Wasting no time taking action despite disputes and challenges from the current administration, President-Elect Joe Biden named his selections for his COVID task force Friday.
“I don't have time to f*ck around,” said Biden to XRP_Productions reporters. “And I think I've selected a team that will make the biggest global impact on this virus.”
President-Elect Joe Biden discussing his “no-bullsh*t” approach to selecting his COVID task force Thursday.
The team is strangely comprised entirely of employees of blockchain payments company Ripple, which is attempting to improve the global financial infrastructure and promote the usage of the digital asset XRP in cross-border transactions.
“Yes, well why do you think I chose them, genius?” said Biden to a reporter questioning the selections. “Gotta shut down cash. New-World-Order-kinda-stuff. That's how we stop this thing. Ripple people are the best for that. XRP, baby!”
*Coil subscribers can see Joe Biden saying why he's ALL-IN on XRP below**...*
Appearing on the One America News Network Wednesday, President Donald Trump's lawyer Rudy Giuliani made the bold statement that a glitch in Dominion software has been suppressing the price of the digital asset XRP for the last three years.
“The evidence is clear,” said Giuliani of the software which is also under scrutiny for causing glitches in the voting results in the November 3rd elections. “XRP has inexplicably been a lackluster piece of sh*t for years. We finally know why.”
The former New York mayor told XRP_Productions reporters that he and the President will be taking legal actions against all exchanges utilizing the Dominion software, perhaps even superseding the lawsuits pertaining to the alleged election fraud.
“We gotta prioritize this sh*t,” said Giuliani, “and we all know lawsuits about this low XRP price are far more important than lawsuits about the presidential election...”
*Coil subscribers can see Giuliani's private briefing of the president on the XRP price suppression below**...*
In perhaps the most scandalous story ever to be broken by the crypto news publication, XRP_Productions investigative reporters unearthed photos Tuesday from 2019 and earlier clearly showing employees of blockchain payments company Ripple failing to obey any of the straightforward and highly-important COVID-19 rules.
“Look here... no social distancing... no masks,” said lead reporter Herb Gimbels, pointing to dozens of incriminating photographs. “Wow. And they're all laughing and having a grand ol' time. Blatant disregard for human life. Caught the bastards red-handed.”
2017 picture of Ripple's Brad Garlinghouse and Chris Larsen shown cavorting within inches of each other, neither wearing a mask of any kind.
Spokespeople for the firm immediately responded, saying “COVID was not an issue at the time,” and denying any wrongdoing.
“People use the same excuse about old racist or sexist pictures or social-media posts,” said Gimbels. “That excuse doesn't fly. These people make me sick!”
*Coil subscribers can see early photos of investigative reporter Herb Gimbels that have gotten him in hot water as well below**...*
With six key swing states still hanging in the balance and a presently-nebulous outcome to the race Wednesday morning, President Donald Trump has quickly declared the digital asset XRP to be officially not a security “just in case I lose.”
“I'm going to win, there's no doubt about it,” said Trump to XRP_Productions reporters, “but just in case, there's a few things I wanna do real quick. Calling XRP not a security is one of those things...”
Donald Trump showing support for XRP in June of this year. The President has made it a top priority to declare XRP not a security Wednesday morning in case he loses the tightly-contested election.
Despite causing unbridled joy for thousands of global holders of the digital asset, many others are seeing the action as a sign they should give up hope.
“Lemme see here,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, checking his coin market app. “We now have regulatory certainty and XRP is... 23 cents. Okay, I'm out.”
Realizing that he'd forsaken the highly important demographic in the weeks leading up to the election, President Donald Trump held a last-minute campaign rally for holders of the digital asset XRP Monday evening.
“The last few years have been great for America, but not so great for XRP holders,” said Trump to thousands of attendees who have seen the price of their beloved coin languish since 2018 while other cryptos such as Bitcoin have returned to significant percentages of their all-time highs. “But I promise you now... In my second term, it will be my mission to make XRP great again!”
President Donald Trump addressing a raucous crowd of XRP holders while sporting a golden Ripple pin Monday.
Despite their nearly three years of disappointment, the crowd showed unbridled enthusiasm and hope during the rally, with many believing that new record prices are right around the corner.
“Zero doubt!” said XRP holder Leonard Mingus from Las Vegas, Nevada. “Trump knows Bitcoin is China-Coin... and he said when he's reelected he's gonna use an executive order and declare that XRP is NOT a security! XRP to the MOON!!!”
