gringo

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.

Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.

So write with a combination of short, medium, and long sentences. Create a sound that pleases the reader’s ear. Don’t just write words. Write music.

Not having sex makes me incredibly angry. A part of me wants pick fights, insult people, slash tyres, trip over kids, kick cats, smash walls, and the like – just to get this hateful, angry energy out of me. Of course, that is tempered by all the other parts of me that love life and others and provide my conscience.

Still. I totally understand why incels exist. Plus a lot of femicide, rapes, or just general domestic violence. Take this energy, combine it with drugs or trauma... of your own mistreatments... with some senselessness, lack of empathy or awareness... and you could easily get there.

This energy doesn't exist when I'm sexually satisfied. When I have my needs met, this energy barely exists. But when I am suffocated with lust, when I feel rejected, unwanted, when I feel I am sacrificing so much... it comes on hard.

Probably the reason I feel this extra strong this month is that I had 2 girls hit on me recently and both times I felt attracted to them, but as a good partner I refused to flirt back. Plus, I will be traveling again soon, and will spend a week without sex before an ayahuasca ceremony.

I know it's a fucked up way to feel, but I feel like my wife is selfish. Basically, if she was really horny, and I knew we couldn't have sex for a week, I would absolutely fuck her even if I didn't want to. Just because I understand sex is a need. In fact I already do that. When she is ovulating, she wants sex like mad. I have sex with her even when I don't want to, even when it is uncomfortable or even painful, or when I'm tired. It feels disrespectful and selfish for her not to do the same for me.

The other way that it feels selfish is that I know she suffers less than me if she doesn't have sex. She can have high libido but it's super subjective, it can disappear just like that. My libido is culminative.

In fact just writing this I've felt even more mad at her. She's distracting me from my fucking work. Lying down on the couch and watching netflix. The whole reason she can afford not to work is because of me. I understand she needs some off days but she can at the least not stay lying around next to me. The fact that she is relaxed and having a chill day while I'm highly sexually frustrated and stressed out from work makes me want to explode.

Fuck hormone imbalances. Fuck the vaccine.

Testosterone is good in almost all cases if you're a dude – but it'll also make you horny as fuck, angrier, impulsive. I most likely have persistent acne due to my own hormone imbalances.

My wife's own fucked up hormones are what makes her periods so intense and makes her not want to have sex for half of the month. I hate that she straight up doesn't want to have sex half of the month then suddenly wants to fuck like mad for a single week. I usually don't even have the time on those weeks.

God, I resent the fuck out of her on the weeks she doesn't want to have sex.

I lowkey wish death on every single pfizer exec for making a vaccine that fucks up women's periods more.

...I honestly wonder how I can deal with this for the rest of my life. It will probably lead to breaking up if never resolved. I cannot be in a relationship without sex.

The context will always be missing. You will never have the full context unless you live it. A good storyteller can fill in some convenient sounding context – it doesn't even need to be truthful context – to make an action or choice sound reasonable and normal in the subject's mind. But the subject will never have the full context.

Modafinil, similarly to Ritalin, is amazing at making you do what you don't want to do. It's even better at helping you do things you do want to do.

But there is a consequence to doing too much of what you don't want to do. You're not being honest to yourself.

Low self-esteem is like a virus. You catch it from other people.

And you can fight it off.

I have considered... what would I be like if I was insanely confident?

How much money would I ask to be paid? Would I accept getting a tiny percentage of the company I co-founded and following to that, a shitty salary and employment contract? Or would I demand a great salary plus better equity plus solid shareholder rights (non-dilution clause, voting powers?)

Would I be with my wife? Or would I not accept her flaws? Would I want to be with someone more beautiful, with better genetics, more successful in her career, from a more stable family, with a less traumatic past, less socially influenced, more aligned with me politically and morally?

What would I demand of my friends?

Where would I live?

What would I eat?

Don't you wanna be the better version of yourself? If you want somebody to like something, pair it with something else they like. Learning to associate only with positive things is one of the most important user interface rules of reality.

Only associate with positive things huh.

Accept that systems are better than goals. Accept that reality is subjective. Build systems for everything in your life. For fitness, money, diet, everything. Talent stacking.

Use your despair to find freedom.

Sadness – loneliness – depression – despair – use them to buy freedom.

Allow yourself to feel like a garbage human being, and use that feeling to get “fuck it” energy.

To ask someone out is the classic example. But could it also be used for: Getting a job? Getting investment? Making a sale?

Probably. Yes.

Other people feel intimated so they don't go for the extreme opportunities – asking out an incredibly beautiful women, getting an amazing job.

You're afraid of rejection but despair and depression will sink you to feeling worse than rejection could ever make you feel.

---

The world feels like a weird-ass magical realism play sometimes.

What do I truly desire?

To be free of my health issues?

To be rich? Financially free? Powerful?

To be strong? Anti-fragile?

To be free in general?

To be close to my family?

To be comfortable and have fun?

To get really good at sex?

To prepare for and have kids?

To become an artist?

I think right now it's about getting rich without completely sacrificing the other areas of my life.

Fuck the CCP.

CCP is not China.

CCP is not the Chinese people.

Chinese culture is fucking awesome and carries a lot of wisdom.

Chinese people are at worst tolerable and at best incredible – kind, smart, talented, hardworking, optimistic, etc.

But the abuses of the CCP are disgusting and need to go away. It's terrifying seeing how much they control their population. Disgusting how they are getting away with genocide. Disappointing how little Western nations are doing to stand up to them.

Binance if they continue their success will side with China if war breaks out.