Earnestly explaining their deep regrets Saturday to XRP_Productions reporters, cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase announced they would love to take part in the upcoming Spark token airdrop but are “unfortunately overwhelmed with our prior obligations to provide continual shutdowns to our customers.”
“It's a shame, really,” said Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong. “Jeez-Louise, we would looooove to give XRP holders the access to these tokens that are rightfully theirs, but... golly-gee-whiz we've just got all these shutdowns coming up...”
One of countless Coinbase website errors that are dominating the cryptocurrency exchange's priority schedule, making it impossible for them to realize their deep desire to support the upcoming Spark token air drop for XRP holders.
The airdrop, initiated by Flare Networks and allowing all XRP holders the right to claim a 1:1 XRP-to-Spark-token gift, will be achieved when a “snapshot” of the ledger is taken on December 12th. Only XRP holders that keep their assets on participating exchanges (i.e. Uphold.com) will be able to receive their free tokens.
“December 12th?” said Armstrong, scratching his head. “Darn! Yeah, um... we've got an important outage on that day. Shoot, golly-gee, we really would have liked to be a part of this. Aww shucks, that really is too bad!”
WASHINGTON D.C.— The United States Securities and Exchange Commission announced Friday its intent to create a standalone office dedicated to the “highly important endeavor of ignoring the digital asset XRP.”
“We were finding that a great deal of our time and effort was being spent not providing clarity around XRP,” said the upstart office's director, Valerie Szczepanik. “So, really, a new branch with that specific function was a must.”
Excerpt from a previousXRP_Productionsarticle documenting the hard work put in by SEC Chairman Jay Clayton to avoid giving clarity on the digital asset XRP. The commission decided to open a new office dedicated solely to that effort Friday.
Szczepanik told XRP_Productions reporters they would focus on existing XRP-ignoring activities as well as incorporating new tactics.
“Not answering direct questions, not sending no-action letters, not mentioning the asset by name,” said Szczepanik. “Sure, we'll keep doing that. But we'll also be trying to concentrate so much more on doing so much less...”
Displayed boldly at the top of one of their highly-popular cryptocurrency news articles Thursday, XRP the Standard Productions issued the headline “XRP Guaranteed to Surpass All-Time High in December.”
“This is really an equally exciting and infuriating headline and article,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus. “I mean, I'm all for XRP passing its all-time high, but you read the article and it only talks about the headline and then has a quote from me about how I only see a headline and a quote from me. No worthwhile substance there...”
Image of the XRP the Standard Productions headline (circled in red) saying XRP is guaranteed to surpass its all-time high in December despite not having any substance in the article except talking about the headline and showing a picture of said headline with a caption talking about how it only shows pictures and has no substance.
The headline caused significant anger, particularly from the hopefuls within the XRP community who read the article all the way to the bottom before realizing it was essentially a load of bullshit.
“Absurd,” said Mingus. “I wasted three minutes of my life reading this crap. I even read it all the way to the end to see if there was anything important in it, but no... it just ended with a stupid quote from me about how I read all the way to the end but only found a quote from me...”
*Coil subscribers can see XRP the Standard Productions' 2021 XRP PRICE PREDICTION below**...*
Hoping to overcome the early wariness of their highly ambitious project, Facebook has rebranded their global cryptocurrency Libra as “Diablo” Wednesday.
“It's a welcome move,” said House Financial Service Committee’s Chairwoman Maxine Waters (D-CA) to XRP_Productions reporters. “We were very suspicious about 'Libra', but for some reason 'Diablo' sounds like something that congress is ready to support...”
Mark Zuckerberg excitedly announcing the rebranding of Facebook's Libra as “Diablo” to congress Wednesday morning.
An official statement from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the social media goliath is “overjoyed to soon give rise to the new age of Diablo.”
“All hail,” said Zuckerberg. “Blessings be upon the great horned cryptocurrency to rule them all...”
*Coil subscribers can see more suspicious cryptocurrency activity from Mark Zuckerberg as covered by XRP the Standard Productions below**...*
Attempting to get all of their affairs in order before an expected imminent ascension to a higher level of existence, the online community of holders of the digital asset XRP prepared themselves Wednesday for a likely “Rapture Event” on December 3rd.
“Regulations? Global adoption? Jesus? We aren't exactly sure what the third will bring,” said 3-year XRP faithful Leonard Mingus of Bridgeport, Connecticut. “But there is a palpable buzz in the air that it will be a powerful spiritual occurrence which will connect us to the heavens through our magical XRP conduit. Something like that, for sure...”
August 8 tweet by XRP the Standard Productions (top) and November 21 tweet by Michael Arrington (below) that contributed to the nebulous “Rapture Event” anticipated by the online XRP community.
