pattyb09952203

Signs! WOW! I was thinking about signs today for reasons I will explain in my blog! Signs come in all shapes, sizes and ways! Let me explain in this blog!

Today was a “special” day for our family! Today my husband started the TRUE fight for his life with starting his Cancer treatment! It’s extremely unfortunate that he’s got Cancer but, even worse he was diagnosed on March 10th..the beginning of what turns out to be a Pandemic! Life as we knew it is gone! My husband has to do his treatment..ALONE!

My heart breaks over this. I don’t want him alone, sitting with his thoughts and sad. So I decided to spring into action because I couldn’t sit alone and sad with my thoughts anymore! Emotional pain is a huge motivator for me!

I talked to all of our children, grandchildren, family and friends and I told them I really wanted to do something special! I wanted to make Michael’s 1st trip to treatment one he’d never forget! Most importantly though I wanted him to know that even though he has to go to treatment alone, he wasn’t alone!

All of a sudden my ideas started growing and the children started sharing ideas as well! This little dream seemed possible! The photos of the signs that the children would hold on the hospital route started rolling in! This is what I saw!

Oh my heart ♥️..then this...

Well done Alyson!! She used her dads love of poker in the sign from Mason..AKA- Bam-Bam! That’s Pow-pows name for him! On to the next..

Our granddaughter Kayla! All LOVE! So much love and Lord knows I LOVE, LOVE♥️!

Is this man loved or what? Yes, I know I’ve said love so many times in this blog but, this blog is full of love and that’s what Michael needs right now! Now and always but, so much more right now!

THIS is incredible and let me tell you why! I blocked Michael from a Facebook post and it was saying what our plans were for today. This SIGN came from a complete stranger! Yes, we’ve never seen her in our lives. She’s a stage 4 Cancer SURVIVOR! Not only was she standing along the route to the hospital, she showed up at the hospital and presented Michael with this sign and her words of hope, inspiration and love! It moved us all to tears! Wow! A stranger no more! So touching!

Now I’m going to share another sign. This by far was the most incredible sign! Michael has shared that he had a daughter Meagan who passed away after a tragic car accident at the age of 17. Her only full sister was standing in front of the church with her sign! This is what happened next...

Just amazing! To me that’s a sign that Meagan was there! Erin being her only full sister from Michael’s 1st marriage to find it just spoke loud and clear! “I’m here daddy, I’m here”! I’ll believe it until the day I die!

Life is full of signs. We just have to have our eyes open and be ready to receive them! I’ve desperately been waiting for signs from my mother but, not yet. She hasn’t been gone even 6 months yet so I’ll wait, patiently. They’ll come because I believe 🙏🏻♥️

Thank you everyone that was part of our journey today! It’s a journey we will never forget and we choose to look at it in a positive light! Here’s a sign about the XRP community! Some of the most AMAZING people on this earth, literally! Check this out..

Life is so good today and many signs proved it! Onward and upward ♥️

On April 8th I posted a blog called “Check yourself” please! Now it’s April 10th and I wanted to give you an update! It’s only right! I want to share our progress in just 2 short days! Come along! It’s MUCH better now!

Wow! Communication! It’s wonderful isn’t it? It’s always been a key part of raising my children and having successful relationships! When my children were younger we had family meetings. Yes, we were “that family” but, it always seemed to work. Michael and I could call a family meeting on the children and yes, they could call one on us and yes, they did. My favorite one that the kids called was by our daughter Alyson. She called a meeting on Michael and I to say we went to bed to early. She wanted us up with her a little later. Sweet right? Hey, no problem. We did it and she was happy! We always ended a family meeting with a hug, kiss and I “I love you”!

We always listened and that was what was more important! Hearing the problem that was presented. Everything was always great after a family meeting. That’s what they were for! Oh, they were mandatory when called by any family member!

On April 8th Michael and I had to go back to basics! We were bombing out big time due to fear and frustration! I’m so glad that he followed me to the back deck and we got to sit and talk. We came up with “Check yourself”, please and it’s been a huge success! Now you might be thinking it’s only been 2 days but, I can tell you the “Pre-diagnosis” Patty is back and the “pre-diagnosis” Michael is back! We love each other way to much for it to be any other way!

