xrp-productions

PORT MORESBY—Blockchain payments company Ripple announced today that their highly anticipated on-demand liquidity corridor between the United States and the remote Hela province of Papua New Guinea is now fully live.

“It is a proud day,” said Prime Minister James Marape, speaking alongside Ripple's Senior Vice President of Global Operations Eric Van Miltenburg. “The highlands region of Papua New Guinea is thrilled to be a pace-setter in the future of global payments.”

The corridor, which now allows Ripplenet members the ability to settle instantly between US dollar and Hela Tuk-Tuk using the digital asset XRP as a bridge currency, is the newest and perhaps most exciting on-demand liquidity path to date.

“Hagui, Okiru and Liwi tribesmen and women will no longer have to wait days for their cross-border payments to process,” said Van Miltenburg as an Okiru tribal representative laid a freshly killed boar at his feet in gratitude. “The days of cumbersome global payments are coming to an end.”

Okiru tribesmen and women displaying unbridled enthusiasm upon hearing they can now make and settle global payments instantly through Ripplenet.

Ripple has yet to announce the official exchange in the Hela province that will be performing the conversion from XRP to the Hela Tuk-Tuk, a currency whose most common form is whittled animal bone wrapped in mangrove tree rope.

With smiles on their faces and warmth in their hearts, dozens of Bitcoin whales met at an undisclosed location Wednesday in an effort to “be more considerate” of each other's timelines and agendas and to fully coordinate their market manipulation schedules.

“It's really beautiful,” said one whale, an anonymous 67-year-old multi-millionaire in an unassuming black t-shirt, “and something we've wanted to do for a long time. So lovely to peacefully assemble in our common goal to f**k over the average crypto investor.”

Thumbing through their datebooks and cordially discussing which weeks and days worked best in the coming year, the whales were able to make great progress in agreeing on the proper times for the volcanic pumps and subsequent depth-plunging dumps.

“It was a little tricky at first,” said another anonymous whale, a 58-year-old in a blue blazer sipping a gin and tonic, “But in the end, we were all on the same wavelength. We just had to remember that when it comes down to it, we're all on the same team with the same worthwhile objective: To completely cornhole and decimate the pathetic little losers who think they're gonna get rich investing in crypto.”

After asking the specific dates in 2020 the whales had settled upon for the pumps and dumps, XRP Productions reporters suddenly found themselves outside the building, a stone wall strangely in place where the door had previously been.

An icy wind at their backs and the smell of distant bonfires in the air, Ripple executives met with members of the press at their newly acquired mountain headquarters Wednesday and denied the bevy of recent rumors that they were moving forward with world domination plans.

“Absurd,” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse as a helmeted henchman handed him a jewel-encrusted halberd. “Ripple is focused on improving the world of payments—removing friction, making them faster, cheaper, and safer. We have no interest in conquering the world.”

The accusations come after many in the cryptocurrency space had uncovered suspicious acquisitions by Ripple over the course of 2019.

“I mean, 200 full-sized warships?” said Mike Dudas, founder of online crypto-news outlet 'The Block'. “Not to mention the thousands of horses and the piles of armor and weapons that we have proof they purchased. If you're really just a blockchain payments company, why do you need these things?”

Ripple CTO David Schwartz scoffed at the claims, clenching his broadsword and gritting his teeth while explaining that “the payments landscape has changed and today requires new competitive tools and strategies.”

When asked about leaked photos showing recent visits to Ripple by Melisandre of Asshai, known in some circles as 'The Red Woman', Garlinghouse abruptly concluded the interview.

Caravans of wagons containing the remainder of the relocated Ripple employees passed through the closing iron gates of the new headquarters as the press were pushed back with spears by dozens of armored guards.

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In an act that he described as “perhaps the most pathetic moment” of his life, Leonard Mingus of Sheboygan, Wisconsin eagerly checked the price of XRP on his smartphone 3.2 seconds after having just checked it.

