pattyb09952203

Well, I spent 17 years as my moms caregiver but, on October 23, 2019 that role ended for me and I took over the role of grieving daughter. That caregiver break didn’t last very long though because on March 10, 2020 I was handed this role again but, this time with my wonderful husband and with a diagnosis of throat cancer that’s grown. I’ve been a caregiver for a long time and I’d love to share some of my experiences with you all! So let’s get to it! The good, the bad and the ugly!

I’ve had many jobs in my life but, the job of caregiver is the one I found to be most challenging. Let me tell you why. You’ve been handed a person that’s ill. This is usually a loved one of your very own. So right off the bat you’re emotionally invested. You’ve been handed EVERY symptom that they have and you have to help manage it. That’s usually done by reaching out to Doctors and advocating for the person you’re caring for. Sometimes it’s so frustrating! Countless calls to the Dr’s office with no return calls to you. A anxious and sick patient looking for answers, family members that are scared and want answer and naturally BLAME you because you’re the caregiver and believe me..some of the family can be brutal when playing the “blame game”! They don’t consider that you’re just as scared as everyone else because they don’t view you as human..I mean you ARE the “caregiver”!

This is something I use often when I’m being attacked by a family member because they aren’t getting the answers they want in the time frame they want. If you want it done faster then maybe YOU should step up because I know that I’m doing everything I can to do a good job. I am human, I have feelings too, I’m frustrated because I’m not getting a call back from Dr’s and probably even more than you because I’m the one telling the sick person that I don’t have answers, yet!

When we take on the role of Caregivers people tend to put you in a superhero 🦸‍♀️ outfit and totally forget that YOU ARE HUMAN TOO!

During the 17 years of being my moms caregiver I learned a lot. Number 1 is Don’t forget to take care of yourself! A caregivers coffee break, a short walk, a small meal, alone time, a conversation with a friend or just mentally disconnecting for a little bit while your sick one is sleeping or when someone’s willing to sit with them for a little while. You are NOT a Superhero so don’t put unreal expectations on yourself because I promise you that you will let yourself down! We are only human and self care is so important! If someone thinks you’re selfish because you are taking time for self care then offer them the job of full time caregiver. Period!

When you take on the role of caregiver you take on many people. Let me share with you the people I’m expected to keep informed since my husbands diagnosis. I’ve got a group text going with all 7 children. 6 children are ours and 1 is a Andrea, my sons girlfriend. 2 of them are RN’s and one is a LPN! That’s ALL I’m going to say about that! When I have new information I send a group text and they can ask any questions in the text. I might not be able to answer it right then but, I will get to it.

The 2nd group of people that I’m expected to keep informed is Michaels siblings in Michigan and there’s 4 of them. I do my very best to keep eveyone informed but, I’m human and Michael is my priority. Period!

Being a caregiver is a special job and not a job to be taken lightly. Someone’s life is in your hands. That being said it’s still so important to take it easy on yourself. At the end of the day when you’re ready to drop because you’re physically and mentally exhausted...it’s alright. Catch up on that sleep but, before you so please make sure you eat! I know with all the work I do in a day I rip through Calories. I go and go and go and go! So eat and then get that sleep!

You’re important! You’re so important and don’t lose sight of that. Someone is sick and they need extra attention, you’ve got to reach out to keep eveyone informed but, you matter too!

You will have your days! Remember when we talked about being human. Yup, it’s true and caregivers have bad days too! Just remember that tomorrow is another day! Can I get a “AMEN”? That’s what keeps me going on my bad days. I’m not hard on myself though. I reach out to my friends. My friend RTB Dutchy just helped me through a bad day yesterday and that’s alright. I’m not weak..I’m human! Thank you Dutchy 😘

This is for ALL Caregivers! I want you to know that I appreciate you! From one caregiver to another..I get it. If I’ve got a moment I’m also here for you! If I don’t have a moment then please refere to this poem. It’s beautiful and true ♥️

There’s going to be peaks and there’s going to be valleys in this journey but, just ride them out and never lose sight of no matter what kind of day you’re having, it’s a blessing because it’s another day!

I felt compelled to write this today because I know I’m not the only caregiver out here and maybe there’s a brand new caregiver out there and I want you to know that you’re not alone. It might feel it but you’re not.

