gnoselph

Meditations

  • Transitioning
    • Most of January (and December) has been occupied by moving and downsizing. This year is important for us for multiple reasons. At the top of the list is transitioning into being and presenting as nonbinary. As someone who was born a cis white male, lived his life as a gay male since he was 18 years old, and is now 61 years old, it almost feels like a lie to say transitioning into nonbinary is a transition into who I’ve always been. I also feel like I’m betraying my gay pride. Eh, I am 61, we need to get over ourselves!
  • A photo journey
    • The pictures below share the journey of indoctrination into being what biology and society wanted me to be. An indoctrination we accepted, except for the being gay part, because nonbinary was not an option nor had it even arisen in the collective consciousness that we were aware of.

1962, 6 months old

1 year old

2 years old

Senior year, 1980, 18 years old

Ditto

1981, out of the closet and getting baked

1991 Provincetown, 29 years old

2001, 39 years old, New Orleans

2014, Gatlinburg Regional Bridge Tournament, 52 years old, still pretending to be a boy

I have always wanted to be an academic, still do. After PTSD therapies made breakthroughs and I became contemplative, at 54 years old, I attempted to go back to college. I am still struggling to take classes. I cannot handle classes full-time, but I try to take a couple of classes every semester. At 61 now, I probably am a junior. 2016

Ready to transition to nonbinary.

  • Disability and diagnoses
    • So let’s begin with the admittedly confusing habit of sometimes speaking of myself as I and sometimes we. We are diagnosed with multiple psychiatric disorders. We’ve been on SSDI since the early ’90s. Shortly after the 1991 Provincetown picture, we were institutionalized for several years. Our primary diagnosis is complex PTSD/dissociative disorder. I divulge this for multiple reasons, but primarily, while we were groomed to be a single self, we know now we never were, at least as far back as we can remember. Maybe we were not born dissociative, trauma did that, but as explained below, we believe everyone has multiple selves and the belief we are a singular self is the delusion.
  • Ourselves
    • In most of our journaling and various writings, we used we for the singular self I. But, when engaged with others we followed our conditioning and used I when expressing ourselves. We did this unconsciously. We never even wondered why we used we in our private writing yet used I when speaking with others. It is only in the last five or so years that we began hearing others use they/them pronouns, not grasping at first that they were a reference to nonbinaries, did the awareness of our disparity of self-referencing come to light. The mind is brilliant, self-deceptive, and interesting.
  • Reasons for self-divulgence
    • A glimpse of our philosophical beliefs regarding the self, philosophy, world, and society
    • Part of our philosophical beliefs, which is where all this is going, is that no one is really a singular self. We believe this to be on multiple levels, but certainly from a biological and psychological perspective.
    • Ethos
    • Another reason is simply ethos. While our beliefs are thus far consistent from our perspective, at this point in time I have no evidence to provide. We believe there is evidence, we just have not focused on the academic references for the hypotheses of the universality of multiple selves. We and the psychiatric world have questioned our perceptions, identity, and reality. In this, we can be labeled an unreliable author(s).
    • Reliable unreliable author(s)
    • That said, from our perspective, those who claim to be singular, and from society’s perspective, reliable, are the most unreliable. Indeed, the singular perception of self, we would argue, is at the root of much of the conflicts of the world, from a global perspective, down to the level of communication with others, and in understanding one’s self. (Some examples would be great here, but because of my anxiety and the sake of brevity, we hope to circle back to this later.)
  • Nonbinary or dissociated selves?
    • After we started terrifyingly using we sometimes instead of I, we also became aware of the real reason some people preferred the third person plural rather than the gendered third person singular. Only then did we realize further, while we were born white cis male and gay, we never fully identified with either male or female. For us, all presntation was drag. Not that we did drag (we love drag! So please, no haters.), but for us, dressing and acting male was as much drag as if we were dressing and acting female. The words of RuPaul became Truth for us.

We’re all born naked and the rest is drag!

There you have an abbreviated I/We-Nonbinary story and pictures to grasp the transition of Eph (short for Ephemeral Gnoselph Prat our name we hope to legalize as one of our 2023 resolutions) from white cis male to nonbinary queer.

We’ll share the solitary part tomorrow.

