I remember being a child. Not a ton but, some. I remember watching the adults and thinking, “I can’t wait until I’m old enough to do that, until I was”!
I remember my mom making us awesome Hopscotch boards and we’d play twice and then say we were done! She’d get aggravated and say, “Just enjoy, you’re only a kid once”. We’d roll our eyes!
Easter would come and we’d get all of our outside toys. Bikes, marbles, bubbles, rollerbladers, hula hoops and so much more and yup after about an hour we’d had enough! Why? Because we wanted to be grown up and having fun!
Go play hide and seek she’d say! All the kids in the neighborhood would get together to play and yup an hour and done. Why weren’t we satisfied with childhood? Why did we wish it away? I so wish I didn’t. I’d never dream that “adulting” would go quite like it has! Let me share what adulting has done for me!
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The significance of this photo are not just the people in which is my daughter Alyson, my best-friend Chip and his future Bride, Angela. They had a very scary experience at 4:30am and it’s really making me think!
So at 4:30am my friend Chip heard some noise from his kitchen! He’s got a cat which you’ll see in one of the photos but, he knew it wasn’t the cat. This was much bigger! He peeked out of his bedroom and it was a naked human that was covered in blood!
Chip immediately told Angela to stay in the bedroom and to call 911 and she did! Chip sprang into action and he’s just had knee surgery but, adrenaline is amazing! In 3 steps he was in the exact spot that my header photo was taken and he was on top of a naked man that was covered in blood! The man had pushed this AC unit out of the window and that’s how he gained entry to the home!
The man was on the ground and putting up a fight but, Chip put his surgical knee in his back and kept him on the floor as Angela stayed in the bedroom on the phone with 911!
( here’s the cat )
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My phone dings. It’s a text. I’m down today. Don’t know why but, I am. I’ve cried. I’ve cried for my mom, my son and probably even me. Sometimes I just wish things would slow down. I’m beat.
I had something incredible happen yesterday on Cinnamonvideo and I wanted to share my experience with all of you! No, it didn’t start pretty but, the ending is beautiful! So come along and I’ll fill you in!
Yesterday on Cinnamonvideo Riley put up a wonderful video about the Boost program. Something nobody ever talks about! As she says it’s, “Taboo”! Well, I responded to her video because it was so well done and I have my own feelings on the topic and I wanted to chime in. When doing so my my articulation was off and I offended someone. That’s what brings me to this blog today. I never want to offend the people that I respect but, all I have is a keyboard and wording things correctly can be hard and you only have a keyboard to try to fix it!
So I feel like we live in a world now where 90% of communication is done behind a keyboard. It doesn’t matter if it’s your phone for texting your closest friends and family or on social media with people that you’ve never met but, have developed some kind of bond with. I find that there’s 1 HUGE problem with that and that is that there’s no emotion In texting or writing on the computer! None. Zero. Zip!
I’ve bad days where I’m just in a mood and no matter what comes across my text messages I take it according to my mood. Does that make sense? If I’m in a good mood then I’m going to read that message and probably take it just fine and probably the way it was intended to be taken. If I’m in a bad mood and my spirits are down my brain will put it’s own twist on it and somehow I can take a “probably” nice text and make it a negative one. Again, lack of emotion In writing! The one thing that we have to save us is “emojis”. Oh gosh. Did I just say that? YES, I did because it’s true! I’m guilty. I use them all of the time so the person I’m writing knows what my mindset is when I’m writing. If I’m happy 😃 that’s what they get, If I’m sad 😞 that’s what they get and if I’m mad 😡 they will probably get just that! Of course my favorite one is this ♥️! Sure that’s all good but, this still bothers me because that’s not good communication!
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He looks at me. He’s beautiful. I thank GOD that he put him in my life. The butterflies dance in my belly. I smile, he doesn’t. Something’s wrong! Oh no! What’s wrong? Oh, I know...I look at his eyes. They are empty. They are looking through me. He’s got pinpoint pupils and a tear slips out of my eye..he is my son and the devil has taken him back!
My son and I share a disease. No, it’s not diabetes it’s not Cancer either. You see we share a disease that doesn’t have a medical cure. We are our own cure and at times we aren’t enough. A disease that’s cunning, baffling and powerful. One that wants us dead. Mine tried to take me the other day but, I fought back! I WANT to live, I don’t want to die! I hate this disease more than I’ve ever hated anything in my life. Why my son? He was so perfect. He was a soldier, a straight A student, a wonderful son, brother and grandson. WHY HIM GOD? Why?
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I want to start by saying Happy Father’s Day to all of the fathers that are reading my blog! My story is slightly different so I feel compelled to share! I have a “STEP-UP” Father! It makes him extra special. He didn’t have to but, he did!
When I was the tender age of 5 and looking like THIS..👇🏻👇🏻
My mom decided to introduce my brother and I to the man she was dating, Tim! The only thing I liked about him was the fact that he was a, Police-officer and he gave me a ride in the police car! Ok! That was a ..WIN in my eye’s! He also came with 2 kids of his own. 2 boys! They were pretty cool too! They didn’t seem to mind sharing. They called him dad and I called him Tim!
Time passed and we moved in with him. Slowly he started to grow on me. He was good to my brother and I but, of course it’s a confusing time because our “other family” split up. That was hard but, my mom and Tim gave us the emotional support we needed.
