Anita-Corbo

I’m laying here quietly listening to Peder B. Helland on YouTube. If anyone feels alone & is grappling with living in this cruel world or has been a victim of gangstalking & feels that noone hears them or that people have shut them out in life, I would recommend this artist. Hopefully I'm not violating any copyright laws by sharing this video. I will take it down if I need to. Here is the link:

It is sweetly angelic & delicately soft, kind of like how our souls are. The feeling I had when I was intubated & had a near-death experience last year.

It makes me think of all the times I walked out the door & was met to a hostile world; and that there are other highly sensitive people like me who also feel lost & sometimes afraid.

My wish is for you to listen & not feel alone anymore…

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I wish for my birthday tomorrow that I actually wake up feeling like I have some value in this world. That I've contributed some joy to someone out there. That I've given some hope to one person who values me. Because for so many years, I've never ever felt like I ever really did anything with my life. 🙏

Except write from my heart because that is the only thing I really know how to do… 💔

Maybe for my birthday I will suddenly feel different & someone will see value INSIDE of me & not for what I look like on the outside. Even if it’s just for one day. I’m crossing my fingers.

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I figured if I write I might as well elevate certain people in my life that I've met. People that I actually feel deserve some space in my thoughts or a momentary spotlight. There is a YouTube channel that I subscribe to that brings me a great form of entertainment while I learn certain slot games in casinos. I stayed home last night watching a live stream of a channel called The Big Payback. If you enjoy gambling, slots, casinos, fun, some laughs & a little drama, please subscribe to this man!

Here is the YouTube link -

https://youtube.com/@Thebigpayback

His name is Tim…

OMG, I almost had a heart attack watching him almost win $41,000.00… 😯

LIVE on YouTube…

A near miss! Just one more symbol! My heart sank & I saw his reaction & it was honestly gut-wrenching. One more symbol, that's all. That’s how close he was. That's all. My heart was pounding so fast! If anyone ever sat at a slot machine & pressed those buttons & saw the symbols pass by where you get the excitement of winning, can you imagine the excitement of ALMOST winning? Not just 100 bucks or two, but $41,000!!!

It’s a moment where if you capture it, you pretty much need a couple minutes to recoup that numbness or adrenaline that goes throughout your body at the same time. It's a feeling you can't describe unless you actually sit in the chair & experience it. Watching his face was breathtaking. It was such a raw & emotional moment that was hard to recover from. Big pause…

I felt for him… 😓

But he DID recover!

He NEVER…GAVE…UP!!!

EVER!!!

The beauty of his poise under pressure. Ahhh, what a great comeback he can make. Almost like watching a magician do magic tricks when you were in an audience as a kid… mesmerized. Staring. Waiting to see what's next. Or going to a carnival & winning that big stuffed toy to take home as a prize. Or staring at a rainbow you’ve caught in the sky & snapping that picture to keep it etched in your mind because yes, there might be a REAL pot of gold at the end of it? And if there wasn't, still…

The beauty & awe of capturing those light particles at the precise moment you walked out the door?

Remember those days???

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Anyways, his grace & poise was simple. It was sweet. It was delicate in a way.

It made me feel nostalgic for when I went to the amusement park as a young girl & went on all the rides & then got kinda dizzy after it was all over. 🎡

If I didn’t meet his brother Chris at my gym, I would never have found out about his channel. So his brother Chris deserves a mention, also. He’s the sweet & shy one who always said “Hi” to me when no-one else did when I worked out.

So there you go, a couple of big-hearted people I happen to have met in this up & down, sideways, backwards life of mine.

I think every human being needs that, right? A pat on the back for the simple moments of joy they bring you? Even if it was for a couple hours, a couple minutes, a couple days or a couple weeks, those are memory-making moments that stay in your consciousness for a lifetime. Simple moments that teach you to never give up. Or just to teach you it's OK to take a gamble on something in your life. Follow your heart or follow that gut instinct.