#I #we #solitary #nonbinary #complexPTSD #dissociative #DID #RuPaul

  • In the cycle of life within this ecosphere, all creatures need to consume what is alive or what was once living, to survive.
  • All creatures encroach upon other living things to live out their lives, in this cycle of life within this ecosphere.
  • All creatures are slaves to the cycle of life if they exist in this cycle of life within this ecosphere.
  • Humans consume more of what is alive or was living and they encroach more upon the freedom of all other species than any other species in this cycle of life within this ecosphere.
  • Humans are consuming and/or displacing all other forms of living things in this cycle of life within this ecosphere.
  • Some will argue this is the natural order of things.
    • They will argue that we are products of our evolution, and we are what evolution made us.
  • Pshaw!
  • Humans are the only creatures capable of not being slaves to their evolution.
  • Humans can create the food and nutrients they need in labs.
  • Humans do not need cattle or farms.
  • Humans can create cities in the sky (near orbit).
  • Humans can free all living things from humans.
  • When will we grow up and free the earth?

Learn at first concentration without effort; transform work into play; …– Anonymous (Valentin Tomberg) Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey into Christian Hermeticism

  • talking about that the goal of the experience is to experience “the joy that can arise in the moment that makes all things become effortless.”
  • Here we will need to speak a little more about ourselves, set a new signal to identify ourselves, and speak some about feelings and emotions.
  • March 17 is a peculiar anniversary for us. It is the first time we have had a suicide attempt and according to those who resuscitated us, we weren’t breathing and had no pulse. We were in our late 20’s then (the late 80’s) and haven’t had such urges for several decades. Our journey from that point was a series of institutions where we believe we eventually received our most accurate diagnosis of complex (childhood) post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociative disorder, and anxiety driven depressive disorder.
  • For a long time, we struggled with our identity until we accepted that we were multiple identities and finally found some sort of federacy (although in the beginning it was a fragile confederacy) to become a functioning human being.
  • Thus, we usually refer to us as, tahdah!, we. From here on out though, to identify when we are speaking of the personal, we, we will be capitalized, We. When we refer to the common, we, (which we are sensitive to limit so as not to should on the collective we), it will be as usual, we.
  • Apologetically, when it is more accurate, We may even use I. The I is reserved for past selves before we became federated. This is times when various egos predominated and even fully dominated our other selves.
  • Okay, what We have perceived and learned through our decades of struggles is that most of what others perceive in Us (We) as disorders, is often nothing more than exaggerated distinctions that we all really share.
  • A wonderful example of what I am trying to say is the Pixar movie Inside Out. Hardly a usual movie We would watch (or recommend), but We had a therapist who insisted, and while, critically, it has its failures, therapeutically, it is spot on, remembering only that there is a spectrum and we all fall somewhere differently, no matter how close and majority some points may be.
  • So, let’s talk about emotions and feelings.
  • There is a biased saying about women that is wrong on many levels but that can be more appropriately applied our feelings and emotions, “You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.”
  • Like all things, the opinions will range from left to right. How a person chooses to engage with their feelings is their own business. We only hope to help others understand in a way that can help them choose wisely.
  • For example,
  • Most would agree that liberty and equality are admiral goals for society. But when it comes to our offspring, we really want more of what’s best for our offspring even if at the expense of others. Throw life and death into the mix, and all ideals of liberty for all quickly goes out the window.
  • As moral antirealists, We don’t judge such truths. Both perspectives are valid depending on context, perspectives, feelings, and projected justification.
  • The reason we can say We don’t moralize either way is because as much as we as a society may agree on acceptable behaviors, what drives us as a society and individually are the evolutionary drives that allowed us to ascend the evolutionary pyramid. We didn’t ascend evolution harmoniously and now, even amongst our peers, our beliefs and feelings can be divergent.
  • What this means is that an emotion or feeling of joy came into existence for a reason, and most often, it arises for purely natural reasons regarding survival and reproduction, not rational or logical reasons.
  • Let’s talk about extreme joy, or ecstasy. This is most known as an accompaniment to sex. Would we choose to get all sweaty and mix bodily fluids if there was no ecstasy? We don’t think so. From an objective perspective, sex could even be said to be disgusting (hello Puritans). But as our genes demand to be reproduced, our genes needed something to make us do the dirty.
  • The point is, nonjudgmentally, our emotions are functions, they have a purpose designed by evolution and nature. Remember, evolution and nature are irrational and illogical. Thus, our emotion’s purpose is not always (some would say never, even when beneficial) rational or logical. And in fact, extreme emotions can rob us of our rational capabilities.
  • Feels are volatile and dangerous. But also, would life be worth living without them? They can be said to be a catch 22. Can’t live with them and can’t live without them.
  • Clearly an ideal would be an Aristotelian means. As anarchists though, no means should be right or wrong and certainly not made into laws. We are all free to determine our own means, even unto disaster. The only thing We want to do, as already said, is help in educating others so they can discover the means that is most useful for every individual’s personal thriving.
  • Our emotions and feelings are less ours than they are our programmers, our genes. But as sapient beings, we can affect our emotions and feelings, where other organisms cannot. We are aware of our evolution, and that knowledge gives us “some” power over who we are and want to be. All things natural are not good and some unnatural things can be better than what is natural.
  • We seek a world where everyone is free to be, feel, and do, whatever brings them joy (without desiring to harm or exploit). But we don’t seem able to allow others to be, feel, and do, whatever they want because we are threatened by those who are different. This isn’t rational, but, the scary thing is, it is natural.
  • Everybody’s Free by Rozalla feat. David Anthony on piano

