Rested well today.
I wanted to avoid using tech today, but I did end up browsing my phone a bit and binge-watching The Bible Project.
But today was good regardless.
I am nervous about forgetting the lessons ayahuasca gives me.
Giving into the desire to distract myself.
I also have this sense that we all choose our lives. When we can handle more stress, we are given it.
I had a screaming fit during the ceremony. I was a madman, completely chimping out. I couldn't stop yelling. The white void was so terrifying.
It was almost a sense of boredom. I had to make some noise in order to deal with the perfect silence. I couldn't sit fucking still. I couldn't feel into it.
I realise that I am embracing this “helmet” of base reality. I am leaning into my distractions and addictions. Caffeine, work, games, tv.
And unfortunately I am just about to embrace more distractions right now – work and eating,
Just did ayahuasca.
First ceremony since covid.
More intense than I was expecting.
Not just all love and peace.
I saw similar things to my first psychedelic trip (DMT)
A white void of complete emptiness and possibility. Beautiful yet terrifying.
Then the “helmet” of base reality came down- helmet is an apt metaphor, because it obscures the view of higher reality, and also protects your human brain from needing to comprehend what the the white void is.
I feel scared of getting sucked back in just thinking about it. It was such a relief to not be forced to look at it directly.
I swear- maybe the godhead thing is true? We are all one being, who makes elaborate disguises in order to hide from himself?
And stuck with the insane boredom of emptiness it just constantly generates new experiences?
I got the sense that the godhead can’t just sit with the emptiness and be peaceful. Or maybe, that’s my brain.
Ah interestingly this trip I got a message to be more feminine. Keep up a healthy diet that causes as little suffering as possible. Stop using stimulants.
But perhaps that empowering of the feminine comes with a side effects of introducing chaos?
Anyway I am getting really tired. Time for me to sleep
Let me just write down some key learnings in case I forget
Don’t take ayahuasca again until I’ve visited my family in my home country
Be more sensitive and thoughtful during sex
Learn to behave myself, respect others’s space.
Keep up the aya diet for longer. Quit stimulants. If I do return to eating meat, don’t eat more then I need i.e. no churras.
Only a few people ascend to heaven. Alternatively, you can call it the next reality. Beyond the godhead. If you can look at the white void without terror, you can ascend.
Ah shit I’m getting overlaid hallucinations of the ceremony room now but I’m at my hotel… yeah. I need sleep.
The only pain is in knowing how ayahuasca fades away, just like a dream!
Thursday. Almost a week caffeine-free! And, with 3 tablespoons of green tea in my system (I was still feeling groggy in the morning), I am feeling powered up.
I know it's not being caffeine free for real but I am taking significantly less and that's something to be proud of.
I dislike being addicted to anything.
Today I will code, and I will code well, and I will upload my code.
Pronto. Vamos. La.
Another day. Of the muggy caffeine withdrawal feeling. And of playing Minecraft in a desperate attempt to feel relaxed and happy. Just lost another hardcore game – this time, because of lag (was underwater, came up, then glitched back into place and drowned.)
Meh. It was already getting boring, just a huge ass ocean.
And this is somewhat of a sign too. Enough game. It's 10pm so I can actually get to bed at a decent time.
Maybe even have some sex before bed.
Aight.
Tomorrow will be the day of finishing code.
Caffeine withdrawal or not... we are going to do it.
Maybe a little green tea to assist.
Well, I just spent more than 2 hours playing hardcore minecraft. Thank god I died else I would have probably spent a lot more time playing.
I apparently was using a mod pack but I'm not so sure about that! Didn't seem like I did...
Anyway it did work, in the sense that, I'm now pumped up and excited to work again.
And I got a lot of shit done! Woo.
Time to play a little bit more then go to bed?
Hehe.
Will set up the shower and put the clothes in.
Actually nah. Bedtime.
that green day can't be hitting already... surely not?
Perhaps it is.
Ah well, I resisted coffee the whole day. And I only drank this by accident.
Tomorrow we can attempt a second resistance.
And for now, I want myself to spend an hour playing Minecraft before anything else. Get the dopamine going again before going back to work.
When I feel happy, I can be productive. When I'm not happy, I can't be. Simple as that.
