gringo

Had my first drink in 2 years last week.

Alcohol is a shit drug. I don't know anyone who quit it, myself included, who misses it particularly... yet it persists as the world's favourite drug, perhaps second only to caffeine.

So why did I drink? For old time's sake. To remember my favourite beer from when I lived in Scandinavia on exchange. Because I was tired of restricting myself.

Now I'm on an airplane flight and am ordering wine, cocktails, shots – alongside tea and coffee. Another truly shite combination. Yet... what else to do on a 14 hour flight with no snacks?

I suppose the one good thing that alcohol does is lowers us all to the same wavelength. With alcohol we can all loosen up and return to our most primitive selves – celebratory, entertaining and entertained, horny, aggressive, bragging, unanxious, unthreatened, unconscious.

And there are many things that keep us away from that state of mind. But... alcohol is a shit way to get into that mind state.

The other good thing about alcohol, is that it shows elements of someone's personality that they would otherwise repress or hide. It's easier to trust someone once you watch them get wasted/vulnerable on alcohol. I don't know any way to replicate this effect without alcohol.

But there's plenty of ways to gain the respect or trust of others without alcohol too.

So after this plane ride I won't be having more alcohol.

Nossa que soninho.

90 hours fasted.

Feeling fairly good considering. Felt properly great this morning. Hoping it helps with my HPPD.

Will work out this evening after a job interview then sauna, then will drink juice tomorrow morning.

Recovering from depersonalisation:

When I depersonalise, I experience a sense of “remembering”. That all is one, that I am a single absolute consciousness that is creating all of reality as a distraction from myself.

It occurs for me as a simple fact, and it quickly gets terrifying.

Yet… I just noticed that in that very case, the case where I depersonalise, I am personalising the “absolute consciousness”.

A person feels lonely. A person feels bored. A person wants to escape.

At the very moment that I depersonalise, I am still relating to reality/life as a person!

And whenever I remember it, I am also only recollecting a limited portion to the experience. I cannot take any conclusions away from it.

At the end of the day, right now I believe in God, I believe he gave me the free will to choose whether I believe in him. I believe that in the moments I choose not to believe in him, I get a taste of the hell that is separation from God and total, recursive self reliance.

There is a heaven. I am sure of it. The very thought of it calms me, makes me happy, and fills the sense of void inside me. How can it not exist? I am sure my mental model of it is nowhere near how it really is. But I truly believe that it exists.

I hope that the next time I despersonalize, I stop the train in its tracks. That I realise the irrationality of both thinking everything is one / I am absolute, AND yet still relating to it as a person.

I am tired of this nondual/monist shit. I am tired of gnostic ideas.

If I was the all powerful creator of everything, I would not experience the limits I have. I also would not be afraid, or lonely, or bored, or insane. If I was absolutely conscious, I would not be scared of myself or trying to trick myself / get disguised.

That comes from this body. Me, really. And I also don’t think we are all one soul. That doesn’t make the same sense to me. I cannot estimate everything others do. I cannot feel a total connection with someone else. There is a difference between me and my wife – and a difference between both of us and my friends, family, etc.

Maybe it’s hard for people to believe there’s a loving, ethical God that created everything good. I can understand that to an extent. Yet… just by accepting God, it’s fascinating… life gets better.

Thank fuck I am not using psychedelics anymore. Thank fuck I’m able to drink coffee again without feeling like I’ll have a panic attack.

Life is getting more stable for me and that is a precious gift.

Thank you God. Fuck ayahuasca. Because of Jesus, I am getting and will get better.

As I pray, and as I strive to align myself with the Holy Spirit, things just get better.

I believe – help my unbelief.

