What if? I always thought about the what ifs of life, the choisce s we made and didn't make. How would our life right now be different? or would it be the same? Would making either choice result in the same? or would i be with someone else, somewhere else, feel something else, something different? Would I like to feel something different than what I feel right now? As you progress further in life, you accumulate more what ifs and when you take the time to ponder on these what ifs, you really wonder. Well, at least I do anyways. I daydream about them, analyze them, how would my life be different, how would I be different? would I still have kids? Would I be happy? Better then now? or would it be worse and I am worse? All these options, alternate realities we all could have had. or maybe we did. I don't know, I'll leave that one to Einstein. So what if? What is your first What if? Mine... let me take you back to a 16 year old girl, put yourself in this headspace, or in my “past shoes” if you will. I was the oldest child of 4, with 2 parents who worked to keep a very decent roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table, and sometimes, enough for some extracurriculars like figure skating. Being the eldest, I had quite a bit of responsibility by the time I was 10. My parents were also divorced and so I lived full time with my dad, stepmother, sister, half brother and eventually a half sister. I saw my mother every second weekend. So life wasn't easy, but it wasn't bad either. I mean i have my issues today because of it, but don't we all? Are we not all affected by our childhood? By living? Granted some have it way worse, and some just have it really bad, so for me, in comparison, it wasn't bad, but still have shit to deal with. So back to my first what if? If I was given the option of “living” or maybe a movie of 3 what ifs in my life, the first one I would choose to view is the time when I was 16, back together for the second time with my highschool boyfriend since grade 10 which is not going all that great. Now I just got back together with him after I went and messed around with another guy. Ya, even at a young age I had issues with being in a monogamous relationship, or maybe it was being fully committed. But think about this, what does being fully committed to you? To me ... it's that other person knowing all of you, no secrets, being able to be your good self, your bad self, your selfish self, your really fucking horrible to anyone around you self. I didn't know this then, but hindsight .. I think it now. I can't let all of myself go, but does anyone ever really? Maybe that's why during one conversation with my husband where he said he's caged a lion ... I didn't like it. I agreed with him too, I also cage my lion, my true nature. But this is for another day, maybe. If I remember to write about this. ;) But back to my first what if. What have I said already... oh ya, I am a real shitty person because I was monogamous without knowing what being totally committed to someone was. How to communicate with this person, how to be around someone before you are even comfortable with your teenage self and all those new thoughts and emotions. So, ya, even my first “boyfriend” I wasn't sure about him or about us as an US. I look back now, and I wasn't even sure about myself yet, far from it. In a way, he was an escape from my life.
Anyways, we all know what it was like to be a teenager, that transition from beautiful, ignorant, blissfully ignorant, childhood, to this is what the fuck life is? This is what being a grown ass fucking adult is? I remember always being told as a kid, you don't want to grow up too fast, enjoy being a kid cuz life doesn't get any easier for most of us.
But back to my first what if, lol. I will get there, I promise ;) It was the summer of '69, ok no, it was like the summer of '99, but you know where I was going with that. But it was the summer that my mother – the biological who I only saw every second weekend – and her current douchebag with a dick had decided to rent and run a bar and restaurant. AND it was also in the lonely, sad, absolutely nothing going for it except still going to church on sundays for excitement, little country town I grew up in. So, one night I was to have the visitation with her, it was on a weekend and she had to run the bar, I was more than happy to go because I was 16, bored and it was different. So that night, a group of old-ish ( like 21 to 30, too old for me anyways although I did look – insert smirky, naughty smile here ) and youngish (they were still in highschool and in my “boyfriends” grade – so old enough for me and... insert smirky, naughty smile here – guys/boys decided to come into the bar for a drink (those who were legal) and play some pool after their baseball game. So, I knew a few of the boys who were there cuz I went to school with them and most of them were in my boyfriends grade (FYI – my B.F. was 3 years older than me at the time) Anyways, so we played some pool – my “step-sister” was with us too, but her part in this whole scenario when I replay it is negligible, but you know, this whole situation would not have happened if my mother had not decided on the current douchebag with a dick so I have to mention her. When they decided to leave for a swim, my step-sister and I were allowed to go with them. Not sure where or with who she ended up with – I wasn't really concerned because she kept on stealing from me – and I ended up with Clint. We were in the water and we kissed, it reminded me of DIRTY DANCING ... without the lift. The stuff worthy of harlequin romance novels and pretty much everyone's juvenile fantasy. So ya Clint, my first what if. Later that night, he drove me home, gave me his number, told me he really liked me and he knew I had a b.f. (they knew each other – small town) but I had his number and the ball was in my court. What If I had decided to break it off with my b.f. or just even call Clint and hang out. Compared to my b.f. – he was someone you wanted to bring home to your parents. He had his own car, he had a job, knew what he was doing after high school. He had ambition. Something my b.f. did not. When I said I was moving to another city to go to college and if he wanted to come with he would have to get his highschool diploma and enroll in college himself if he was coming with me. I helped him finish high school, helped him figure out college, helped him find a job so we could live together and support ourselves + he never had a job before this. Two months after we moved in, I realized he wasn't for me, broke up with him, broke his heart and moved out and on with the rest of my life. So what if I had decided on Clint instead? Where would my life be now?