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Dream of labor.. Why would anyone dream of labor?

I recently failed another interview – not surprising. I know myself now, more or less.. I do not want to give the company name, but in case I reference it later, lets called this company K. I was not expecting any different from myself.

In one of the rounds, this particular person was assessing me for my cultural fit. I think it is a nicer way of saying she was trying to figure out if I was a douchebag or not. I am not a douchebag. I am depressed, unhappy and going through very difficult times. But I am not a douchebag.

She asked me, with exaggerated motions, with a theatrical tone: What makes you want to wake up and go to work? What is your passion? What is your biggest motivation?

I said, pay-check. 💸 She was surprised, shocked and was not expecting that answer! I think at that moment the decision was made. There was an awkward silence. We looked at each other in our Zoom screens. I was just being honest..

Do employees, excluding company owners, really have other motivations? If yes, where are they? All of my friends, my wife, everyone I know.. None of them has any motivation except their salary. How many people would leave their jobs if they knew they would still get paid? I am assuming more than half of the work force? I can see that it can be fun growing your empire if you are a big boss, you can have so much wealth that money is not a motivation anymore.. But for me.. For people like me.. Why would I have any sort of motivation to work 8 hours a day, everyday, for someone else except getting paid?

Who knows, maybe I would have get rejected either way. Maybe I failed the technical rounds too. Of course I am incapable of the task they would have given me.. No way I could do any of them.

Failing an interview is not the worst thing – constantly failing interviews is on the other hand is one of the worst things that you can experience in your late 30s. Losing hope – losing hope is the worst.

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Proof of concepts.. I wish I could, somehow, magically, do proof of concepts in my life. 🪄

I wish I could solve one particular thing just for a week or two. So I could find out at least if that is actually, really a problem – my main problem. What I need to fix.

Right now I feel like nothing is going well. Am I just mistaken? Am I just feeling bad about things because this one particular thing actually is broken?

I wish I could have a work I enjoyed for a week for example. I wonder if other things that annoy me would vanish? I wonder if I would be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

I wish I had a close friend maybe? Would I not stress so much about work – kids – the mayhem at home. Would I have had some energy?

There are other things I am not comfortable talking about – still – in theory I should be anonymous – but I cannot spit them out. So difficult.

I need help. So why am I not getting it? I am scared of the proposed solutions. I am also scared of the pressure that comes with it – now you are getting help – you must be happy.. I am scared of feeling even worse if the therapy does not work out. I told you to do this – and now you must be happy. What if I come to a point where the therapist says they cannot help me anymore? I better work with someone else? Another hit? I cannot take another hit, for real.

I feel like I have made very big mistakes. Wasted my life. Threw it away. It is not so bad. I am ok with wasting it – but I wish I was 90 years old and only looking back at it. The difficult part is actually living through it.

If a man's happiness means other peoples misery, how can that man be happy knowing others are miserable?

I am living a life my mind is rejecting. My body is rejecting. This has been going on for .. cannot tell.. few years now. I think it started building up 20 years ago, got somewhat serious 10 years ago and for the last 5 years I have been in the major leagues.

It is going downhill. I am scared of collapsing and not being able to work anymore. I am somewhat useful at the moment. Barely. I bring in money. I do not want to be totally useless.. On the other hand, I have no idea how I can keep this up for another 25 years until retirement.. Seriously, I need help. What kind of help – I do not know. I swear I can hardly take it.

I do not need help – I need a miracle..

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Inhumane..

The environment I am trying to do work is inhumane. I am still not comfortable – am I really anonymous here?

Two kids at home. I love, love, love, love them. When I see photos from the times when they were not born – I question where they are. Then I remember – they were not always here. Such an interesting feeling. I miss them when they go to sleep. I start missing them the minute I drop them to school.

But this high pitched tone they are using when talking. I cannot stand it. It is driving me crazy. And they talk – they talk a lot! Loud – with a sound that is just 🤪! It is like listening to the highest note on the guitar – very loud – all the time – without any harmony. It is higher pitched than the highest pitched note on a guitar I am sure..

I asked them politely 500 times so far – it just does not change anything.

I am expected to work. I am expected to write code. I can barely stay sane.

I should be focusing on solutions instead of complaining. What is the solution here? You can fix a deadlock in code, cause in a way you can go back in time. You can go back in time in the sense – you can delete the existing code and re-write it.

I have to work.. I have kids – I mean I cannot do anything about it anymore. Grandparents are in a different continent.. We have been in the waitlist for before and after school for over a year now with no progress.