We had lost everything except for the love and that didn’t work for us! We wanted the patience’s, understanding, communication and kindness back so we sprang into action! This was a download spiral and it was spiraling, fast! We sat outside and we talked and talked and talked and finally found our solution. We didn’t know if it would work but, we sure were going to try!

He’s worth it to me and I’m worth it to him!

I feel if Michael and I didn’t take the time to talk through our situation I’d be sitting in my bedroom at my parents, crying. I can’t live without this man but, I can’t live being unhappy either. Well, not that being away would make me happy!

Communication makes us stronger and it was proved yet again on April 8th! Since my major meltdown and our brutally honest chat, life has been wonderful! We are once again so mindful of how we Speak to one another. Works like a charm every time! I’m so confident that this conversation worked so well that I’m willing to share it in a blog just 2 days later!

I urge anyone that’s in a relationship who’s struggling to talk it out. Don’t just talk though, listen! Listen to what your partner has to say because it’s so important that they be heard. It’s also so important that they hear you!

Actions speak louder than words. I’ve watched the way that Michael and I interact since my blowup and when we walk past one another...we touch hands, reach for a hug or just say, “I love you”!

Mindset is so huge! If you want to fix it then I feel you must own your part and work on it. I was being snappy and short and so was he.

We are scared and that’s alright. This is scary. The thing we must never forget is we are on the same team and are praying for the same outcome! I hope if you have a significant other and you’re struggling, for whatever reason you can find it within yourself to admit your faults, apologize, talk it out, check yourself and move along! That’s what we did and we are happier than ever!

Not going to say that we won’t have good days and bad days but, I promise you that we will work through them no matter what because we are blessed with communication! I hope you all are too! Thank you for the feedback to my 1st blog, “Check yourself” please

This is love that can’t be broken and I hope you ALL feel a love like THIS 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻! It’s amazing. Michael and I are going to be just fine because no Cancer can take that from us! We love you all and thank you for the love and support....♥️♥️

I’m sure we will be using “Check Yourself” and I’m super glad we have that tool now! Life is scary right now but, WE are back to where we need to be!

Well, this blog is going a gut wrenching honest blog about my life as the wife of a man newly diagnosed husband with Cancer. I had no idea how much our lives would change on March 10th..diagnosis day! I want to share with hopes of helping someone else that might be in this position!

Where oh where did my sweet husband go? He seems to have disappeared! Despite me looking for him I just can’t seem to find him! It’s frustrating but, of course understandable! This Cancer diagnosis has changed EVERY aspect of our lives. Every!

I feel like I’m living in a dream. Not a nightmare but, nothing seems real to me. I’ve been blessed with a man who’s been so loving, kind, considerate, understanding and patient. Something that Cancer has robbed us of and I’m not happy about this!

My poor love has been struggling emotionally with his diagnosis and of course I’m right by his side. He’s now so short, snappy, angry and unhappy! Again, not his fault! This is scary stuff! I’m scared too! I try to never lose focus but, yesterday my cup runneth over and I lost it!

I was going to pay Michael a huge compliment as a blogger to another family member and he cut me off mid sentence and became very defensive! I lost it. The calm, cool, collective Patty just snapped! I’ve always been so proud of the fact that in 15 years of marriage Michael and I never had a real fight! We love each other so much and there’s no doubt about that! Cancer took everything but the love from us! Did I mention that I’m not very happy about it? Fear is so powerful and I try not to stay in it because it’s bound to cause a ton of problems. When you’re diagnosed with Cancer I don’t know if you can get away from the fear! Your dreams, your goals, your hopes, wishes and life are ON THE LINE! Who wouldn’t be afraid of that? My poor love!

After our episode yesterday I went out to my deck and I cried! I didn’t just cry I sobbed! Why doesn’t he see I’m his biggest cheerleader? Is anything I do right anymore? He used to love me so much but, now I’m so confused, I do anything and everything for him and I’m just not good enough”! That’s how I felt anyways! I do want to say that I am grateful that he’s here with me to act this way even if it makes me unhappy at times. I’m so grateful to just HAVE my husband! I always keep this in my heart!

