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Insight into mental illness.

Insight Into Mental Illness

“Meds Trial and Error Phase”

(Acceptance)

Today it's Saturday December 19, 2020. It's 6:08 p.m. A chilly, windless night. Mist forming on the road of the street. Tomorrow we will rise to a very foggy morning. I've just been contemplating my next move against myself towards my worst enemy. “Me”. Grand prize being my mentality of course. “I”, as I'm myself, believe I regained trust for a cousin I had a falling out with not to long ago. All miscommunication that's all. Any who, I had already accepted him back into my circle which I keep small. So this way if I have to tidy up the circle it doesn't become much of a problem. Tonight I have come to terms in my mind to trust again. Yet my primal side begins to pull me away from that trust I'm trying to re-establish. The PTSD is behind that one. So I know it's a big breakthrough trusting again but I'm not in a mood to show it. Feel empty. So I just focus on a couple things I tell myself 1) mind over body, sou over mind, HEART OVERALL. The rain falls on the just an unjust alike. When it rains it pours and it's who you are and what you decide to harness positive or negative energy that sets you apart. So now I'm asking God to give the me the strength to triumph over any obstacle the devil May set forth in my path today, from both strange face and familiar alike. Even my own. Focused balance through Discipline equals Progress for All. God is Good

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I WAS BORN OF THIS

#1 Out of wedlock. #2 No Father on Birth certificate. #3 ∆No Moral Stand point.∆ #4 No Documentation #5 No Fair Wages #6 No Equality #7 No Retirement Plan #8 No More Bull Shit #9 No more Reason To Stop #10 No More Holding Back

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Insight Into Mental Illness

“After seeking help”

Rejoice

Trial and Error

I've just come to the realization that I was born in some ways, with an advantage in comparative with your average american for the fact that I am bilingual. As a matter of fact I am constantly speaking in many languages. Whether it's a bad word or a phrase. I encourage and enjoy it very much. Not the bad words portion but for the ability to offend someone good in many different languages. Lmao, I'm having a great time with in laws. I've had a few to drink and an grateful for being accepted and allowed to be part of something. Something called family. I've found the right balance of meds. I have found closure, so thought. Most importantly, I've found the sense of family. Thanks goes to God for giving me the strength to triumph over all if not most obstacles the devil has laid forth in front of me whether it's both familiar or strange face alike. In the strive for progress for both stranger and loved one alike. As long as focused discipline only threw balances equals progress for all. In every sense of the word. Then you are on the right path. “Mind over body, Soul over Mind, Heart over All.”

By CBC (🧀)

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False Sense of Stability (MEDS)

Insight into mental illness

“After seeking help”

I know realize that the meds that help me become more stable, which is a positive step towards progress, is forcing the luxury of comfort unto my mentality. I can't seem to focus any of my time on accomplishing my goal of commencing the process citizenship. I strive to become like everyone else in the form of equality in opportunities. Yet all I seem to want to do is work on myself physically. Cardio mostly. That and declined pushups to readjust my sternum. Just so it can be equal to my shoulder strength. I believe that is where my area power comes from. It's a bi-product of carrying hardwood boxes up flights of stairs in my youth. I'm grateful for it because muscle memory and my up upper body is important if I want be capable of carrying heavy weight for long periods of time. Unfortunately as a “be careful of what you ask for kind of way!” I wanted an sense of stability and consistency from the meds. Is there a such thing as too much Stability? Well I can't focus on the things that bother me like reconnecting with family or friends, searching and discovering my bloodline so I can complete a family tree and finally belong to something that brings a sense of familiarity due to shared family physical features. It is becoming incredibly difficult to become upset when I lose at something. For example Chess. When I lose, I've noticed it doesn't bother me like it used to, before the meds. My competitive edge is being wore by the meds as if a corrosive chipping away until it's subdued and tamed. If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.

Currently on anti depressant, mood stabilizers, sleep aids anti psychotics. They don't help with the nightmares of good knows what or why. I have nothing for anxiety because I somewhat can't function without it. To the point I have to cause it.

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Equality

(Luxury or Illusion)

