its saturday. its my birthday. not sure if i should be happy i made it another year or not. the only card i got was from work. the only birthday greetings from unknown people online in my fibro group. i was hoping for something from my kids. another quiet day i guess.
i went to bed early and slept ok and still feel tired. i might allow myself a nap later. got no where to go and nothing else to do .
we decided to go to the farmers market. it was a nice morning so i was looking forward to the walk around. i got there and was dogs everwhere. so i turned around and left. brent stayed and talked with someone for a few minutes. we went for a walk downtown to the antique shop . i looked around but didnt buy anything. we had a coffee and a scone and people watched for awhile. we came home and i picked up a bag of donation and went to value village. i didnt see much there , bought a very large skein of yarn i am hoping will be enough for a short sleeved top.
brent thought i might like to try a cannibis gummi for my pain. well i took half of one. an hour later i was out like a light for 2 hours . i didnt like the dizzy feeling for sure. but i am in much less pain. if i take the rest it will be a much smaller piece. i will really consider this when the pain is alot worse. which i know it will get.
no messages from the kids. maybe next year.....
another very hot day today. i cant wait any longer i have to can the pineapple i bought i sale. so i am making fruit salad today. so the kitchen will be hot. but i dont want to waste the fruit. canning season is a hot season. i understand why some had outdoor kitchens now. i got 8 2 cup jars. not bad for a hot day. the pot is cooling now.
i am forcing myself to only drink water during the day instead of tea. it is supposed to be hot like this for the next week or so. i watered early this morning and did a bit of weeding. weeds the bane of my gardening. a never ending job is weeding. i do what i can but sometimes when i am bent over too long i feel like i am going to pass out. so i do a little bit here and there and hope its enough for now.
i am now in the extreme fatigue part of my day. i am sitting in this chair swaying ...i am that tired. i dont want to sleep but i know if i go and get comfy i will.
no mail today. good i guess no bills. as the days go by i am getting nervous about my eye surgery. hard not to think about it.
some new flowers blooming in the garden today. tomatoes are blooming and squash and lillies....all wonderful to look at. i am seeing bees so that is great too. the plums didnt bloom this year. i am thinking the tree is still too young. i have to water again later and then shower and bed. i was so sleepy all afternoon i bet i wont be able to sleep tonight.....
its going to be another very hot day. i will probably be spending alot of time under the fan.
even the cats look so sad in the heat. all they do is move around on the tiles trying to find a cool one.
no idea what to make for dinner. nothing sounds good. in this heat i am not hungry.
in 3 weeks i will be going to get my left eye done. no idea how long i will be on the table for. just hope the dr is able to fix me. then a couple of weeks after that i go back to work if all goes well. i know what to expect but still scares the crap out of me. its my vision after all.
dinner was a cold plate tonight. too hot to turn on the stove. i prefer lighter meals. will have some fruit later and lots more water.
its overcast now so maybe it will start to cool down in the sun room. i think i need a fan in there sometimes. its never this warm for this long. we are in the north and it is usually cool .
watching this movie tonight. lots of family and love and closeness. something i dont have.....
july 1st. another holiday we are not doing anything about. i finished cleaning the birds and got laundry out. planned nothing for dinner as brent is off. he can do something for dinner. for me i am so hot i am not even hungry. just as well i think i have gained 2lbs. my cough has been acting up alot the last couple of days. the pineapple juice is helping though. i am just so tired of being tired. if there was something magic that would give me my energy back i would certainly take it in a heartbeat.
i fall asleep at weird times. i can still sleep at night , like a rock. then there are some nights i cant sleep at all. almost every day i have a hard time staying awake. so to stay awake i dont allow myself to sit for very long in case i fall asleep. but in this heat its hard not to feel sleepy.
even the cats find the heat bad. they are moving around on the tiles looking for a cool one. most of the time i find them in the bathroom trying to cool off somehow.
i am not feeling so inclined to do anything creative lately. i try and knit or do my collage page but it just does not feel joyful. i have things to finish. so i make myself work on the socks. even when its hot. least a row or two. so far i have knit 13 pairs of socks since the end of jan. i will have some new socks for the fall....
wow . its the last day of june. i cant believe it. when i look back on the last 6 months i dont see much so to speak. i have been on med leave since dec. with visions issues and the stress of that my fibro flared up and then it was can i walk issues. i feel like i have not made any progress on anything. though i have been getting rid of things ,it still does not seem like much to me.
