The last 2 day’s I’ve felt like I was riding one of these CDPHP sponsored bikes, uphill with my bad leg! Nothing seemed possible until everything became possible and it was because I knew that I had to make it to the TOP of that mountain, at all cost! A life depended on it!
Typical Tuesday for me now and I’m filling Michael’s Chemotherapy medication. It’s kind of odd that the Pharmacy hasn’t called by 3pm so I decided to give them a call. These medications have to be brought to Chemotherapy with Michael and he’s gotta be there at 8:30AM sharp! I called and the answer I got brought me to my knees! “I’m sorry Mrs.Bills but, they’ve denied Michael’s medicine for the nausea! WAIT! WHAT? That’s the most important medicine besides the Chemotherapy drug itself!
The pharmacist explained to me that my husband can only have 6 tablets of “Aprepitant” a very strong anti-nausea med every 16 day’s therefore he was DENIED! He had exceeded his limit on those particular nausea pills! Immediately I knew this wasn’t good! I asked the price to buy the 3 pills he would need and it was $986 or very close to that.
I told Michael about the situation and he instantly told me that he’d refuse Chemotherapy because he can’t afford to vomit with his throat already having 2nd and 3rd degree burns! Oh, this is bad!
I was so angry and powerless or so I though.
I thought and I thought and then I decided to take this situation to Social Media, Twitter to be exact! I put out the following tweet out of pure frustration! Never expecting results but, trying anything at all to help my husband with this situation!
I packed Michael a bag this morning because he was so sick and it was looking more and more like an admission. We didn’t have the nausea meds and he was going to refuse the Chemotherapy but, take any treatment to help him feel better then he felt! He was surely desperate and just so sick!
On the way to the hospital I cried. Now this isn’t something I do because Caregivers don’t cry and if they do it’s most definitely not in front of the one they are caring for. I said to him, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t help you babe. I’m sorry you don’t have your medication you need to get chemo, I’m sorry you’re so sick and I’m just so sorry you have Cancer”!
Like the extremely sweet husband he is he reached over and rubbed my arm and said, “I know babe, I know”! The tears kept spilling but, I kept on driving!
Then something magical happened! I pulled into the hospital parking lot and parked. I looked down at my phone and I had a notification from Twitter and it was that CDPHP had left me a comment! WAIT! WHAT?
I grabbed my phone with such anticipation and there it was! A comment from CDPHP themselves! They responded to my tweet! I never expected that in a million years but, this is what I saw!
I was so shocked, happy and anxious all in the same second! I quickly responded and sent the information along to CDPHP!
Michael went in for Radiation still not knowing if he’d be getting his Chemotherapy at this point! CDPHP responded to my DM almost immediately!
And then there was hope! I went along on my way because I can’t go in to treatment with Michael. It wasn’t 15 minutes later when I recieved the text from Michael that the medication was approved and they’d be getting it from the hospital pharmacy!
WOW! I was so shocked! Just when I was at my lowest, feeling like I’ve done nothing to help Michael I realized that I actually moved a mountain today along with everyone else on Twitter!
We WON! We got the medication that we so desperately needed! Then my phone rang and it was Katie from CDPHP! She went on to tell me that not only was Michael getting the medication today but, it’s approved for a full YEAR! Thank GOD we don’t need it that long but, wow was I full of gratitude! She also gave me her personal cellphone number and I can call her with any insurance issues. I guess to say we are grateful is an understatement!
THANK YOU CDPH! You truly restored my faith today and helped me feel like I’m actually helping my husband when he needs me the most!
Another day under my belt and no day is like the day before. Today I found myself walking around my house in circles just wondering who I am and what my job is! Let me explain in my blog!
Taking care of people is basically my life. Well, that and then casino but, that didn’t stay open therefore I can’t go! Someone did go check it out for me and I was super grateful! 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻
YES, my step-dad! He went down with my brother to check it all out for me but, it’s a no go! Really though my brother and my dad wanted to bring me a smile and it worked! I’m grateful for that! Now back to taking care of people, my true passion in life!
