There was a documentary I watched last night that I was deeply affected by. It was about Rehtaeh Parsons. She was gang-raped by 4 boys & later committed suicide because of the trauma she endured after the incident. The cruel bullying, isolation, shaming & harassment from the very own community that should have supported her was outrageous. Instead of rallying around to support her they made her feel like a pariah. It hit home deeply because it brought up alot of memories. What I thought before I watched it was I hope I don't have a panic attack because they seem to happen out of the blue & I wasn't sure if it would trigger me. Amazingly, I felt calmer after.
Maybe because the feeling of being all alone somehow wasn't there as strongly as it was the hour before I turned it on. There are amazing stories that can help you reconnect with yourself. The ones you choose that have even the slightest sliver of truth to them about your own life might be the ones that can help you feel safer. What prompted me to watch it was overhearing a woman in the locker room saying “Noone wants to be around that skinny-ass bitch because she thinks she’s perfect.”
(BTW, I don't).
If you are struggling with being misunderstood or are trying to recover after any kind of trauma, whatever that might be, try watching a documentary that you can relate to somehow. It doesn't have to be an exact replication of what you've been through. If you feel alone & victimized or feel like you can’t relate to anyone, trust me, there are many people who CAN relate. The initial feeling of avoiding the movie because you’re afraid it might bring up too much emotion on your end will go away. Once you realize there are other human beings out there in the world who have gone through something similar, you might actually feel connected & start to feel whole again. 💔
We all have bad memories. Everyone does. If they say they don't in this toxic positivity culture, they are not being truthful. Well, I'm trying to remember more good memories because I think that a mind can be reconditioned to become positive after trauma. Trauma has a way of making you feel hyper-sensitive to the things around you. Everywhere you go, you hear sights & sounds. Some stand out more than others. I'm not sure why, but they do.
Well, I politely asked a police officer last week to escort me out of a casino so I wouldn't get mugged without him protecting me. That is their job. That is something I feel they should take pride in.
He said yes & made an honest joke basically saying “You & me both.”
LOL. He's right.
If someone attacked me, they would most likely attack him too, wouldn’t they?
Anyways, I thought he was very kind. I mentioned that I have had some negative experiences with some cops before & he said that it goes both ways because he's had bad experiences with civilians too. He said “It's always the bad ones that make it difficult for the good ones.”
So true.
That's why I stopped watching the news & stopped following politics. The news wants to make enemies with each other. To divide & conquer. To hate & project hatred. To make us take sides. To not see the world as a loving place. To view the world as hostile. To create mindless chatter & gossip & slander about people so we don't feel connected with each other. To create the illusion of good vs. bad. To turn us against the person sitting next to us wherever we may be at any given moment.
Well, it's exhausting to keep up with.
Anyways, he had a sincere smile. The kind you feel like he's not laughing out loud, but just a simple curve of his lips. I liked him. I thanked him for walking me out & told him I will remember this good memory & I hope he does too. I apologized for all the trouble that police officers had to endure the last few years because I personally think they have gone through hell & back considering all the headlines I'm trying to stay away from.
So I want to choose to remember this kind cop because I know there are more of him out there. It made me want to try & recondition my mind & choose to remember uplifting memories because he made me feel safe for the short while I walked with him. A woman needs that. Not to feel intimidated but safe. That is what was so special about him. He was my hero for just a wee bit & maybe that's what I needed at that point in time.
Don't believe the lies people tell you who think you're too old to do anything. Those are THEIR limits in THEIR minds being projected onto YOU. Separate those thoughts from yours. Now please Google KFC founder Colonel Sanders. He was 62 when he started his successful business.
BAM!!! ⚡
You are not a victim anymore of other people's thoughts.
I had very severe panic attacks the past couple of days. It was extremely debilitating for me. It happened when I went to swim & had a man pull up 2 parking spaces from me & he was blasting an audio book out loud. It sounded like it was about a fighter pilot, celebrating kills, the euphoria of military operations & special forces completing a mission to take out an enemy. It went on for at least 4 minutes & it sounded like some government mission was being narrated from a book.
The panic it induced in me was so traumatizing that I had to call my husband & talk to him on the phone. The crying would not stop & it just kept getting worse. Reliving the trauma of being stalked & also the trauma of being attacked. All the adrenaline I felt inside of me after the bombardment on my psyche of listening to the narrator talk about killing & how it made me feel threatened again.
I cried in the locker room & a very kind woman asked if I was OK. She reached out & asked if I feel safe. I told her I never really do. Because that is the truth. It always feels like I am walking out into a hostile world instead of a peaceful one. That moment came to mind when I was driving to get on the freeway & a young man on a bike specifically gestured to me & pointed to his head like a pistol shooting. Almost to let me know that is what is going to happen to me. Like a threat.
Are those things normal for a 57-year old & a 115-lb. woman? Is that a normal thing to happen to a woman my age? Is that normal for anyone to have to go through? Man or woman? Anyone? I’m tired of it. It’s exhausting.
