Jed McCaleb to Keep 1,000 XRP “Just in Case it Moons”
Nearing the end of his historic sales of billions of XRP, Jed McCaleb, co-creator of the XRP Ledger and creator of the Stellar blockchain, has announced his plans to “hang on to 1,000 or so... you know, just in case it moons.”
“I mean, it makes sense,” said McCaleb, who left Ripple in 2013 and has since sold nearly 9 billion XRP tokens on the market. “Imagine if I get rid of every drop and it moons? Could I live with myself knowing I could have been rich??”
Jed McCaleb explaining to XRP-Productions reporters how rich he could be if he holds on to at least 1,000 XRP and it moons one day.
Members of the online XRP community had mixed reactions at the news, some happy McCaleb sees value in XRP while others worried about his possible continued whale status.
“He's holding 1,000 XRP?” said 4-year holder Leonard Mingus in an online forum. “Goddamnit! Next year when it's $589, we're STILL gonna have to deal with JED! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!”
SEC Demands Ripple Lawyers Wear 12 Masks in Next Hearing
Claiming it is “for the safety of all parties during this very serious pandemic,” the United States Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has demanded that lawyers for blockchain payments company Ripple wear “no less than 12 masks” for the upcoming hearing Tuesday.
“We care about protecting people,” said SEC Chairman Gary Gensler to XRP-Productions reporters. “Protecting people from dangerous investments AND protecting people from dangerous viruses... I'm afraid we must INSIST on the 12 masks...”
SEC Chairman Gary Gensler explaining that “the masks should come all the way out to here” on Ripple lawyers during the next hearing.
Many in the online XRP community have speculated that the SEC may have ulterior reasons for the masks, perhaps even to muffle the voices of the Ripple litigation team, stating the fact that the hearing is over the phone.
“That's preposterous,” said Gensler. “We are the SEC! How could ANYONE accuse us of not being altruistic!?”
SEC Finally Sues Ethereum to Shut Up XRP Community
Citing the fact that “they just won't shut up and constantly barrage us with factual but annoying criticisms,” the United States Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) finally sued the Ethereum Foundation for selling Ethereum as a security in an effort to subdue the online XRP community.
“It was so goddamned annoying,” said SEC Chairman Gary Gensler of the overwhelming online assault from fervent XRP supporters. “Every time I tweet, every time the SEC tweets—even about stuff that's off the subject—they just bury us in insults about going after Ripple but not Ethereum. Enough already! We're suing Ethereum now, okay?! Back off!”
Tweet from a beloved XRP community member, one of thousands of daily tweets bashing the SEC for unjustly ignoring Ethereum while attacking Ripple and XRP for alleged securities violations.
The action has angered and confused many in the online Ethereum community, including Ethereum co-founders Vitalik Buterin and Joseph Lubin.
“SEC is SUING us?” said Lubin, tearing up upon hearing the news. “B-b-but... our ICO was in 2014... I thought we were in the clear! I thought we got away with it! Ripple are the bad guys, not us!! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
President Biden Briefed on SEC/Ripple XRP Case
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ushered into a special advisory conference Monday morning, President Joseph Biden met with his national security team and senior officials to hear updates on the ongoing trial between the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and blockchain payments company Ripple concerning the 'security' status of the digital asset XRP.
“Why the hell am I just finding out about this now?” said an angry Biden to several visibly nervous handlers in the room. “And don't you have any better sources than this nerd lawyer on YouTube?”
President Biden beginning to deep-dive into XRP after being briefed about the SEC vs. Ripple case Monday morning.
The President continued down the 'XRP rabbit-hole' on YouTube after the brief, with many of his aids recommending content.
“Wait till you get to Naga Beau,” said Chief of Staff Ron Klain. “His 'bank money' videos are gonna blow your mind...”
'Settlement Specialists' Mingus & Mingus Hired by SEC in Ripple Case
In a shocking move that has the online XRP community salivating at its implications, the U.S. Securities and Exchange commission announced the addition of Mingus & Mingus to their high-profile Ripple case Friday, a law firm well-known for its specialty in case settlements.
“Yes, almost 98 percent of our work is on settlements,” said a Mingus & Mingus spokesperson to XRP-Productions reporters, “and yes, the majority of our settlement caseload is for the SEC. But we cannot comment on what they have hired us to do concerning this Ripple case.”
