girlonthedock

What if? I always thought about the what ifs of life, the choisce s we made and didn't make. How would our life right now be different? or would it be the same? Would making either choice result in the same? or would i be with someone else, somewhere else, feel something else, something different? Would I like to feel something different than what I feel right now? As you progress further in life, you accumulate more what ifs and when you take the time to ponder on these what ifs, you really wonder. Well, at least I do anyways. I daydream about them, analyze them, how would my life be different, how would I be different? would I still have kids? Would I be happy? Better then now? or would it be worse and I am worse? All these options, alternate realities we all could have had. or maybe we did. I don't know, I'll leave that one to Einstein. So what if? What is your first What if? Mine... let me take you back to a 16 year old girl, put yourself in this headspace, or in my “past shoes” if you will. I was the oldest child of 4, with 2 parents who worked to keep a very decent roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table, and sometimes, enough for some extracurriculars like figure skating. Being the eldest, I had quite a bit of responsibility by the time I was 10. My parents were also divorced and so I lived full time with my dad, stepmother, sister, half brother and eventually a half sister. I saw my mother every second weekend. So life wasn't easy, but it wasn't bad either. I mean i have my issues today because of it, but don't we all? Are we not all affected by our childhood? By living? Granted some have it way worse, and some just have it really bad, so for me, in comparison, it wasn't bad, but still have shit to deal with. So back to my first what if? If I was given the option of “living” or maybe a movie of 3 what ifs in my life, the first one I would choose to view is the time when I was 16, back together for the second time with my highschool boyfriend since grade 10 which is not going all that great. Now I just got back together with him after I went and messed around with another guy. Ya, even at a young age I had issues with being in a monogamous relationship, or maybe it was being fully committed. But think about this, what does being fully committed to you? To me ... it's that other person knowing all of you, no secrets, being able to be your good self, your bad self, your selfish self, your really fucking horrible to anyone around you self. I didn't know this then, but hindsight .. I think it now. I can't let all of myself go, but does anyone ever really? Maybe that's why during one conversation with my husband where he said he's caged a lion ... I didn't like it. I agreed with him too, I also cage my lion, my true nature. But this is for another day, maybe. If I remember to write about this. ;) But back to my first what if. What have I said already... oh ya, I am a real shitty person because I was monogamous without knowing what being totally committed to someone was. How to communicate with this person, how to be around someone before you are even comfortable with your teenage self and all those new thoughts and emotions. So, ya, even my first “boyfriend” I wasn't sure about him or about us as an US. I look back now, and I wasn't even sure about myself yet, far from it. In a way, he was an escape from my life.

Anyways, we all know what it was like to be a teenager, that transition from beautiful, ignorant, blissfully ignorant, childhood, to this is what the fuck life is? This is what being a grown ass fucking adult is? I remember always being told as a kid, you don't want to grow up too fast, enjoy being a kid cuz life doesn't get any easier for most of us.

But back to my first what if, lol. I will get there, I promise ;) It was the summer of '69, ok no, it was like the summer of '99, but you know where I was going with that. But it was the summer that my mother – the biological who I only saw every second weekend – and her current douchebag with a dick had decided to rent and run a bar and restaurant. AND it was also in the lonely, sad, absolutely nothing going for it except still going to church on sundays for excitement, little country town I grew up in. So, one night I was to have the visitation with her, it was on a weekend and she had to run the bar, I was more than happy to go because I was 16, bored and it was different. So that night, a group of old-ish ( like 21 to 30, too old for me anyways although I did look – insert smirky, naughty smile here ) and youngish (they were still in highschool and in my “boyfriends” grade – so old enough for me and... insert smirky, naughty smile here – guys/boys decided to come into the bar for a drink (those who were legal) and play some pool after their baseball game. So, I knew a few of the boys who were there cuz I went to school with them and most of them were in my boyfriends grade (FYI – my B.F. was 3 years older than me at the time) Anyways, so we played some pool – my “step-sister” was with us too, but her part in this whole scenario when I replay it is negligible, but you know, this whole situation would not have happened if my mother had not decided on the current douchebag with a dick so I have to mention her. When they decided to leave for a swim, my step-sister and I were allowed to go with them. Not sure where or with who she ended up with – I wasn't really concerned because she kept on stealing from me – and I ended up with Clint. We were in the water and we kissed, it reminded me of DIRTY DANCING ... without the lift. The stuff worthy of harlequin romance novels and pretty much everyone's juvenile fantasy. So ya Clint, my first what if. Later that night, he drove me home, gave me his number, told me he really liked me and he knew I had a b.f. (they knew each other – small town) but I had his number and the ball was in my court. What If I had decided to break it off with my b.f. or just even call Clint and hang out. Compared to my b.f. – he was someone you wanted to bring home to your parents. He had his own car, he had a job, knew what he was doing after high school. He had ambition. Something my b.f. did not. When I said I was moving to another city to go to college and if he wanted to come with he would have to get his highschool diploma and enroll in college himself if he was coming with me. I helped him finish high school, helped him figure out college, helped him find a job so we could live together and support ourselves + he never had a job before this. Two months after we moved in, I realized he wasn't for me, broke up with him, broke his heart and moved out and on with the rest of my life. So what if I had decided on Clint instead? Where would my life be now?