I take care of many people and for many different reason’s. Someone might have fallen and broken a leg and needs a little help, some had surgery and they need a helping hand and then there’s the really sick and they truly need a lot of help! Especially the terminally ill or people fighting Cancer! I love helping and I’m the first to offer as long as they don’t ask to pay me or give me gifts because then I’m not doing it because that’s what’s in my heart. This was all good until it hit home. MY HOME!
I’m really struggling with my role with taking care of my very own husband during his Cancer treatments. You see he’s very sick but, there’s just not much I can do for him. He can’t eat so I’m not cooking for him, he’s got to take care of his own bathroom for the most part because I can’t be exposed to his Chemotherapy medicine, therefore I’m not even cleaning it for him. I kind of sort of feel like I’m failing him because I’m not running 24/7 but, deep down I know that’s not true. I’ll do anything he ask but, he’s so sick he basically just sits quietly and then gets up to go get sick and I definitely can’t help with that.
Today it all hit me and I was so perplexed! What’s my role? What’s my job? What’s expected of me? Is there anything I can do? Do I just sit here staring at him in utter disbelief, still that we’ve got Cancer? The answer to this is, “I don’t know. I just don’t”.
I ask him what I can do and a hardly audible and extremely raspy voice he will tell me, “There’s nothing you can do, just be there”! WAIT! WHAT? This is so hard for me. I’m “that” person that thinks to be helping soneone you’ve got to be running. So I’m confused yet, I sit there. Then this happens and it does kind of back up what he said, “Just be there”! I’m glad I was there because my love needed support, loving support. To me it’s not helping him because I give love all of the time but, to him it’s what he needs. So I rub his head and he considereds it a job well done!
I was missing my mom a lot today. I needed to speak to her but, they haven’t figured out how we can call Heaven yet but, I’m sure someone’s working on it.
I didn’t feel as if I was helping Michael at all and that made me feel incredibly inadequate so I turned it all off and I went numb. Comfortably numb.
I feel this is alright. I feel it’s safe. I can go numb these days to protect myself but, not the way I went numb 17 years ago and that was with substances. Mind alerting substances. Numb is safe as long as I put myself there in an all natural way and I did.
I wish I could run 24/7 for Michael to show him that I’m working for him, tending to him and willing to go to any lengths but, I’d just be wandering aimlessly and that’s using my bad leg in a unnecessary way. To prove what to who? Me? So silly.
I am not lost I’m just perplexed. I’m not lost I just wander. I will figure out my role. For now I don’t even know when it’s appropriate to go to bed because Michael really can’t sleep. I feel so guilty when I’m tired. How is this fair to Michael? I can just go to my room and lay down and he can’t. The stuff we take for granted. So again I wander trying to figure it out! Then I decided to ask Michael when I’m supposed to go to bed because he might emotionally need me and he said the funniest thing, “When you’re tired my love”! Now that never occurred to me! Go figure!
So I’m in my room and he is in the chair in the living room trying to sit up to sleep. I’m comfortably numb because it’s where I need to be. I’m thankful for today and will look forward to tomorrow. Perhaps I’ll figure out my role In all of this but, until next time..Love the ones you’re with because you never know when life is going to take a massive change. March 10th will forever be a life changing day for my family. My husband was diagnosed with Cancer and I lost my way.
Be safe. Know you’re loved and we appreciated the love and support more then you know! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog ♥️
Happy Sunday and what a weekend! I found myself feeling sad, confused, angry, helpless and hopeless but, one thing I refuse to give up is “HOPE”! I check myself hard when I feel hopeless because I know that’s the devil speaking in my ear! Onward and upward!
I’m on a crazy rollercoaster in this thing called life! I find myself feeling powerless and hopeless and that scares me! These aren’t feelings that are healthy for me. If I have no hope and I have no power then my cup is empty and that’s not fair to me or the ones I love! Right?
I know that we can’t always control the situations that we are in however, we can control how we react and I know I must keep that in the forefront of my mind!
I don’t want to be in control anyway because I’ve been there before and boy do I make a hot mess out of life! Being in control isn’t important to me! Being a good human that’s full of hope, love and kindness is important!