Several holders have told XRP_Productions reporters that they are almost finished wrapping up all of their earthly responsibilities and tying up all loose ends as they expect to no longer be living in this physical realm.
“Paid my bills, made sure the stove was turned off,” said Mingus. “Gave an extra bowl of food to mittens... you know, that sort of thing. 'Cuz December third at around 10:00, ol' Mingus isn't gonna be on earth any more...”
*Coil subscribers can see an image of the Mingus family on December 3rd below**...*
Confirming that he’s finally comfortable with the possibility of its future utility and value, successful YouTube personality The Digital Asset Investor (DAI) purchased his first stake in the digital asset XRP Monday.
“You can never be too careful with these decisions,” said DAI to XRP_Productions reporters after recording his 3,412th XRP video and approaching 100,000 subscribers on YouTube. “Even now, I’m nervous that I’m jumping the gun a bit.”
The Digital Asset Investor (right) meeting with Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse at a conference in Singapore in 2019, part of his extensive 4-year investigation of the digital asset XRP. The YouTube star finally claimed a small stake Monday.
The cautious Georgian is hopeful that his investment will bear fruit at some point within the next decade, though he reports that he’s not risking anything outside of his comfort level.
“I started with sixty bucks,” said DAI. “I could be wrong, but by 2030 this little bag might be worth a cool C-note.”
Coil subscribers can see a private conversation between David Schwartz and The Digital Asset Investor from Singapore below...
In what was described as a traumatizing experience from which he will most likely never recover, XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Tampa, Florida was devastated Wednesday when he did not see double-digit gains on the 24-hour chart for his beloved digital asset.
“It's just... just sitting there... even!” said Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters as he fought back tears. “No 30%... no 20%... not even 10%! Whyyyyyy?!”
Sally Henrikson, another XRP holder who had recently become acquainted with double-digit gains, falling into a deep depression Wednesday when the 24-hour value was flat.
The 36-year old Mingus said the distress was “almost unbearable” and has caused him to seriously consider whether his investment should be abandoned.
“I'm sorry, XRP,” said Mingus. “But no double-digit gains? I will not allow you to treat me like this...”
*Coil subscribers can see a special message from this article's author, Herb Gimbels, below**...*
Checking his coin market app early Monday morning, 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Marietta, Georgia became utterly confused by yet another “strange and unsettling number” next to the decimal point.
“This has been an odd week,” said Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters. “I'm only used to 'ones', 'twos' and 'threes'. A few days ago I saw something that someone said was a 'four'... now THIS?! I think maybe someone's made a mistake.”
XRP holder Leonard Mingus last Wednesday, confused by a strange number next to the decimal point. Today, Mingus has had to contend with an additional head-scratcher.
Despite Mingus's continued concern, he informed reporters that he's “okay, for now” and will be “taking it one step at a time.”
“I'm an XRP holder,” said Mingus, “so I'm only used to stable numbers and a healthy diet of FUD. Anything else just doesn't seem right...”
Completing the trifecta of power-hires after recently acquiring billionaire Bill Gates and mogul Elon Musk, blockchain payments company Ripple announced the signing of tennis legend Roger Federer as their first “Global XRP Ambassador” Thursday.
“Innovation. Speed. Class. Unparalleled performance,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “That is Ripple. That is XRP. That is Roger Federer. In our mind, there is no better emissary for our mission to revolutionize global payments.”
Photoshopped promotional image of Ripple's new “Forehand to the FUD” campaign that the company will implement using their new Global XRP Ambassador Roger Federer.
Many experts are already saying the move puts Ripple in the driver's seat in the battle for global cross-border payments dominance, with main competitor SWIFT unable to secure any advocates with such heft.
“For sure, it is now 'advantage Ripple',” said financial analyst Dr. Leonard Mingus. “Roger Federer and Brad Garlinghouse will be lifting the golden global payments trophy in no time.”
*Coil subscribers can see Dr. Leonard Mingus's SHOCKING XRP PRICE PREDICTION**...*
Checking his coin market app early Saturday morning, 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Marietta, Georgia became utterly confused by a “strange and unsettling number” next to the decimal point.
“I'm not sure what to make of it,” said Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters. “I've seen a 'one' there before, and I've seen a 'two' and every once in a while a 'three'... but I honestly don't know what number this is... I think maybe someone's made a mistake.”
Another XRP holder becoming nervous in July as XRP transitioned up to a '2' next to the decimal point—a scary number he wasn't quite used to.
Despite Mingus's concern, he informed reporters that he's “okay, for now” and will be “taking it one step at a time.”
“I'm an XRP holder,” said Mingus, “so I'm only used to stable numbers and a healthy diet of FUD. Anything else just doesn't seem right...”
“XRP Guaranteed to Surpass All-Time High in December” Says XRP the Standard Productions Headline
