Most of my memoir.
Insight Into Mental Illness
Tuesday September 8, 12:14 p.m
I came to the realization today that I can't distinguish the difference between experiencing a manic episode or being in a great mood.
Why? I was manic the majority of my youth and adulthood. Now that I'm having trouble becoming or even maintaining a manic episode, my personality in reality was shaped and molded by episodes of mania triggered by severe anxiety. Now without mania where my outgoing personality would normally surface in social gatherings. Now leaves me at blank and uneasy, anxious, and with the sense I vulnerability to which is overwhelming to the point I've surrendered and succumbed to the demons lurking behind the closed door where my skeletons reside. Each skeleton that I yearn for one day to become a distant forgotten memory that will would cease to exist in my mind, heart, and soul and relinquish me from the grasp that memory has over my well being. because time heals all wounds yet waits for no man left behind. Friday, September 11 9:14 a.m.
(Insight Into Mental Illness After Seeking Help)
Today was an emotional disaster. By far one of the most volatile this month, by far! In a half glasshalf full perspective, it's not the worst this year. I'm hoping that was the peak of my illness's way of lashing out. So I choose to believe the worst is past me. Or so I thought. Just relived a memory in which I treated in the same manor so I believe it's a proper way to balance out my attempt at mental equilibrium. I choose to believe said memory was not real or non existent and that is why I am at this cross road today. So I might as well use the tactic of demise against its negative attempt at me by applying the same strategy in a positive manor. A mental counter move if you will. So I choose to believe the worst episode is behind me. Thus exploiting a weakness as a new found strength. I've realized I can use same tactic to apply the opposite reaction. If you believe one to be true, then you must expect other to be as well. Example gravity, weight less ness. The natural order of things against things artificial on nature. Newton's law. For every action there will always be a equal reaction. If you feel you've experienced true anguish then you are capable of finding true happiness because only through anguish comes clarity yet you will never know the feeling of victory because you will always finish second. Any fine tuned organism has to be perfectly balanced. Equilibrium is key. My belief system consists of this. God's law known as physics. For every action there will always be an equal reaction. Undeniable fact. As well as mathematical principal. A negative multiplied by a negative will always be a negative as well as a positive multiplied by a positive will always come out to be a positive. So long as law's of physics bound to this earth apply. Example. Newton's law, an object will remain on its trajectory unless an external force is introduced in the form of resistance to which can be measured in the form of newton's. That can be applied to a focus or mindset, or goal. So long as we remain focused and do not allow distraction. Therefore you will become your obstacle. As the saying goes, you will become your own worst enemy.
Insight into mental illness
August 3rd 7 a.m.
I've been going on in and out of mania and depressive in a unforeseeable fashion. Randomly and volatile. Sometimes the shock of a cold shower would give me the shock I need to elevate my mood. Yesterday I awoke depressive after falling asleep. I awoke to my doctor's nurse. Twice. Tho after speaking to doc. I felt joyous. The anxiety of 21 questions when someone you know is far more superior intellectually if very nerve wrecking. Yet as per usual occurrence. To explain better I'll put it like this. My anxiety, or (Anxious) state of mind would trigger a manic episode. Does anyone know what mania is like? Anyone at all?? Well just picture in the early stages of mania. Now I suppose under conventional understanding of bipolar disorder, you start of as Type 3. Now as as child I experienced type 3. I experienced a lot of disciplinary actions for making other students laugh and causing the teacher to lose thier nerve. That would give me a rush. I would get in a lot of trouble. I've time a teacher. Mrs. Patterson bright, who by the way I had the miss pleasure of running into her not only in summer school after regular school year. I move to a different school Palma Ceia, and guess who's there. Mrs. Patterson bright. Anyways, I once pissed her off so badly that she actually took a swing at me. Just a small small smack on the back. Scapula region, right side. Just to put prove a point of how much of a mischievous wild child I was. Only when I am in an (Mischievous) state of mind. Now I know what was oblivious to my parents as well as myself at that early age. Now I recognized.