the fibro has calmed somewhat. i still have walking issues but at least i dont need my stick inside the house. my arm is feeling better. i bruised it pretty bad when i fell out of bed.
i got some chores done , aviary, and finished the fruit cake loaf. had an involluntary nap. i was typing an fell asleep. one reason i am afraid of driving now. what if all of a sudden i am so tired i just fall asleep at the wheel.
i did a collage page today. it will be too hot later to be in the sunroom. the humidex will be 34c today. it is supposed to be hot like this all week. tomorrow is a holiday and brent wants to go for a picnic, but didnt say what he wants to take for a picnic. what he forgets is i am the one doing all the work to get all this ready. then i am too tired to enjoy it.
seems after a discussion there will be no picnic. my reasoning is not enough time to prepare. so we stay home. i need to get somethings done anyhow, chores mostly . its been so hot now i dont have much energy to do anything. between the heat and the fibro fatigue i am so tired and drained all the time.....
monday monday....beginning of another busy week. today i do banking and some grocery shopping. i have ribs on the stove right now. i found those while looking for something else in the freezer. i have to keep telling brent. we are not buying any meat. we have enough. hence finding the ribs. so ribs and somthing for dinner.
hips are really sore from the walk yesterday. i knew that they would be sore today but went anyways just to get out. will do some walking today but will be careful moving as i dont want to trip or fall. i used a walking stick while out on the trail yesterday. it really helped. something like that really does make one feel older and less able in life.
back now , banking done and some shopping. i did only 3 stops. all i could deal with today. maybe i go out again on thursday. see how i feel. it is my birthday soon. i am not sure i want a cake and all that. if i do i can make one. if not i wont. like i need cake....not. i am not even in the mood to make dinner now....its going to be so hot later too. with it not raining i have to water today. will be doing that later this evening when it might be a little cooler. i hope.
will clean the aviary tomorrow as wont be going out. its getting too hot now to even think about it. i am sure the birds will be ok till tomorrow.
i can still see my kids when they are online on facebook. i sent them a message on fathers day but got no answer. maybe some day that will change. i am sad as my grand daughters birthday is coming up soon too and i wont be able to wish her a happy birthday. i wish i let them know i didnt do this . i love them and want to see them so much.....
i down loaded another blanket pattern last night. i will make it. i am not sure who will get it now. maybe just leave it in my will. i have not talked to any of my nieces or nephews in over 10 yrs. i would not know them if i met them on the street. none of my siblings have bothered to send pictures of them. my sister finally told me she had a 3rd child when he was about 2 yrs old. nice eh. she is my sister and could not be bother to tell me she was going to have a baby. this is the type of family i deal with. i used to send xmas cards with pictures every year to my family. we used to visit at least twice a year. we would stay at my ex's parents house . when i would call to let them know that we were in town they where always too busy. so i gave up and just stopped calling , stopped writing. i used to miss them. not sure how i feel now, empty i guess more than anything. when i say i dont have a family, i really dont anymore. i would imagine my funeral attendance will be pretty sparse if any at all.
today we went for a walk on a forest trail. most of it was flat so generally good walking for me. had to put on long pants in case of ticks. it was good to get out and get away from the house. some days its so depressing here. with the fighting with the neighbours and not being able to see the grandkids i just want to die.
the fight with the neighbours started when he got remarried and his wife decided that she wanted to know where the property line was. so they paid for a survey and all that. ok fine. we moved what we had to and rebuilt the stairs and landing at the top and thought that would be the end of it. but no. they had the survey people out again and we are over the survey line by about 1.5 in in one spot. on top of all that they are willing to go to court over this. i just want to pound the living crap out of them both. they have never spoken to either of us and yet judge on how we have our yard etc. i am so sick of all this . it has been going on now about 2 yrs. probably why i am so depressed most of the time. i have no desire to be here anymore.
i did however spend a little time on my art pages. i spend days forcing myself to do things so i dont sit in my chair all day and do nothing. i made muffins today to use up some bananas and they turned out great. tomorrow i am going to make the fruit cake. i divided the recipe into thirds and will try and make only one loaf. with this heat i dont want to make much more. the frig is never big enough for all i want to make. some days i wish i had a walk in frig.
i think i have sold 3 more birds. a pair and a single to the lady i am getting the bunny from. i am still trying to mark the pair. its always the same one on the nest. i have a couple more days so hopfully i can sort it soon......