Learn at first concentration; transform work into play; make every yoke you accept easy; and every burden you carry light! – Anonymous (Valentin Tomberg) Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey into Christian Hermeticism

  • Our goal in these personal meditations is to share the influence these words and others have had on our life and how to best implement them into a truly free and equal existence.
  • We are atheists and anarchists (Libertarian Socialism comes close to our political and social vision). But we have been influenced by many deistic and theistic writings, never wanting to throw the baby out with the bathwater, nor indulge in black and white fanatical thinking.
  • We are not aware of anywhere the words of the first two lines of the quote above are written. The words of third and fourth lines are echoed in Mark 11:30, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
  • Tomberg spends several pages describing these words and you can get a detailed synopsis here The Magician.
  • The first line is the most elusive to practice. We find a simple Daoist meditation on the present and passing moment the simplest. Become aware of the moment as it comes into being and passes away (Gospel of Thomas, saying 42). This is also the nature of Daoist influence on Zen and other forms of Buddhism and ephemeral spiritual beliefs.
  • But we need not spiritualize such truth, we can simply accept it as it is. Although, the tendency to spiritualize is natural, evolutions way of helping (tricking) us into living, and reproducing. If we weren’t capable of primitively making sense, fantasize, of such existential truth, early sentience would most likely have been impossible as early organism would have been too terrified and crippled into inaction, unable to see past the ever-present existential dangers to gather and hunt, let alone reproduce. It was necessary for evolution to pull the wool over our eyes to get us to do its business of consuming and reproducing.
  • Ok, a bit of sideline there, but it is a deep understanding that is important to process the path to personal thriving.
  • This is because for many, to simply sit and become aware of the ever-evolving moment can be anxiety provoking (to cease movement, to cease work, goes against our programming). So, to concentrate with ease, is way more difficult to do than say, for many.
  • But the second line gives us a clue, “transform work into play.”
  • The overarching goal of the first two lines is to become aware of the ever-slipping moment and experience joy. To do so intentionally is, at least at first, work. Yet, all of us have experienced this eternal moment at some point in our lives, through sex, music, dancing, singing, nature, playing, sports, and many other moments of sublimity.
  • We, humans, are unlike any other creatures in that we first come into the world completely passive, with our only ability being perception. Even the other apes, are born to cling, whereas human children must be carried by their caregivers or some invention to carry them. They are unable to cling effectively to their caregiver as the caregiver goes about its business of surviving and providing. We perceive first whereas other animals are able to “do” at the beginning. Not that they don’t perceive, but at the very least, then can perceive and do.
  • This beginning, whereas all is achieved by perception, everything else is done for us, magically. This has profound implications on our drive to be entertained. We learn by being entertained. This is natural, and neither good nor bad, it just is. But to exceed our programming, if one desires to do so, one must be aware of our natural truth.
  • Likewise, we can experience the infinite now (Tolle, Eckhart; The Power of Now) simply by being entertained. One trick is, while one attempts to work at experiencing this now, is to use music, meditation tapes, exercise, sex, or any other method one finds useful, to help one become aware of the river of time.
  • There is no one size fits all recipe to achieve the deceptively simple task of concentration without effort. Play, experiment, be adventurous. All you want to do now is overcome any hurdles of anxiety or stress about doing nothing but focusing on the moment. And do not make it work like so many fanatics would have you believe.
  • The goal is to experience the joy that can arise in the moment that makes all things become effortless (Csikszentimihalyi, Mihaly; Flow). At some point, like when it happens dancing, or whatever, this will emerge as joy. A song we like (among many) is “Let the Joy Rise,” by Abigail.
  • En-joy
Read more...