Again, now that I know more about my mental illness, I now realize and recognize I experienced type 2. I would not be able to get enough excitement. Example:Reason being I had been sneaking out stealing cars being completely wreck less. The mania accompanied by a full blown adrenaline fueled close call would only become the beginning of the chase of the same rush. The fact that I had no love for myself and no love from another directly caused me to constantly go down an self destructive path which always put me in harm's way. Some were just for fun. Joy riding, breaking into the local snack shop at the local school, park and sports recreational areas. Had 3 pillow cases full of candy. One was all sneakers, butter fingers, and baby Ruth's. Or being on the freeway in 2v stolen vehicle's throwing water bottles at each other. Which by the way we found a 24 pack in the trunk. Only to end it by stealing gas if the back of a truck which we later found out was diesel. That isn't even the worst part. It was trash day. I hit damn near every trash can on the way home. First time my delinquency ended up on the morning news.
(Insight Into Mental Illness After Seeking Help
Today is Monday October 22, 2020
It's a fresh almost brisk night, good for night jogging or maybe some early fishing. The morning that you will know you will be in for a slow breath of fresh air that will bring you a crisp invigorating smile fit to take on the day and forget the existence of time because you will be slave to time no more. Time enslaves us all. That is the sentiment I feel at the current moment mindset. So let's do this. Or as in a very wise man once told me, “ Let's knock this shit out and go home!”. That is where I believe I absorbed this mindset and thanks to him, whether or not I realized it at the time, is going to be the mindset I will focus the most towards the end of my journey. Only after balance is restored of coarse. None is more important for functionalities of the human condition then the equilibrium of a fine tuned and well maintained instrument of focus disciplined . Which path leads in that direction? It would be up to you. I've observed the business end of it. Now that I understand the fundamentals of the way of gain and loss. Chess is the master in this epiphany. With great gain comes great cost. So in order to to be victorious you must become familiar with both compromise and sacrifice. Along with the emotional strain accompanied by torment that will cause one to strengthen own flaws in character that will restrain you from finding the most sustainable balance that will bring you consistency only after brilliance has been established in the form of achievement. The reward of which being both self and sense is accomplishments to which the sky will no longer be the limit for the universe will be ours to call home. Not in the form of separation, distribution, litigation, nor profit but though unity in the name of progress and not profit. We achieve to become stronger in times when humanity is at its most vulnerable. Triumph threw anguish will bring clarity that will set us on a path of progress that will be only possible by confronting an outside force. We must strive for a collective self awareness and an expansion of the awareness of all that is us in our universe and all that our universe is in us. Our source of energy is unique to us. For this universe provided the nourishment for our existence to bloom and flourish.
I just now realized I have a blocked memory of being sexual abused before my mother had started her new family. Turns out She was fully aware and she never gave me the option to decide whether or not I wanted to know what occurred to me as a child. That would have simply explained the nightmares disguised as dreams.I feel that my struggle to find out who, what, or why has left me with the sense of me being labeled a liar in my failed attempts to discover why I always ask why? Why my intrusion in many forms or size have always bothered me to the point of giving me the sense betrayal. Always having a mind set on always prepared in the form of alertness which is just intensified focus on your senses observing you environment to analysis to any situation that may arise from time to time. This way to have the proper tools so as to fear “smart response to actual danger.” Fear is only a tool, and like all things to much will overwhelm you and turn from alertness and ability to not improve but focus your senses and ability to statistically reveal the mechanics or nature of things. The way only true laws on God's earth. Physics. All on this world are governed by this fact. Whether it is a simple reaction to an action, like 3rd law. Newton's 3rd law applies to more then just the physical world. Like for example if can be viewed as karma.
