pattyb09952203

Well, the Corona virus has hit our area. Everyone’s kind of freaking out but, I’m not. I had the Flu A that almost killed me about 2 years ago. It is what it is. I wash my hands a lot and will continue to do so. I’m more worried about the TOXIC people in my life than the Corona virus . I’d love to share my story.

So I’ve been open and honest with everyone about my grieving process and the emotions that come with it. I’ve acknowledged that I’ve changed a lot. Some for the good and some would say for the worst.

The people that think I’ve changed for the worse are the people that can’t take and take and take from me anymore! In a prior blog I talked about boundaries. My lack of them and now me setting them in place. This is so good for me because let’s face it..toxic is toxic even if it’s another human!

I’ve always been a people pleaser therefore I was surrounded by toxic people! I couldn’t push them back because I didn’t want to hurt them no matter how much they hurt me! Again in a previous blog I wrote about not being a people pleaser anymore and I’m not!

I’m not going to say that if you “do me wrong once” you’re dismissed from my life because we all make mistakes. I do quite frequently! Thank GOD because then I can learn. I truly learn from my mistakes!

I will say though that if I see, feel or am made to be uncomfortable around someone more than a couple of times my radar goes off! I’m working so hard on a better me so I have to truly stick to this.

I’ve found that this isn’t always comfortable in fact it never is but, in the long run it’s for the best. I want to surround myself with people that are likeminded and have everyone’s best intentions at heart. Is that so bad? Nah..I don’t think so.

I have a system so to speak when connecting with new people. Right off the bat I make sure that they don’t want to take from me. The next thing I do is I watch. I watch how they treat the people around us and I listen. When someone walks away does “whoever” talk bad about them? If the answer is “Yes” then I probably don’t want much of a relationship with them because I really need positive influences in my life right now!

It only took me 46 years to figure out that it’s ok to take care of yourself. It’s alright to not give people permission to abuse you and it’s certainly fine to terminate a friendship/ relationship if it goes south! It’s all about taking care of yourself and making choices that are healthiest for you!

I love people and I never ever want to bring them harm. I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, embarrass them or make a mockery of them. That’s not truly loving or caring for someone.

Maybe you’re wondering why I’m writing this blog today so I will tell you . I’ve had some encounters with a couple of people that I feel didn’t have my best interest at heart. As hard as it is I have to cut those ties and take those losses. It’s a price I’m willing to pay because I’m really trying to stick with “Fixing Me”!

This ☝🏻☝🏻is the definition of toxic. If it applies then it’s time for me to fly! Slowly but surely I will become the woman that I want to be and that’s one that’s not abused by or taken advantage of by others. I’m looking for a new...happier...healthier...Patty 💗

I’m so over it. I can’t do it anymore! I thought we’d be together FOREVER but, I just can’t. I’ve set new boundaries in my life and you’ve blatantly disrespected them! You woke me at 2am this morning and instantly you had me in tears! I’m done with the abuse...Anxiety...we are DONE! Let me tell you why!

I’ve been dealing with you pretty much my whole life anxiety! You’re so controlling, you’re so cold and you have zero boundaries! You just throw yourself in the middle of any situation that I happen to be in! You don’t really care about me you only care about you BUT, you keep showing up!

So did you think I was going to keep you around forever with the way you act? Waking me up at all hours of the night just so you can get my brain going in 101 directions and I feel my head will explode 🤯? Are you proud that you had the power over me to stop me from going to any planned function that I might have had? Ya, you’re cool! Touché. You win on that one because I’ve missed a lot of important events because of your controlling ways!

I’m sure you’d be sooo happy anxiety if I started loading myself up with these ☝🏻☝🏻 Because then YOU win! I’m here to tell you...no you don’t because I won’t! I will not live my life in a drug haze just to make YOU happy! ( A side note: I have no problem with people taking meds for anxiety it’s just not a great choice for me ) I got sober almost 17 years ago and no, you’re not interfering with that!

Anxiety, I have decided to go out and get some weapons! I am going to fight you to stay away yes, I’m going to fight for my life! Thankfully I didn’t need any license for my weapons I just needed an open mind and a willingness to KNOW that this must be done and over with. You have to be cut from life! So let me show you the ammo I’ve accumulated! I think you’ll be a bit surprised! I know even I am!

TAKE THAT 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

AND THAT 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

When I say, “I’m done. I’m really done. This is just to unhealthy for me”! I’m going to be happy and you’re not going to stop me! I’m prepared to battle because my life depends on it! You’ve had the upper hand so long but, now we are switching places! Ya, I know breakups hurt but, you had it coming! It’s going to take me time but, I’ve got all the time in the world! So you take your obnoxious ways and drag because today I’m taking my life back and you’re not going to stand In my way! It’s OVER!