This is my hope! I hope the best is yet to come. I hope that everyone’s doing alright during this Pandemic, I hope that I have the strength to continue to help the people that I love and care for, so much. I hope I make good choices so I can have good outcomes. These are just some of my personal “Hopes” that I wanted to share with you
Life this weekend has been anything but easy however I know this is temporary. I hope my husband continues to surrender and takes the pain medicine he so desperately needs. I hope that Carol can breathe easier after a very hard day yesterday. I hope I have their strength if and when I ever face the battle that they are facing, they are my true hero’s.
beside the Ocean. Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance ..I hope you Dance” Lee Ann Womack
Today Michael’s pain is much more tolerable. Carol’s lung’s are letting her breath easier and I promise I never lost one ounce of “HOPE”!
Today I write my blog because I have some people in my life that are feeling slightly disappointed and discouraged. I want to share how I felt the same exact way just a few short months ago and now I’m feeling better than ever! Come along. I’ll take you on my journey of Determination!
I have grandchildren and often I find myself having to sit to watch, “Thomas the Tank Engine” with them! I’m telling you that I’m so glad I did! I had just started blogging with Coil and I was struggling. Writing the English language is hard for me. I don’t ever try to hide that but, I keep trying to learn! I applied for the boost program and in January I was “DENIED”! Well, thank GOD I was! I blogged about it and this is what I said...
I honestly didn’t know if I was good enough to ever get into the Boost program BUT, boy was I determined and that’s where “Thomas the Tank Engine” comes in!
Fynn loved the music from Thomas and we’d listen to it, together! I was feeling a little sad one day about blogging and not being good enough and this happened!
I KNOW! It’s a children’s song but, if you’re feeling disappointed or discouraged I urge you to listen to these words! It helped me so much! Who would have thought that a children’s song could and would make me even more determined to get into the Boost program!? I was very grateful for sure!
If you’ve applied to the Boost Program and didn’t get in let me remind you of this! Something I lived by in my “denial” stages. Just because Coil denied you this time doesn’t mean you’re not good enough! It mean’s that you have to work harder! If you’re determined then that’s pretty easy! Right?
When I got my denial letter from Coil in January I actually went from my email right back to Coil and refilled out the application for Boost! Determined indeed! I urge YOU to do the very same!
This is so true! Everyday I’d try to learn just 1 more thing about writing the English language because I struggled with it! I’m not at all ashamed of my struggles but, I’m certainly proud of my progress and you will be too!
Don’t give up! Not now and not ever! If you feel like you can’t or don’t want to try again reach out! Get supported by your fellow bloggers! I love you guys and I’ll always be your cheerleader! This I promise! Many helped me and I’m sure they’ll help you too!
I just want to say that I’m proud of all of us. I’m proud of the bloggers and I’m proud of Coil. They also are growing! So see we aren’t t the only ones that wanted growth. Our platform did too! Keep up the good work, believe in yourself and never and I mean never give up ♥️
For $5.00 a month you subscribed to Coil and read everything that the creators write. In my locked section today I’m going to openly share what I’ve made with Coil. Grab a subscription and don’t miss a thing!
Well, it’s been 6 month’s. 6 long month’s since my mother took her last breath and left her earthy life to start her Heavenly life. Oh how I miss her so...
It’s so hard to believe that it’s been 6 month’s since I’ve heard her voice, seen her smile, held her hand, hugged her or recieved one of her kisses on my forehead! Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her!
I need her. I do. I pick up the phone to call her and then remember that she’s not with us anymore and then I cry. I’m human which means I’m selfish by nature!
( Our last dance to “My Wish” )
I think about what’s happened and what’s changed since my mom took that last breath and wow, it’s overwhelming! We had to put our beloved dog Chase down, Michael was diagnosed with Cancer and then the Pandemic. I guess in hindsight it’s probably best that my mom missed this Pandemic! Yes, it’s hard to admit but, she had severe COPD and a very compromised Immune system. This would have been so scary for her and for us trying to keep mom, safe. OH but, I still miss her so...
The holiday’s that have come and gone since my mother went home to be with GOD! Holiday’s that I didn’t think I could get through without her but, did. We’ve had a Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and Easter! Hard doesn’t begin to describe how these 1st holiday’s are without the very woman that gave you life! Speaking of life..it MUST go on! It’s not easy but, I’ve learned that you can’t lay down and die with them. You have to keep moving forward!