I Used To Be

I used to be in love I used to be happy I used to be content with my life I had found pleasure in small things I had purpose I had meaning I used to know who I was I used to know what I wanted for my future I used to love myself I used to love who I was to the people in my life Now I feel nothing but pain I feel nothing but sadness I feel, but I don't like What I am feeling right now It's too much There used to be balance in my life What if I used to be? Then what...

Confessions It's been awhile since I have been able to write here, I guess I did not need it as much which is a good sign. I am still not out of troubled waters though, but more people know about my situation. My husband now knows as well how unhappy I am and that I had an encounter. He has reacted really well actually. I know he is hurt and upset, but not just by that but because I don't know if I want to be with him or not. If he can make me happy. I want him to, he did before, so where did we lose this? He has been so good for me, has helped me through so much in my life, has helped me grow to be a better person, but I don't want him anymore in a physical way. When we have sex, it feels good, ok-ish, but I don't get like I used to with him when we were first together. Bored I guess. We could go a year without being intimate with each other. Maybe that's why I look elsewhere? I know I don't feel attractive to him anymore. I feel like I was this vessel who carried his children and I know he loves me and respects me for this, but I don't feel like a separate person than this for him. I miss that feeling of meeting new people too. The unknown, unfamiliarity, exploring and doing old things with a new person and it makes it feel new. Can one person ever be this for me for the rest of our lives? This is such a hard decision to make because I want both outcomes I feel equally, but which one do I really want? I want to stay in the life my husband and I built because we do have a great life, we really do. He is my best friend right now (well doesn't feel like it right now, but I did feel this way before) has helped me with a lot of things, there are things we do enjoy together. But then I am also bored with him if that makes sense. But I also really like our life too. And then I see me alone, no one else to worry about (except my kids, that will never go away. I will always be a mother and they will always be and take part of me) only myself to decide what to do, what to eat, when to eat, where to go, what to do. I have never in my life lived alone. I know I can support myself, and part of me regrets never trying to be by myself. I always lived with family or room mates or partners, never ever on my own. And I worry If I make the wrong decision? What if I stay and then realize oh shit, ya, i really don't want this. Am I giving false hope then only to break hearts again. What if I do leave, and miss him and want him back and then its too late? What if one of these is the right decision? I don't know how to decide for myself. I know deciding to leave is the hardest decision to make and I am probably blocking myself. I need to work past those feelings of guilt and hurting others to make this decision truly for me, and what will be best for me, because If its best for me and I am happy, then those around will be able to take on this positive energy I put forward. Right now going through my head is something my husband said to me. In all his relationships he was either cheated on or not enough and wanted to know what's wrong with him. That just put another arrow through my heart because the woman he wants and loves just basically told him both of those things and it hurts me so bad to hear him say this. He needs to understand he is enough for himself and that is all that matters, you can't control anyone else's feelings, emotions, reactions, only your own, so make it enough for you. I have been reading this book and I came across something yesterday that has really resonated with me: Sometimes we have to leave what we know to find out what we know

So What's next? I can honestly tell you at this point that I don't know the answer. So if your expecting an answer, you will be disappointed when you read this – maybe – I leave that up to you to decide. Here is what I do know. I definitely was not deep down happy and satisfied with my relationship with my husband. I have known this for a long time actually, but have always suppressed it and convinced myself I was. I mean, he's really a great person. A wonderful father, very supportive, smart, great provider. I can't complain really. But I have known for awhile that my feelings for him are just not the same anymore. I never gave myself fully to him ever, if that makes sense. I always had to keep a part of myself hidden from him. He has these expectations of his partner that I indulge for him because its easier. For example, If I wanted to go to a beach and lie in the sun with my top off, he would not “let” me because no one else but him should see that part of me. Its this part of a monogamous relationship that I don't like. The impositions and expectations that your partner has of you. The possession. I have realized I don't want to be possessed by anyone but myself. I only want to answer to myself and if your in my life, well you will either love this about me or hate it. Maybe you tolerate it because you love me enough that it's me being me and you understand that. This is what I want So why do I stay? The children mostly and because I am so damn scared of hurting everyone. If I tell him I don't want this life with him anymore, I am breaking so many hearts. Him, my children ( My parents are divorced but I was young, but I do remember my dad crying and hurting). His parents, my parents, so many people I would hurt to be selfish for myself. So I constantly argue with myself – Do I hurt the many or just myself? I mean I have been choosing everyone else over me my whole life practically. That's been my go to response. Take the hurt on yourself, no confrontation, be what they expect and it's easier this way. I convince myself that my life really isn't that bad and suppress that part of myself again and again. So, at this moment, I don't know what I want to do. Stay? or be selfish and do what I really, really want. But do I even know what I really really want? I do know, I don't want my life to be the way it was before Irish. I truly believe that is why the encounter happened. To shake me out of my false truth of what I had built of my life prior to Irish. To open my eyes to the fact that the house I have built is not solid, but made of straw and is not as secure and strong as I had led myself to believe. I do know, I need to work on myself. Do more for myself. Learn to love myself. Discover who I am and what I want to make me happy. Do I have the courage to go down this road of discovery and accept that I may and will hurt people along the way? I don't know. One day at a time right now. Plus, I am waiting to talk to my therapist before I make any huge decisions ;)