Is it crazy to say that I have remembered my traumatic experience which answers why do I find myself constantly asking why? I could simply look up the answer online. Or simply analyze the data and make your best estimated guess. I have discovered that by going threw my memories that deceived me into believing said traumtic experience never occurred. This trauma has profoundly burrowed itself into my past which now realize I don't remember much of. As a matter of fact I checked my school transcripts and there is no records of my attending school until the third or fourth grade. I just started from 4th grade.
DEVIOUS STATE OF MIND
My (Devious) state of mind, which is my dark subconscious adversary which strives to be the cause of my very own demise. My mortal enemy (DEVIOUS) Which will leave seeds of destruction focused towards myself. As if that State of minds only focus is my perishing from this plane of existence we perceive as life on Earth. As if the (DEVIOUS) culprit was responsible for trail of breadcrumbs that led to appalling memories that are too disturbing to recall. Where my strength is being tested not from physical strain but from a spiritual and mental that can tear ones soul apart unless you focused on the good times not the bad otherwise you just go mad. I believe this is the definition of insane. How do you realize severity of your misery, when your mind is accustomed to it simply due to your perspective on life. Simply work from outside the universe and work your way in. Simply and complex, which has been known to best describe human brain. The depth of one's min can be simply ventured into. it's finding your way out that becomes the true challenge. Not all have been fortunate to find the way back after losing their mind. Even then never truly same again. Traumatic experiences have been known to change your brain chemistry which causes genetic marker genome that is a fact that's proves of mind over matter. The reason that occurs is so your bloodline might be able to handle such situation that you were not capable of handling yourself which is the definition of evolution if I'm not mistaken. Therefore if you want to have positive things and positive outcomes.
I WAS BORN OF THIS
#1 Out of wedlock. #2 No Father on Birth certificate. #3 ∆No Moral Stand point.∆ #4 No Documentation #5 No Fair Wages #6 No Equality #7 No Retirement Plan #8 No More Bull Shit #9 No more Reason To Stop #10 No More Holding Back.
As of late it's becoming more and more difficult to ignore the unfair and unnecessary obstacles that most Hispanics must essentially triumph over in order to simply make an honest living in a time and age where Hispanics are , dismissed and misunderstood due to the fact of the inability to distinguish on paper the differences between simple hard-working class families and the criminals trying to blend in and sneak their way in undetected. So instead of weighing all options Hispanics are simply categorized, stamped and labeled. It seems this country just won't learn. Just remember there will come a day when our children's children will look back on the events that are currently taking place. They are going to remember an ignorant and naive nation that seems to handle rough situation in the same manner a spoiled child throwing a tantrum would when things aren't going their way. As history in the U.S. tends to repeats itself as we have witnessed time and time again. For example Native Americans, African Americans and now Hispanics. Usually followed by measly attempts decades later to compensate in a manner of speaking for decades of emotional distress, pain, and even genocide. For example the natives have now been given exclusive Casino rights and the land to go along with it. The African Americans too with receiving large amounts of money labeled “reparations”. Is this what we want to remember in the same manor as we frown upon when recalling the actions that took place not too long ago when segregation laws were out in place and were enforced on a daily basis to the full extent of the applicable law.
You must focus on the good times and not the bad. Otherwise you'll remain unbalanced and that is not good. I have now learned to forgive all those I had resentment for. In that form I can introduce stability in my life. My illness of anxiety is inherited on my mother side of the. It's okay, since I now realize I can beat the odds that are against me by figuring out how to ask for help. Help in support, help in moral stand point threw therapy. I realize now that I just have more reasons to be grateful but still need more help in the way of helping my wife. So today I'm going to do the best and become the rock she needs. Help by making a her promise to attend a support group central meeting. I know one will make a difference. There fore helping her make the right decision in starting our goal for a normal life. House, bank account, Driver licenced, credit cards, the whole nine yards. That is what we strive for 👍. Finally I have a proper goal. Thank God for all is getting better.