( me, Adam and my mom at a wedding )
This is the mom that I want to remember! She’s absolutely beautiful and still full of life. She wasn’t sick all of the time and she was happy. I forgive her for wanting to “give up” and go because I do accept and understand now that she truly was suffering and no I wouldn’t want her to suffer to keep ME happy! I might be selfish but, I couldn’t ever be that selfish!
Today my family and I will think of my mother and reflect on the beautiful memories left behind. We will honor her memory and cherish everyone of them.
My advice to people that are blessed enough to still have their parent’s. Cherish them because once they are gone there’s no do overs, visit them ( when it’s legal again ), work on any problems that you might have that have potential to strain your relationship and know that nobody lives forever. In a blink of an eye someone you love is gone and gone is forever.
( My Step-dad and I )
I MUST mention this 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻! This man whom I’m so blessed to have as my Step-father has been by my side every step of the way! He’s part of my daily life and one of my biggest supporters with Michael’s Cancer! I’ll forever be grateful that my mother blessed me with him!
To my mother in Heaven: I hope you’re living in Paradise. I hope you’re pain free. I hope you’re with your mom and dad and I hope you know how much you’re loved and missed here! Until we meet again my beautiful...I will miss you everyday of my life. RIP my beautiful 🥰
I had a bit of an emotional crash the other night because I couldn’t fix Michael so I blogged! After my “crash” I like to find something positive to think about! It was easy to find and I’d love to share it!
My daughter Alyson, her fiancé Phillip and Baby-Mason were moving off to Tennessee in March. They worked so hard to get everything packed, the old apartment cleaned and painted and then the movers picked up all of their belongings! The kids were going to spend a week with us and then start the new journey. I was HEARTBROKEN but, they are adults and are free to move around the world as they wish. I was grateful to get a full week with them and that was my focus!
Well, it was beginning of March and the move was growing near. Michael was diagnosed with Cancer on March 10th and I couldn’t imagine not having my sidekick Alyson here! She’s not just my daughter but, one of my very best friends! I was sad, confused and heartbroken that I’d be alone with Michael through his Cancer treatment!
We’d all sit and listen to the news. We were watching everything close down! People being laid off from work by the 1,000’s and everyone immobilized! The decision was made at that point that the kids couldn’t leave for Tennesee just yet! There was no way that they’d move to Tennessee and find jobs right away! Naturally they’d run out of money and with us not working we couldn’t really help!
The decision was made that they’d be staying and they’d revisit the leaving part as the Corona virus information was handed out. It truly became clear that Alyson, Phillip and Mason would be part of our household for an unspecified amount of time and we couldn’t be happier or more grateful! Selfish on my part? Of course..I’m the momma! I never want my babies to leave me. Ever!
Getting to know Phillip on a much more personal level has been amazing for Michael and I. It’s sad to say but, when your adult children grow up you’re not as involved with them because they are busy. It didn’t help that Phillip worked very long hours and only had Sunday’s off. This man is 1 of a kind! He’s thrown into a living situation that could be completely uncomfortable to him yet, he embraced it. He’s more than helpful with Michael and we just adore him! Unfortunately during his stay his Granny Gran passed away. He was present for the death but, that very night he was in the kitchen cooking dinner!
It’s funny how people fall into their “roles”. Phillip and Alyson have been cooking. We all take care of Michael and we ALL enjoy Mason even though everything is “GRAMMA”! A true gramma’s boy! I love it!
The other night Alyson and I were doing Mason’s bath. My bedroom has a master bath off it. Mason hops out and tells us he’s done with his bath! Perfect well, almost! We dry, lotion, diaper and love love him. He swiftly grabs my hand and drags me to the bathroom with mommy right behind us! The look on Mason’s face says it all but, his words were hysterical, “Uhhhh-Ohh Mason pooped on the bath”! A memory and PHOTO I’ll treasure forever! 👇🏻👇🏻
Nope, that’s NOT a Baby-Ruth 🤦🏼♀️! Well, gotta make memories somehow! Thank you Mason!
I shared in another blog that I have a wonderful friend who I’m helping with some Hospice care. Obviously Michael is my priority. This had been in my head for Days if not weeks. When Alyson and Phillip are gone how will I get to Carol!? It was stressful and daunting to think about because I want to take care of both Michael and Carol! Well....sometime’s things work out by themselves.