Irish This one is for you cuz I need to try and purge you out of my head although I suspect it won't be that easy. So damn you. Damn you for coming into my life the way you did. Damn life, karma, fate whatever it is for throwing you in my path. Damn whatever the fuck you want to call it that made me want this encounter so bad I literally dreamed it before it happened. I have fantasized about it for years. (Although the dock was never a location that came up as an option, but the reality of it was a nice surprise) It's been a week now and as I write this I am back at my summer place, where we met. Where it happened. Where everywhere I look I am reminded of what we did. Of you. Its bittersweet. I haven't been back since then (I know it's only been a week lol) but, I had to get away somewhere by myself. This week has been hard for me. I wonder how its been for you? I have so many questions I want to ask you!! I ask alot of questions, if you didn't realize this about me, but I think you did ;) I am curious to know how it was for you going back? Back to your “normal” life? Back to your routine, your familiar space and people. Your girlfriend? Is it hard for you? Do you have to pretend to be the same person you were before we met? Do you regret it yet? Or maybe you don't think of it at all, and I was just another conquest. Maybe you lied to me and you were pretending with me? (I really hope this is not what is happening because... how soul crushing and demoralizing that would be) I am trying not to be cynical about it or let that self doubt creep in, although it has. This whole experience has come knocking on my door like I was one of the 3 little pigs and it has blown my house down. The walls I had built up around myself are in disarray and crumbled all around me. I look around trying to figure out where do I even start to put it back together. Do I want it to be the way it was before? Rebuild it but a little bit different? Or start over? I just don't know the answer to this yet. Although I know it can't go back to what it ever was before. I have to believe though that what you said was true and how you felt was real. Otherwise, why put myself through this if to you it meant nothing. If I was just an easy target. Again, here I go with my negativity. I have to work on this, and you know, this experience has made me realize that. I have realized a few things actually about myself and my life as I know it. More on this later (I feel like my “more on this later list” is getting bigger and bigger – I have a lot of baggage, fuck). I have truly believed, since my early 20's, that people come into your life for a reason, ever since I read The Celestine Prophecy (dealing with some issues then as well, that's life though, you have to deal and grow). Funny enough – well maybe funny to me and not you – the guy who told me to read it is someone I worked with whom I also happen to have had some encounters and experiences with if you get my drift. This guy I will never forget either. Seems to me there a few males in my life who haven't left me. I feel this is another area I might need to dive into ... later. ;)

Back to my belief that you have experiences and relationships with people for a reason. I do remember this was one topic we talked about. Well, I recall bringing it up but I don't remember what you said – I feel like I don't know what you said the entire time because I keep going back and forth thinking he didn't really say that, he couldn't have, why would he. This isn't real. I try to convince myself it's not real, to suppress it. I don't want to deal with the emotions and the feelings, the guilt and shame of destroying more than just my life. Do you feel this way too?

Do you ever wonder if we will meet again? Would you like to see me again? I want to see you again. I run through scenarios and how I would react with each one (I told you I was an analyzer/overthinker.) I want to see you again for many reasons. I want to know if the connection and what we felt, did it sustain the time that has lapsed since I walked out of your life that night. Does meeting after tasting that forbidden fruit, still taste and feel like the forbidden (guess it depends on the circumstances cuz if we were both uncommitted, no worries then ) I think about what we didn't do and what I so badly want to do to you still. With you. But is it you I want or the fantasy? Maybe one day Irish we will meet again. I know you had mentioned it. Maybe in 5 years. Maybe never. It's out of my hands. I leave it to the forces that be, whatever they are to me, to decide.