The last thing I want to share with you is this. If you’re the caregiver of someone and one of the people that you are keeping informed decides it’s alright to mentally abuse you, dismiss them! It’s alright and I’ve done it myself! I am not here to be anyone’s whipping post, I’m not here to be mentally abused, I’m not here as someone’s personal informant. I have people in my circle that feel entitled to be told about everything...separately! NO, just NO and that’s alright! I don’t have time for that. When they decide to stop acting entitled then they can communicate in the group message. Nobody and I mean nobody is entitled to drag you away from your loved one. You’re scared too. You’re sensitive too but, you’re pushing it aside to do the very best you can. Don’t let anyone put unreal expectations on you. Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself and if someone competent offers you a break..take it. It mean’s you’re taking care of “YOU” and “YOU” are so important too! Keep up the great job! I’m rooting for YOU ❤️

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

Wow! So last night in New York State we started what our Govonor named, “Matildas law” after his own mom! We are in mandatory shut in with a few exceptions to the new law. Confusing for a 46 year old like me but, what about the littles? They don’t understand any of it!

So in my home right now there’s myself, Michael, Our youngest adult son Adam, our daughter Alyson, her fiancée Phil, DJ our nephew from Michigan, Baby Mason ( 2 ½ years old ), Fynn ( will be 5 years old on Saturday), Remi who will be 1 on April 5th and the brand new puppy! We’ve got a crew but, for the most part it’s going great! Alyson and Phil have been making wonderful meals and that’s been great. What’s not been so great is the littles behaviors! I guess we never considered that being cooped up with drive the children “MAD”!

Mason and Fynn are feeling this. Despite the fact I went out and bought tons of arts and crafts, they’ve got plenty of electronics and we interact all of the time the behaviors still spill over!

It’s still so cold here but, we’ve bundled them up for some outside time. It doesn’t last long because the wind is so bad! Sure..this couldn’t hit in the middle of summer ugh 😩!

We are finding ourselves using this a LOT!

Although they don’t understand we certainly can’t excuse bad behaviors! When the adults tension runs high they feel it. We aren’t just dealing with the lock in we are also dealing with our Cancer! They feel it!

It’s not that we don’t feel bad that they have to be punished but we also know that..

These guys are going to have situations in their lives that are less than desirable like THIS but, they have to learn to cope. Just like us. So we are doing our very best to set the example! We are powerless! This is out of our control. The Governor himself made this “law” and we must respect it.

We are trying to take extra time with the littles to play. We are trying to keep as much normalcy in their lives but, these children are used to RUNNING the roads!

My son Adam brought our grandson Fynn to the playground at their home and this is what they were met with! No photo hit my like his one and I wouldn’t care if it’s my grandson or your grandson. How do we explain THIS to them?

Fynn was met with “Caution” tape. Something very hard to explain.

In our experience we know that consistency is key. So despite feeling bad we still have to hand out the “time outs” and the stands in the corner. We feel bad but, raising good humans is so important to us!

Today we are loving our littles a little harder. Handing out extra hugs, trying to get some 1 on 1 time in and being a little more patient. So I guess we can all learn something from this. Our children learn by example and we are setting it here and now!

I hope you ALL are getting through this with as much ease as possible. Remember that it’s not forever and it will be part of history someday! I love you all and I’m praying that everyone will be alright..especially our littles ♥️

I’m a giver! I’m a giver by nature! That’s just who I am! I talked about this is in other blogs but, this is much more personal! My role in life has changed and I didn’t know how to actually accept it. One of my children taught me how. She said, “Mom, you humbly accept it and always be kind”!

Well, We are the “receivers now and we are so humbled”!

The day that Twitter came together and found Michael an Oral Surgeon was quite astonishing to us! I was defeated! The job got done though and we felt so blessed!

The Doctor didn’t take our insurance and was going to stop booking the appointment and I said, “NO! Please. I’ll get the money”! You see when my mom passed I got some very large diamond 💎 and gold. I was prepared to get rid of all of it! Nothing matters more than my husbands, life!

It wasn’t 15 minutes later when I got a message from Nordic Ann, Malpass, Jungle, Dani and many others and they wanted to help financially! I said, “NO, we just can’t. You’ve done so much. We couldn’t possibly accept anything else”!