Alyson and I were having a conversation the other day and she informed me that she and Phillip talked and he basically said they wouldn’t be leaving until July! WAIT! WHAT? Thats amazing! In July Michael should be done with treatment and I know my fighter Carol will still be here! I think my secret wish might have come true! I was over the top happy with this news. Not just for my selfishness but, because I know Michael loves having them here! It would be much harder with just him and I.
This child brings so many smiles!
My daughter has a heart of gold and is always doing something else to benefit the whole family!
👆🏻👆🏻We’ve got to know this man and not only is he one AMAZING daddy but, he’s a wonderful man for our daughter and a wonderful family member. As I write this my eye’s are filled with tears of gratitude! Family truly is everything and I hope you all have a family as beautiful as our family. We cherish them and will forever be grateful that they stayed with us when we needed them the most and no, we’d never ask ♥️
Let me start by saying we WILL overcome! We WILL come out WINNERS! WE will never give up! You might take top for a minute Cancer BUT, not for long!
Radiation today was increased a lot! Today’s treatment alone had more side effects than all of last week’s treatments put together! Is it hard? You bet your arse it is BUT, Cancer has NEVER fought TEAM “MICHAEL and PATTY” before! Therefore it’s got no clue what it’s up against! Add ALL of the additional support and ya, WE’VE got this! This is what we always need to remember!
Today was a day like none other! Last week I was able to love Michael through a lot but, today was different! Michael’s radiation was increased by a lot and I knew the moment I saw him! Let me share how I knew! I looked at him and this is what I saw!
The Burn! The agitated state, the anxiety, listening to cries of pain, refusing to eat food, fatigue, major fatigue, headache and complete weakness! Today Treatment really got him, as they said it would!
I’m the “fixer”! I’m the fixer by nature BUT, I can’t fix THAT 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻! Am I discouraged? Oh you bet BUT, I know it’s not forever so I’m keeping the eye on the prize! Sure I ran around like a crazy wife offering him everything under the sun but, really he just wanted me to stop talking, I was agitating him! The devil disease entered his body and it’s going to take a stronger devil to TAKE IT OUT and yes, HE WILL! ZERO doubt!
He wouldn’t eat. He can’t eat. He’s burning, he’s on fire, his throat is raw and that’s the little stuff. Right? No. It suck’s but, something he must endure to come out on top!
He wanted me to hold him and so I held him. He wanted to cry, I held him longer and reassured him. He’s scared. I’m scared but, I don’t ever let him see me sweat. Sure he’ll read this but, he’s not stupid. He knows how hard it is for me to not be able to fix him! I have to accept it though just like he must accept he’s got the devil disease!
Honestly we knew this was coming but, we didn’t expect it so quickly! He’s finally settled in bed and I’m in mine and I had to write. If I write then I’m not laying here worrying! Keeping my mind busy is so important! Until he calls upon me and then it’s all HIM!
Throw it at us because we WILL ALWAYS look for the rainbow 🌈 and the stars ⭐️ and this is a promise!
No matter how sick my love is tomorrow he will March right in and take that nasty treatment AGAIN because the fight is on! We are fighters and fighters are WINNERS!
If you took the time to read my blog, thank you! This is my outlet! It feels good to JAB MY FINGERS ON THIS KEYBOARD! I appreciate you! I appreciate ALL OF YOU! I’m proud of #TeamMichael and can’t wait until this is OVER but, until then I’m going to love him through it! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! “WE are going to love him through it”! That’s a promise 🙏🏻♥️
To end this I want us ALL to pray for everyone that’s fighting this horrible disease! It’s brutal but, they’ll all be hero’s in my eye’s! I’m going to say my prayer’s 🙏🏻 Tonight and count my blessings. I’m going to get up tomorrow and still be his biggest cheerleader be we are NOT QUITERS!
We have courage, strength and determination so I guess we’ve already taken many steps in the right direction! Thank you for reading because this is my outlet! I love you all. We love you all ♥️!
What a week! Between Michael starting treatment, taking care of my friend who’s on Hospice and me falling ill to a fever it was total craiziness!