I've come to a standpoint in my current position in both political and economical status in the Country of the free. Where freedom of speech and democracy where born. The land where dreams can come true. I now see how rules and regulations are not only instilled in our minds but put in place to cause us to believe such things are available to all. In reality it's mostly red tape to detour and prolong. Which is necessary step to establish the quality of living for said immigrating population arriving in there attempts to establish the American dream. Unfortunately that is not available to all. There are those who do not have the luxury of said opportunities. For few lack drive, there are few who have the drive and accomplish thier goals. Yet there are those that have been labeled outcast or disowned by their own kin. Some by their own means. Others by neglect by their unfortunate circumstances. Some can't comprehend, due to never learning to acknowledge that they are capable of doing so. Then there are those who hardly exist for they have no part of their past to identify with. No family to claim them. No country that can identify them. What good is the of the land of the free? When all is restricted. How can you be heard? When your worst fear is being spotted and becoming ostracized from a place you call home. Yet are programed to stay out of sight due to the lack of registration. Eventually those dreams will start to seem as dream in another life. Eventually it will become a taunt. As if eating in front of a starving man or dieing of thirst on a small island while watching ships sail by. Inevitably you will give it your last hoorah, if you will. Your last true attempt. I believe if you would fully surrender yourself to what ever you want to accomplish. It's not if you accomplish said goal. It's only a matter of time until you do. Whether it's a football scholarship, business proposal, or nutrition plan. It can and will become a reality. An object will always remain on said course or trajectory unless an external force is introduced as resistance to veer it of track. That is a undeniable truth. That goes for goals as well. Whether it's a goal towards bettering your position, quality of living, or simply to get identification, ect. That is all in good. Although, what if the force of resistance comes from within. As if it were an unbalanced proton within a nucleus which is enough to cause a slight wobble that would cause you to veer off track? A singularity that will cause you to constantly navigate in order to remain on course. What then. Well that is the mindset I have now. I have to navigate threw my past in order to better my future. Hope all goes well. No matter how grim it might seem. There is 2 things that will most certainly happen. No matter how hard or impossible the path set in front of you may seem. Whether it's a curvy road, a maze or a labyrinth. You can rest assured one of two things will happen. #1 You will either Triump emerging victorious on the other side. Or, #2 You simply do not emerge at all, to which your struggle will be over and you will lay at rest. So long as you know you didn't give up and gave it your all with whatever tools you had at your disposal. Whether it's academics , support, or assistance. In that matter perception. You can rest assure things will inevitably become easier. One way or another. In all honesty, there are good ideals of this country are obscured. Allot of the ways of the world are ran by darkness disguised as light. For example, the blind Lady of justice. It's a very flawed system. I've heard of true factual stories where law enforcement has had assistance by verified psychics to solve cold cases that occurred decades ago. How come can't compose  a  jury of the same psychics to prevent wrongful accusation? Thus becoming the insightful lady of justice. Sounds foolish? I think not. Along with the D***head who decided to run the world on petroleum products. That is what keeps tyrants in power. Without the need of armies nor war. Justified or should I say rationalized with bureaucracy. For the events that had taken place to which put tyrants in power over the oil industry which were paved with blood of the innocent and guilty alike. To which it's quitly swept under the rug before diplomatic proceedings even took place. That seems to me to be the true definition of prime evil. Death for oil. It's a wonder no one has put a stop to it now that are huge advancements in technology. That won't be allowed. Does the Bin laden's and the Bush’s ring a bell? If I'm not mistaken, they had a long history of making profit together. Like for example oil tycoons, wealthy middle eastern sheiks, legacy in presidency, Iraq. It's obvious. In the manner it was brought to the public eye was not necessary. Very unfortunate and wrong in so many ways. Atrocities as those are simply the product of people doing things in the name of profit and not progress. Events as those would never take place should we all strive for the same goal. This world is ran by darkness disguised as light. I truly believe the truth will always come to light no matter how long it takes. No matter how few discover. It's inevitable. In the end all we want is to be is equals and become the masters of their own environment. That is what I currently strive for and I pray to God to give me the strength to Triumph over any obstacle the devil may throw my way. Both familiar and strange face alike. In order to remain vigilant on the road to righteousness in the strive of progress for all. Both stranger and loved ones alike. This a written look into my life, psyche, mind, and soul.

By: CBC 🧀

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Familia

(Tenacious)

Today is Friday November 13, 2020 5:22 p.m. It's a cloudy murky day. A day that will not invoke inspiration, nor a good mood for that matter. A day that express despair. Yet my mood could not be more the opposite of this day. I feel as my mood might shed light on this day. I have a very optimistic mind set. I have experienced something today that I haven't felt in a long time. I got in touch with family who would love nothing more then for me to be part of the family. My auntie Hortencia. Tracked her down. Due to my tenacity I have now contact with my grandpa R C, H C, J B, G B. I actually made contact with my blood. I'm finally reconnecting with someone who reminds me of my self when looking at the pictures. I finally start to track down my lineage and start a family tree. Heck, maybe even stumble upon a family crest. Thank you God for giving me the strength to Triumph over any obstacle the devil has set forth in my path, both familiar and strange face alike. In the strive to remain vigilant and remain on the road of righteousness towards progress. I feel a bit more complete. The void in my heart no longer has an bottomless pit. There may be a way of not filling that void, but to no longer acknowledge that it's there for there is nothing out of place. For all can be right. Not in the universe, but within myself.Today I stand proud for I have won another battle. Another battle in the endless War of living and breathing, even if it's just for another day. Good night, sleep well, for all is right in the universe.This is a written look into my psyche, life, mind, and soul. MIND OVER BODY, SOUL OVER MIND, HEART OVER ALL.

