xrp-productions

VATICAN CITY—Addressing thousands of tightly-packed, devout onlookers in St. Peter’s Square Sunday, His Holiness Pope Francis extended a firm but gentle thumb from his pristine white garment while revealing the soon-to-be-released ICO for the Vatican’s first cryptocurrency offering, ‘SoulCoin’.

The coin, described by Vatican officials as a “scalable, high-availability and high-throughput” protocol, will offer users an opportunity to interact with the church in a “modern way that has never before been possible.”

“Imagine,” said Cardinal Angelo Becciu, “instead of a collection plate, a QR code is passed around the pews while the people scan their offerings with their smartphones. Imagine instead of being tasked with Hail Mary’s at the end of confession you could settle-up instantly with a screen-swipe. This is just a small glimpse of the miraculous future with SoulCoin.”

Cardinal Becciu added that other use-cases were presently being discussed and prayed upon by The Vatican, one possibility being the exciting but controversial re-emergence of indulgences, this time in a digital, blockchain-based form.

The news release of the coin sparked a wildfire of attention and comments on social media, with many fervently calling for the date of the ICO presale.

“Soon, my children,” said His Holiness on his official Twitter account. “We will announce the date of the announcement soon. Please Like, Retweet, and Follow!”

Tweeting in an uncharacteristically apologetic fashion Saturday, cryptocurrency online news outlet ‘The Block’ retracted its recently released controversial story about dragons destroying all Binance offices in a rain of fire.

The story, defined by many as the culprit for the massive decline in the crypto market over the past two days, detailed “dozens of winged beasts descending from the skies” which unleashed “a deluge of flames and hellfire” upon the offices of the largest cryptocurrency exchange in the world.

“We will address our usage of the language ‘dragon attack’,” said The Block’s news director Frank Chaparro after multiple sources confirmed the story was completely inaccurate.

With most cryptocurrencies, including Binance, losing over 20% of their value in the debacle, many in the industry are not so quick to forgive the journalists at The Block.

“We will be suing them,” said Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao.

BRUSSELS—Addressing an audience of hundreds of reporters and financial-institution professionals Monday, newly-appointed SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso touted a recent study which states that individuals and businesses “thoroughly enjoy waiting long periods of time” to receive funds.

“We now have confirmation,” said Perez-Tasso, “of what SWIFT has been suspecting for years. People don’t want fast payments. They prefer to wait. Indeed, the longer the better.”

The study, commissioned by SWIFT and performed by the Very Accurate Scientific Study Organization (VASSO), reportedly surveyed hundreds of consumers, banks, and businesses, also finding that people “generally favor random, lost financial transactions” and that banks have a “positive reaction” toward “occasional breaches in security.”

“It all makes sense when you think about it,” continued Perez-Tasso. “Variety is the spice of life, after all. Payments that are always fast, accurate, and secure are also very boring, right? And can you imagine if you knew what your fees would be before you sent the payments? Horrible!”

The study’s findings contrast sharply against the views of certain other financial industry professionals and ‘FinTech’ firms such as Ripple, a blockchain-based payments company whose stated main goal is to provide a modern payments network that can “instantly move money to all corners of the world.”

“Our opinion is pretty straight-forward,” said Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of Ripple. “Payments should be fast, interoperable, safe, and cheap. Ripplenet makes this possible. And when utilizing our ‘On-Demand Liquidity’ product with the digital asset XRP, banks and FIs can free up trillions in trapped capital and settle their payments instantly.”

When asked by a member of the press if he thought banks and consumers would eventually warm to the idea of instant payments, instant settlement, and freeing up trillions in capital, Perez-Tasso burst out with laughter for two full minutes while wiping his forehead with a handkerchief.

“Next question,” he said.

Piquing the interest of their nearly 1 million followers, blockchain payments company Ripple announced in a tweet Saturday that their Chief Technology Officer David Schwartz would soon be “down for maintenance” for approximately two days.