Move somewhere else.. How? Moving costs money.. Rents are higher every other year. I do not have that kind of money. Stop complaining go back to your home country. What will change? I will have even less money – a worse future my kids..

We accepted paying a little over average rent for a 100 year old apartment (again another story..) because of the neighbourhood – we wanted our kids to be surrounded by nicer people, hopefully? This is a neighbourhood in this city with one of the highest income average. Now of course rich does not mean nice.. But at least it should, hopefully, in theory mean concerned? people – less trouble? – less bullying?. Who does not want that for their children?

Anyway, coming back to the topic at hand – I can hardly take this – and this is my regular/usual day. Everyday – every single day – I am dying inside a bit more.

As I said – I am not sure if I am completely anonymous here.. There is so much more I want to say.. I do not want to live. Not because of what I wrote here in this post. This is just another drop in the ocean. I can hardly take this life. Hardly.. So difficult. Not a single minute exists I feel happy. Not a single minute exists I feel free, myself, enjoying life.

None of this means I will do anything stupid. I will not. I will not leave anyone behind – at least deliberately. 2 innocent people with a bright future depend heavily on me. But did I enjoy today? No. Did I enjoy yesterday? No.. When was actually the last time I enjoyed a day – where I went to bed and I said, this was a good day.. I do not remember.

So much I want to get out – I need to feel more comfortable here. I wish I could be sure I was anonymous.

Until next time – if you can find any silence – enjoy it for me please for – “silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation”[Rumi].

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Trapped.. I feel trapped. 🪤

This will not be the only post I have about work for sure.. I can repeat this rant everyday. I already do. I.. do.. not.. like.. my.. job.. I almost hate it I think. The only comfort I find is knowing I am not alone[0]. Let me fix my statement: I am alone, I am just not the only one..

Why are you complaining? Just change what you do.. Sure.. How?

1:30pm in the middle of the day.. Zero interest at what I am doing. I am burned out. From work, from life. Please someone help me. Something help me. I feel dizzy.

I cannot quit. We barely make a living. Our rent is half of my salary. We are raising 2 kids. Should not have had the kids.. OK how does that help, what are you suggesting? I would give anything for them – that includes sticking into this mind numbing thing called working. Then shut up.. I do shut up. That is why I just write anonymously here. I know no one wants to listen to this.

I have zero interest at my work – I do not care. It is so sad being trapped in front of the computer for hours – everyday – for years.

I have a lot to say about work so there will be new posts for sure. Right now I feel light headed because how much I hate my work. I want to be more active.. I want to be outside. I want to be creative, productive. I want to enjoy what I do. I hate what I do.

I am still thankful but I do not know for how long I will be able to hold my job. I have a bad feeling. I have been failing – I feel like I will fail even worse. I have a feeling I will be let go. Liberating? Ya, liberating. Getting kicked out of the apartment because you cannot pay your rent is liberating too. Please, karma, chakra, the secret, whatever .. it is your time to shine now.

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[0]: bit.ly 3N6gcMd

CTO in a very big e-commerce company.. This is a person I know, making lots of money. But to me, it is interesting how he got where he is. I am not denying there is a lot of working long hours. But he had a very different mindset. He had no problem exaggerating what he previously did or his capabilities.

I think there are many people like this. I was in a car ride with someone – husband of my wife's friend. He said something that I think I will not forget for a long time.. “Once they hire you, they won't let you go. It is only about getting the job itself”. I never saw it like this. I feel a very big responsibility hence if anything I try to lower the expectations as much as I can. I do not want people thinking that I am some sort of a super employee that will get everything done.

Recently I had a 1:1 with my manager. (I hate 1:1s, but that is a different story, today I am keeping it light.) He asked me how things were going. I said “ordinary” – 🥱 – and that is how things were.. He was shocked.. He repeated my answer with big eyes.. He said “ORDINARY?”.. And told me “You have to sell it to me, man.. You have to sell yourself a little bit.” Why, I do not understand. Why am I supposed to sell myself? Is it a part of my job? I am doing the tasks assigned to me to best of my ability, is not that enough? Why are you a manager, if you are not going to monitor my performance in your own terms?

I know this thing is getting too long but I just want to give one more example.. I was around 20 years old – doing my intern. The senior engineer asked me if I knew how to use a particular application. I told him I only did some very basic tutorials in it and do not have much exposure to it and only know the very basics. He told me wrong answer. I was like – what? How is that a wrong answer? He told me I must say, confidently – Yes, I know that application. I asked him what if I get hired, they expect me to do something with it and if I can't? He told me I was supposed to say: “I know it, I am not an expert in it”. Now after 15 years, I understand he actually showed me the reality of the work life. At that time I thought he was just unethical. Seems like my definition of unethical does not match reality in work life.