Michael came out to find me sobbing and I was also messaging with Dutchy at the time. Dutchy and I are blessed with a very good and open relationship and he will tell me EXACTLY what I don’t want to hear! “Patty, he can’t fight the cancer yet so he’s fighting, YOU! “Patty, soon he’s going to be in the hospital all of the time getting treatment and then he won’t fight you because he’s fighting CANCER”! Why is Dutchy always right? I don’t know but, I’m very grateful that he tells me what I don’t want to hear! Love you Dutchy!

After Dutchy and I talked and Michael and I talked we agreed that we both were the problem! We are both scared, confused, quarantined and did I mention scared? Living through a cancer diagnosis is not for the faint of heart. It’s evil and it will flip your whole world! I’m grateful that Michael and I both can admit our faults and come to an agreement on moving forward! We don’t want to hurt one another. He’s my world and I’m his.

We’ve come up with a new system and it’s called, “Check yourself”! If Michael feels I’m coming at him rudely or negatively he can call a “Check yourself” on me and promptly I have to take 20 seconds to think about what I was about to say! If it’s something nice I can proceed and if it’s not then I must stop immediately! This is also true for him! If I feel he’s being anything but, loving and kind I can call a “Check yourself”! I like it and hey maybe someone else will want to use this too! I’m grateful that we were able to talk it out and come up with this!

Look at this 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻! This IS love! This is the love of my life but, this is love who’s been invaded by the evil cancer! Cancer will not take him and Cancer will not break us! We will come out stronger and closer than ever! I know this in my heart! This blog was not written for sympathy nor to expose Michael but, we had decided to share our Cancer journey and this is part of it. This was done with Michael’s permission!

Prior to the Corona Virus when someone’s diagnosed with Cancer the Cancer center sets you up with a counselor. The give the patient one and the spouse one because Cancer truly changes all aspects of your life. They help you cope with the changes and give you suggestions to help with situations that might come up! I will utilize this service once we are free to go to the hospital with our loved ones. I can’t wait. I always want to do the right thing for my love, I always want to make him feel better and I always want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem!

Today’s been a wonderful day and I’m very grateful for that! I have a emotional hangover and I just love the peace, love and understanding that we have today! We haven’t had to call a “check yourself” even once! So wonderful!

Today you ALL are my therapist. Just getting it out helps so much! So thanks for reading and I’m looking so forward to the better days to come! In the meantime I will, “Check myself” ♥️

So with Easter fastly approaching we’ve heard a lot of “What are we going to do for Easter”? I’ve talked to people that are so stressed sad and filled with anxiety! We are NOT going to let the Corona Virus ruin our Easter! We’re not gonna take it!

So the day after Easter is going to be life changing for our family! It’s going to be the day that Michael starts his treatment for Cancer! Isn’t that wonderful? We will begin to fight the demon! I’m so looking forward to this! We can’t get better if we don’t have treatment! Enough said! We are going to embrace this Easter and make the best of it! I’ll share what we have in store!

Mason is 2 ½ years old and “No-Bunny” or virus is going to take away his Easter! We had to get creative and that’s fine with us! We’ve had so much fun going through photos and videos from our previous Easters and I’m going to share them in my blog! My header is my favorite! Fynn Michael was SO angry with the Easter Bunny! Not that it was funny BUT, it was funny! That’s why I wanted to share it with all of you! He did get a beautiful basket and all was well after the traumatic incident with the Bunny 🐰!

This is also the very 1st Easter without my mom! That leaves my step-dad home alone! We can’t have that but, we also can’t have him in our home! So what are we going to do? We are going to have our 1st annual Easter BBQ 🍗! How cool! Right?

We will have my step-dad come over and we will BBQ and eat outside! I mean as long and he’s 6 feet away it’s all good! I just can’t leave him sitting home alone! My heart can’t take it! Problem solved! I’m always up for something new and a Easter BBQ..well..why not?