By now you’ve read my opening lines and you’re probably thinking, “Taking care of her friend on Hospice”? Yes, I’m helping a friend to her end of life. Growing up I was friend’s with Carol’s children. We spent equal time between my house and their house. She was very good to us kids even though we were total idiots. She’s someone I love and respect and when she called for help it was way to hard to say, “No”! Michael wasn’t diagnosed with Cancer at this point! Carol has Lung Cancer that went into her spine. She started treatment and then threw a blood clot. No more treatment and Hopsice was brought in!
( Carol after her shower yesterday)
Meet Carol! Carol is part of my everyday life. I’m one of her caregivers during her end of life journey. She had watched me care for my mom through Facebook and she said she gathered so much strength through it all. She truly wanted and needed someone to help her to end of life. Someone to love her, someone to talk to her to ease her fears and someone to manage the Hospice case itself. I still was and am grieving my mother but, I just had to go sit and talk with her!
( Mine and Carols 1st visit )
Well, if you know me then you know that sitting ar her table, holding her hand I made that commitment to her. I said, “Yes, I will see you through to end of life and I will work diligently to provide a peaceful passing”! Michael was then diagnosed with Cancer but, he asked me to please keep Carol in my life because he cares about her too! That’s where our love story begins. Am I blessed or what?
I go to her house almost daily. Sometime’s it’s a quick medicine visit and days like yesterday when her daughter and I provided a wonderful shower I’m there a little longer. Oh how she loves her showers and so does her husband! When she’s done I always walk her down the hall and present Richard with his beautiful bride!
He’s completely got my heart too! You see he’s also got Lung Cancer but, he chose no treatment! He looks great, right? So does she! She’s got a will to live like none other! She wants to make it to the Casino one more time before she leaves her earthly life for her Heavenly life 🙏🏻! Drag Corona Virus so we can make this happen! Carol isn’t going anywhere’s yet so we’ve got time but, still virus please leave!
Carol has 1 child here to help her but, that’s just not enough. Her poor daughter Michelle would be overwhelmed with responsibility while still having to raise her own son. Her other children are out of state! 1 person isn’t enough when caring for someone that’s sick. Michelle is the only child that’s cared for her mother throughout this whole journey until Carol invited me into her life to help Michelle and her.
My family has all bonded with Carol and Richard! My family is under quarantine and Carol’s home is absolutely quarantine so we have been able to allow Carol to receive some love from Mason and Alyson! That’s helped her so much! Our 2 ½ year old grandson Mason calls her, “Granny gran Carol”! So adorable and just what the Doctor ordered!
Now who wouldn’t feel better from this?
I’m so glad that I’ve been able to provide some comfort to Carol and I especially love that Mason adores her!
Some people thought the “timing was bad” to provide this love and care to Carol because of Michael’s Cancer but, it’s just worked out so far! My baby Alyson is living at home with her fiancé and baby so I can always go to Carol and she’s got her dad! Beyond blessed!
So this is what I’m doing with my spare time! I’m loving someone to end of life. I spoke to a few of my close friends about this situation and I wasn’t sure I could do it. With just losing my mom it could have gone either way with my emotions but, I can say I’m truly blessed to have Carol and Richard! Carol always tells me that, “Her and Michael are fighters and fighters are winners”! AMAZING attitude!
I love seeing Carol happy while embracing my beautiful grandson! It teaches Mason compassion and gives Carol an opportunity to cuddle a little.
Carol and I laugh and joke and have lots of fun on good days! Her brother was teasing her about her headpiece so naturally I had to jump on that bandwagon! Here’s the end result!
Everyone needs love, kindness, compassion and support in this life. I’m glad that I was the chosen on in this situation. She helps me as much as I help her. I wanted you all to meet Carol and Richard because she’s a huge part of my life. I’m blessed to be able to provide end of life care to people because not everyone can. Yes, I’ll be there until she’s walking side by side with our Lord and for me it’s been an honor and a privilege! Gifts come in all shapes and sizes!
I’m feeling rundown, I’m feeling emotional and I’m feeling...FEVERISH!! I’ve been running around like a crazy person when all of a sudden...SMACK! It hit me!! Now what?
