INSIGHT INTO MENTAL ILLNESS
(Before Seeking Help)
“Joyous”
Today is July 13. This day was the day I was brought forth and was born into this plain of existence we perceive as life on Earth. I was awake all night until early morning. Struggling to take control of both my mind and thoughts which were circling around me as vultures would a wounded prey, just waiting, watching ever so closely, looking for the opportunity to strike when their prey seems to be at its weakest. So as to take it down with little to no resistance. Then feast and consume it's lifeless corpse until there is nothing left but a heap of bones that is now reminiscent memory of a life that once existed. Only to become forgotten as time goes by reminding us that time heals all wounds, yet waits for no one. In reality that is what my mind has become. Wounded and scarred, licking my flesh wounds and beginning the process of healing. Building my strength and preparing myself to triumph over any obstacle that may arise from time to time and is to be set forth in front me attempting to oppose me threatening to stop me from completing my most basic instinct to not just survive but to strive. Circled by memories of torment caused by traumatic events I have both witnessed and experienced. This is one of my many mental states. When the time comes and a certain mindset is needed, depending on the situation or obstacle, it will arise like a hero saving the day by reaching out his hand and appearing out of nowhere at the perfect moment when you least expect it. Then pulls you up to safety saving you from falling to your most certain doom. It awakens from my subconscious and becomes activated. As if in a tag team match within my own mind. It's my own thoughts and in reality it all brakes down to different mindsets that at one time or another dictates my decisions making and causing the will to act. For the most part a state of mind at that time to which I would perceive things in certain way. Wether it's a scenario, situation, mood, or memory that will bring a certain emotional state accompanied by said mindset. As I was saying, I spent last night until early morning attempting to transfer these despairing and chaotic thoughts that are always accompanied by emotions which trigger one of my mindsets or personalities. (Anguish) as I like to call was last night's mindset. I now know it's linked to an early childhood memory that I experienced too early in my life and was unable to comprehend until now. A memory which only caused me heartache to which I blocked out until recently due to experiencing trauma that gave me the same sense of hopelessness and emotional distress. I came to that realization when I remembered the first time I've ever experienced profound sorrow. Thus (Anguish) came into being. So last night I did what I could to transfer myself in an organized, comprehendible manor to which any person could read and would become submerged in my mental psyche. As I swiped as quickly possible on my phone threw out the night transferring and translating everything I felt was going threw my mind. I figured it would be better then the alternative route, which is staring at the ceiling or walls for hours at a time only to be snapped out of my daze by my Loving wife Lorena in which reminding me to blink. For I am not simply recalling it, or reminiscing but reliving every event, feeling the emotional distress, slowly but surely resurfacing from beneath. Feeling fresh as if it just occurred the day before. I felt the sense of hopelessness of impending Doom. Believe me when I tell you, I've cheated death before. In different ways. I am familiar with the sense of panic which leads to accepting your going to perish. Only come at a crossroads. Either I give up and die. Or to exceed my limitations and give it all I have, only to find within me a power to which I never realized I had. So even if I don't make it, I will die knowing I did everything in my power to beat the odds against my favor. Which I did, barley before passing out on the sand. This being the most recent attempt of putting myself in a predicament to which I could lose my life. It boiled down to my making peace with a higher power, God, sheer will, accompanied by pure adrenaline. This experience is what I call “The day I decided to drown myself at the lake”. It was during a family event. All my in-laws witnessed along with my wife. I put myself into danger and went into the water accompanied by no one, full knowingly I wasn't going to make it to the other side. By then it was too late I had already made up my mind. I had already passed the point of no return when the sense fear set in. I purposely tried to end my life by attempting to swim across to the other side of a lake. Knowing I did not have any swimming experience or training. Wasn't even in proper shape, my cardio was a joke for goodness sake. That's a story for another time. Where was I, oh right, so after I finished expressing my tormented childhood in readable format. Something miraculous happened. My mind set shifted. Almost as if a someone had flicked a light switch, and brought light to my darkness. Almost as sense of warm relief or a gasp of fresh air into my deprived lungs. (Joyous) came into mind, literally. (Joyous) is what I call my mindset when I was care free and only spent my time and money enjoying everything life could make available to me at the time. Whether it was a song I liked playing over the radio on the way home from work that caused me to have a party in my mind. At one time I was considered the life of the party, as well as the loudest. I compare it to the taste of the of an ice cold beer after a 12 hour hard days work on a scorching hot summer day. It was the mindset of my 20's mostly. Just party, party, party, party, and more party. Some of my best memories is with my home boys throwing me a birthday party at the trap house over on the west side of Stockton California. Only items available on the menu were coronas, Budweiser and whatever other alcoholic beverage you could think of. Oh and don't forget weed and the blow, and lots of it. Believe me when I tell you I hanged with a rough crowd. If you didn't represent a neighborhood or colors or a crew, then we would not be considered friend's. People like that made me feel normal. That is a big issue for me. Just imagine a house full of knuckle heads who with enough beer, blunts, and key shots, would inevitably cause one friend to clash with one another, including me at times. I had my moments in the spot light. As everyone watched a good tussle and laughed the night away as we called it all in the name of a good time. Anything would set us off. That is the mindset that I've labeled (Joyous). To be honest I should have labeled it (Wreck-less). That mindset would risk anything at any given moment at any expense even my life. All in the name of having senseless fun. Out of all my personalities (Joyous) is my favorite. The voices that torment me whether real or in mind are always quite when (Joyous) is in play. Not sure why, but they do. (Joyous) is rare to me now. I see it as a commodity. I used to be in that state of mind all the time. Now, I only feel it once in a while, and only after earning it. So now I went from feeling (Anguish) to (Joyous) in an instant. Now there is light at the end of the tunnel, an the view of an island in the horizon, a target in my sights. A goal to aim towards which will gives me reason enough to pull myself out of bed and smile while stepping outside into the sunlight. No matter how much the bright light strains my eyes. I'm not sure but I believe this is the feeling of sense of hope. There is no hope without faith. So today, I give thanks to God for giving me the strength to triumph over the obstacle the devil had set forth in my path today. I've learned over time that rain falls on the just and unjust alike and when it rains, it pours. It's who you are and what you decide to harness from within that sets you apart. It's a mindset that takes power over your body. It will either cause you to freeze and lose your composure causing you to crumble into a thousand pieces. Or bring forth the fight in you, the fight that will obliterate anything or anyone attempting to oppose you or threatening get in your way. That mindset I have labeled (Righteous). That's a whole chapter for another time. This is a written look into my psyche, life, mind, and soul. Today is July 13, my birthday and it is 11:52 p.m. and like most things in life both good and bad, all must inevitably come to an end. Today I stand proud for I have won another battle. Another battle in the endless War of living and breathing, even if it's just for another day. Good night, sleep well, for all is right in the universe.
Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart Over All.
By: CBC (🧀)
https://medium.com/@CBCASTILLO
https://write.as/CBC