This picture was taken on Mason’s 1st Easter! He’s sitting with my mom and if you look at his finger...ya, that’s what he says to the Corona virus! We sure will miss mom this year but, we must still celebrate! She’d want us to ♥️🙏🏻

We ordered everything that we needed and the Easter Egg hunt will happen! Unfortunately we will be missing Fynn and Remi but, because of the Corona virus they’ve been sent to Andrea’s mothers home because it’s just safer! Adam and Andrea ( The parent’s ) are both frontline workers! GOD bless them ♥️

So if you find yourself anxious, stressed or sad about Easter just think outside of the box! I mean we could have cooked the “traditional” Easter dinner and served it outside but, doing the BBQ seemed so much neater! If we are going to switch it up we are going to go “ALL THE WAY”! It will be an Easter to remember! Have you ever put your basket on your head? Mason thought it was a fond idea! Mason loves hats and will make one out of anything he can find!

I hope everyone can figure out a way to enjoy this Holiday and please remember that this isn’t forever! Next year we all will be back to our traditional Easters and I’m sure we will be laughing about Michael beating Cancer and our 1st annual Easter BBQ! Something I’m truly looking forward to! If you have something new you’ve figured out for Easter I’d love if you shared the idea with me! It’s fun to see how creative people can be! No matter what just enjoy your family, be safe and know you’re loved..Happy Early Easter 🐣 Everyone!

Happy Sunday eveyone! Happy? YA! I’m happy today! Maybe you wonder why I’m happy with everything on our plate so I’m going to share it with you! Check this out!

I’ve had a LOT of time to think during the Corona Virus pandemic and I’m sure you have too. I’ve been thinking about the newest journey that Michael and I have been handed! I mean my mom and dad haven’t even been gone for 6 months and BOOM 💥...We hear the dreaded words of “You’ve got CANCER”! WHY ME? WHY US? WHY, WHY, WHY??? Let me tell you WHY!!

This Cancer journey isn’t about US at all! Well, you know that arrogant thinking can get in the way but, we won’t let it, anymore! This isn’t about US, it never was about US but, it’s about who we can HELP in the future! WOW! GOD has that much faith in US!

Michael and I have been given a mission. Yes, he’s going to go through a lot but, he’s got someone next to him that will take care of his every whim! Does everyone have that? Absolutely NOT but, Michael does so therefore GOD knew it was safe to hand Michael this diagnosis! It’s all part of a plan! It’s huge in the big picture and we are blessed!

We can sit in the “whoa is me” but, where’s that going to get us? Absolutely nowhere’s and I don’t want to go there! Our live revolves around helping others and so does Michael’s BUT, we can’t “truly” help someone if we haven’t lived through it ourselves! Right?

We are warriors! I’m not going to pretend that we felt this way all along. It was a process and it did take a lot of thinking but, in the end we KNOW that this was not for nothing! We have been handed a mission and we will do the right thing with it!

Why me? Why not me!! I believe with every ounce of me that WE were handed this because our Higher Power KNOWS that in the end we won’t just sit on this information, he knows that we will educate others and he knows we will love others through a very hard situation!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared, a little nervous and even a little upset but, with being able to think it through I’ve finally come to my realization! We are BLESSED! So we will struggle through this battle, come out stronger and spend the rest of our days helping people that need our help! This will always be important to US!

Today I chooses happiness over fear! Today I choose to think positive and not negative, today I will embrace our journey and will look forward to the end when our REAL mission begins! Thank you for all the love and support! Your love and support helped get me to where I am today!

Our beautiful granddaughter turned 1 today 🎂💞..and Papa will be here for many MORE Birthdays! Today we can’t celebrate Remi-girl because of the Corona Virus but, we will and in the meantime we will celebrate each day that we are blessed with!

I know everyone has their own religious beliefs and that’s great. Michael and I have a Higher Power and we choose to call him, “GOD”! I respect whatever your religion beliefs are and I hope you’ll give us the same respect! Thank you all ♥️🙏🏻

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

Well, here we are again with another blog about the Corona virus but, today I can’t resist! I’ve been staying away from it but, something’s must be talked about and this is 1 of them!