Here I was sitting on a $3,000 bill because I told the Doctor Michael would have to stay awake because I couldn’t imagine finding $600 MORE for sedation! $3,000 would be hard enough! Our Twitter family knew we needed the help and they went to town!

WOW! Rob Licker started a GoFundMe and we were reciving money from Pay-Pal! I was frantic! I was trying to figure out how to send money back! It was so overwhelming to me! I didn’t know how to “accept help”! I have to say I’m so glad I brought this to my children because they helped so much with these words. “Mom, you actually need the help right now. Dads life depends on it. You can accept it. Just always be humble and kind”! WOW! I raised amazing humans I had a “proud mom moment”!

So to all of you that have given us love, support, kind words, kind gestures, words of encouragement and financial help so Michael could DEFINITELY get his surgery...I humbled accept and I’ll always be kind!

It’s important to us to pay this forward and we will! I am still helping people as much as I can! It’s hard with the Corona virus of course because Michael is compromised just from the cancer. We have to be very careful!

I will share that there’s a woman that has stage 4 lung cancer. She’s approaching her end of life. She had reached out to me and asked me to provide her hospice care. The timing for me is just so bad. She’s dying though. I told her I just didn’t see how I could help. Yesterday morning she reached out to me and she told me that her daughter had abused her. I couldn’t stop myself and I went to her! When I got there she said to me, “Patty, I’m dying”! I said, “How ironic..me too! Everyday I’m here brings me one day closer to my death but, I choose to say I’m living”!

Well, this turned into a 3 ½ hour adventure! I got her all dolled up! No hair and all! I brought her to the mirror and she looked in awe and she said to herself in the mirror, “You ain’t dying you HOT bi**h, you’re LIVING”! Mission complete!

I can’t really help her for long but, I’m glad I could help her yesterday! Maybe I’ll get another day in with her but, if I don’t I’ll always be grateful for yesterday! I had so much fun and I needed it as much as she did! Driving home I gave Michael a call. I said to him, “Michael, I’m HAPPY and I haven’t been happy in quite a few days”!

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. I feel sometimes we aren’t looking so we overlook them! Yesterday and these past days have full of blessings. Even in the worst storms there’s blessings right in front of you! I love you ALL!

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

WOW! Life has taken some unexpected twist and turns and I’m ready to lay down and cry BUT, I can’t because I’m fighting for someone’s life, my loves! We can’t stop and we won’t stop!

My husband has stage 3 tonsil cancer and needs massive surgey. Our ENT that will perform the 1st Cancer surgey said that he needed dental surgery done 1st and formost! I finally found a dentist that would see Michael...despite the Corona virus pandemic and the news was grim, at best.

Michael found out that he’s lost most of his upper jaw bone and it’s not stong enough to hold the teeth anymore. The whole upper jaw must lose ALL of the teeth! A blow we weren’t expecting! Hey, this is Cancer so why would anything go smooth! Right? Well, it’s certainly met it’s match!

This is a word I’ve heard 37 times as of right now! This word comes from the Oral Surgeons that could possibly perform the dental surgey. It was either “NO”, we don’t take your insurance or “NO”, we just can’t work because of the Corona virus! This is frustrating to say the least BUT, I don’t take “NO” for an answer! I feel our biggest obstacles in life make us much stronger! So we kind of expect to be like Hurcules after all of this!

I truly believe this and I’ve watched my husband breakdown several times today and no, I won’t join him! I can’t. I can’t afford to but, what I will do is love him. I will love him through this ♥️

I want to thank each and everyone of you for JOINING Michael and I in this vicious fight! I just spoke to a Doctor that has set me up with another Doctor. I’m sitting here waiting for his call and thinking about how grateful I am for ALL OF YOU!

I’m going to continue to keep the faith! I’m going to continue to fight the devil and not lay down and cry! I’m going to fight harder, love harder and WE will come out champs at the end! Thank you for being #TeamMichael because we couldn’t do it without ALL OF YOU! I love you ALL ♥️

WOW! Has our world been flipped and as horrible as this Corona virus has been with people losing jobs and people’s income coming to a standstill, including ours there’s still blessings. I have to focus on them because my mind can’t afford to think in the negative manner! I want to say that I am so sorry to all of the families that have lost a loved one or even a family that’s got a member that’s tested positive. I’m praying 🙏🏻 for you all!

