Fuck alcohol is a terrible drug.
Now I just feell sleepy and angry and headachey at once.
It is literal cancerous poison.
I think my plot to stay up during my country's day and sleep during my country's night is going to fail. My mind will no longer work for spreadsheets. Sorry.
Best to just aguentar the effects of alcohol and hope they don't get worse, enjoy some music, and reaffirm my decision not to drink.
How to manage the freedom and opportunities that come with a loving, long-term, trusting relationship?
It's better than being single – I'm pretty sure. It's better than early stage dating – for sure.
I don't want to cheat. I love my wife. Yet... I also want to be my own person. I think that's also an important thing for our relationship. That I maintain my unique sense of self, my differences, my mystery/unpredictability.
Just the same way I want my wife to always be interesting and somewhat unpredictable for me.
So, how to carve out, rediscover parts of myself, build new parts of myself, while in a long-term relationship?
I have an opportunity to do that soon: a 6 week solo trip to Brazil.
Aside from a lot of good in-person boys time, I'll be looking to build out new business ideas, make new friends, put myself out there, and even explore my sexuality/self-image; of course, while also not cheating.
The latter is probably the trickiest part. What can you consider not cheating while exploring your sexuality? Easy answers would probably be something like doing nofap, trying new sex toys (like a prostate massager), watching a new genre of porn, something like that.
But could you meet people?
I've done tantric massages before with my wife's consent – incredible experiences that left me feeling quite comfortable that I made no negative effect on our relationship, or even left it in a better place. My wife also tried tantric massage and found it interesting, though a bit uncomfortable (likely due to the way it can help one delve into sexual trauma).
So I think I'll do that again – though it can be a tad difficult to find legit practitioners and not just hookers. Especially in Brazil. Lol.
But then the question also remains – is it cheating to hire a hooker if you just chat to them? No sex? What about no contact after so you don't have any emotional connection?
I've hired hookers just to chat with them and my wife has been comfy with it. Granted, she used to be a gp, so I think she understood my curiosity and wanted me to get the closure without making her delve into parts of her life she'd rather forget about, but still...
So that's an option too.
And I'd be a liar if I said there wasn't things I've developed a fetish for because my wife won't/doesn't like to do them. Things like deepthroating, swallowing cum, reluctance/CNC, bdsm (both dominating and being dominated), ass play, pegging. I'm not sure I could do them with another woman without feeling as though it was cheating.
But would it be cheating to discuss the fetishes with a hooker? I'd say no, and I suspect my wife would feel the same.
The other thing I am curious about, or sometimes wish I could experience, is the different types of women and their bodies. Young girls barely out their teens, older women, different ethnicities, tall, short, skinny, chubby, different hairstyles, tattoos, piercings... even transwomen.
Now... I suspect it would be considered cheating to even be in a situation where they are naked and I'm just looking at them and feeling horny. And almost certainly if I was touching/massaging them. And kissing – almost 100% sure that would be considered cheating to the same level as sex.
But... who knows?
In any case I have started a number of conversations with various massage therapists and GPs in Brazil. I haven't told my wife yet, but I wouldn't feel particularly ashamed to do so. And before I did anything, I would always get her permission.
I doubt my wife would accept it, or accept it in such a way that she wouldn't feel hurt — but I am super curious to know what a proper blowjob feels like. She knows I like them, she tries her best – but she has a strong gag reflex and a small mouth/jaw. It's just physically hard for her to give a blowjob and therefore we barely do it as a result.
Had my first drink in 2 years last week.
Alcohol is a shit drug. I don't know anyone who quit it, myself included, who misses it particularly... yet it persists as the world's favourite drug, perhaps second only to caffeine.
So why did I drink? For old time's sake. To remember my favourite beer from when I lived in Scandinavia on exchange. Because I was tired of restricting myself.
Now I'm on an airplane flight and am ordering wine, cocktails, shots – alongside tea and coffee. Another truly shite combination. Yet... what else to do on a 14 hour flight with no snacks?
I suppose the one good thing that alcohol does is lowers us all to the same wavelength. With alcohol we can all loosen up and return to our most primitive selves – celebratory, entertaining and entertained, horny, aggressive, bragging, unanxious, unthreatened, unconscious.
And there are many things that keep us away from that state of mind. But... alcohol is a shit way to get into that mind state.
The other good thing about alcohol, is that it shows elements of someone's personality that they would otherwise repress or hide. It's easier to trust someone once you watch them get wasted/vulnerable on alcohol. I don't know any way to replicate this effect without alcohol.
But there's plenty of ways to gain the respect or trust of others without alcohol too.
So after this plane ride I won't be having more alcohol.