This will be my focus from now on! I’m sure you’ll try to creep your way back in but, I’ll be ready for you! I’ll be getting up, getting showered, getting dressed and I already know that..

We’ve know each other a long time anxiety but, I can’t say I’ll miss ya! No more 2am wakeups, no more missing special and important events because you what to control my every move and no more power. Today I take it away. I will run my life, I will make my own decisions and you will be GONE! Sayonara bye-bye 🖐🏻

You had been sick for such a long time

you told me child it’s time to fly.

No more hurt and no more pain

I wish that I could say the same.

I know in time it will get better

but right now mom it seems like forever.

I miss your smell I miss your touch

I miss you saying let’s do lunch.

I hope your happy wherever you are

I honestly know your my brightest star 🌟. Humans are selfish and that’s a fact is it so wrong that I just want you back?

I’m trying to cope I promise you this

before you left me this was your wish. “Don’t cry my child I won’t be far I’m always around wherever you are.

Take this time and enjoy your life be a good mother and be a good wife.

Our lives pass us by in such a short time

so please don’t dwell it will be fine.

I’ll see you my girl when it’s your time

until then love let yourself shine 🌟

So today I’ve been sitting here thinking about my mom. I feel I’ve made some growth in my healing because today I’ve been able to recall some beautiful memories and appreciate at them. I’d love to share some of this with you all ♥️

Long ago when my mother was sick she asked me to do Hospice on her at home when the time came. Of course I said, “Yes” because the time wasn’t near, yet.

Fast forward 10 year’s and now the time had come and I was so scared but, I made a promise! She had Kidney Cancer and had to have a kidney removed in 2014. Now to maintain 1 kidney you need to be very focused on what you put through that kidney. That’s just not who my mom was! She wanted her Pepsi and that was that! She did it “her” way! Today I’m trying to accept that.

Thinking about her this morning I’ve been able to connect with some beautiful memories that I’ll treasure forever. Her song to me and my brother was “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts! I think if you know the song then you know it’s quite beautiful and the message in the song is so inspirational!

The hospice nurse was at the house on this particular day sitting in the bedroom with my mom and I. We always had music playing on the TV! As we sat there here it came, “My wish” on the TV! The next words my mother spoke are words that I’ll cherish forever...”Will you dance this last dance with me my beautiful”?

I picked my very sick mother up and I held her in my arms and we danced..

My mom and I dancing and the nurse on the bed. She was sobbing 😭

Holding her so tight. It would be her last day at home ♥️

I’ll forever cherish this moment!

I’m so grateful that I’m starting to be able to look back on mine and my moms hospice journey and find the things that I’m grateful for. This moment for sure is a gem. I miss my mom everyday but, I know she’s not suffering anymore.

I just wanted to share this with you all because for me it’s progress. Yes, I take 2 steps forward and sometime’s 3 steps back but, I’m trying. For paid subscribers I’m going to share in the locked section the song that I chose as her “last song” at her funeral. It truly sums up “my mom”!

I hope you’re resting in paradise my beautiful...until we meet again ♥️

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

All photos are my own!

Today there’s an anniversary in our family. It’s not a super happy anniversary but, an anniversary nonetheless. Let me share what today means to our family and dive a little deeper as to why we are great for today’s “Angel-Versary”!

21 years ago today Michael lost his daughter Megan to a horrible car accident. On this day 21 years ago Meg became an angel 👼. This is so traumatic and hard to deal with so throughout the years you’ve got to find ways to deal with and accept the fact that your precious child is now a precious angel.

When Michael and I got together 15 years ago he told me about his angel. I then proceeded to tell him about mine.

You see between Michael and I we actually have 3 precious children in Heaven who are now angels. Meg, Alex and Alexis.

Alex and Alexis are both mine, both born in the year 1996 and no they weren’t twins. They both were born to soon.

After I lost the babies it started my crazy journey with alcohol and anything else that could numb me. I didn’t want to feel. It hurt way to much. Why me? Why 2 of my babies in the same year? Was I that bad? Did GOD hate me that much? Now I can tell you the answer to all of those questions and it’s “NO”! GOD did not hate me but, he loved me. He knew I was all mother and he took Alex and Alexis from me so when I got to Heaven I’d have my children to care for. Today I’m grateful for that. I believe they are still little ones up there no matter how many years pass! This is what I imagine them to look like!

I keep this photo with me at all times. Now I want to tell you why Michael and I are both grateful to have our angels 👼.

We’ve had situations in our family that should have been tragedies or at least very horrible and they weren’t.