My phone rings this morning and it’s my step-father! I hear a certain urgency in his voice and I can tell he’s a bit frazzled! I’m like, “Dad..what’s wrong? Is everything alright”? He answered me with something I totally wasn’t expecting!! He said to me, “Patty, lock your doors your brother is coming your way”! Hmmm, strange. Don’t usually lock the door when someone comes, we go on the porch and practice social distancing! The Doctor told us that that’s alright! Today was different though and I’m going to tell you why!

My very own brother who doesn’t have a great understanding of the Corona virus was out getting a haircut! WAIT!! WHAT? A haircut? Who would be cutting his hair though? His barber had to close down! I mean that’s what Governor Cumo said anyways! My step-dad proceeds to tell me, “You’re right Patty the Governor did order all of the barber shops, beauty salons and Manicure and pedicure places to close! Yes, it’s sad but, the Government decided to give them $600 a WEEK in unemployment so that helps a lot!

Apparently that’s not enough for my brothers barber because he’s decided to take peoples lives into his own hands and keep business going as usual..AT HIS HOME! WAIT!! WHAT?? Corona virus is getting worse here and we are weeks away from the peak! How can this barber feel good about himself? I know we all need money but, is it worth risking people’s lives? Does he think doing this on the “DL” ( down low at his HOME is a better option)?

My brother wanted to come see Baby-Mason after his haircut 😳!! He swiftly was told that he can’t come and he was so offended! How could he possibly put this beautiful face at risk?

How could he put the love of my life, who has cancer and is such high risk in jeopardy?

There’s been a LOT of bad decisions made through this Corona virus but, this is one of the worst I’ve heard and it’s my very own brother violating the rules! He means no harm but, he’s making decisions that can essentially kill people!

Some don’t know how to think something through. My brother is a perfect example! He thinks like this, “So I went to Nate’s for a haircut, Nate washed his hands, Nate washed his hands again so all is well”! He doesn’t think about the multiple people that Nate saw before HIM!

I did my part! I’m not shy or embarrassed to admit it but, I went through the proper channels to turn Nate in!! If I don’t then who’s going to? If I don’t will the Corona virus ever go away? NOOO! It won’t!

Today I sat at home while my husband sat with another new Doctor. A Dr. that will be treating his cancer and yes, he was ALONE! He’s going to continue to be alone because of guys like NATE! My advice to you is, “DON’T BE A NATE”!

People that are worried about Easter shopping, STOP! It’s only 1 YEAR ( if you stop being a Nate )! The children will survive without Easter baskets, bikes and chocolates that they don’t need! Reschedule Easter or honor it for what it TRULY is and that’s a Religious Holiday! Celebrate Christ rising! Have a beautiful dinner with the family that is with you but, please don’t go Easter shopping in the stores! This IS life or death! Is it worth it? I hardly think so!

I’m sorry everyone but, I’m frustrated, my husband is frustrated and scared. If you stay home then he won’t have to do this alone! I promise you with every ounce of me that I will protect YOU by staying home if you will protect me and my family!

I know it’s hard. I know people are going crazy but, the sooner we accept this and play by the rules the sooner we get our lives back!

I said I wouldn’t write about the Corona virus but, I did! We NEED to know that there’s STILL people out there cutting hair at home and not following the rules. I’m no prude BUT, I’ll do anything to protect US and that means ALL OF US!

I love you all and please stay safe. Please stay in unless you have an appointment or need essential items. This won’t last forever if we just do the right thing..NOW!

Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, wear a mask if you can and please don’t make any unnecessary trips out! If you happen to be a “NATE” I urge you to STOP 🛑 because if you don’t and I find out I will turn you in! It’s my job to save a life and it’s your job too!

This is the airport the other day when our nephew flew home! I can’t wait until it’s better than THIS ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻!

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

All photos are mine!

As everyone knows Michael and I have had a tough go! There’s one shining star and all of this and she’s far more than just a new pet, she’s our therapy! Paige Kathleen has already blessed us in so many ways! Let me share how!