Now let's solve all those problems.
FUCK! SO MUCH OF MY DAY GONE! 6pm now. I woke up at least 12pm, so I have legitimately lost 6 hours to meaningless crap.
I was trying to make some mint tea but accidentally realised it was green tea midway. Fuck it. I need some caffeine to properly function.
Maybe I am using it as a big excuse, but I think not – I'm demotivated, frustrated, listless, angry. Without any other reason I can identify, than caffeine withdrawal.
Let's just go ahead and fix these fuckers.
- Checked my CC balance. Too low. Hotel not charged. I need to get some cash before Friday. Loaned 1k from the business to cover things, will pay back Friday.
Actions to take.
- Limit sugar before aya. Follow the diet. Drink lots of water, have coconut or olive oil when I get cravings.
- Ask D if we can discount an electrician visit from next rent. If yes, get electrician in to fix lightbulb.
- When I have time and willingness:
a. Scoop out hair and other shit from the shower drains with my bare hands
b. Progressively move stuff in second bathroom to bedroom one, then do another spray of anti-mold mixture
c. Dab everything with baking soda solution
d. Put down rubbish
e. Wipe away dirty mark on bathroom door
f. Swap bedsheets
- Do lookups on BP for sus BTC addresses (why? just to help a friend?)
- Stop giving a fuck about tax until a big event like share sale. You already figured out your target salary, so just focus on that.
- You're a fine husband, you always back off, you're not a rapist or asshole. Take it easy.
- Eat fruit and have some bean soup.
- Follow the isoretonin policy we pre-arranged. Take pre & probiotics before and doing. See if ayahuasca will tell me anything about it.
- Keep drinking water.
- Don't care about this blog being leaked. Use short and vague names as much as possible.
- You can't afford CrossFit until Friday and you probably won't feel too good doing it due to no caffeine regardless. So just use gym downstairs until next week.
- Stop worrying about budget, worry about increasing income.
- Spend an hour building a massive tower attached to a village in Minecraft.
- Finish database importer.
- Finish database importer.
- Finish database importer.
How incredibly relieving to have a day completely without appointments. I can sleep in, then I can do exactly what I want to do – what I am most inspired to do.
Have my cake and eat it too.
Alright. 3:30pm. I've done my errands, eaten my salad, am listening to DnB.
What do I truly desire?
Caffeine withdrawal is fucking with me. Yes it is. But I won't give in today.
Let's write down everything that's bothering me?
- Ayahuasca
- Eating too much sugar before aya
- Smelly water
- Smelly sheets
- Moldy second bathroom (ceiling, shower walls, toilet bowl, fan)
- Fucked light socket in bedroom bathroom door
- Plugged/dirty drains
- Rubbish
- Not getting my salary
- Dirty mark on bedroom bathroom door
- Not saving for tax
- Company sale not going through
- Being a bad husband / too horny
- Hungry
- Acne
- How can I let my skin heal
- Isoretonin prep/worries
- Pre/probiotics beforehand to prep my digestive tract?
- Drinking enough water
- Keeping this blog anon
- Getting enough exercise, working out
- Renew my CrossFit subscription
- Having enough money for the things I need/want
- Am I chilling out enough?
- Tax report before 30th
- Financial reconciliation
- Finish my database importing program
My god, I'm a caffeine addict. Woke up sluggish, sad. Had scheduled an alarm to run but really wanted to just stay in bed and sleep. But anyway, I get up. Live coding interview. I make basic mistakes, can't properly complete a train of thought... whatever. Go for a walk, get some food – still sluggish. Headache begins coming on, 2 decaf coffees don't fix it, nor water nor acai.
Headache comes on hard around 3pm. I decide fuck it, and have an espresso.
Headache gone within 30 mins. And finally my brain is capable of thinking again!
I used to love MC with mods. Now, it's just boring, almost too much work to play.
I'm a little scared of doing ayahuasca. I'm worried I'll resist. That I'll cling too tightly to life – to my wife, to my family (after all, haven't seen them in ages) – basically, not let go.
And that I'll suffer as a result.
Whatevs.
I still have time to prepare.
Having a final cuppa and watching 2 Spencer Cornelia videos before I nod off.