By: CBC (🧀)

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Forgiveness

“After seeking help”

You must focus on the good times and not the bad. Otherwise you'll remain unbalanced and that is not good. I have now learned to forgive all those I had resentment for. In that form I can introduce stability in my life. My illness of anxiety is inherited from mother. It's okay, since I now realize I can beat the odds by figuring out how to ask for help. Help in support, help in moral stand point threw therapy. I realize now that I just have more reasons to be grateful but still need more help in the way of helping my wife. So today I'm going to do the best and become the rock she needs. Help by making her promise me and in return to attend more online support group meeting. I know one will make a difference. There fore helping her make the right decision in reaching our goal for a normal life. House, bank account, Driver licenced, credit cards, the whole nine yards. That is what we strive for 👍. Finally I have a proper goal. Thank God for all is getting better. Mind over body, soul over mind, heart over all.

By: CBC (🧀)

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Disclaimer

CBC.Write.as.com

A letter of establishment of my writings.

I am creating a log/ record of my struggle of my mental illness. I am making 4 piece series of just my life dealing with mental illness.

#1 Before Realizing I Needed Help.

#2 Before seeking help

#3 after seeking help

#4 end result.

These writings are just my mental state at the time when writing. I am trying to simply log my journey. I am now currently seeking help.  Within the next month I will be finally receiving the proper help and will start writing the start of the my new chapter of both my manuscript and life.

I am no longer in the state of mind F.Y.I

(🧀) https://medium.com/@CBCASTILLO

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Letter to my love

Sunday October 25, 2020 2:47 p.m

This letter is for you, my beautiful girl. Who's gaze will always stop me dead in my tracks, for your eyes are my anchor. Forever keeping me down on Earth, In body, mind, soul and most importantly heart. Your eyes have a power over me as none other. They can banish me into shame in every sense if the word. They can empower me to the point of no return. Yet your gaze always rescues me, even from myself. For your stare will always snap me back into reality, no matter how oblivious and destructive I may be. You are my coherency, my conscience, my sanity, my inspiration, my drive, my confider, my reason for being. I only continue to breath by your words of inspiration. I could never do anything to harm you my love, even if that means me standing by your side. Your destiny decides my fate. My strong kind woman, my beautiful wife. LCM

CBC (🧀)

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INSIGHT INTO MENTAL ILLNESS

(Before Seeking Help)

“JOYOUS”