I wish I could feel home in my body again. I don't know how to describe it. Alienated? I pray and it helps, but I still get these waves of empty psychedelic feelings. This sense of being alone, of being too aware, of wordless chaos. I dislike it. I crave the stability of childhood. Of living within clear boundaries. I miss the hope. I pray that it will return. God, I am so sorry that I abused psychedelics. I am so sorry that I idolised worldly men and their traditions (ayahuasca, mushrooms, yoga) rather than you. I am so sorry that I trusted psychedelics as the highest source of truth. I feel weakened, hurt, alone, and empty. Please help me reconnect with your Holy Spirit. Please help me follow Christ. I am so sorry for turning away from your love. I don't deserve a second chance but I'm begging you, please please please give me another one. I am not worthy, please have mercy on me anyway. I am lost without you Lord. Please let me live a long life – please let me spend more time following you than I have turned against you. Please let me be your servant.

It's been a while since I wanted to kill myself. And I'm not sure I totally do, yet. But I am extremely frustrated with my current life circumstances. Living in my home country is extremely fucking expensive. I hate working in an office. I hate working for others – full stop. I have constant headaches. My wife and I are barely having sex. I'm getting fat from the shitty processed food in the supermarkets here. Meat and veg is 2-3x more expensive than the country I was in before. My friends overseas think I'm stupid for leaving – as it didn't make sense financially or to my quality of life. I try to explain that I didn't intend to stay here, it was trying to be a holiday... My family here think I'm stupid for wanting to leave “early”, less than 2 months in to a 9 month lease.

I have reached a point of mild mental stability. I still get some moments of depersonalisation but I'm otherwise OK. I am also getting sick and tired of working for others. I have helped my company get their demo out. Now I want out. I want to book flights back to my chosen home. Oh shit, I gotta do taxes too.

I want to live for God too. Yet I haven't been to church in a long time.

Things I want to remove from my life:

• New age-ism

  • Mushrooms
  • Yoga
  • Ayahuasca
  • Neo-buddhism
  • Relativism

• Old work I'm not proud of (maybe incl this blog, though I think I'll keep it for now since it's basically anon)

• Toxic BTC maximalism (to the point of saying there's a “right” way to use btc)

• KYC exchanges (except where Monero tunneling and never selling)

• Accepting living in a country I don't want to

• Unnecessary taxes

I no longer look up to those who have taken more psychedelics than me, either via more trips or higher doses.

First because I am experienced enough. I have had my experiences.

Second because I am more sensitive — apparently. A dose that is low for someone else provides very strong effects for me.

Third because their insights don’t seem to produce a better life. They don’t seem to make them happier, healthier, stronger, kinder, or anything like that.

Psychedelics are basically rolling the dice on your mind. They can make weird connections. There’s no guarantee those connections are going to be good ones.

Psychedelics make sense when you are suffering dreadfully. When you are so bogged down by trauma, by mental sickness, by negative thought patterns, that you need a reset.

But they are not the key to truth. They are not the key to self improvement. They are not a magic bullet. They are just as negative as they are positive.

My friend who I was mystified by for so long

— why, despite taking psychedelics so frequently, does he only care to travel, have short term (often mildly coercive) hookups, and make money —

I no longer see as seeing some “hard truths” I am blind to and being smarter/better than me.

Nope. He is either traumatised and deserving of my pity, and/or led astray by psychedelics and convinced his mindset of “dog eat dog” and “only power matters” is the ultimate truth of reality.

I don’t need to do psychedelics again. I’m quite sure of that. Only if I get into a terrible mindset again and rolling the dice makes sense.

I should have never given ayahuasca the power I did. To say it was the highest source of truth I ever found. To trust it beyond my gut, beyond what I felt comfortable doing. It's a plant, it's a powerful drug. It's a powerful hallucinogen that can completely change your frame of reality. But ultimately it was my decision to take it, to roll the dice on my frame. I could have stuck to my previous frame and aim it toward something good. It was unnecessary to throw myself into this terrifying singularity frame. This totality, this loneliness, this inescapable empty feeling. I have no proof that it's real. It seemed to be my only existence briefly, but then it passed. And now I'm “sober”, again. Yes I should be willing to change. Yes I should be open minded. But I shouldn't believe aya is some master source from which all my problems will be fixed. They won't be. Ayahuasca is for moments when you are sick. When you need the medicine. When you are depressed, incredibly fearful, angry, obsessed. Not when you have a mild sense of aimlessness and boredom.