Once you are stalked, you never feel safe. I am tired of crying & reliving my trauma.
I am doing a 9999hz angel meditation right now. I hope it helps. It is a special love frequency.
Everyone processes trauma differently & I have been able to process mine through healing frequency music. YouTube has some amazing videos on just about anything & the options are endless for anyone looking for some deeper way to release holding onto negative energy. I Google “vibrational healing,” “healing frequencies” or “vibrational frequencies”. Anything along those lines. It offers a variety of ways to pick & choose what is best for you if you are going through a physical injury, psychological trauma or just holding onto anger & resentment from the past. Especially if you've been a victim of heavy psychic spiritual attacks, shame, hatred, rape, assault or any violation of your body.
After about a half hour of listening, I have a sense of inner peace & feel very light, as if my body is resonating with the music that has infiltrated my cells. This is very soulful & might bring up some crying & releasing of tears. Don't be afraid to bring those fluids up & out of your eyes because this is the body's way of releasing toxins & clearing out gunk. I’ve come to embrace my tears & not be ashamed of them because it means I am capable of releasing.
The people who shame you for feeling I've realized are the ones who need the most healing because they suppress all the negativity from their past. Maybe they were shamed for speaking up about something painful in life so the pattern continues. It is just as necessary to release tears as much as it is necessary for us to laugh & feel joy. You cannot experience one without the other.
If anyone thinks that the music is too slow or depressing & it doesn't work for them, there is always the great Gloria Gaynor & “I Will Survive!”
I’m looking forward to seeing my friend for the summer. His presence in my life always brings me spontaneous joy & it's infectious. When I am around him sometimes I feel like a giddy kid because he has a childlike spirit. He gets my sarcasm. It feels like there is a healing process going on between us at this point in our lives because we've both been through some trauma recently. Maybe I need some playful energy in my life because that is what I gravitate towards the most I realized.
It's weird because we are supposed to be young & carefree & innocent when we are younger & somber & serious & responsible as we get older??? But what a world it would be if we retained that childlike spirit forever?
I saw fireworks the other day & wasn't ashamed to take my little stuffed monkey son out of my purse & toss him around. It was freeing! Not worrying if anyone thought I was silly.
I also stopped watching the news for awhile & really don't miss it at all. It feels like I live in a bubble & am missing out on all the tragic events happening around me & maybe my soul needed that. Not hearing about the chaos & madness that people put each other through because frankly, I have been through too much of it myself.
Right now my soul needs to feel like it's in a bubble. Right now my soul wants a childlike friendship. Right now I don't feel like being a grown-up!!!
Maybe part of healing ourselves is to just be childlike & silly… 🐵🐒
I'm writing for myself today. Not for anyone else. There are alot of people I want to uplift & inspire but being true to myself is important to me. I heal sometimes through sarcasm. Maybe by purging my memory others will feel less wounded & less alone so I’ll take my chances by just jotting down my feelings & crossing my fingers.
Hey little girl, you yelled out loud to me to “Go die old bitch!” – while I was taking a shower…
Then you laughed with your little friend & I thought to myself how a little kid so young could be so cruel to just scream out loud in public at me in a public restroom. You don't even know me. You never met me or talked to me or said “Hi” or anything remotely close to making any contact with me whatsoever. I was a total stranger.
You have no right to make me feel like I’m not worth living. Remember, I breathe the same air you do?
That was a couple years ago.
I’m still alive, by the way. I’m not quite sure for how long but it doesn't matter. You are a couple years older right now. I have no idea if you ever shouted that out to anyone else before. But I remember being your age once & if my parents caught me shouting that out to a person 50 years older, they would probably wash my mouth out with soap. That’s what they did back in the day. They did things like that.
I've said mean things before & probably have hurt someone's feelings because of it. So I can forgive you if I choose. Or just pretend it didn’t happen. But it did. So I’m not going to pretend.
I went to your wedding yesterday & I saw alot of love. There were so many people that attended & the vibrations were high. Please forgive me for not actually having a one-on -one conversation with you both but there was so much going on & it was important for me to allow you to go crazy & celebrate the happiest day of your life. Sometimes joy is so infectious when you see it & feel it so I figured I'd let you go infect others with it so it spreads throughout the whole party center. I guess it did because I saw tons of smiles.
It's interesting because there are not many moments you can capture pure love in its raw form but a wedding reception might just possibly be the lightning rod to do it. We are all searching for that & I hope you truly found it in each other. When it's pure, it's the most divine feeling you can feel.
There will never be a day like the one you had last night so I hope you treasure it & hold it in your memories together. Reality has a way of dulling that initial day you became one with each other. It will slowly set in & things will become kind of boring day-to-day. But don't let that fool you into thinking there's no more love there anymore.
There really is...
You will just have to look a little deeper in the small gestures or the nuances of each other's faces from time to time.
Don't let it slip away. Don't ever take it for granted.