The Aftermath Well, now the story is out. I can now add cheater and sinner to my life resume. I am in emotional turmoil. This has changed my life and how I view everything. What goes up must come down and as soon as I went back to reality and this roller coaster we call life started its descent, I never imagined it would be like this. I am an overthinker, an analyzer. I run through scenarios all of the time, good, bad, crazy, really fuckin crazy sometimes too. Like I had mentioned before I had thought about cheating before and how it would be when I went back to my husband (I have a hard time saying this, I don't know why because he is that, I married him after all). Am I good enough to conceal this? Can I go back to normal? What I was before? What him and I were before? Back to our comfortable and safe routines of life and family and work and responsibilities of being parents, monogamous to each other? Being what we have been brainwashed to be as far as the “norm” of family, relationships, what you should do with your life. You know, get married, have kids, maintain a home together. Ugh – I say this and I want to vomit because this feels so wrong to me, this concept of what you should be doing according to everyone else, but maybe with a different person it could be different? I don't know. All I know is I have always been one to push the boundaries, didn't like rules very much, never liked having to conform. So, can you go back to who you were before you did something like this? After such a betrayal? I can tell you, the answer is NO. Maybe if what happened was just sex and there wasn't so much more to it, maybe? But that is not the situation I am dealing with now. Maybe for others they can, but for myself, I am not the same. So, I went back to the place I have been calling home for the past 8 years, back to the person who has been my “life” partner for the better part of 17 years. Back to being the person I was before I met Irish. It has been hard. I am now a pretender. I pretend to be who I was before while I conceal from my husband and kids that I am no longer who they knew me as before July 3. I know Irish, we agreed no regrets? Do I regret, yes. I regret that I have been forced to face the fact that even though I pretend now, I was also pretending before we met. I had convinced myself I was happy, content. I have two beautiful children, whom I will never, ever regret, I have a lovely home, great friends and family who love me and a man I call husband and the father of our children who I know loves me and supports me. But I pretended. I suppressed a part of myself. I played this role that everyone wants me to be, but I was never ever my true self. Always doing what was expected of me. Pleasing everyone else. Now I sit on the fence, I see on one side, my past and for now, my present and I see on the other side what an alternate life could be. Now I need to decide, when I come down off this fence, which side I am moving forward with?

I am Eve Another day has passed and I still have so much going on in my head. Why does life have to be so damn complicated. Emotions and feelings, love and pain, responsibilities, conformity, pretending – so much. Well, I made the decision to go to you, take this further, point of no return. I knew it was wrong, but the pull was so strong to explore this more. We left my summer place and went to the dock. I needed a somewhat neutral space for what we were engaging in. Plus this was always a fantasy of mine. I mean, what girl does not fantasize about being on a dock in the middle of the night with a handsome stranger?? Well, most probably envision someone they know, a crush, a partner (BF or GF, or whatever – trying to be inclusive :) ) So, we ended up on the dock, we talked more, we kissed, we did other things. At the time, it all felt fantastic. I took the forbidden fruit and tasted it. I am Eve in the garden of eden. The high of this whole experience, the emotions and feelings I experienced was something on a whole other level. I mean the forbidden adds to it, maybe it heightens everything but there was also the mystery of not knowing each other, but also knowing each other. We had a level of comfort with each other as if we had known each other before and weren't exactly strangers. I just want to call out something here that I did mention earlier. There was some marijuana that was imbibed and alcohol also. At this point, that was 4 hours past, so I can say I was not inebriated, but I am sure there was some residual effects of both of this. I can't comment on what Irish had in him, I know he was drinking and had smoked, but he did not act or seem overly intoxicated. I am saying all of this because I know these can lower inhibitions and make you do things out of character, and I have been there before, stupidly drunk and high, but this night I was not. I asked you, Irish, about monogamy and your thoughts on it ... I know I am not sure if I believe in it or not, but this has definitely made me question my current relationship and myself. More on this later. Neither of us had ever done this before. This was new for both of us. I have been thinking of this for a long time though. Meeting a stranger who I just cannot resist. It is one of my fantasies I have been thinking of for about half of my current relationship. I have even told a few people if it weren't for us having kids, we probably would not be together. So now I have been thinking about this alot. What does this all mean for me? If I have been saying this and basically emotionally cheating, now full out cheated, looking at others and wondering what it would be like to be with them, am I happy with my current relationship. The answer is NO, I am not happy with my current relationship. This I have known for a long time, but just ignored it because it was easier. I will get into this more because I am still processing this part within myself. So, Irish and I parted ways and went to bed, separately. I dozed, did not really sleep as I was going over what just happened. Still riding that emotional high. I tasted that forbidden fruit and at the time it was so amazing. So I understand Eve and what she went through, for I am now Eve in a way too. Life is complicated, people are complicated, relationships are complicated. Do I regret this though? Taking that forbidden fruit and tasting it? I am not sure. I do regret it and I also don't. Irish came into my life for a reason, there is a lesson here for me, something I need to figure out because apparently, the fates, karma, life, whatever it is didn't want me continuing life the way I had been. So, I am Eve and I am changed. Everything has changed now.

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