Me being the caregiver to my husband with Cancer is most definitely one of the top 5 jobs in my whole lifetime! You see this isn’t just my husband, this is my whole world! He’s my best-friend, my confidant, my partner in crime, the father to our children and the best PAPA..EVER!
When I took a second to actually “feel” today I was quite startled by what I felt and that was sick! I immediately hurry to MY bathroom...you know because Michael and I can’t share one right now and I grab the thermometer! I was nervous. My hands were shaking and my knees were knocking! I mean we’ve been told to take our temperatures every morning and every night! Something I haven’t done, I’m sorry to say! I can say when I go to the pharmacy to pick up Michael’s meds I have to have my temperature taken before I walk through the door! No fever then?!? I was able to go meet Michael’s Oncologists yesterday and no fever there! So out of nowhere’s I developed this fever and yes it’s climbing!
I call my brother and I’m absolutely sobbing! He was so scared he’s saying, “Sis, Sis omg Sis what’s wrong”? I bet you can imagine his surprise when I said, “Buddy, I’ve got a FEVER”! The way I was crying he thought one of our pets had died! He’s so thoughtful and immediately asked me what he could do! So I instructed him to go into our mom’s bedroom, which has been left alone since she passed away on October 23, 2019. I asked him to grab the Pulse Ox and to bring it to me! “On my way Sis, I’ve got you! Don’t cry, I’m on my way”! Yes, I’m just that scared! I’m taking care of the love of my life and I’ve got the dreaded fever! After the fever they tell you to watch your Oxygen saturation rates because this is all lung involvement. So now I’m armed and ready!
Next I message Andrea who’s my son Adam’s girlfriend. She’s an RN and she’s working the “frontlines”! She’s actually just recieved her 2nd Corona Virus test because she’s had 2 hospital cases that were Corona positive! She’s like a pro at this! She can literally only go to work and then home because she doesn’t have any symptoms, yet. Let’s pray it stays that way! This is how our conversation went!
Alright! So I already messed this up! I was in a full blown panic attack like I had in my 20’s...remember them? I didn’t until this fever decided to join me! I broke the rules before I even text! As soon as I saw I had a fever I threw down some IBUPROFEN, YES the medication that they say “don’t take because it feeds the virus”! Is this true? I’ve got no clue because I’ve been to busy to get all of those “fine details”.
Then she tells me don’t take anything and wait it out! WAIT?? I don’t have time to wait because i'm taking care of my husband who's going to have big problems if he develops the Virus! The Dr's already told us! I was relieved when she said they aren't really concerned unless the temp is over 100.4! PHEW! I'm UNDER..until the next time I take it and this is what I saw and this was 2 hours after I took the IBU that I wasn't supposed to have!
HOLY GOD I’M SO SCARED! Michael is in his room and I’m in my room! Honestly it doesn’t matter because GOD FORBID if it is the virus I’ve had it for a couple of weeks and everyone’s exposed in this house already!
I’m scared. I’m really scared but, all I can do is wait! Wait to see if any other symptoms develop. So far no problems with my breathing except during my panic attack but, Alyson’s fiancée Phillip loved me through that and I couldn’t be anymore grateful than I am right now!
I once had a fever of 104.4 when I had Pneumonia and I can tell you I wasn’t scared like this! I’m seeing firsthand how much this virus is effecting how we think. To go into a panic attack over such a small fever is just mindblowing! I’ve never been that way! I have a fever then no biggie. I Knock it down and keep on marching. Because..
One of my all time favorite’s! If you don’t know her just check her out! She’s my hero and I love her motto, “Ain’t nobody got time for that”
The reality of all of this is quite scary though due to circumstances! Thank GOD our wonderful daughter Alyson is here and her fiancée Phillip and they’ll tend to Michael until I can speak to his Doctor to see how to proceed! This is NO JOKE! This is why we have to “STAY HOME”! This is why we have to “cover our faces on a Executive Order from the Governor starting at 8pm tomorrow night. This CAN BE life or death! I’ll stay home to protect your family and you stay home to protect mine! Deal? It’s a deal on my end!
And now I wait. Terrified that I picked the virus up even at the Pharmacy and even with the best precautions that I can take!