Attorney Leonard Mingus of law firm Mingus & Mingus, whose LinkedIn page states, “I LOVE settling SEC cases!” The recent addition of his firm's services on the Ripple/XRP security case has caused rampant online speculation.
The SEC's addition of the firm, made up of brothers Leonard and Lawrence Mingus of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, has already garnered high-profile cryptocurrency world attention.
“What did I tell you?!” said popular YouTuber 'BitBoy Crypto,' hyperventilating in a video released Friday afternoon, “SETTLED BY SEPTEMBER! SETTLED BY SEPTEMBER!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
SEC Demands TikTok Videos From All Ripple Employees
Relentless in their effort to turn over every stone in order to aid their failing case, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission filed a court order Tuesday to force employees of blockchain payments company Ripple to turn over all TikTok videos over the last five years.
“TikTok is where people really let loose,” said SEC Chairman Gary Gensler. “Singing, twerking, giving political opinions... maybe we'll see some Ripple people admitting they know they're selling XRP as securities, hmmm?
Current Ripple CTO David Schwartz and former Ripple employee Marcus Treacher in a TikTok 'dance-off' from 2020.
Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse giving his weekly oboe recital, one of thousands of TikTok videos the SEC has demanded the court force the company's employees turn over.
The filing has already been challenged by Ripple's defense team who claim the demand is invasive and irrelevant.
“We didn't fight it when they wanted to see Ripple's Netflix viewing history,” said attorney Leonard Mingus. “But TikTok videos? Gimme a f*cking break, SEC...”
SENATE WORKS OVERTIME IN EFFORT TO F*CK UP CRYPTO
Refusing to relinquish their sworn duty to always royally fuck shit up, the United States Senate diligently worked extra hours through the weekend in a bipartisan effort to fuck up the country's chances at competing in the world's burgeoning cryptocurrency industry.
“We still have a lot more work to do,” said Senator Mark Warner (D-Virginia), “but we are close. Oh-so-close to fucking it up for everyone.”
Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) cracking open his morning can of Schlitz and readying to carry on the battle to fuck over a promising U.S. tech industry Sunday.
The fuck-up effort, which relies mainly on the non-passing or ignoring of the Wyden-Loomis-Toomey amendment within the current infrastructure bill, is expected to be successful sometime this week.
“Gawd I hope so,” said Federal Reserve Chairperson Janet Yellen, who for days has been lobbying Senators to encourage the fuck-up. “Otherwise, me and my friends could all be fucked...”
SEC RECONSIDERS, SAYS XRP IS NOW SECURITY OF STELLAR FOUNDATION
Apologizing to blockchain payments company Ripple to begin their press conference Saturday, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) now claims the cryptocurrency XRP “looks more like a security of the Stellar Foundation,” because of founder Jed McCaleb's massive sales of the asset.
“Jeez, I'm not sure how we missed that one,” said SEC Chairman Gary Gensler to XRP-Productions reporters. “Turns out this Jed guy with Stellar was selling billions of XRP this whole time... BILLIONS! Why the hell are we still going after Ripple?”
Gary Gensler explaining the “huge f*cking score” the SEC just made by switching their focus from Ripple to Jed McCaleb and the Stellar Foundation in their XRP security case.
The news caused confusion in the online XRP and Stellar communities, with many seeking advice from lawyers to see if such a move was even possible.
“It's the SEC,” said Rhode Island attorney John Deaton. “Anything's possible.”
Rocking the wildly speculative cryptocurrency world Monday, a stunning tweet by crypto-news outlet XRP the Standard Productions announced with certainty that the digital asset XRP would be relisted on popular exchange Coinbase by July 28th.
“We saw people saying it in other tweets and then decided to tweet it ourselves,” said lead investigative reporter Herb Gimbels. “And for XRP the Standard Productions to tweet that XRP was gonna be listed on Coinbase is pretty big news, so we had to cover it in an article.”
XRP the Standard Productions tweet saying cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase would relist the digital asset XRP by the end of the month. The 34 'likes' in the first couple of minutes of the tweet prove it is a newsworthy development and must be covered in an XRP the Standard Productions crypto news article.
The news coverage of a tweet that was tweeted by the organization covering said news came under immediate scrutiny on social media but was immediately and harshly defended by the organization.
“It's all about the clicks,” said Gimbels. “Piss off.”
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