I woke up the other day and I reach for my phone. I have to call my mom because Michaels cancer is REALLY on my...wait..mom...mom...MOMMMM... ugh she’s gone. She went to heaven on October 23rd 2019! Darn it..I REALLY need her! I can’t change it though and the tears start pouring. My moms gone 😌!

( My mom, Fynn and I )

I look to my left and there sits this beautiful ball of fur and she’s just looking at me! I imagine she’s thinking, “Oh wow. My human mom is doing something I’ve never seen before”! I walk over and pick her up and I bury my face in her fur and I cry. She lays there for ¾ of a second and then stands and starts licking my tears away. Wow. What a girl. Now who doesn’t giggle over puppy kisses? Who doesn’t love puppy breath? She’s not just my pet she’s my therapy!

Paige came at a very strange time in our lives but, when we decided to get her we didn’t have the diagnosis of cancer and we certainly weren’t dealing with Corona virus! I was worried that Paige would feel the negative vibes but, she’s just as happy as can be!

It’s amazing to me how much comfort our beloved pets bring us! On our worst days she’s our ray of sunshine 🌞! When we are all caught up in our heads thinking about this massive journey we are on.. she’ll start biting a cord and redirect us! Gotta get the puppy. No time to sit and dwell! She’s busy and I mean all of the time!

Just look at her! She’s got no clue that at times she’s the only thing that can make us smile with her silly playing! We truly were blessed to have this little girl enter our life when she did! She’s such a pretty princess!

Paige will spend many of days on this bed with her human daddy. She won’t even think twice about it because daddy will be sick and they are so loyal! She will be the cancer fighting buddy! The one Michael can hold and love when things get to be to much for him, mentally or physically! Me being all germy and junk isn’t the best choice!

Blessings come in all different shapes and sizes and Paige is most definitely one of them. I’m so glad that she picked US to be her human parents! For this we are blessed! She’s already performing a job in this family and she doesn’t even know it. She’s making us smile, keeping us on our toes and helping us keep the Faith beautiful we know we have to get through this because we have a beautiful baby to raise. For now it’s nap time. Sleep well Princess Paige 💕

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

All photos are my own. Thank GOD she’s OURS ☺️!

PEOPLE! Oh gosh I love people! I love almsot all people but, there’s some people that just aren’t healthy enough to keep around and in my growth journey I’m learning that it’s alright to let them go!

WOW...those words that I just wrote are shocking to me! I always thought you had to keep everyone, no matter what because you don’t want to hurt them..even when they hurt you! I’ve always been a little surprised about that personality trait with myself because my mother was nothing like that! If you wronged her.. she was done. That was it! You didn’t get a chance to hurt her a 2nd time! I thought she was so “mean” but, really she was just taking care of herself! I didn’t give her credit for how wise she was!

I’m that person that you could stomp all over and I’d keep taking you back. Why you wonder? People. I just love them! It used to be that someone would do me wrong and I’d just ignore it and pretend it never happened. I’d be just as good to them after I found out how they did me wrong. Confrontation wasn’t my thing but, I think it’s important to confront situations and deal with them head on now. I’ve changed a lot since my mom passed away!

It’s not ok for anyone to disrespect you, it’s not ok for someone to act one way to your face and then speak ill of you behind your back and it’s certainly not ok to take advantage of someone’s kindness! If you have someone doing that to you in your life then I’d say confront the situation! You don’t have to be rude and nasty. You can be a mature adult but, advocating for yourself is very healthy and honestly you feel a lot better after rather than when you just ignore it. It’s alright to take care of yourself and that includes your mental health. Nobody is important enough to “rent space” in your head! Nobody! You’re worth more than that!

You can’t change anyone but, yourself and that’s a fact. If someone acts a certain way their whole life then don’t plan on being the one that makes them a nicer, kinder or more loving person! You can’t! You don’t have that power. You can’t change anyone. Only yourself! Keep that in mind so if you’re trying you don’t beat yourself up when you don’t succeed! It wasn’t your job to begin with!