Nossa que soninho.
90 hours fasted.
Feeling fairly good considering. Felt properly great this morning. Hoping it helps with my HPPD.
Will work out this evening after a job interview then sauna, then will drink juice tomorrow morning.
Recovering from depersonalisation:
When I depersonalise, I experience a sense of “remembering”. That all is one, that I am a single absolute consciousness that is creating all of reality as a distraction from myself.
It occurs for me as a simple fact, and it quickly gets terrifying.
Yet… I just noticed that in that very case, the case where I depersonalise, I am personalising the “absolute consciousness”.
A person feels lonely. A person feels bored. A person wants to escape.
At the very moment that I depersonalise, I am still relating to reality/life as a person!
And whenever I remember it, I am also only recollecting a limited portion to the experience. I cannot take any conclusions away from it.
At the end of the day, right now I believe in God, I believe he gave me the free will to choose whether I believe in him. I believe that in the moments I choose not to believe in him, I get a taste of the hell that is separation from God and total, recursive self reliance.
There is a heaven. I am sure of it. The very thought of it calms me, makes me happy, and fills the sense of void inside me. How can it not exist? I am sure my mental model of it is nowhere near how it really is. But I truly believe that it exists.
I hope that the next time I despersonalize, I stop the train in its tracks. That I realise the irrationality of both thinking everything is one / I am absolute, AND yet still relating to it as a person.
I am tired of this nondual/monist shit. I am tired of gnostic ideas.
If I was the all powerful creator of everything, I would not experience the limits I have. I also would not be afraid, or lonely, or bored, or insane. If I was absolutely conscious, I would not be scared of myself or trying to trick myself / get disguised.
That comes from this body. Me, really. And I also don’t think we are all one soul. That doesn’t make the same sense to me. I cannot estimate everything others do. I cannot feel a total connection with someone else. There is a difference between me and my wife – and a difference between both of us and my friends, family, etc.
Maybe it’s hard for people to believe there’s a loving, ethical God that created everything good. I can understand that to an extent. Yet… just by accepting God, it’s fascinating… life gets better.
Thank fuck I am not using psychedelics anymore. Thank fuck I’m able to drink coffee again without feeling like I’ll have a panic attack.
Life is getting more stable for me and that is a precious gift.
Thank you God. Fuck ayahuasca. Because of Jesus, I am getting and will get better.
As I pray, and as I strive to align myself with the Holy Spirit, things just get better.
I believe – help my unbelief.
I wish I could feel home in my body again. I don't know how to describe it. Alienated? I pray and it helps, but I still get these waves of empty psychedelic feelings. This sense of being alone, of being too aware, of wordless chaos. I dislike it. I crave the stability of childhood. Of living within clear boundaries. I miss the hope. I pray that it will return. God, I am so sorry that I abused psychedelics. I am so sorry that I idolised worldly men and their traditions (ayahuasca, mushrooms, yoga) rather than you. I am so sorry that I trusted psychedelics as the highest source of truth. I feel weakened, hurt, alone, and empty. Please help me reconnect with your Holy Spirit. Please help me follow Christ. I am so sorry for turning away from your love. I don't deserve a second chance but I'm begging you, please please please give me another one. I am not worthy, please have mercy on me anyway. I am lost without you Lord. Please let me live a long life – please let me spend more time following you than I have turned against you. Please let me be your servant.
It's been a while since I wanted to kill myself. And I'm not sure I totally do, yet. But I am extremely frustrated with my current life circumstances. Living in my home country is extremely fucking expensive. I hate working in an office. I hate working for others – full stop. I have constant headaches. My wife and I are barely having sex. I'm getting fat from the shitty processed food in the supermarkets here. Meat and veg is 2-3x more expensive than the country I was in before. My friends overseas think I'm stupid for leaving – as it didn't make sense financially or to my quality of life. I try to explain that I didn't intend to stay here, it was trying to be a holiday... My family here think I'm stupid for wanting to leave “early”, less than 2 months in to a 9 month lease.
I have reached a point of mild mental stability. I still get some moments of depersonalisation but I'm otherwise OK. I am also getting sick and tired of working for others. I have helped my company get their demo out. Now I want out. I want to book flights back to my chosen home. Oh shit, I gotta do taxes too.
I want to live for God too. Yet I haven't been to church in a long time.
Things I want to remove from my life:
New age-ism
Old work I'm not proud of (maybe incl this blog, though I think I'll keep it for now since it's basically anon)
Toxic BTC maximalism (to the point of saying there's a “right” way to use btc)
KYC exchanges (except where Monero tunneling and never selling)
Accepting living in a country I don't want to
Unnecessary taxes