*Coil subscribers can see a glimpse of President Trump keeping his campaign promises about XRP below**...*
Preparing for their inevitable corporate headquarter relocation due to a lack of regulatory clarity around the digital asset XRP in the United States, blockchain payments company Ripple has boxed up their belongings, including CTO David Schwartz, Tuesday.
“We'd love to stay... and in fact we've been begging for regulatory certainty around XRP for years,” said Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of the San-Francisco based company that has painfully seen Chinese-centric Bitcoin and Ethereum be granted “non-security” status from the SEC since 2018. “But we realize now that it's time to seek more forward-thinking lands. C'mon, David, hop in the box...”
Movers readying Ripple's escrowed XRP for a trip overseas. The company packed up all property Tuesday, including CTO David Schwartz, in preparation for an inevitable corporate headquarter relocation.
The Silicon Valley firm did not tell XRP_Productions reporters when they would pull the trigger on the move, or whether they would reconsider if U.S. officials convince them that proper regulations are soon-to-come.
“I can't really tell you if it'll happen next week or next month,” said Garlinghouse as he stenciled “EXTREMELY FRAGILE” on the CTO's box. “But we'll have all our stuff ready, mark my words... David! Slide over! I'm gonna poke some air holes in this thing!“
Responding quickly to critics who were upset that their new service did not allow people to actually hold and transfer the digital currencies they purchase, PayPal announced free postcards sent to customers from their cryptocurrencies Monday.
“It will give people a nice, warm feeling,” said PayPal CEO Daniel Schulman to XRP_Productions reporters. “Sure, they aren't actually holding the crypto they buy... and they can't send it anywhere... but these postcards will show that we really wish they could.”
The postcards include heartwarming “Wish You Were Holding Me” and “Having a Great Time Here With Your Crypto” messages and soon will reportedly include a tongue-in-cheek “Aren't You At Least Glad We Aren't Offering Ripple Token?” version.
Holding up the large leather-bound book to show XRP_Productions reporters Thursday, the Federal Reserve's Jerome Powell announced he was “diligently searching for synonyms for the word SCAM” in preparation for his scheduled speech about digital assets next Monday.
“I found some real humdingers so far,” said Powell, thumbing through the pages of the Merriam Webster collegiate edition. “Fraud. Swindle. Flimflam. Boondoggle. There's plenty of words I can use to convey my feelings about cryptocurrency!”
“Graft,” one of the creative words the Federal Reserve's Jerome Powell plans on debuting during his panel speech about cryptocurrencies in the coming week.
The Chairman would not answer specific questions posed to him about the digital asset XRP, a currency being used as a cross-border settlement tool by blockchain payments company Ripple.
“Sorry, can't comment about XRP,” said Powell. “But that reminds me... I need to look up synonyms for 'DOMINANT BRIDGE CURRENCY TO BE USED AFTER THE GLOBAL RESET'.”
Taking advantage of a global audience of thousands of online viewers Wednesday, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse horrified attendees of the company's annual SWELL conference when he forced them to listen to his impromptu oboe recital.
“Thanks for joining us in our exciting journey into the internet of value,” said Garlinghouse at the opening of the conference, suddenly raising an eyebrow and reaching off camera for his instrument. “But first, I'd like to share a little journey of my own that I've been on during these recent lockdown months...”
The Silicon Valley superstar proceeded to squawk out a nervous rendition of Claude Debussy's Clair de Lune followed by a horrid spewing of Acker Bilk's classic, Stranger On the Shore.
“Thank you, thank you very much,” said Garlinghouse after the 8-and-a-half minutes of musical hell. “While I empty out my spit-trap, please enjoy our first segment...”
**[...CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.
Continuing to shock the world of fintech after their recent foray into lending, blockchain payments company Ripple announced XRP-funded payday loans Tuesday through their exciting new retail stores, RippleTree.
“People thought Ripple was all about banks and SME's,” said RippleNet GM Asheesh Birla to XRP_Productions reporters. “That's horseshit. Need a few hundred XRP until next payday? RippleTree's got you covered!”
GM Asheesh Birla filming a commercial for the new XRP-centric payday loan stores, RippleTree.
The Silicon Valley company hopes to increase XRP awareness and usage with the retail stores and thus far has balked at the suggestion that the digital asset may be too volatile to be used for short-term payday loans.
“First of all, you never know when it might 'moon', am I right?” said Birla. “Second, you and I both know XRP will almost certainly be stable at 25 cents next week, the week after, the week after that, the week after that...”
*Coil subscribers can see a direct message from Asheesh Birla to XRP the Standard Productions below**...*
President-Elect Biden Names COVID Task Force