So there it is. My simple & gracious tribute for some simple & gracious men. 🙌

Thank you, Chris! 🤗

Thank you, Tim! 🤗

A Big Pat on the Back for…

“The Big Payback”!

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P.S. DISCLAIMER: I did NOT receive any monies for writing this nor was it a paid advertisement. Nor am I receiving financial compensation from blog views. Just a spontaneous & kind essay written before I went to bed last night. Yes, SOME things in life are just done for free! 😊

They have bright & pretty pictures… 🎭

They make me laugh like a little kid inside when the timing is right… 🙆

They never make me feel alone because I'm sitting right next to them… 👫

They always make me feel like I am at a party… 🎉

They always welcome me with open arms… 🤗

They make me feel like I earned a paycheck the way kids do when they open a lemonade stand on their block… 💰

They don't bully me or call me cruel names because they don't want to scare me off & get up & leave them… 🙊

They make me feel like I'm watching magic tricks at a carnival… 🎪

They have different neighbors that come & go so I don’t feel like I'm living in the same neighborhood all the time… 🏡

They make me feel like I'm making a new & exciting friend when I see a different one I haven’t seen before… 🙋

They think I'm fun to hang out with because they don’t ever get up to leave when I joke with them… 😉

They don't really care at all what I look like as long as I feed them their required food, they seem to be happy with that… 💵🍕

They always make me feel loved because when I come back to visit them I feel like I’m visiting an old friend who never gave up on me… 👭❤👬

(This was my small tribute to anyone who's trying to find their own peace & their own happiness & never quite feels like they fit in with the world. Don't let this world make you feel like an outsider. You always have a place… somewhere…) 🌈 🌈🌈

Just a silly satire in my mind for today… 🤔

Wouldn't it be cool if there was a platform where you could only have 12 followers MAX? Like that’s it. Max the cap at 12. Because if you really think about it, Jesus only had 12. But don't call them followers, call them “apostles” or “disciples?” 💫

Then have an option where you could delete one, because Judas was deleted if you think about it? 😔

Then do NOT have a comment section, but a preaching section. Because Jesus never listened to any of his followers. He was always preaching to them. 📣

Then post pictures of yourself performing miracles, like walking on hot coals or something. (Instead of walking on water, get it?) 😇

Then the government comes along & raids your computer & calls you a phoney!!! Kinda like when the Romans accused Jesus of not being who he said he was…😩

Then you are thrown in jail & beaten & spit on & treated like garbage & die a horrific death…😢

But everything is all good because you know that you only have 12 followers (Oops, my bad, 11 left)… But they are all loyal as hell & they will all write a #1 best-selling book about you in the end & call it the BIBLE!!! 📰

So, no worries anymore about not having enough followers, right???

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I logged into my Medium account & found out that there is a green “Listen” button next to my essays. And I never gave anyone permission to make it text-to-speech. Which is bizarre because I think that you are supposed to control those settings yourself. Damn! Is that fair??? 🤔

I never gave anyone permission to make a sound recording & I listened to it briefly to see what it sounded like & it was completely robotic. Like I literally NEVER did anything or turned on a control option or pressed any buttons to make it happen. So I can only assume my account was hacked into & someone else did it or the platform gave themselves the liberty to do it. Hmmm??? 🤔

My thoughts right now…

Dear Medium,

Why are you using a male robot voice? For cripes sake, I'm a child in a woman’s body!!! And people think I sound bossy at times but really I just say what's on my mind & can't censor myself. And I also meditate so sometimes I’m in la-la land feeling deeply at one with God. Don't you have the technology already to come up with a voice for that??? It's 2022, get your shit together!!!

Signed,

A Pissed Off Subscriber Who Is Not Making Royalties Off Of You (Yet…)

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P.S. LOL, just having fun with you, Medium! Thank you for publishing my stories, really & truly. (Even though I did not give you permission to make an audio version). I am humbly & eternally grateful to you for giving me the opportunity to express myself through your outlet. I still cry every day because of the pain but I want to say you've been the biggest help in my healing process from all the hatred. I owe you one.

