My sister

When I was 5, I wanted to learn karate to protect my elder sister. That also didn't stop me from throwing sharp objects at her when we argued.

When I was 16, she went to college. One day she declared “It doesn't seem like we act like other siblings, I noticed. They are much more polite to each other. Maybe we should try to be nicer and start calling each other by real names”. That plan lasted for a whole day.

We don't do violence anymore, and conversations involve less calling each other stupid. But as fully functioning adults, we don't stick together because we were born in the same family. We stick together because we finally can stand each other.

Which is why outside of my inner circle including family and close friendships, other relationships upset me very much. When people keep throwing platitudes around “Family HAS TO love each other”, “You don't know how to SHOW empathy” “Helping others is a moral OBLIGATION”.

Isn't it the whole point of any relationship is the recognition of the others? But when you deny my agency, how much of it will be a performance?

♫ If love was a beam, you'd be blind in both eyes ♫

Since language has the same structure as the unconscious, trying to be something we are not isn't as easy as we might think.

It was easier for artists to deliver genuine hopeful and positive messages in the songs they wrote when they were 17. If they try to recreate the magic when they're not in that place mentally anymore, it will not be convincing. For any attempt to moralize, harsh judgments will leak out somewhere else. Any attempt to be masochistic, sadistic will wait right there in the corner. This is why writing from the heart is more important for personality development than writing to be captivating. The goal is to find blind spots, not to teach a lesson.

Taylor Swift, however, sucked from day 1.

Your favourite songwriter gets preachy over time because when people don't face their own demon in personal conflicts, moralization is where they go. Their songs suffer too.

The reason fictional friendships rarely happen in real life is. Good writers understand object relations. And social norms are often the opposite of that.

Last year Eta said that Wednesday character was exactly like me. Which, I don't own a TV, so always thought it was supposed to be cool. But lately I found out she was a pain in the neck to everyone around. Then, that would make my 20s a redemption arc.

We all like to sit in the dark thinking how well-behaved we will be once we get what we need. But relational patterns don't change magically in isolation. Me getting back to the baseline was the efforts of many people and not just myself or just one more individual. Which is why I can't be there for someone else's recovery. I know how long it takes.

When you mix playfulness with confidence, what you see will look a lot like innocence. But innocence in most contexts implies an unconscious state of being. While the former would be entirely intentional.

♫ When I was thirteen, I had my first love There was nobody that compared to my baby, and nobody came between us nor could ever come above He had me goin' crazy, oh, I was starstruck He woke me up daily, don't need no Starbucks He made my heart pound, and skip a beat when I see him on the street and at school on the playground. But I really wanna see him on the weekend. ♪

Probably shouldn't have dated the first kid autistic already. The romantic talks over friction and battle of Bach Dang can hardly be replaced by favorite food and gym routine.