The maintenance will reportedly begin Monday, with Ripple hoping to see Schwartz’s functionality fully return late Tuesday night. Though Ripple states the maintenance is “routine,” many holders of XRP (the digital asset that Ripple uses in their on-demand liquidity products) are anticipating significant upgrades.

“I think they'll give him XRP wallet capabilities,” said a member of the XRP online community on Discord. “Wouldn’t that be great to be able to hold your XRP directly on David’s processor?”

“They’re finally connecting him directly to the XRP Ledger,” said another commenter on Reddit. “No doubt. We’ve actually been expecting this for years.”

Though expectations are high, the community has experienced dashed hopes on previous maintenance upgrades, the last of which occurred in March.

“They boosted his FUD-fighting algorithm,” said one disappointed community member, “and also reduced the amount of sleep he required. That was okay, I guess, but I want something bigger! I want something that’s gonna take us to the moon!”

Broadcasting via internet from an undisclosed tinfoil-walled location, the oft-controversial cyber-security mogul John McAfee announced Friday that he has proactively made good on a 2017 promise by dining on his own phallus.

“It’s a done deal,” said McAfee, “and it was actually pretty tasty.”

The odd move comes nearly two years after McAfee tweeted a proclamation predicting that the price of the cryptocurrency Bitcoin, of which McAfee is an avid proponent, would be valued at a “guaranteed one million dollars” by the end of 2020. In a recent interview, he confidently doubled that amount to a staggering two million dollars.

“Yup, not sure what I was thinking on that one,” continued McAfee in his live stream, “Who knows? Maybe it will be. But, I mean, what are the chances, right? Two million dollars? Ha! I must have been a little drunk, lol.”

Admitting that the ominous task lingered “like a sword of Damocles,” McAfee had decided it was “time to take the matter into my own hands, so-to-speak.”

He reported that the phallus was sautéed and served with a demi-glace and accompanied by a bold, earthy Bordeaux.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to quell the raging storm of businesses and individuals pleading with U.S. legislators for regulatory clarity, Congress announced Wednesday that it would soon be rolling out a “bold, 50-year fast-track” to cryptocurrency regulation.

“It is crystal clear,” said Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), “that the people demand our guidance on this new technology. We’re putting this on the front burner.”

The plan, spearheaded by Waters and Rep. Bill Huizenga (R-Mich), lays out a detailed five-decade path to answering burning questions that entrepreneurs say are massively hindering domestic business growth in the rapidly expanding arena of digital assets.

“We will not stand in the way of meaningful innovation,” said Huizenga, “but we must also be responsible. We hope to see the full breadth of the issue after a short two decades of observation. Then, barring any unforeseen circumstances, we can think about beginning to discuss how to properly move forward in the thirty years to follow.”

Though five decades is generally accepted as prompt action by congressional standards, the effort is not without its critics.

“We applaud Congress for taking action,” said Ryan Zagone, Director of Regulatory Relations for blockchain-based payments company Ripple, “but would remind them that the U.S. needs clarity now, not in 2070. With each day that passes without regulatory certainty, we lose more businesses, tax revenue, and jobs to countries overseas who have that certainty.”

Zagone’s frustrations are mirrored by many U.S. entrepreneurs who wish to adopt digital assets and blockchain technology but are tentative because of unclear guidelines. Aware of this argument, congressional leaders thus far have refused to move any swifter.

“Don’t give me this ‘losing jobs to Asia and Europe’ baloney,” said Rep. Brad Sherman (D-Calif), claiming that 99% of all digital assets exist only to buy black market baby blood. “Half a century to regulate it is generous in my opinion. If I had my way, I’d ban it all! Internet too, dag-nabbit! Tell me one good thing that’s ever come from new technology?”

When asked the time frame for the start of the plan's roll-out, the legislators were unclear, responding that they first must get through a few months of mulling, followed by up to five years of dallying.

“After the dallying stage,” said Huizenga, “Buckle your safety belts, because then the 50-year fast-track is about to fire its engines.”