Today is July 13. This day was the day I was brought forth and was born into this plain of existence we perceive as life on Earth. I was awake all night until early morning. Struggling to take control of both my mind and thoughts which were circling around me as vultures would a wounded prey, just waiting, watching ever so closely, looking for the opportunity to strike when their prey seems to be at its weakest. So as to take it down with little to no resistance. Then feast and consume it's lifeless corpse until there is nothing left but a heap of bones that is now reminiscent memory of a life that once existed. Only to become forgotten as time goes by reminding us that time heals all wounds, yet waits for no one. In reality that is what my mind has become. Wounded and scarred, licking my flesh wounds and beginning the process of healing. Building my strength and preparing myself to triumph over any obstacle that may arise from time to time and is to be set forth in front me attempting to oppose me threatening to stop me from completing my most basic instinct to not just survive but to strive. Circled by memories of torment caused by traumatic events I have both witnessed and experienced. This is one of my many mental states. When the time comes and a certain mindset is needed, depending on the situation or obstacle, it will arise like a hero saving the day by reaching out his hand and appearing out of nowhere at the perfect moment when you least expect it. Then pulls you up to safety saving you from falling to your most certain doom. It awakens from my subconscious and becomes activated. As if in a tag team match within my own mind. It's my own thoughts and in reality it all brakes down to different mindsets that at one time or another dictates my decisions making and causing the will to act. For the most part a state of mind at that time to which I would perceive things in certain way. Wether it's a scenario, situation, mood, or memory that will bring a certain emotional state accompanied by said mindset. As I was saying, I spent last night until early morning attempting to transfer these despairing and chaotic thoughts that are always accompanied by emotions which trigger one of my mindsets or personalities. (Anguish) as I like to call was last night's mindset. I now know it's linked to an early childhood memory that I  experienced too early in my life and was unable to comprehend until now. A memory which only caused me heartache to which I blocked out until recently due to experiencing trauma that gave me the same sense of hopelessness and emotional distress. I came to that realization when I remembered the first time I've ever experienced profound sorrow. Thus (Anguish) came into being. So last night I did what I could to transfer myself in an organized, comprehendible manor to which any person could read and would become submerged in my mental psyche. As I swiped as quickly possible on my phone threw out the night transferring and translating everything I felt was going threw my mind. I figured it would be better then the alternative route, which is staring at the ceiling or walls for hours at a time only to be snapped out of my daze by my Loving wife Lorena in which reminding me to blink. For I am not simply recalling it, or reminiscing but reliving every event, feeling the emotional distress, slowly but surely resurfacing from beneath. Feeling fresh as if it just occurred the day before. I felt the sense of hopelessness of impending Doom. Believe me when I tell you, I've cheated death before. In different ways. I am familiar with the sense of panic which leads to accepting your going to perish. Only come at a crossroads. Either I give up and die. Or to exceed my limitations and give it all I have, only to find within me a power to which I never realized I had. So even if I don't make it, I will die knowing I did everything in my power to beat the odds against my favor. Which I did, barley before passing out on the sand. This being the most recent attempt of putting myself in a predicament to which I could lose my life. It boiled down to my making peace with a higher power, God, sheer will, accompanied by pure adrenaline. This experience is what I call “The day I decided to drown myself at the lake”. It was during a family event. All my in-laws witnessed along with my wife. I put myself into danger and went into the water accompanied by no one, full knowingly I wasn't going to make it to the other side. By then it was too late I had already made up my mind. I had already passed the point of no return when the sense fear set in. I purposely tried to end my life by attempting to swim across to the other side of a lake. Knowing I did not have any swimming experience or training. Wasn't even in proper shape, my cardio was a joke for goodness sake. That's a story for another time. Where was I, oh right, so after I finished expressing my tormented childhood in readable format. Something miraculous happened. My mind set shifted. Almost as if a someone had flicked a light switch, and brought light to my darkness. Almost as sense of warm relief or a gasp of fresh air into my deprived lungs. (Joyous) came into mind, literally. (Joyous) is what I call my mindset when I was care free and only spent my time and money enjoying everything life could make available to me at the time.  Whether it was a song I liked playing over the radio on the way home from work that caused me to have a party in my mind. At one time I was considered the life of the party, as well as the loudest. I compare it to the taste of the of an ice cold beer after a 12 hour hard days work on a scorching hot summer day. It was the mindset of my 20's mostly. Just party, party, party, party, and more party. Some of my best memories is with my home boys throwing me a birthday party at the trap house over on the west side of Stockton California. Only items available on the menu were coronas, Budweiser and whatever other alcoholic beverage you could think of. Oh and don't forget weed and  the blow, and lots of it. Believe me when I tell you I hanged with a rough crowd. If you didn't represent a neighborhood or colors or a crew, then we would not be considered friend's. People like that made me feel normal. That is a big issue for me. Just imagine a house full of knuckle heads who with enough beer, blunts, and key shots, would inevitably cause one friend to clash with one another, including me at times. I had my moments in the spot light. As everyone watched a good tussle and laughed the night away as we called it all in the name of a good time. Anything would set us off. That is the mindset that I've labeled (Joyous). To be honest I should have labeled it (Wreck-less). That mindset would risk anything at any given moment at any expense even my life. All in the name of having senseless fun. Out of all my personalities (Joyous) is my favorite. The voices that torment me whether real or in mind are always quite when (Joyous) is in play. Not sure why, but they do. (Joyous) is rare to me now. I see it as a commodity. I used to be in that state of mind all the time. Now, I only feel it once in a while, and only after earning it. So now I went from feeling (Anguish) to (Joyous) in an instant. Now there is light at the end of the tunnel, an the view of an island in the horizon, a target in my sights. A goal to aim towards which will gives me reason enough to pull myself out of bed and smile while stepping outside into the sunlight. No matter how much the bright light strains my eyes. I'm not sure but I believe this is the feeling of sense of hope. There is no hope without faith. So today, I give thanks to God for giving me the strength to triumph over the obstacle the devil had set forth in my path today. I've learned over time that rain falls on the just and unjust alike and when it rains, it pours. It's who you are and what you decide to harness from within that sets you apart. It's a mindset that takes power over your body. It will either cause you to freeze and lose your composure causing you to crumble into a thousand pieces. Or bring forth the fight in you, the fight that will obliterate anything or anyone attempting to oppose you or threatening get in your way. That mindset I have labeled (Righteous). That's a whole chapter for another time. This is a written look into my psyche, life, mind, and soul. Today is July 13, my birthday and it is 11:52 p.m. and like most things in life both good and bad, all must inevitably come to an end. Today I stand proud for I have won another battle. Another battle in the endless War of living and breathing, even if it's just for another day. Good night, sleep well, for all is right in the universe.

Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart Over All.

By: CBC (🧀)

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