My family decided to REALLY take this Corona virus very seriously only 2 short days ago! Yes, that’s right...only 2 days ago! Michael and I are the type that could be sitting in our chairs one minute and bouncing out the door the next! We are like Tigger on any given day but, now there’s nowhere’s to bounce so I’ll tell you what we’ve found to do since we are playing it safe!

First and foremost being together with my family is the very 1st blessing! Our daughters move to Tennessee has been put on hold for the obvious reason! So there’s lots of people here and I couldn’t be happier about that! Do I wish it was different circumstances? Of couse but, it’s not so I’ll take it!

How about that junk drawer? YES, I love mine however..it runith over! I’ve been meaning to get to that but, I’m way to busy bouncing out the door to do THAT! Well, it’s done and gosh it was fun finding all the stuff I was missing 😂🙌🏻!

My daughter picked up a whole bunch of board games! Now to me that’s awesome! Faces aren’t in the phone but, we have hot games of Yahtzee ripping around here! Ya, I’m the champ! I love dice 🎲 games! When do we ever sit down and play games? Ya, never! That face to face interaction is wonderful! Especially because my daughter is still moving to Tennessee..just not yet!

Listening to Mason run and laugh has made my heart almost burst! It’s the most beautiful sound ever! Counting with him, ABC’s and singing fun songs! Memories I’ll cherish forever 🥰

This whole thing is scary and I’ve never seen anything like this in my life but, today I truly am counting my blessings! I’m thinking of all of you and I’m here for you! If you need to chat, I’m here. If you’re frustrated and need to cry, I’m also here. You’re not alone. We are in this together! It’s amazing to think that the WHOLE XRP community is going through this together..no matter where you live! Please don’t forget the elderly and always check on your neighbor! Know that I’m sending peace ✌🏻 and love ♥️ and this to shall pass! For now I’m going to enjoy the time with my family and eat lots of food! I’m not going to let the demons get me down and someday this will be a distant memory and we will be saying, “Remember when we all had to stay home TOGETHER because of the Corona virus”? I know I’ll smile as I remember the time spent with the ones I love. Be safe and wash 🧼 your hands!

This blog is going to be a little different than my other blogs. There’s not going to be cute pictures or funny pictures honestly I don’t think they’ll be any pictures because I just want to chat! That being said I’m going to dive right in!

Since Tuesday when we got our diagnosis of cancer I’ve been paying very close attention to “life”. Everything about life. Why? Because we have a “life” that’s in crisis right now. Are we going to be alright? Of course we are! We are Michael B. And Patty B. We don’t back down. Not from anything and “TEAM” is what we are all about. That’s just who we are!

I’m afraid though that I’ve misjudged myself as a person and it’s bothering me. I say that I’m all about giving and not taking. I say I’m not selfish and I believe in “live and let live”! I’ve humbled myself enough to realize that I only do this when it’s convenient for me! It’s starteling to me but, it’s true. Let me explain!

I will say that the first line I said is true...I’m a giver not a taker and it’s true. What’s not true is me not being selfish! I’m selfish. I am and it took this particular situation to bring this to light for me and I am once again grateful! I love to admit my flaws so let’s let them rip! I will visit this one first and then I’ll explain to you how I wasn’t being honest with myself when I said “live and let live”! I’ve learned over this past month, sure as that as long as it doesn’t hurt...ME! How selfish, right?

You see the time had come for Alyson, Mason and Phillip to go. My baby and her baby are moving to Tennessee! Totally out of the blue and totally unexpected! Now if you came to me and told me this about YOUR child I’d say, “Is this going to potentially make your child happier”? Heart, mind and soul? If you said, “Yes” I’d explain that this isn’t about you but, about them and their happiness and that’s what’s most important. I’d encourage you to put a brave face on and give them all the love, encouragement and support that they need. Period. It’s their life and they are entitled to live it the way it makes them happy. It’s only right. You did what you wanted to do once you become an adult. Right? For me..yes and no. My mom was a tad controlling of her children and now I understand why! She didn’t want to deal with the pain of losing one of her baby bears to another state. For many reason. I get it now! I’d like to share my emotions with you all throughout this journey of my youngest child and her son.

Not selfish? Then why am I sitting in the chair just utterly and completely crushed? I’ll tell you why...it’s because I AM selfish. Something I didn’t really know about myself. I’d like to share some of my deepest thoughs with you!