“It was the same price from a few seconds before,” said Mingus, a forty-three-year-old insurance adjuster who had been a holder and avid supporter of the digital asset for the past two years. “I slowly looked up and had an epiphany... 'what the hell am I doing?' I said.”

First XRP price as checked by Mingus.

Second XRP price-check by Mingus, 3.2 seconds after the first.

Mingus had known that he was becoming more and more obsessed with XRP in the months following his initial investment, but until recently hadn't found it to be a problem.

“It's all I think about nowadays,” said Mingus as he lifted his sleeve to show a freshly-inked David Schwartz tattoo. “YouTube videos, live streams, chat sites, social media, animal sacrifices to the XRP price Gods... lately it's become a bit all-consuming.”

The recently divorced Mingus says his revelation is “most-likely a blessing” and that he intends on seeking professional help in the near future.

“I wanna finish a DAI video, then I've gotta catch Cobb's live-stream, but after that I'm checking into a clinic. I hope they have WiFi. I don't wanna miss BakkupBradley tonight. I think he's got some important IMF news. Hey, check it out! We're up 1% in the past hour! This could be it!”

Taking advantage of the high-rise's stunning scenic views and first-class accommodations, blockchain payments company Ripple has announced plans Monday to host its annual holiday party at storied Nakatomi Plaza.

“It's the perfect venue,” said Monica Long, Ripple's SVP of Marketing and Communications, “And should really end Ripple's year with a bang.”

The beautiful Nakatomi Plaza, future site of Ripple's 2019 holiday party.

2019 has seen astounding progress for the San Francisco-based firm, highlighted by their auspicious partnership with MoneyGram and recent announcement of their surpassing 300 bank and financial institution clients on Ripplenet.

Staying in line with the company's SWELL conference last month in Singapore, Ripple has announced they have also sent holiday party invitations to the members of the online 'XRP Community.' XRP is the digital asset that Ripple uses as on-demand liquidity in their cross-border settlement solutions.

“I am just blown away,” said YouTube XRP personality 'Digital Asset Investor' (DAI). “First the invite to their annual conference... now this? Amazing! I'm not sure how SWELL can be topped, but I guess we'll see what the evening has in store for us!”

In addition, Ripple has allowed each member of the XRP community to invite a single friend, showing an inclusiveness rarely seen from such a high-profile corporate entity.

“I'm inviting my old buddy John McClane,” said DAI. “He's a New York City cop and I've been trying to tell him about Ripple and XRP for a long time. This is the perfect chance! I told him, 'Come out to the coast! We'll get together, have a few laughs!' I guarantee you, he's gonna have a blast!”

After a disappointing year for the price of the digital asset XRP, Ripple is looking forward to wining and dining the XRP community, and has spared no expense in the effort.

“We were approached by a high-priced German catering team,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, “called 'Gruber Eats'. I don't know much about catering, but they tell us they're the best. Don't worry, XRP community, this will be a night you won't forget! There'll be a team of about a dozen Europeans bursting through the doors that night to serve us up!”

Ripple CTO David Schwartz confirmed Sunday that his highly anticipated second album, “Schwartz Sings Manilow,” will be released this month on the revolutionary new music platform 'Xsongs'.

According to Schwartz, the decision comes after experiencing dissatisfaction with the inadequate revenue shares from his first album, a full cover of The Beatles' classic 'Magical Mystery Tour.'

“I put my heart and soul into all of my musical performances,” said Schwartz, smoking a cigarette and wearing a purple velvet sweatsuit and large mirrored sunglasses inside his state-of-the-art San Francisco music studio. “Why should I receive less than 10% of the sales of my heart and soul?”

Inside view of David Schwartz's San Francisco studio where he recorded “Schwartz Sings Manilow,” soon to be released on revolutionary music platform Xsongs.