Our youngest son was 20 years old. He went to study at his girlfriends home. Coming home at midnight he fell asleep driving! We got the phone call at 12:01 on the Angel-versary of my grandpas death. The phone call went like this, “I’ve been in an accident...I totaled my car but, I’m ok”!

Our hearts were racing! We jumped out of bed and went to the accident site. No way should our son have walked away unscathed but, he did. Not even a scratch and he actually drove up onto the guardrail, went about 100 feet and then the car came off and landed on all 4 tires in the upright position! If he went another 20 feet he would have been in a huge oak tree of over a cliff! A pure miracle! Our angels were working for us!

Another situation was when we lived on the River. Michael was down taking out the 800 pound dock and something snapped. The Dock took flight and landed on Michael. He was pinned with the dock crushing his chest! Michael would have been dead but, my daughter Alyson was down there. She weighed 110 pounds and she lifted that dock off her dad and saved her life. We all believe the angels worked through her that day and we are so grateful! Yes, our angels 👼 work hard for our family!

While still living on the river Michael was sitting on the back deck with Devon. Our daughters ex-boyfriend. Fynn was just months old. I laid him down at 4pm because he fell asleep. I went out to the back deck and I saw a look on Devon’s face. It was pure terror! He couldn’t speak! I looked over at Michael and he was slumped over. I rushed to him and yes, he had passed! I was pure panicked but, I pulled it together and I punched him in the chest and it revived him. I used the “ Precordial thump”! This acts like a defibrillator in someone that just lost their heartbeat! Anyone can do this and if you witness someone die you can do this yourself to save a life!

I encourage everyone to watch this video. It’s short and can save lives!

In closing I just want to say that it is so hard losing children but, you find the gratitude when your angels 👼 are working hard to help people that are right here with us! We are forever grateful for our angels and we know that if we do the right thing then one day we will all be reunited. Until that day we will think of them and miss them but, always keep their memory alive♥️

This blog is dedicated to Meg, Alex and Alexis. Our angels and many others who have passed before us. Rest in paradise our beautiful angels 👼♥️

You said you’d be here but, you’re not let me guess you’ve already forgot? What did I do? What did I say to drive all these people away? My actions, my words my constant cry has led me to so many goodbyes. I’ll take this and learn I know that I will.. I just need more time to get up this hill. Life has been hard and that’s a fact but, I know in some time I’ll get old Patty back. Be kinder to myself is the name of the game but, I know my life won’t ever be the same. You see this has been a battle of mine I’ve fought it and fought it for a long time! To say I’m worth it is hard right now but, I’m getting there slowly with you all around. I might be alone in the house that I sit but, in Twitter and coil true people exist. I’ll keep working hard and keep pushing through and in the end I say say “Thank you” to YOU ♥️

P.S. I love writing poems but, don’t usually share them. Michael encouraged me to share this! Here goes nothing...😘

Photo from Upsplash

You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203

”Hold me greema”. The sweet words that my 4 year old grandson mumbles to me when he’s ready for sleep. It’s beautiful and I look forward to it every night. Just not tonight! I’ll share why with you.

There’s nothing more than I love than to watch than my beautiful and innocent grandson fade off into his sleeping state. His beautiful eyes flutter and I’m envious. I know, I know deep down inside that this innocent child has such Insignificant worries and I wish iI could keep it that way his whole life but, I know I can’t. As he’s heading off to dreamland I’m anxiously thinking about what I did to him today and a tear slips out of my eye. Today I let my, hopefully temporary mental health issues effect Fynn’s day and I swore I’d never let these issues effect him! He doesn’t deserve that! Period!

Just look at this innocence. I hope you see as much as I do. This child deserves the world 🌎 and today because of my own selfishness I held him back and I’m feeling it. The guilt is overwhelming 😓

You see I used to be a social butterfly!

I never met a stranger! I love everyone and the highlight of most days was meeting new people...and then my mom passed away. I don’t know what changed inside of me but, just the thought of going out puts me into pure panic mode. My mood changes, my heart rate changes, I get flushed, nervous and at times it’s even hard to breath! This is real and it’s kicking me hard right now!

Today was the day that I just couldn’t make myself walk out that door! Fynn had been to the beach 2 days in a row and I justified staying home all day, while on vacation because of that. “Hmm, Fynn’s only 4, he must need a day of rest! Good try Patty...humble up. This isn’t about Fynn but, it’s about yourself”!

It’s like a downward spiral yet again. Fynn didn’t go out, I justified it and then I was riddled with guilt. It hurts that my mental health issues are spilling over into my family. I never wanted this. I swear!