This whole selling yourself things is a silent killer. It is a part of the competition. I have been tired of the competition long time ago. I wonder how many marketers are in high positions instead of more knowledgable but modest people.. I must clarify this – I am not claiming I am very talented or knowledgable – I suck hard at work, just like I suck at everything else.. Just wondering about others.. Maybe everyone is where they actually are supposed to be – what do I know.

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Honk, honk, honk.. I detest people who constantly honk. Who stop their cars in inappropriate places totally blocking the traffic and simply not care. I detest drivers who drive with high beams on at night destroying other drivers eyes. I do not understand these people. Are they just uneducated? Selfish? Dumb?

When you confront them – they will be like – what can I do, I am supposed to get my coffee. Where else do you want me to take stop? It is just a few seconds.. It is a few seconds for them but all the cars that need to change lanes and the congestion they cause now due to them stopping and having a coffee does not bother them..

Same feelings go for the people honking all the time – for the smallest things. Red turns to green – HONK! Someone struggles taking the left turn – HONK! It is not like a small “beep!” – it is HONKKKKKKKK. 📣

Same feelings go for the people who cut lanes. We are 10 – 15 cars waiting in the right lane for a reason right – the left lane is joining the right lane because there is a construction. Why are you so special? Why can you just drive on the left lane and just cut at the very end?

Years ago I was in a line for getting some pastry in a bakery. I was around 25 years old I think – can't remember now. There were maybe 5 – 10 people in the line. Then this guy comes – parking his car briefly in a very busy street right in front of the bakery – storming in to the bakery – cutting everyone – saying “he will just get a single pretzel and is in a hurry”.. I wish I was brave enough to confront him at that moment. I wish I said we were also not waiting to buy a new car or waiting for our trial. I wish I told him to get his big ass in the line. We also all were just going to get a pretzel or two.

I hate it when I wake up with someone honking like crazy in 7:00am in the morning in a quiet neighbourhood because a pedestrian is crossing at red light. They are both at the wrong.

Which brings me to pedestrians jay-walking and crossing at red lights. Are you dumb? Are you lazy? Are you .. what? Why can't you wait a minute?

Very recently an adolescent just jumped right in front of me with his skateboard crossing the street when I was driving when the light was red for him and was green for me. I had to do a hard brake. What if I was not paying attention for a few seconds at the time? What if I was distracted for a second? The light was green for me and I was driving at the speed limit – I always do. He just looked me in the eye like DARE YOU HIT ME. I AM THE KING!!! KING OF THE ROADS!! Rules do not apply to me..

And speaking of speed limits – I always drive at the speed limit both in the city and on highways. I can't tell how much other drivers harass me. They tailgate me, they pass me very closely, honk at me and sometimes even giving me the finger. Go complain to ministry of the traffic mister. If we are not going to obey the rules – why are there rules? Do you steal things from shops as well? How is that different? Either way you are breaking the law.

There are other things.. Parking on the sidewalk, blocking entrance or exits, parking in the middle of 2 parking spots blocking both, making weird u turns just completely destroying the traffic, making dangerous exists at high speeds throwing other peoples lives at danger (I honestly do not care about you, I even wish you were dead so you could not be a danger to innocent people), pedestrians walking on the bike lane, bikers not stopping at stop signs, bikers riding on sidewalks.. The list goes on and on..

I guess enough rant for today..

I want to get better at writing – if anyone is willing to help me in this regard – reach out to me. How can I improve my writing? English is not my first language so I also need to strongly improve my vocabulary I think.

Thank you for making so far – until next time – stay on your lane and do not make stops where it is not allowed.

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I failed in life.. This is where I want to rant anonymously – hoping it will help me somehow.. Get it all out. At least to help me ease the pain as I have very little hope for anything else like success.. I also do not have close friends. I suspect you will find anything useful in my entries – but regardless thanks for reading.

I plan entering posts without any timeline or any structure. I also do not have any sort of a schedule – I will write whenever I want. At times I will just talk about myself and other times probably just rant. Maybe I can talk about my goals too – when I have any. 😊

I will reveal neither my identity nor anyone else's I talk about. One thing I have done right in life is I have never committed any crime so I am not expecting anyone actually trying to find out who I am. I am not here to confess crime – I am here to confess stupidity.

Hoping to see you in future posts – until then – stay sane.

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