Xsongs, a pet project of Ripple's Director of Product Craig DeWitt, wishes to change this compensation conundrum by allowing artists the ability to sell their albums and songs directly to the public and to claim an astonishing 100% of the revenue.

“From the Muse Calliope,” said Schwartz, “to David's brain to the adoring masses. No middlemen shaking paper out of your pockets. That's the future of music. That's what David wants to be a part of.”

Accusing the event's judging panel of “extreme bias” after being trounced by Bobo the Chimp in their recent XRP debate, Bitcoin maximalist Tone Vays has taken to social media Thursday to vigorously demand a rematch.

“I didn't get a fair shake,” tweeted Vays, who lost the encounter by a vote of 6-1. “The judges were obviously in Bobo's corner.”

The 2-hour debate, sponsored by online cryptocurrency news outlet CoinDesk, covered several subjects around XRP, including the validity of its use-case, whether it is decentralized, and the superiority of its design and features.

Bobo, who communicates via sign language, was taught the basics about XRP by his trainer in the hour before the event and seemed to “grasp it quite quickly.”

“He's a chimpanzee of average intelligence,” said trainer Bill Martin, “so it wasn't too hard for him to learn enough about XRP in the 60 minutes before the debate began.”

Thus far Bobo has scoffed at the idea of a rematch, signing to his trainer, “No. Man not brain [smart]. Man not nice. No.”

The “Man not nice” message from Bobo may have been a result of one of the more heated portions of the first debate in which Tone Vays resulted to obscene physical acts when he became frustrated.

“Bobo was trying to explain XRP's growing usage as on-demand liquidity,” said Martin, “When Tone lost it. He started throwing his own feces around the room.”

Martin explained that he and Bobo were both sorely disappointed by the action.

“That was the moment I knew Tone was defeated, for sure,” said Martin. “I mean, I'm a monkey trainer and even I've never seen such animalistic behavior!”

Feeling compelled to air their grievances before they could begin enjoying the festivities, the Barker family of Grand Rapids, Michigan waited in pointed silence for an apology from cousin Michael concerning his strong XRP investment advice from last year's Thanksgiving dinner.

“We're waiting...,” said William from the head of the table as he and the others stared at cousin Michael. “And don't think you're getting any goddamned food until we hear it.”

Cousin Michael, who had enthusiastically proselytized the wonders of the digital asset and the price-explosion potential to his family the year before, mumbled about XRP's positive progress in real-world utility before finally apologizing profusely.

Nodding with righteous indignation, the Barker family began dishing up their food as Michael pulled at his collar.

“That was awkward,” whispered Michael, “But on the bright side, I'm still hodling. Maybe next year I can rub it in their faces.”

Interviewed on National Public Radio’s 'All Things Considered’ Tuesday, Berkshire Hathaway CEO Warren Buffett revealed a change in his well-publicized negative attitude toward cryptocurrencies.

“I was sitting on the can the other day,” said the billionaire stock market legend, “and all of a sudden it just hit me. Dadgummit, maybe I’m missing out on something.”

The 89-year-old Buffett had until this point conveyed a strong disapproval of cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, referring to the digital money as “delusional” and having “no unique value at all.”

Widely recognized for his patient and prudent investment strategies in the traditional market, Buffett shocked the investing world with the turnaround, saying that he “suddenly felt like doing something

brazen” before he turned 90.

“So, I pulled out the old laptop and started researching,” said Buffett, whose net worth recently surpassed $82 billion. “One of the first things I saw was the Shiba Inu picture next to one of the coins on the list.”

Buffett owns two Shiba Inus himself and explained that at that exact instant one of them poked its head around the wall.

“I laughed out loud. It was kismet,” said Buffett, “my wife Astrid came in the room to make sure everything was okay.”

Buffett, describing his sudden DogeCoin investing epiphany to XRP Productions staff reporters.

He assured her that it was more than okay and that he was starting a new investing chapter to his life.

“'Astrid', I said... 'F**k it, I’m all-in on DogeCoin!'”

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