I love you always…

😘😘😘

If someone guilts you when you are abundant or win a prize or buy a nice car or treat yourself to nice clothes or feel good about enjoying something fun or pleasurable in life, ask them if they bought a Mega Millions ticket last week when it was up to $1 billion dollars. Watch their face because they probably did.

Then guilt them back & say “OMG, OMG, then don't cash your paycheck!”

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***JUST KIDDING! You're actually allowed to have fun in life!***

These are the amazing writers I have encountered in the past year & ½ who never made me feel like something was wrong with me, but only something RIGHT. Which we all are, BTW. We all have something right inside of us & maybe it takes a complete stranger to acknowledge that because the people who think they know us & who are our friends or family really never do. They always hold onto old worn-out memories from the past & don't see you as a phoenix rising from the ashes. They see you as unstable or hysterical, not a vilified individual who was crying out & asking for help after a traumatizing attack. When you want to be enlightened & grow & start a beautiful new way of seeing the world, they'll say but remember when? When you feel like you've changed, they'll try & keep you the same old Anita because it feels safer for THEM. Not for YOU, but for THEM. When you try to explain you think you are on the autism spectrum & need help learning certain things, they'll tell you to grow up & do it yourself. When you want to meditate every day, they'll say you're lazy. When you're kind & pure-hearted & spiritual, they think you're a fool instead. When people just want to keep labeling you, but don't want to be labeled themselves. When you're quiet & people think you're being stuck up instead. When you are trying to be brave & strong & you are called arrogant. When anything you do is distorted to fit other people’s perceptions of you. When you just can't do anything right!!!

Sigh… 😔

These are the amazing people who made me feel like I did something RIGHT…

These strange heroes of mine can be found on the social platform Medium, which I stopped writing on because I wanted to stop the clapping, the applause, the comments, the eyesight deterioration, the headaches of finding out my account was being hacked into when I logged on. I hate social media with a passion. But I love other writers & so I dedicate this post to all the beautiful souls who I never met in real life who touched me, if but for a brief moment. The ones who kept my sanity through my panic attacks. The ones who inspired me to keep on chugging. The ones who kept hope alive in me when I felt shunned or outcast. They are in no order of favoritism. I just jotted their names down real quickly by just bursts of memory. It's when I can't stop the crying anymore that I finally realized there are others who are crying just as much as I do. They are crying to be heard, just like we all are. I hope you read their stories & listen to them because they are all the heroes we need in our lives. I was looking for a hero to save me this whole time & I was so blind not to see they were right next to me. The total strangers on a media platform where the most I ever got paid was I think $2.00 & some change for a month's work. (Oh, yeah, that’s another reason I stopped writing on there. Because I guess in my delusional mind I feel like I am worth more than that).

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These are my literary heroes…

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Misty Moon, Filza Chaudhry, DL Nemeril, Mimi Toya, Lanu Pitan, Margaret Tye, Kira Dawn, Yana Bostongirl, Siobhan Champion, Ankit Priyadarshi, Aaditya Rajagopalan, Kerstin Krause, Darrin Atkins, Doran Lamb, Esther George, JoAnn Ryan, Dwade Kearns, Jen Duff, pockett dessert, Laura Jevtich, Linda Wright, Vincent Van Patten, Jen Gippel, Bassey BY, DonnaWalksInSpirit, The Naked Spiritualist, Jeffers BF, Anthony Eichberger, Nancy Fox, Sara Hardy, Kimberley Fosu, Pam Winter, Dan J, Ed Sharrow, Alberto Garcia, Iva Ursano, Chad Marrah, T. Azhus, Diana Meresc, Solene Chevreau, Madelyn, Tracey Folley, Christopher Lancette, Jerehia Bonners, Pauline LaRocca, Taylor Pawley, Jenny Beecher, Courtney Kirschbaum, Merve DIK, Flynn Hannan, Aldric Chen, Kelli Lynn Grey, Jean Carfantan, Alice Cunningham, Angelina Der Arakelian, Jan Sebastian, Austin Petti, Sam Bracke, Spacesuit Self, Marilyn Flower, TK Mullins, Lisa Daum, Shannon Pierre, John B. Carroll, karl marx junior, Ilana Lydia, Ali Kurtulmus, Chad Gates, Christine Breese, David Perlmutter…