In the above photo I was just turning 7 and by then I had formed a bond with “Tim” and he became, “Dad”! It wasn’t a forced thing. My brother and I were both told that we could call him dad but, we didn’t have to! After 2 years he truly became my dad. In my heart, mind and soul. I watched him with his kids that came on the weekends and I knew that he treated my brother and I the exact same. He was our “DAD” too!
( Now THAT’S a dedicated father..sporting his favorite child LOL )
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So I’m one of those people that always said what I felt you wanted to hear because I wanted to make you happy. My own happiness meant nothing to me. Something happened when my mom passed away. I came into my voice. I know why. It’s because she was, “OUR” voice and now she’s gone. Now it’s my turn to use my voice and be heard. Even if it’s not what you want or hear.
I spent many years being the people pleaser. I could. My mom enabled me to. She knew I didn’t like confrontation so true mother style, she did it for me. I’d articulate my feelings to her and she’d say them out loud because quite frankly she wasn’t looking for friends. She never felt like she was going to explode because she kept something important inside because she’d just say it! I admired her for that. I spent my whole life depending on my moms voice but, then she was gone! Who was going to “say it”? Who’s advocate my thoughts and feelings that made me to uncomfortable to say? Oh, ME! Wow. That was so hard at first!
During this time of mass stress with cops killing people, people turning against the innocent cops I decided I had to use my voice. That’s what my mom would do so that’s what I did. I was fully aware that I wasn’t going to make everyone happy but, I made myself happy because it goes along with not being a people pleaser anymore. All very important things for a Healthy life for me! I made a video. I expressed how I felt about children being trained to call Police-Officers “piggies”! My 29 year old son begged me not to post it. He said they’d eat me alive and I said,
“That’s ok son because I stand behind what I say”! I’m not staying with the masses and just being silent. If you’re silent then you’re not heard!
I believe this is true and to be honest I side with all sides. I believe in people being good humans and making good decisions! Period. It doesn’t matter what your job or your role in life. Just be a good human. It can be trying at times but, it’s worth it. I side with the Police-Officers that have done nothing wrong yet are being hung out to dry and I side with anyone “accused” of a crime and are brutalized by the police. If I don’t SAY that then you don’t know where I stand!
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I wasn’t going to blog today but, I have to. It’s not that I have to but, I need to. It’s not that I need to but, I want to. Yes, this is my brain this morning. Thoughts swirling, confusion, a little down and I’m thinking of none other than..a DRINK! 11:13am and my mind who knows I haven’t had a drink in almost 17 years is telling me all the reasons why I CAN have a drink. I’m going to remind it why I can’t! I own my disease and therefore I must keep it in check. My life depends on it!
I woke today just like every other day of my life. Michael is at my bedside saying, “It’s 8:30 and I need to eat”! Immediately my brain thinking, “AGAIN” ugh and I roll out of bed already carrying a resentment! Is it Michael’s fault that he’s got to eat? Ummm, NO! Don’t we do this everyday? Ummm, YA but, you see I have a disease and that disease is called alcoholism. I’m an alcoholic and my disease would love to see me dead! It’s waiting around every corner and most definitely when you least expect it. So what makes today different than all the other days that I get up to feed Michael? I’ll tell you. I’m lacking some self-care. I’m HALT-H-Hungry, A-Angry, L-Lonely or T-Tired! It’s my job to figure this out but, first I must OUT myself! I have to tell 2 people, yes 2 that I actually thought of drinking today. That’s the 1st way to take power away from this disease! Don’t keep secrets. Don’t sit alone with your disease because then it’s winning! I’ve kind of felt this coming on after seeing a post on Facebook. It was a glass of Watermelon wine with chunks of watermelon and ice. That’s what started this downward spiral! I thought I had a good handle on it until..this morning!
I can’t drink. I can’t drink because I make poor decisions when I do drink! I don’t know when to stop, I engage in risky behaviors that just aren’t safe and I made a promise to myself and my children almost 17 years ago that I just wouldn’t drink. Taking that a little further. When I was saying goodbye to my children as I left for rehab I promised them that if I ever relapsed that as soon as I was sober I’d go to them, look them in the eyes and tell them that I drank. Something I’ve never had to do yet and something I don’t want to do!
Taking care of my thoughts is one of the most important things I can do. I always say that my head can be one of the worst neighborhoods around. That’s why I don’t do well when I’m alone. I get all caught up in my head and who knows where that will take me! I keep my alone time to a minimal. It seems slightly immature but, I have to do what I have to do to stay sober! At all cost. It’s the most important thing in my life. If I’m not sober then I have nothing. I wouldn’t be a trusted wife, mother and certainly not a trusted grandmother and god knows I live for my grandchildren! If I was the drunk that I was then being around them wouldn’t be an option. This is why I can’t drink!
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I’m going to bring you on a journey. Michael prior to the diagnosis of Cancer on March 10, 2020, to the worst treatment ever and where we are now! We’ve got some recovering to do but, the hardest part is over besides some pain, lots of recovery and waiting to be retested at the end of July or beginning of August! The waiting game! We’ve got this! The hardest part is over!
This is where our journey took it’s massive turn during treatment! If Michael never got treatment he never would have gotten so sick but, his Cancer has a 98% cute rate! How can you say no to that? Yes, though you’re in for the ride of your life, literally and the Doctors do tell you some of that! For $5.00. Month you can subscribe and see how far down this treatment brought us but, slowly but surely we are taking our lives back! Subscribed to Coil and never miss a thing!
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I Wished it Away!