I have a better mask than ½ rhe population ( Thank you Arrington) and I even wear gloves! Someone at the store said, “Overkill”! Overkill when the virus kills and my husband is such high risk? No such thing at being to careful. Sorry there’s just never to carful! ! I’d rather be over protected than under protected and that’s just how it goes!
For now I’ll isolate in my bedroom until Michael’s Doctor tells me how to proceed! Alyson will take care of dad and we will pray I just have a bug from being “run down” and I can stop being so scared! The Corona Virus has changed my ideas about a fever so much and I respect it more than I ever have..until next next time...I’ll just be patient and wait!
I’m crying. I don’t want to sugarcoat things and pretend that I’m happy, happy, joy, joy today because I’m just not. I’m sad. I’m really sad. Let me walk you through my day and perhaps you’ll understand!
What a day! Besides being moving day for more than 1 person of this household it’s also 1st Chemotherapy day and my hearts just shredded! I’ll be ok! I just wasn’t ready for this response to the medication. Silly me had it in my head that it was “accumulative” but, I couldn’t have been more wrong! My husband is so sick! Yes, I know that he must get sick in order to get better but, it still hurts like the devil! My poor love! Thank you for all of the prayers because we now know this truly isn’t going to be easy! We STILL have got this though! NO DOUBT 🙌🏻♥️
There was a little blessing in the day and that was the fact that a friend of mine pulled some strings and I was allowed to go in with Michael to meet the Doctor! Something we never saw coming either so for that we feel blessed! We looked like a couple of bandits but, we did it! Leaving him there for Chemotherapy ALONE was another punch to the gut but, the Corona Virus rule’s the world and we do respect that! I forgot my good mask so I had to wear paper today! That’s ok because as of today people in New York are mandated to wear something over their faces at all times while out of the home. Walmart won’t let you in now if your face isn’t covered! WOW! Just when I thought things were getting better..silly me, again ugh 😫!
While we were tending to Michael’s treatment our baby moved out! He’s Michael’s youngest child and my baby! Adam, another one. We both brought a Adam to the marriage! My Adam is older. Well, he’s finishing up college and he will be a Chemist. He’ll be trying to make the very vaccinations that we need for the Corona Virus! We are so proud of him but, to say “farewell” was so hard. Especially on what was already an emotional day! I’m going to miss that boy 😭..He did move out with the love of his life though and I’m happy for that. They will be married on June 4, 2021! They sure grow up fast!
As Michael was sitting at Chemotherapy alone and Adam was moving out of the house I had to start thinking about my move, yes I moved also! My move isn’t a happy one or a permanent one and that’s what’s making my eye’s leak right now! I moved into the very room that our son moved out of! The Doctors said it’s best that Michael and I not use the same bathroom and if possible not sleep in the same bed! Wait!! WHAT?? 15 years of the “same bed” but, I know it’s temporary. It’s still killing me!
My new digs! I always thought that I wanted my own room because Michael and I have different ideas about the bedroom! I love the light and he loves the dark. I don’t want a TV in my room and he has to have one! Well, as I lay here in my own room with ALL the lights on and no TV on the wall...I don’t feel the same as I did before! Now I want a super dark bedroom with 4 TVS! Yes, I know it’s only temporary but, it hurts!
The view from my bed! Something I always thought I wanted! Be careful what you wish for...that’s all I’m going to say about that!
I do try to find the silver lining In everything and I’ve found a few! So we’ve started the vicious medication that will kill this aggressive cancer, my dog and my cat decided to join me so truly I’m not as alone as I feel right now!
Well, hey what can I say? I’ll take what I can get for comfort right now! I know Michael is the one with Cancer and it’s not my pity-party to have but, I’m having it! Only for today! I only allow myself one day of being down. I can’t afford to stay there! So I will push myself back up, I will brush myself off and I will move on forever through this crazy thing called life!
Boy I sure could use my mom right now! “MOM, MOM..I NEED YOU”!!? I really want my mom to tell me everything’s going to be alright!
So for now I’m going to lay in my room, cry if I want to, eat lots of Mini-Eggs, pet my animals and remember that this is not forever even though today it feels like it!
I’m going to make my “gratitude list” and I’m going to read and reread because I KNOW I have a lot to be grateful for! The XRP community is a HUGE one! I love you all! Until next time ♥️😘
Moving Mountains