I have learned so much lately how much other people’s opinions of me don’t matter! You’re entitled to think and feel the way you want about me or anyone and nobody can take that away. So you decide if you stick around or hit the road! A very personal decision! My whole life used to depend on how people felt about me. It gave me validation and I felt I needed it. That’s long gone! Thank GOD! That was a huge and I mean huge step in learning to take care of myself!

I’ve learned that the very people that would try to bring me down were already miserable! I didn’t bring it to them or put it on them because I treat people well. I don’t ever try to cause anyone emotional pain. It’s not something I could live with but, I also won’t co-sign anyone’s BS! It’s theirs to OWN!

I’m at a point in my life where I do have to be selective about who’s in my life. I’ve got a lot going on and I must stay focused. I have no time for drama, I have no time for negativity, I don’t have any time for unkind people and I certainly can’t afford to let anyone into my head! I’m in a uphill battle with my husband fighting the demon, CANCER! It takes up 85% of my time! You can bet the remaining 15% is going to be spent on people that treat me well, people that respect me as I do them and healthy people! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! I need to stay positive and focused!

This is what I want to end with 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻!

When someone presents as if they don’t care then do believe them and keep on marching. I’ve wasted so much valuable time trying to make sure that everyone liked me, on trying to fix miserable people and trying to make everyone happy! I’m so happy to say now that it’s “NOT MY JOB”! It never was but, I made it mine. Live life and be happy. Focus on the most important things and let the other things go. If you lose someone then it was probably for a good reason. Chalk it up as a lesson and march on! Life is way to short my friends and I don’t know about you but, I know I want to be as happy as I can when life allows it ♥️

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

I’m going to share in the locked section the personal life experience that brought me to this blog today! For $5.00 a month you don’t have to miss anything we write!

Is it ok to fall in this life? Is it ok to admit defeat from time to time? Can we have a day where we just can’t do it and don’t? Is it ok to not always be strong? I say, “OF COURSE IT IS”! Today is one of those days and I am down BUT, I will rise again and keep on fighting!

Friday March 27th, the day before Fynn’s 5th Birthday our phone rings at 3pm. It’s the Doctor, again! Michael had a Cat-scan this morning because something lit up in his stomach on the PET-scan from the other day. He had bleeding ulcers years ago and we chalked it up to that until..the phone rang! This guy..the Dr. he’s driving me crazy! He’s constantly dropping things into our laps that we just don’t need right now but, I guess that’s his job! Now we have to learn a whole new word and learn all about that. Boy has our vocabulary changed so much since March 10th, our diagnosis day. The new word is “Duodenum”. Let me share what we’ve learned about it since 3pm!

Well, the test this morning showed the Dr. that this area is also “sick”. He explained that he was going to EXPEDITE ( oh we don’t like THAT word because that makes it super serious) a Upper GI because we really need to start Cancer treatment! Oh gosh. Yes, I know that we’ve already got throat cancer and neck cancer so it shouldn’t be a shock but, it was.

Michael throws a phone and I begin to cry and In a split second we just lost it! This cancer stuff is so scary and now we’ve got more to worry about along with more test and new Doctors! Is this EVER going to end? Well, OF COURSE it is because we are going to beat this! We fell, we cried, we looked at each other with shock and confusion and my husband said, “I’m going to die”! He said it. The “D” word! That was it for me! Oh HECK no we aren’t! Time to get myself back up!

My goal as Michaels wife and caregiver is to keep him positive, keep his appointments made and straight, communicate with family to keep them informed and to keep myself together so I can do all of those things but, I fell! I’m slowly pulling myself back up by writing this blog. I was slightly upset with myself for falling but, I realized it’s alright as long as you follow this rule 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

Nobody can be strong all of the time, nobody can keep it together 24/7 through major stressful news and nobody needs to beat themselves up for not being perfect when handed a who lemon 🍋 tree!!

I truly believe that falling is important because then you can prove your own strength to yourself! I thought today I just couldn’t get back but, here I am doing it and I know I’ll feel stronger after this. I have to remind myself that..

