2 days on aya diet. No meat no caf no cooming no junk food no modaf. It's pretty hard. I like meat, sex, and coffee a lot. Anyway let's chill out and play some Minecraft before bed.
2 days on aya diet. No meat no caf no cooming no junk food no modaf. It's pretty hard. I like meat, sex, and coffee a lot. Anyway let's chill out and play some Minecraft before bed.
How hard should I aya diet? To the max? No caffiene, no sugar, no animal products? Or can I drink milk, eat eggs, have a moderate amount of caf?
I feel like I'll absorb the aya better and it'll help me detox from coffee better if I make it til Sunday w/o.
Yep. The modafinil is leaving me, so is the coffee. It's 1:30am. I'm losing it... I should stop to write a summary soon. Maybe already.
Ayahuasca in 7 days. Actually – 8 days. I think at least. Nevermind – next Friday or Saturday. It makes no difference. Winter solstice.
I have entered the ayahuasca diet on a bit of a bang – 250g of kibe cru / kibbeh nayyeh. God, how delicious.
Then I fucked my wife. I made sure she had 2 orgasms first. Then we had a nice long fuck and she had a final orgasm before having a shower. God, I'm glad I got that vibrator for her.
Listening to State of Love and Trust. The MTV Unplugged version is also amazing.
Oh shit and this came up as well – Show Me How to Live. What a song. Similar vibes – She Hates Me (annoyingly that version is censored though).
Ok final tangent video – Blurry is a great reason not to rush at having a kid. Don't have a son and let him get fucked up by his mum having a shitty new partner.
Man, I am happy I have this blog. I know it's not 100% anon, maybe one day my identity will be revealed. But regardless, good! This is an amazing outlet. And the mere idea that someone will come across my writing one day and it will be useful to them is very motivating.
I would love to be a positive example to others.
For I have a single definition of success: you look in the mirror every evening, and wonder if you disappoint the person you were at 18, right before the age when people start getting corrupted by life. Let him or her be the only judge; not your reputation.
At 18, I wanted to have a remote job, travel the world, have sex, be healthy & fit, be honest, and set a good example to other guys like myself who struggled a lot in their teens with depression and low self-esteem.
OK. Done done done. 1 hour passed of writing. I want to get some work done. I want to use these last precious hours of caffiene and modafinil – some 2-3 hours – to write the best code of this month.
Don't really know what to do.
Oh my goodness. What a day. Somewhat lost my productivity due to staying up late. Really – the anxiety last night in bed is what got me. Afraid of the dark... doomscrolling to distract myself. Woke up... instant headache... instant feeling I needed to rest. Forced myself to clean and do stuff, tried to go work out but headache got really bad so I just got a meal and went home. Now I'm sitting down trying to get organised but it's already 6:40pm and I just want to sleep, wank, play some vidya or whatever. But you know what, why don't I do exactly that. Oftentimes following what feels most important is the most effective way to get things done.
I have a whole day and I won't let it go. I won't let anyone take it from me. It's my day and it's my schedule. Listening to: That Which Is Not To The PURPOSE.
I am not going to lose my time to carelessness. I will find the purpose before all else. I remember seeing some Jay Shetty video from a while ago where he talks about how before anything each day, he thinks about his why – his purpose.
Time is the one loan that even a grateful recipient cannot repay.
How can I free myself?
What do I really want to do today then? Before looking at anything else. What am I inspired to do?
Deep work? Writing?
What do I not want to do? Ah yes – small time comms, raising tickets, looking over minutiae.
I would like to work on one thing only. I think it is bitcoin flows. That's the one, yep :)
We ended up having sex.
I probably should have just expressed my sexual frustration earlier.
Problem is, I am always terrified of pressuring/guilting/coercing my wife into sex.
Consent is so important. Yet weirdly at the same time there's many cases where B doesn't want to have sex initially, out of a kind of laziness, but then ends up really wanting it and enjoying it, and even “taking charge.”
Anyway. Glad we had sex. It was absolutely fucking with my mental state, including my productivity.
Today how am I feeling?
Well – I got a fair bit done. I picked up my isoretinol/accutane prescription. I am seeing both wildly positive and negative things about it.
I hope, if this is like the vaccine, that I make the right choice this time... that I somehow can follow my gut or make the right choice.
I believe I can maybe improve my skin with all the right habits – regularly changing my sheets and towels, pillowcases – good sleep – good diet (low sugar, avoid bad fats) – lots of water – collodial silver water.
But I also believe this could be the only solution I have to my acne.
Anyways. I got up on time today, helped my wife with her dental surgery, helped her recover, got a fair bit of errands done, and am ending the day fairly happy. Still with ~20 tasks left on my todo list. But I'm getting through them.
Time to call family with my wife? Then what – do a bit of miscellaneous work? It's 7:45pm, so not super late yet.
Fuck this. I can't take the anger and frustration any more. I need to go work out.