(Luxury or Illusion
I've come to a standpoint in my current position in both political and economical status in the Country of the free. Where freedom of speech and democracy where born. The land where dreams can come true. I now see how rules and regulations are not only instilled in our minds but put in place to cause us to believe such things are available to all. In reality it's mostly red tape to detour and prolong. Which is necessary step to establish the quality of living for said immigrating population arriving in there attempts to establish the American dream. Unfortunately that is not available to all. There are those who do not have the luxury of said opportunities. For few lack drive, there are few who have the drive and accomplish thier goals. Yet there are those that have been labeled outcast or disowned by their own kin. Some by their own means. Others by neglect by their unfortunate circumstances. Some can't comprehend, due to never learning to acknowledge that they are capable of doing so. Then there are those who hardly exist for they have no part of their past to identify with. No family to claim them. No country that can identify them. What good is the of the land of the free? When all is restricted. How can you be heard? When your worst fear is being spotted and becoming ostracized from a place you call home. Yet are programed to stay out of sight due to the lack of registration. Eventually those dreams will start to seem as dream in another life. Eventually it will become a taunt. As if eating in front of a starving man or dieing of thirst on a small island while watching ships sail by. Inevitably you will give it your last hoorah, if you will. Your last true attempt. I believe if you would fully surrender yourself to what ever you want to accomplish. It's not if you accomplish said goal. It's only a matter of time until you do. Whether it's a football scholarship, business proposal, or nutrition plan. It can and will become a reality. An object will always remain on said course or trajectory unless an external force is introduced as resistance to veer it of track. That is a undeniable truth. That goes for goals as well. Whether it's a goal towards bettering your position, quality of living, or simply to get identification, ect. That is all in good. Although, what if the force of resistance comes from within. As if it were an unbalanced proton within a nucleus which is enough to cause a slight wobble that would cause you to veer off track? A singularity that will cause you to constantly navigate in order to remain on course. What then. Well that is the mindset I have now. I have to navigate threw my past in order to better my future. Hope all goes well. No matter how grim it might seem. There is 2 things that will most certainly happen. No matter how hard or impossible the path set in front of you may seem. Whether it's a curvy road, a maze or a labyrinth. You can rest assured one of two things will happen. #1 You will either Triump emerging victorious on the other side. Or, #2 You simply do not emerge at all, to which your struggle will be over and you will lay at rest. So long as you know you didn't give up and gave it your all with whatever tools you had at your disposal. Whether it's academics , support, or assistance. In that matter perception. You can rest assure things will inevitably become easier. One way or another. In all honesty, there are good ideals of this country are obscured. Allot of the ways of the world are ran by darkness disguised as light. For example, the blind Lady of justice. It's a very flawed system. I've heard of true factual stories where law enforcement has had assistance by verified psychics to solve cold cases that occurred decades ago. How come you can't compose a jury of the same psychics to prevent wrongful accusation? Thus becoming the insightful lady of justice. Sounds foolish? I think not. Along with the D***head who decided to run the world on petroleum products. That is what keeps tyrants in power. Without the need of armies nor war. Justified or should I say rationalized with bureaucracy. For the events that had taken place to which put tyrants in power over the oil industry which were paved with blood of the innocent and guilty alike. To which it's quietly swept under the rug before diplomatic proceedings even took place. That seems to me to be the true definition of prime evil. Death for oil. It's a wonder no one has put a stop to it now that are huge advancements in technology. That won't be allowed. Does the Bin laden's and the Bush’s ring a bell? If I'm not mistaken, they had a long history of making profit together. Like for example oil tycoons, wealthy middle eastern sheiks, legacy in presidency, Iraq. It's obvious. In the manner it was brought to the public eye was not necessary. Very unfortunate and wrong in so many ways. Atrocities as those are simply the product of people doing things in the name of profit and not progress. Events as those would never take place should we all strive for the same goal. This world is ran by darkness disguised as light. I truly believe the truth will always come to light no matter how long it takes. No matter how few discover. It's inevitable. In the end all we want is to be is equals and become the masters of their own environment. That is what I currently strive for and I pray to God to give me the strength to Triumph over any obstacle the devil may throw my way. Both familiar and strange face alike. In order to remain vigilant on the road to righteousness in the strive of progress for all. Both stranger and loved ones alike. This a written look into my life, psyche, mind, and soul.