I do have this! Tomorrow I’m going to grab life by the horns and take back over! I just needed that cry, That moment to be weak, the opportunity to fall and to push myself back up because that’s what makes me stronger! So I’m grateful for the strength I gained today by being weak and I will bring it into tomorrow! Nothing is going to break my stride, nothing will keep me down forever, I will stand up, show up and be present! Now bring it because we haven’t even gotten started and I’m feeling like a beast!

I love you all and thank you for your support. It mean’s so much to us ♥️

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

WOW! Michael and I have learned so much about vulnerability in this past week and I want to share some stuff I’ve learned!

I’ve always wondered if vulnerability was a weakness but, I’ve learned this past week that it’s anything but weak. It’s being so strong, putting your life in the hands of someone else, letting go and trusting and to do all of that you’ve got to be strong! So to let yourself become vulnerable is a act of heroism itself.

Since Michael’s cancer diagnosis we’ve had to become so vulnerable. We are dealing with a few different Dr’s that keep contradicting one another, who keep changing our treatment plan and these people have Michael’s life in their hands! Scary right? We think so but, we’ve “let go” and let ourselves become vulnerable because we’ve agreed to trust them. We’ve agreed that we don’t believe that they’d treat him the wrong way and move him more towards death than a full recovery!

That takes a LOT of faith! It’s not easy but, we are doing it!

When we met the specialist ENT Surgeon in Albany New York shorty after the diagnosis of throat cancer she had results from the CAT-scan in her hand and she actually did a scope that day in her office! It was official! He had tonsil cancer and needed a major surgery that would be done by a robot! We know robotic surgey is so wonderful and we were thrilled that she wanted to get this done ASAP. She said to get the dental work done, which it is as of today and we’d be on the surgery schedule! Great plan right? Nope. Wrong!

Yesterday my phone started getting blown up by the local Cancer Doctor who we were told wouldn’t see Michael until he was on the surgey schedule! Well, how strange that NOW they are all over us. I set up an appointment with the Cancer Doctor himself for the 30th and an appointment with the Doctor that would perform his Radiation after his surgery for April 3rd. We were confused because we were told not yet but, we went with it.

All of a sudden the phone rang it it was the Surgeon that would be performing the major surgery that was in our near future! Michael answered and she was on the speakerphone in the car. What she said next truly floored us. Michael excitedly started telling her that he was getting his dental surgery tomorrow ( today now ) and she stopped him. She said, “Well, there’s been a change. I’ve decided that I’m not going to do surgery right now. We are going to start with Chemotherapy and Radiation”! WAIT...WHAT? She said this surgery was of the upmost importance for him to be in the 95% CURE rate group! She wouldn’t and didn’t explain why except for they have a skeleton crew! We were left to speculate ourselves the rest ourselves! We all know that the Corona virus is using up all of the ventilators. After a neck dissection there’s a need for a ventilator for 12 to 24 hours! We feel this is the problem! We are powerless and there’s nothing we can do to change this so we are going with the flow. Talk about vulnerable! Just WOW! We are fighting for Michael’s ..LIFE!

So Michael had his oral surgery today, he’s got a CAT-scan on Friday and he needs a Upper GI because things lit up in his belly on the PET scan. We pray it’s old scars from ulcers. Then it’s meet the Cancer Doctor, Radiation Doctor and we will start treatment. A TOTAL change from the original plan but, we are vulnerable and have to TRUST that they have Michael’s best interest at heart. Michael has to do all of this without me because of the Corona virus. They won’t allow anyone but the patient in the building. We aren’t complaining though because we want to do our part to contain the Virus.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻..THIS is so true to us! At times we do feel weak and scared but, we will embrace the vulnerability knowing that we have a ARMY behind us and fighting with us! Thank you for being part of our journey! This isn’t something we could do alone nor would want to! You give us strength when we are weak. You give us hope when we feel hopeless but, we are keeping the faith because we are STRONG! We LOVE you all and now you know our new treatment plan! Thank you for loving and caring! We appreciate you all so much and yes we are VULNERABLE and grateful that some treatment is starting!

This is what I’m going to end with. “We might not have it all together but, together we have it all” ♥️