How can she do this to ME?

Why would she do this to ME?

What did I do so bad to deserve THIS?

Does she even love ME?

Does she ever care that I’M crying?

Does she care that I’M heartbroken?

Do you ALL see the one thing that never changed in all of these questions? I’ll tell you it’s “ME” and it’s because I’m selfish!

Alyson explained her reasons and they do seem legitimate but, I always find something that would counter everything she’s said to keep her and Mason here with “ME” because I am selfish. I am flawed. As we all are. I was just better at hiding it from myself! A charter defect that I know is not acceptable and I must work on! To be honest I want to scream, I want to cry but, I try not to in front of her. I never ever want her to think that I’m trying to manipulate the outcome of the situation because I’m not. At this point I couldn’t live with myself if Alyson stayed because mom cried. How lame! So my question is this? How can I call myself “unselfish” when all I want is my girl and my boy to stay? Boy did this open my eyes and I’ve got some major work to do. Some major soul searching and it’s time I get honest with myself! I am selfish. I do want self gradificaton and that’s not who I want to be.

So to my child that’s leaving and also reading this, I’m sorry. I humbled myself and admit I have work to do. I never want to hold you back I’m just scared. You’re my baby. You’re my youngest biological child on this earth and Mason is my boy. I’m sorry you’ve seen me cry. I am.

Onto the next thing, “Live and let live”. Do I believe in this? ABSOLUTELY but, just not with Alyson and Mason leaving! I’m trying not to be to hard on myself because we have suffered a lot of “loss” lately and even though she’s not dying...it’s still a huge loss. I’m going to miss Alyson’s birthday and yes, my adult Children’s birthdays are very important to me! She going to be in another state and I’m not going to be there to celebrate her! So what, right? “Live and let live” that’s our motto! Until Alyson And Mason were leaving!

I’m not going to lie I’m scared. I’m scared of pain. Emotional pain. I’m scared of more loss because we’ve had our fair share and then some! Am I looking for a pity party? Nah, that was the other day. This is about being able to look at my character defects, acknowledging them and working on them. I absolutely want to “practice what I preach” and I have no problem preaching to “others”.

Prior to Michael’s diagnosis it was said that anytime I wanted to go be with Alyson and Mason I could go but, now my husband needs me and she’s more than understanding but, it’s killing my heart. Now cancer will dictate when I get to see my child and grandchild and I’m bitter. Not at my poor husband but, at that horrible disease called cancer because yet again it’s messed with our family. She was leaving at 4am Monday morning but, I got a message that it will be pushed a day. They’ve got a few loose ends. I’m grateful because again, I’m being selfish! Although she’s been here a week I’ve hardly seen her. She’s been working in her old apartment while I kept Mason ( total blessing ) and then she’s coming home exausted. Not her fault. She’s busting butt but, I’m “SELFISH” and I want time with my babies.

In the end I’m going to say I’m grateful! I’m grateful that I can acknowledge these issues of mine and hopefully deal with them. I’m hoping that I will no longer be speaking as a hypocrite and I hope that I can forgive myself for thinking I’m someone I’m not and that’s a “Unselfish person with the Motto of live and let live”.

Maybe this was what I needed. They say GOD works in mysterious ways snd perhaps he does. In the days, weeks and months to come I truly plan on revevaluating my life to try to live true to my words.

I do want to be the unselfish person I think I am and I do want to live by “live and let live”! If you’re interested then stay tuned because things are about to get raw with me. I’m going to dig deep and get completely honest with myself because that’s the person I truly want to be and that means even if it Causes me pain and embarrassment because that will be a wonderful motivator! Acceptance. Getting honest with yourself and picking out your character defects is hard but, I am so ready. I hope you’ll join me ♥️

My daughter is leaving with my blessing. I’d never ever let her leave with a guilt trip over her head but, I’m finding it hard to be happy for her because I’m to busy being sad for myself! Hopefully soon that will change. Thank you for reading. This wasn’t easy to write but, it’s the first step. Admitting that I am not always true to my words. I love you all and that’s a fact. Thank you for your love and support! Peace ✌🏻 and love ♥️ to all of you.

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

Well...we’ve now been a family with cancer for 4 day’s and I can’t tell you how much our lives have changed in such a short time! I want to take you along on our journey sooo here we go....