Today is Friday November 13, 2020 5:22 p.m. It's a cloudy murky day. A day that will not invoke inspiration, nor a good mood for that matter. A day that express despair. Yet my mood could not be more the opposite of this day. I feel as my mood might shed light on this day. I have a very optimistic mind set. I have experienced something today that I haven't felt in a long time. I got in touch with family who would love nothing more then for me to be part of the family. My auntie Hortencia. Tracked her down. Due to my tenacity I have now contact with my grandpa Ruben C***o, Hortencia Co, Jimmy B*, Gaby G******* B****. I actually made contact with my blood. I'm finally reconnecting with someone who reminds me of my self when looking at the pictures. Family to finally start to track down my lineage and start a family tree. Heck, maybe even stumble upon a family crest. Thank you God for giving me the strength to Triump over any obstacle the devil has set forth in my path, both familiar and strange face alike. In the strive to remain vigilant and remain on the road of righteousness towards progress. I feel a bit more complete. The void in my heart no longer has an bottomless pit. There may be a way of not filling that void, but to no longer acknowledge that it's there for there is nothing out of place. For all can be right. Not in the universe, but within myself.Today I stand proud for I have won another battle. Another battle in the endless War of living and breathing, even if it's just for another day. Good night, sleep well, for all is right in the universe.This is a written look into my psyche, life, mind, and soul. MIND over BODY, SOUL over MIND, HEART over ALL. Insight into Mental Illness
Medicine is a very cloudy subject to me. Not realizing the severity of my mental illness caused me to have a false sense of stability. Never realizing the necessary need for medical assistance to treating my illness at an early enough age to where I can take the helm of my own life and navigate. Yet the course set will have the promise of a few storms to encounter on the horizon. Insight Into Mental Illness
“Meds Trial and Error Phase”
Today it's Saturday December 19, 2020. It's 6:08 p.m. A chilly, windless night. Mist forming on the road of the street. Tomorrow we will rise to a very foggy morning. I've just been contemplating my next move against myself towards my worst enemy. “Me”. Grand prize being my mentality of course. “I”, as I'm myself, believe I regained trust for a cousin I had a falling out with not to long ago. All miscommunication that's all. Any who, I had already accepted him back into my circle which I keep small. So this way if I have to tidy up the circle it doesn't become much of a problem. Tonight I have come to terms in my mind to trust again. Yet my primal side begins to pull me away from that trust I'm trying to re-establish. The PTSD is behind that one. So I know it's a big breakthrough trusting again but I'm not in a mood to show it. Feel empty. So I just focus on a couple things I tell myself 1) mind over body, soul over mind, HEART OVERALL. The rain falls on the just an unjust alike. When it rains it pours and it's who you are and what you decide to harness positive or negative energy that sets you apart. So now I'm asking God to give the me the strength to triumph over any obstacle the devil May set forth in my path today, from both strange face and familiar alike. Even my own. Focused balance through Discipline equals Progress for All. God is Good False Sense of Stability (MEDS)
Insight into mental illness
“After seeking help”
I now realize that the meds that help become more stable, which is a positive step towards progress, is forcing the luxury of comfort in my mind. I can't seem to focus my time in accomplishing my goal at citizenship if I seem to be distracted by false sense of comfort. I don't strive to become like everyone else in the form of equality in opportunities. All I want to do is work on myself physically. Cardio mostly. That and declined pushups to readjust my sternum. Just so it can be equal to my shoulders. I believe that is where my area strength comes from. It's a no product of carrying hardwood boxes up flights of stairs in my youth. I'm grateful for it because muscle memory and my up upper body is important it you want be capable of carrying heavy weight for long periods of time. Unfortunately as a “be careful of what you ask for kind of way!” I wanted says stability and consistency from the meds. Is there a such thing as too much Stability? Well I can't focus on the things that bother me like reconnecting with family or friends. It is becoming incredibly difficult to become upset when I lose at something. For example Chess. When I lose, I've noticed it doesn't bother me like it used to before the meds. My competitive edge is being wore by the meds as if a corrosive chipping away until erosion is complete. If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.
