymore. Hey people can tease you sometimes without bad intentions. But when everyone does, it's a very lonely place to be in.

This is why I want to play so much now. I was already miserable as a kid. It doesn't make sense that I also choose to be miserable as an adult too, when I have the option of “not to be”.

My most ethical business idea was in first grade where I made jewelry from trash and sold them to my friends. So I don't think I should be the one to write a guideline of what's considered morally correct and what's not.

It's also not very delightful to tell people to do exactly the opposite of what you already did, only because you can't live with your own guilt.

We all do things that we are not proud of. Probably should save the whole being a champion of justice for yourself and leave me out of it. Because I sure will do plenty more of naughty behavior in the future. And being seen as a better person than I actually am only makes it harder for me to write apology songs later.

♥︎

Whoever told everyone in 7th grade about their gym teacher's pyramid scheme is still a mystery.

Remember the time I went to economics school because I was really curious about certain issues, only to find out many of the teachers and classmates were there to camouflage their pathology. I mean, gifted kids cheated way more than kids in public schools, so probably should have taken the hints sooner. That adventure was a huge waste of time with 2 years being mute and I still have 7 gym semesters left waiting to be failed.

♪ If we could just be immobile for some time And finally figure out the way we feel About the missing puzzle pieces and cloudy question marks That still look a bit surreal ♫

Probably because I was always hella aware that something really bad would happen if I slipped up so I always assumed other people were also aware of the difference between their own private and public lives.

Which I think is the case for many people. But also, many especially want to believe their public life is the only one true personality and now it's a whole other problem. Because what makes you popular is normally what makes you dysfunctional. And when you insist on believing the false persona only, you deny other parts that make you human.

It's not a coincidence that the most socially successful person you know is also the most psychologically challenged.

It's amazing how my nightmares about ghosts and demons disappeared right after I entered adulthood. Now I only scream in the middle of the night dreaming about going back to school.

♪ Hl gvoo nv wziormt, wl blf drhs dv'w uzoo rm olev? ♫

Vulnerability, probably

It's not that Brene Brown was wrong about vulnerability or that I don't think highly of her. It's the problem that no one has a handbook of what vulnerability is. So we often see the over-display of whether arrogance or being a victim or being a justice warrior. And none of those are convincing. Because we are all multi-dimensional.

Different people and different situations raise different emotional responses and in real-time. Insisting to be just one thing means denying others. And it will certainly have consequences.

No I wasn't using avoidance coping because I thought emotions were weak. I used it because anyone who ever dealt with sadistic individuals knows that they prey on emotional reactions so let's not give them the satisfaction. Over usage of it is problematic. But even then, I had a wide range of emotions to give. But it had to be with specific people and situations. When you call everyone “darling” and think it's your hyperempathy speaking, I have to ask a question: “Is your problem neurodevelopmental, or personality?”. Because anyone develops empathy relationally knows that it's not genuine. And the fact that you can't tell the difference between real empathy and a performance certainly says something about you.

Even when we are alone, all the internal dialogues are formed in contexts of relations with other people. So every day I have different voices as responses to different audiences I have in mind.

And because empathy is the recognition of our own emotional states in others' lives, sometimes it sounds like I'm talking to you because I am. Do you know which notes are for you?