On Tuesday March 10th we went to Michaels Dr. to recieve the results of the biopsy that was done the previous week. Ya, we were slightly nervous but, the Dr. and a nurse reassured Michael that this wasn’t cancer so...ya...I’m not even sure what to say here! I’m still so upset by that completely irresponsible choice that a supposedly “very educated” man made!

Why on earth would you tell someone 5 times that he didn’t have cancer if you haven’t done a biopsy? I’m definitely not sure about that!

I keep thinking over and over that it’s so strange that Michael walked into that appointment as a man and he walked out a man with a pretty bad cancer! Our lives would flip in just minutes! Our conversations changed so much! We never talked about

Squamous Cell Carcinoma, ENT specialist, CAT-Scans with and without contrast, PET scans, Oncologist, surgeries, Dissection of the neck, tonsil cancer, chemotherapy, feeding tubes or radiation! ALL part of our daily conversations now!

I am the caregiver. I’m always the caregiver, that is my role. I took care of my mother for 17 years, my step-father through his bladder cancer, my dad and anyone else that’s sick and needed me. I truly believe that I’m a caregiver by nature but, today I broke! Yes, all the stress from the past 3 days got me and I crumbled! I can’t do that, I’m the caregiver and they don’t do that or do they? I’m going to go out on a limb and say YES..yes we do but, we always get back up and that’s what’s most important!

Today I had a pity party. I did and I’m not proud of it but, it’s a fact. I looked at my husband...you know the one that’s actually sick with cancer and said to him, “Michael I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I’m just a mess”! His beautiful face looked at me and said, “Your husband was just diagnosed with cancer, you’re allowed. You can’t always be the strong one”! AMEN 🙏🏻..he let me off the hook! The reality of this is is I did crumble today but, I won’t stay down. I know the importance of getting back up because I’m so needed. I just needed “that day” to let it all out! Let’s be real...my best friend, my love, my everything was just handed a very hard pill to swollow and I can’t fix it! Acceptance..that’s key and that’s what I’m working on! Finding the blessings in this mountain of mess! Yes, there are blessings like that tumor presenting itself on the side of his neck. If it didn’t we never would have known that my love has cancer! Thank GOD for that tumor 🙏🏻

I am a strong woman but, I think it’s important to share that we can’t do it all, all of the time.

I’m also faced with another HUGE situation that’s wrecking me. Monday morning at 3am my 27 y/o daughter will leave state, from my house with my 2 y/o grandson. I had finally gotten pretty ok with the fact that I could just fly to Tennessee whenever but, now we have cancer and life has changed. I’m going to miss them and I’m heartbroken but, this is her book to write. I wasn’t going to see them off but, I will because they are my babies and I love them. Life can be so tough at times but, as long as we don’t let us keep us down then we’ve got this.

I sure am going to miss Mason and I hope Alyson’s not gone long.

If you’re like me and your the caregiver remember you can’t always be 100%. We have feelings too. We have a right to break as long as we keep on keeping on. I will be by Michael every step of the way and together we will do this. Kicking cancers as* will be one for the books!

Hello Cancer you wanna play?

You should have come another day.

We are ready for this fight so

please get ready to take flight!

We won’t take this lying down

we will stomp you to the ground.

We might be nervous

we might be scared but,

he’s not going anywhere!

It took some days to pull it together

now it’s on and it’s forever!

So remember Now that you’ve been told my husband definitely will grow old!

Well, yesterday I blogged about FEAR! I was full of it and I didn’t know what to do so I wrote! My husband @XrpMichaelB and I had a 2 o’clock Dr’s appointment to review the results of his biopsy that he had last week! We were nervous of course but, the Doctor and his nurse told Michael that he didn’t have the “C” word. They were just doing the biopsy because it “was the right thing to do”! EAT YOUR WORDS DOC!

Our brains wanted to keep going to the “C” word but, when you’re reassured by the Doctor himself that it’s not the “C” word you become pretty hopeful and that’s where we were at. Not that we had dismissed the thought all together though! We aren’t that naive. We just had a little more hope then someone else might have had because of the Doctor and nurses FALSE words.