i am up early on a saturday. i made coffee and my tea. my pain level is high and i feel sick this morning and now i know why as i hear the thunder booming outside my windows. so a take it easy day and do what i can. i am guessing i dont need to water right now. tomorrow is supposed to be sunny so will do laundry and try and remember to wash the front window then.
every day when i start doing chores i wonder how i will be able to go back to work too. a bonus day is when i dont feel sick. a bonus day is when my pain meds work enough i can do something like go grocery shopping or make a decent dinner. some days just the thought of food makes me feel sick. some foods i just cant eat anymore, like long spaghetti noodles. i cant chew them right anymore. i tend to gravitate towards softer foods now.
we went out today for about an hour. mostly i think to get out. being as brent works from home now i think he is getting cabin fever. i dropped off more donation and didnt bring anything new home. which i thought was a good thing. i will fill up another bag and drop it off on monday when i go out and pay bills.
it has been raining off and on all day. cloudy and then sunny and very humid again. i got one page in my art book done. doing the collage everyday is teaching me alot and to work more outside the box.
weekends are hard as i used to see the grandkids on the weekends. but now i dont i miss them so much. i have not seen them in so long . i am not allowed to talk to them either. so i have no idea if they even remember much of me. i have no family left now...sigh......
yesterday was recovery day. i rested and did what i could with out hurting myself. there is a huge bruise on my arm , from when i fell. i did relax and do a bit of art. i worked on 2 of the shelves and got alot of it sorted.
my cough is better today too. i have to go out . i had not planned on it but have to renew my health card. i hate dealing with anything government. i guess that comes from dealing with the military. anyhow i have to get this done so my eye surgery will be covered. this renewal of my health card involves picture taking like the DMV . i dont like having my picture taken at any time. but in this i dont have a choice.
when i was at the thrift shop on wed i found a gallon container. i am going to buy some goats milk and try and make some cheese. i have all the ingredients in the house anyhow except the milk. so why not try it.
meds taken and breakfast easten time to head out.
well that was not fun. i dont like anything to do with the government. they are always into your back pocket for something. but at least the card is changed over now and no one can yell at me .
time for tea and snack and figure out something for dinner.
i messaged my son as i have been getting some of his mail. i asked what do you want me to do with it. i got no answer. guess i will just toss it in a box. maybe some day i might get an answer. i miss my kids and grandkids so much. i dont know what i did to make them hate me so much.....
well i knew i would be paying for my fall out of bed yesterday morning. i feel like crap. pain everywhere and i am coughing a lot this morning. so i guess its time for some pineapple juice. it helps with my coughing.i think i found the idea online someplace. it does help with in about an hour. the coughing started about 4 years ago. took 2 years to figure out its from acid reflux...part of having fibro. so i take meds for it every day. its just some days are worse then others. my digestion is now very very slow which is how i can go so long without eating . anyhow the pain is bad today , from falling out of bed and all the running around i did .
i found a book on verbal abuse yesterday when i was at the thrift shop. looks like it was never read. it was recommended to me last fall and i found the book title in my wallet when i was looking for something else, so i guess i was ment to find the book yesterday.
there was no time for art yesterday,so maybe today. it was raining and cold and very windy yesterday. good day for errands. the traffic was not bad but waiting in lines everywhere is what took a lot of the time. i found some art supplies for 50% off at micheals. there was no sock yarn to be had there . which really surprised me as there is always sock yarn. i guess with the lock down people have time to knit and craft. there was a lot of empty shelves there like the grocery store.
i am not sure i like going out by myself right now. it was very stressful driving all day and i kept thinking if i have a melt down i dont have a phone to call anyone and kept wondering were do i go what do i do then.
i suffer from bad depression now. worse since the acute development of severe signs of fibro. i think i have had the depression since grade school when i was bullied so bad. over time is had gotten worse and worse. the verbal abuse i suffered from my ex certainly has not helped my mental health at all. i am on meds for it but wonder some days if they really help. i never skip them though.
floor is washed now and i have a bit of time to write while i wait for it to dry and try and think of something for dinner. maybe i just take something out for brent and leave it at that. i am not wanting to spend a whole lot of time in the kitchen today. i did however buy the things needed to make the fruit cake again.
with it being much cooler today i will do some work on the bookselves and add more things to the donate box.....