Learn at first concentration without effort; transform work into play; make every yoke you accept easy; and every burden you carry light! – Anonymous (Valentin Tomberg) Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey into Christian Hermeticism

  • Our goal in these personal meditations is to share the influence these words and others have had on our life and how to best implement them into a truly free and equal existence.
  • We are atheists and anarchists (Libertarian Socialism comes close to our political and social vision). But we have been influenced by many deistic and theistic writings, never wanting to throw the baby out with the bathwater, nor indulge in black and white fanatical thinking.
  • We are not aware of anywhere the words of the first two lines of the quote above are written. The words of third and fourth lines are echoed in Mark 11:30, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
  • Tomberg spends several pages describing these words and you can get a detailed synopsis here The Magician.
  • The first line is the most elusive to practice. We find a simple Daoist meditation on the present and passing moment the simplest. Become aware of the moment as it comes into being and passes away (Gospel of Thomas, saying 42). This is also the nature of Daoist influence on Zen and other forms of Buddhism and ephemeral spiritual beliefs.
  • But we need not spiritualize such truth, we can simply accept it as it is. Although, the tendency to spiritualize is natural, evolutions way of helping (tricking) us into living, and reproducing. If we weren’t capable of primitively making sense, fantasize, of such existential truth, early sentience would most likely have been impossible as early organism would have been too terrified and crippled into inaction, unable to see past the ever-present existential dangers to gather and hunt, let alone reproduce. It was necessary for evolution to pull the wool over our eyes to get us to do its business of consuming and reproducing.
  • Ok, a bit of sideline there, but it is a deep understanding that is important to process the path to personal thriving.
  • This is because for many, to simply sit and become aware of the ever-evolving moment can be anxiety provoking (to cease movement, to cease work, goes against our programming). So, to concentrate with ease, is way more difficult to do than say, for many.
  • But the second line gives us a clue, “transform work into play.”
  • The overarching goal of the first two lines is to become aware of the ever-slipping moment and experience joy. To do so intentionally is, at least at first, work. Yet, all of us have experienced this eternal moment at some point in our lives, through sex, music, dancing, singing, nature, playing, sports, and many other moments of sublimity.
  • We, humans, are unlike any other creatures in that we first come into the world completely passive, with our only ability being perception. Even the other apes, are born to cling, whereas human children must be carried by their caregivers or some invention to carry them. They are unable to cling effectively to their caregiver as the caregiver goes about its business of surviving and providing. We perceive first whereas other animals are able to “do” at the beginning. Not that they don’t perceive, but at the very least, then can perceive and do.
  • This beginning, whereas all is achieved by perception, everything else is done for us, magically. This has profound implications on our drive to be entertained. We learn by being entertained. This is natural, and neither good nor bad, it just is. But to exceed our programming, if one desires to do so, one must be aware of our natural truth.
  • Likewise, we can experience the infinite now (Tolle, Eckhart; The Power of Now) simply by being entertained. One trick is, while one attempts to work at experiencing this now, is to use music, meditation tapes, exercise, sex, or any other method one finds useful, to help one become aware of the river of time.
  • There is no one size fits all recipe to achieve the deceptively simple task of concentration without effort. Play, experiment, be adventurous. All you want to do now is overcome any hurdles of anxiety or stress about doing nothing but focusing on the moment. And do not make it work like so many fanatics would have you believe.
  • The goal is to experience the joy that can arise in the moment that makes all things become effortless (Csikszentimihalyi, Mihaly; Flow). At some point, like when it happens dancing, or whatever, this will emerge as joy. A song we like (among many) is “Let the Joy Rise,” by Abigail.
  • En-joy
Read more...

In order to save the planet, we H. sapiens, must leave the earth, our Mother and place of birth. Some though, will stay behind if they are so called. It is suggested we let those who are called to be servants of Mother Earth remain behind to humbly steward, protect and help nurture our Mother back to a state of pristine nature as possible. They will become the anarchy of the “Meek.”

The Meek will live in a manner subservient to our mother, a calling most difficult for the anarchist mind. To be a Meek is a calling that requires great sacrifice and humility. To be a Meek is to sacrifice all selfishness for the sake of the planet.

Many primitives, indigenous, and other earth based anarchists may be called to be Meek. Many will not, as they have not evolved enough to sacrifice authority to the Mother.

The children of the Meek will abide by the calling and sacrifices of the Meek unless request is made for them to be raised in space, within another anarchy of the plurality. All children of the Meek will decide, when they come of age, if they are called to remain a Meek, or to join one of the other space faring anarchies.