Finally the doctor comes in and he beats around the bush for 20 minutes until I blurt out, “Does my husband have cancer? I cant can’t take it anymore! Now this man had told my husband he DIDN’T have Cancer so I bet he was feeling slightly uncomfortable! Not only did he have to tell my husband that he had cancer..he also had to tell him that the tumor that had the biopsy was a secondary cancer and they have no idea where the original cancer was! He’s got stage 3 Squamous Cell Carcinoma and that’s all we know right now. We were in complete disbelief! I instantly broke down because 2020 was going to be “our year”! If you’ve followed our journey then you know that 2019 wasn’t very good to us! So about that. We are just going to push that to 2021. Small set back! 2021 will be our year!

Are we scared? You bet we are BUT, we will not take this lightly! Starting tomorrow it’s on! We will be getting test done to find the primary Cancer and on Friday we will see an ENT specialist! We will meet our Oncologist and make a plan! The fight is on!

I HATE CANCER and I can tell you it’s messed with the wrong family! We won’t back down! We can’t stop and we won’t stop. We might have a couple days of being down but, we are already coming back up! We KNOW that we have a HUGE Twitter family and coil family and we are so grateful and blessed for that!! We won’t let you down with the fight!

I feel that this has been handed to us for a reason! I know it sounds crazy but, this is what I feel in my heart ♥️! We are going to kick the crap out of this and down the road we will be the source of comfort to others with a new diagnosis and we will help them! Weird that I already feel this!

I just want to say that I know cancer treatment has come a long way and I’m grateful for that. This is scary but, we don’t have time to sit around being scared! We will face this head on and we WILL come out on top! If you’re part of “Team Michael” I say thank you in advance! Nobody fights alone and you ALL have proved that this morning! I LOVE you all ♥️...

Dear Cancer,

You might think that you’re our worst enemy but, wrong. We are your worst enemy! Next year at this time you’ll be a memory and we will be laughing at you.. our life will go on! So you’ve brought it. We accept it and it’s on!

Now let’s GET IT DONE!

TEAM MICHAEL all the way ♥️

Fear! What a word, feeling and emotion! Is fear an emotion? Some would say it is while others say it’s not. I’m personally not here to debate that but, I thought I’d bring that up because when I got sober FEAR was a huge part of it! That word was in my face all of the time! Let me tell you why I wrote the title the way I did! FEAR can be used 2 ways! You choose how you use it.

F-Fu*K

E-everything

A-and

R-Run

OR

F-Face

E-Everything

A-and

R-Recover

So that’s what I was taught in early recovery. I chose to use the 2nd way because the 1st way got me drunk for many years! I lived in constant FEAR!

We all have situations in our lives that are scary. We want to forget about it and run but, what does that truly solve? I’m here to tell you...absolutely NOTHING! When you’re done running, everything you were running from will still be there waiting! Might as well just face it and be done with it. Somethings are easier than other things but, nonetheless everything must be dealt with!

It takes a long time to realize that 90% of the time we are completely powerless anyways! Can we fix a situation that we are powerless over? Like test results that we are scared to get? The impeding death of a loved one? No. We can’t change it. We are powerless!

Feeling powerless is a tough feeling but, we are powerless so we just have to deal with it. We might not be able to change the outcome of a situation but, we can control how we react to a situation. We can go mad and lose our minds and spin out of control or we can take the time to absorb and sort the hand we’ve been given. Easier said than done..I KNOW!

When I was a drunk and I had a situation that I didn’t like...I drank. I didn’t drink a little I drank a lot. Nothing changed once I was sober again! Not 1 thing except now I was hungover and full of fear! Awesome 🙄...

Fear is as powerful as you’ll allow it to be! Today I am full of fear and anticipating the outcome of a situation but, I will continuously reminded myself that I am powerless! It doesn’t mean I’m not fearful it just means that I’m not going to let fear run the show! No way, no how! We will deal with whatever we are dealt today. Period. We must. We have no other choice! It’s ok to pray for the best possible outcome but, it’s not ok to lose ourselves and just go nuts.

Today I’m going to do my very best to remind myself that even though I’m full of fear I will not let fear rule me, my thoughts, my actions or the way I treat others. I will explain in my locked section what’s going on. You’re our Coil family and I’d like to share it with you. In the meantime if you all have an extra prayer 🙏🏻 hanging around we can definitely use it! Thank you for reading my blog and stay blessed and loved ♥️