Currently on anti depressant, mood stabilizers, anti consultants in order to prevent mania. I have nothing for anxiety because I somewhat can't function without it. Insight Into Mental Illness
Trial and Error
I've just come to the realization that I was born in some ways, with an advantage in comparative with your average american for the fact that I am bilingual. As a matter of fact I am constantly speaking in many languages. Whether it's a bad word or a phrase. I encourage and enjoy it very much. Not the bad words portion but for the ability to offend someone good in many different languages. Lmao, I'm having a great time with in laws. I've had a few to drink and an grateful for being accepted and allowed to be part of something. Something called family. I've found the right balance of meds. I have found closure, so thought. Most importantly, I've found the sense of family. Thanks goes to God for giving me the strength to triumph over all if not most obstacles the devil has laid forth in front of me whether it's both familiar or strange face alike. In the strive for progress for both stranger and loved one alike. As long as focused discipline only threw balances equals progress for all. In every sense of the word. Then you are on the right path. “Mind over body, Soul over Mind, Heart over All.”
Tonight is not going well. Tonight it is December 31,2020 9:41 p.m and I'm in a dark place. I have to brighten it up before the new year or it might stick. I decided to use superstitious mumbo jumbo to psych myself out into a sociable situation. I'm in a dark room, laying down about 40 lbs too heavy on a day were I feel like I way 2,000 lbs. I'm on 1000 mg Dival, 6 mg anti psychotic. As well as something to counter react the side effects. Benztro 1 mg a day. I haven't been sleeping to well so I am tired. I'm thinking wax pen an quick power nap. Oh wait, duh it's new years. I can barley hear myself think. FML. Leave it to me to find a way to stress or cause anxiety which brings a more analytical side from me. Feeling an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I've been teaching myself Trachtenberg. I was able to grasp the gist when starting in the multiplication of long numbers on 11's. Easy, peasy. Figured out long multiplication by 12's. Begining to grasp the multiplication by 6, and 7's now. How to round down to even numbers and what not. I've learned chess strategies the king's Indian on white kings side and queens gambit accepted and few declined. It's all about controlling the 4 center square. Getting it. Able to say I've always been Intelligent. I scored top of my 2003 class in the exit exams. Teacher announced it in front of everyone in the class. As a matter of fact, my wife was there. Going on 17 years strong. God how I love that woman. I can spell, type. Or should I say Swype. But only when I'm stressing about something. I use my thirst for knowledge for anything that will peak my interest. As a form of distraction.
“Sins of my Father”
My analytical comprehension has expanded to the point that it has become easily observable. For example facts. Not taught but observed by your very own eyes. I've experience a very obvious yet I become oblivious to the end result of my existence. Negative X Negative will always = Negative fact. My insertion unto this plain of existence we perceive as life on earth. Will have to same algorithm per day unless an outside force of resistance is introduced. I was conceived in a Ill manner (–). By more than likely by a cowardess farther (–). Due to sins of my biological father. Will surely have negative outcome. Therefore naturally causing a chain of unfortunate events. Lack of biological father's name on birth certificate. No moral standpoint. Sense of belonging. Kinship if you will. The more I strive for what I don't. The more I allow myself to become prey to false expectations. Only an idiot would try to rejoin a faction after being ostracized without comprehension. Why force yourself into a group towards you never accepted and shunned? That would be foolish.