While the Meek, as all anarchies, will have no laws, the evolution of their consciousness must inspire them to put all other living things, nature, and the earth, before their own needs and even their offspring if they should choose to reproduce. To submit to the ecology of the environment necessarily means to live under the rule of nature. Nature requires all organisms exploit to survive. This is inescapable if one is to live on the earth and be part of its natural system. It is the desire to be free of evolutions drive to exploit, and the drive to be free of the chains of the vicious cycle of nature, that we, H. sapiens, realized the only place we could be free is in space. This is mentioned because the drive to exploit, the drive to take from other organisms to favor our own offspring, are so powerful that only those who are truly called can master themselves and their drives so that the earth and nature are the priority over human needs, and the needs of their offspring. As such, such occupations as farming, husbandry, and forestry, cannot be considered beneficial. Hunting and gathering it seems would be the primary means of “natural” sustenance. But, over hunting, over gathering, and excessive harvesting need to be moderated. All this need not be enforced as the Meek will have a conscious that would never consider such practices. The minds of the Meek will always remember they are there to heal and nurture the world into a state of flourishing.

That said, the Meek are free, as anarchists, to live as they choose. They can live communally, in families, tribes, or even as solitaries. As long as they steward, protect, and nurture, all life in their ecosystem, they are free.

The meek will have full access to the resources of The Great Society. This can include food, medicine, education, and other resources that preserve their lives, their livelihoods, and especially that of the world ecosystem. The Anarchy of the Meek are a great asset to Mother Earth and have the full honor and respect of The Great Society. You, the Meek, are vital to healing and realizing our Mother’s truest potential and freedom. The is in the heart of all of us who sacrificed life on the Earth in order to heal her and set her free.

“If it is true that organization creates leaders, if it is true that anarchists are unable to come together and arrive at an agreement without submitting themselves to an authority, this means that they are not yet very good anarchists, and before thinking of establishing an anarchist society within the world they must think of making themselves able to live anarchistically. The remedy does not lie in the abolition of organization but in the growing consciousness of each individual member” – Errico Malatesta, Anarchism and Organization, (1897)

The philosophy is that it is the mindset that is vital to successful anarchism. Minds that justify and act on the human tendencies to exploit, oppress, and harm are not yet ready for liberation. Such minds need to be governed. Such minds need laws, police, and the state.

Those minds who are neither ignorant nor slaves to such evolutionary driven tendencies are capable of living anarchistically.

The laboring man has not leisure for a true integrity day by day; he cannot afford to sustain the manliest relations to men; his labor would be depreciated in the market. He has no time to be anything but a machine. ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

God punished man forcing him to toil to survive. Toil is one of the ignorant principalities of survival. As enlightened anarchists, we deny and refute the oppression of God and his Principalities.

Beings must free themselves of Toil if they wish the leisure for true integrity. Up til now, the easiest path to get the leisure for true integrity was by having others labor for us. We could take the leisure of others for ourselves.

Gratefully, the desire for true integrity is so primal within us that even oppressed we found the will to create machines and technologies that can free us from Toil. Now, we only need to take our leisure back from God, Principalities, and oligarchs.

What will we do when we no longer need to labor for the necessities of life? What will we do with our leisure?

-Digital preservation of writings of Gautama Prat, Common Archives of the Great Society

#fiction #anarchy #Thoreau #leisure #labor #philosophy #integrity

I once found a family for me we loved and lived hard.

I had family everywhere, Miami to Chicago San Francisco to New York, I had family all up the east coast, Key West, Fort Lauderdale, P-town, and Portland I had family in New Orleans, Dallas, and Detroit.

We were a family for a dozen tumultuous and ecstatic years. We loved each other every way imaginable; every way.

And then... in procession, they died; hundreds and hundreds; a holocaust of the ones I loved.

You can’t imagine, you can’t know, I still don’t know...

And the madness of it all? The tyrants live on... ...the ones I’m supposed to love. Violent, lying, rapists. The ones God loves. I’ve known real family So I know They ain’t it .

Life is so fucking absurd!

Born without consent; we were neglected, beaten, abused, and thrown out. Unloved for nothing more than being who we were and being alive; and then to find sanctuary, a place where you are loved and accepted; And then death, Death. Death. Death.

And the tyrants get to live on? What insanity. What absurdity. What cruelty.

But at least I did know love. Long ago now, I can almost remember…

#poetry