Kelsey Gartland *(exception because I met her in real life & she is not a writer but she’s on my Medium account).*

…And plus anyone else on my Medium account that I did not mention. Your stories are worth hearing but I just did not have any interaction with you so my memory didn't capture anything.

I love you all. I wish I had a party where we could all meet because that is where we could all shine together. For now, I just want to take a back seat & be a nobody who takes a gamble on something else in my life. Go shine on everyone, go shine on!!!

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Please, black woman, know you are exotically beautiful!!! 🌷

Please know you should not feel any less amazing because of your skin color. 🌷

Please know that I feel ugly when I look in the mirror because of the hateful things people have said about me too. But that stops right now, for both of us.🌷

Please know that just because my skin color is lighter doesn’t mean I am exempt from feeling flawed. 🌷

Please know that you are full of life & you have talents residing in you that are just waiting to POP! 🌷

Please know that there are others around you who wish they looked like you & you don't even know it. 🌷

Please know that life is not a competition with other women but a journey of discovering your uniqueness. 🌷

Please know that I once had a beautiful petite black girlfriend when I lived in NYC who didn’t want to hang out with me because she was so hung up on the fact I was lighter than she was. No matter how often I told her how gifted she was, she still didn’t believe it. I miss her… 🌷

Please know I'm just in awe of your strength & I wish I was resilient & dynamic like you. 🌷

Please know my sarcasm is meant to make people laugh & don’t ever take it personally if something I say triggers you. 🌷

Please know if I woke up to you as a roommate girlfriend every day, I would remind you of these things, EVERY SINGLE DAY! 🌷

Please know that men are not always going to tell you that, so don't try to change them. Try & do it yourself & look in the mirror & talk to yourself & say it. 🌷

Please know how freaking funny you are because I hear you talk with your girlfriends & your bawdiness makes me laugh inside! 😅🌷

Please know that I don't smile alot at you sometimes because I'm lost in my own little world & it is no way a reflection of your worth as a human being.🌷

Please know we are all misunderstood at times & that once we start realizing that, then we can all heal. 🌷

Please know that, please know that, please know that… 🌷

Please know that YOU ARE EXOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL & if you don't feel it right now, you will start the moment after now!🌷

OK …. NOW….!!!! 😅🌷😅

(Just a silly thought going through my mind right now…)

Hey, YOU, sweet black guy!!!

Whenever I see you at the pool, you make me smile… 😊

You make me feel like swimming a mile… 🏊

You always say something nice to me, even though I'm just a stranger… 🙋

Wouldn't it be nice if we created some danger??? 😲

Hatred says black & white shouldn't mix with each other… 🤔

How about we show them how to be each other's brother? 😗

OMG, I just thought some thoughts out loud! 😈

I’m not ashamed, just living in my cloud…⛅

We may never ever cross paths again. 👣

And if we don't, just remind yourself to look within…🙏

You have power! You are strong! 🏋

I love the color of your skin & that's not wrong…💏

Who cares what people think or say about you, black man… 🗣

Stay proud, own that color, own that tan! ⛱

BTW, I secretly love you, even after knowing the haunted & dark past you’ve been through. 💣

I bet you never knew that before? Well…

NOW… YOU… DO…!!! 💘

Signed,

*With Love*

A Skinny-Ass White Woman

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