gringo

I no longer look up to those who have taken more psychedelics than me, either via more trips or higher doses.

First because I am experienced enough. I have had my experiences.

Second because I am more sensitive — apparently. A dose that is low for someone else provides very strong effects for me.

Third because their insights don’t seem to produce a better life. They don’t seem to make them happier, healthier, stronger, kinder, or anything like that.

Psychedelics are basically rolling the dice on your mind. They can make weird connections. There’s no guarantee those connections are going to be good ones.

Psychedelics make sense when you are suffering dreadfully. When you are so bogged down by trauma, by mental sickness, by negative thought patterns, that you need a reset.

But they are not the key to truth. They are not the key to self improvement. They are not a magic bullet. They are just as negative as they are positive.

My friend who I was mystified by for so long

— why, despite taking psychedelics so frequently, does he only care to travel, have short term (often mildly coercive) hookups, and make money —

I no longer see as seeing some “hard truths” I am blind to and being smarter/better than me.

Nope. He is either traumatised and deserving of my pity, and/or led astray by psychedelics and convinced his mindset of “dog eat dog” and “only power matters” is the ultimate truth of reality.

I don’t need to do psychedelics again. I’m quite sure of that. Only if I get into a terrible mindset again and rolling the dice makes sense.

I should have never given ayahuasca the power I did. To say it was the highest source of truth I ever found. To trust it beyond my gut, beyond what I felt comfortable doing. It's a plant, it's a powerful drug. It's a powerful hallucinogen that can completely change your frame of reality. But ultimately it was my decision to take it, to roll the dice on my frame. I could have stuck to my previous frame and aim it toward something good. It was unnecessary to throw myself into this terrifying singularity frame. This totality, this loneliness, this inescapable empty feeling. I have no proof that it's real. It seemed to be my only existence briefly, but then it passed. And now I'm “sober”, again. Yes I should be willing to change. Yes I should be open minded. But I shouldn't believe aya is some master source from which all my problems will be fixed. They won't be. Ayahuasca is for moments when you are sick. When you need the medicine. When you are depressed, incredibly fearful, angry, obsessed. Not when you have a mild sense of aimlessness and boredom.

I like this:

https://poets.org/poem/so-you-want-be-writer

Nostr is cool.

Feeling. Useless. Nothing I do matters. Just want to do something dopamine releasing and fuck it. Sick. Tired of this country. Tired of eating shit. Microplastics, sugar, canola oil. Don't want to sleep on plastic pillows. Tired of the pollution. Chlorinated and fluoridated water supply. Coding tests. Wagecucking. Paying tax to a government I hate, that hates me.

How to opt out without joining the system?

Another perspective on life’s meaning: that we’re “working toward a more just future”

That the purpose of human life – human evolution – human history – hasn’t been discovered yet. It’s too early to tell what our meaning will be.

And yet I still somewhat believe the terrifying/infinite psychedelic ideas I have about nonduality and holography.

But I’m quite sure I’m not meant to live in that realisation full time…

Coffee makes me anxious. I know this. I made a bad decision drinking it.

It was nice – briefly. Felt euphoric. Took a big shit – probably too soon, it didn’t feel fully formed. Then the anxiety began, and it hasn’t stopped. I have a headache because of it too, I think.

I have 2.5 hours to kill. I have nothing I want to do. Going back home will already use up an hour – coming back as well.

I don’t want to apply for jobs.

I can maybe do some in1888 research. Figure out the file format.

I don’t want to walk anywhere since I have nice shoes.

I have $4.20, but I don’t really want to spend it.

Maybe I should sleep, like the man 50m away from me in this library.

Probably I ought to call the US consulate.

Maybe I ought to visit the prescription software guys.

---

Additionally I believe it’s better to do nothing than sit around wasting my time looking at social media or whatever.

It does not matter what I am anxious for. Maybe the decaf I thought I had, wasn't actually decaf. Maybe I haven't exercised enough recently. Maybe I've been ruminating unnecessarily. Perhaps I've had a little dose too much of philosophical pessimism.

You are in a playground where everything can go wrong for a reason. Where when you're dead, you're dead. Where you can suffer just as much as you can experience joy. Although, you can experience more joy than pain. There's no forcing function ensuring that you'll be dealt out an equal dose of pain for every bit of pleasure, or the other way around.

Monsters are real in this place. Also, this place can be made way better.

Why not try to build something that outlasts me? Leave a good impression on others' lives? Ease some suffering?

Take your self-hatred, your judgement, your anxiety, and your depression lightly. Get the effects of alcohol or entertainment without needing to indulge in them.

If depression is the price to pay for being aware of suffering, so be it. Just don't let it paralyse you. I think it's a worthy price to pay. Feel a bit more sad but be able to reduce the suffering of others.

A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved, it feels like – even if sharing the sorrow makes the receiver a little sadder. And joys shared are joys doubled, too – mostly. Or some of the time.

There is no way to measure life. We can't tell if something is important or not, good or bad. Pain is a pretty good signal, most of the time – but seeking a moderate level of discomfort is actually a pretty good way to live.

If you only seek comfort, life will become scary and bleak. If you seek to reduce your own pain, and the pain of others, though – I think you can do a fair amount of good.

And the good you do is real – precisely because everything can go wrong.If suffering and decay and death are real, then that actually makes their opposites real.

What if rather than my good actions causing bad things to happen (a ridiculous belief in the first place), my good actions are the required balance to a world where many bad things happen?

What problems do I get distressed by?

• Rise in depression, anxiety, suicide
• Psychedelic abuse
• Over-medication
• Single use plastics
• Prostitution (Brazil)
• Poverty (Brazil)
• High taxes that disproportionately affect poor (Brazil)
• Gov't corruption and slow bureaucracies (Brazil)
• Black/brown people being disregarded in the workplace (Brazil)
• People from first world countries living in “bubbles”

Stop being sad. Read the Bible. Quit crypto. Don't eat bugs. Resist evil. Work out.

Thankful. Decaf coffee, sun, chicken and requeijao empanada.

It strikes me that there is a choice between:

• striving to believe in God, and structuring your life around that belief

and

• passive aimlessness, and constant self-questioning

Bro it is way better to believe in God.