I swore to myself that I’d fake it till I made it but, I was so overwhelmed with anxiety today that I just couldn’t do it. So why does this happen? Really! I don’t know!

I’ve been doing some research about grieving and yes, this can be part of it but, my moms been gone since October 23rd. I just can’t gain the confidence back that I lost on the day she took her last breath!

I have been looking up some inspirational quotes to help me and I’d like to share a few that really touch me deep in my

Heart.

All 3 of these quotes touch me in a different way but, that doesn’t matter. What matters is I can feel them in my heart and also believe in them!

I can’t lie to any of you. I used to think that people used words like “Social anxiety”, “depressed, anxious and nervous” as an excuse to be “LAZY”! Yes, I was judgement at a time in my life. Something I’m not proud of but, it’s true.

I technically should be sleeping right now but, who can sleep at a time like this? I mean isn’t it time to start stressing about tomorrow? I mean that’s what I’m doing!

I’m angry, I’m aggravated, I’m ashamed of myself and I’m sad. I never was this person and it’s not the person that I want to be. Yes, I want the old Patty back as far my social life goes! Today I think was a real motivator as for moving forward! I held Fynn back and I’m feeling it deep in my soul. He’s not because he’s fast asleep. I like to use pain to motive me and that’s what I plan on doing. Now let’s see if my mind cooperates. I mean it’s mind over matter, right?

Maybe wrong. Check out these statistics. I was quite shocked to learn that this isn’t uncommon at all. It’s just uncommon for me.

I know it’s going to take time building myself back up but, as my title says “She can and she will..just not today”!

I’m going to chalk this up to this is only 1 day of the trip and hey, we stay in at home on days of bad weather. I’m going to try not to dwell. Tomorrow is another day.

I’ve promised myself that tomorrow is another day and it doesn’t have to be a repeat of today. Although my brain already wants to go there! I will fight back. I won’t back down. I owe my family that. I also owe it to myself to take it easy on myself. I love openly sharing with you all because I feel you “get me”. I have no words or wisdom to offer you. I have no real joy to spread but, I do have to say that putting this into a blog took some power away from how I felt today. I cried a lot over my mom today. I wanted to call her and I couldn’t. So I’m going to chalk it up to a bad grieving day. I’m going to not play into the thoughts that are already trying to ruin mine and Fynn’s tomorrow and darn it I’m going to try hard to fake it till I make it!

The last thing I want to say is “I’m sorry”. I’m sorry to anyone that’s suffered or is suffering from this and I downplayed what you are or went through. You truly don’t know or understand until you’ve lived it! Truly a lesson learned! I will go hold my sweet boy now and know that tomorrow doesn’t have to be like today and neither does the next day. I’m not perfect so if I slip and have a day like today I vow to stand up, wipe off and try again! I don’t have to be the best gramma I just have to do my best and I don’t want to let me sweet boy down, again. Goodnight my friends. Know you’re loved and I appreciate you so much! You are so part of this journey and I couldn’t do it without you and your encouraging words. You know who you are ♥️

Seeing I’m in Florida right now with my 4 year old grandson, Fynn it got me thinking about my very own grandmother ( Nanny ) and how times have changed with relationships between grandchildren and their grandparents! I’d love to share my story or how I see it!

I had a very fun Nanny. Fun as in...when you were around her she’d make you laugh. She was my mothers, mom. She was beautiful and funny and I loved being around her. One thing I longed for with my Nanny was time. Time alone. Time just to be with her but, unfortunately I didn’t get that until I provided her end of life care, Hospice. My grandmother loved us I think. It’s not something she said but, you just kind of assume the love is there. She’s never ever take you alone someplace but, that’s just who she was. The one thing my nanny would do would be roll up a $20.00 bill and stuff it in your hand. The next words were “We don’t have to tell grampa about this and we didn’t”! So often I wanted to say, “I don’t want $20.00 Nanny, I just want to go out to lunch with you but, that’s not who she was! Period. I vowed never to be “that” grandmother! I want my grandchildren to know me. I’m not judging my Nanny. She was who she was!

And that’s my beautiful Nanny ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻!

When I had my children at a very young age my mother was a wonderful Nana to them. I believe she felt the same as me. She wanted her grandchildren to know her. You see my children were co-raised by my parents. It was wonderful and a decision I never regretted! I’m proud that my parents helped me make important life decisions with my children. When I did my mom’s eulogy it was something I brought up because I am so proud that my parents helped me raise them and they deserve credit too! Thank you mom and step-dad ♥️

Fast forward to the year 2014! My son was stuck in the grips of addiction but, nonetheless he met a girl, Andrea. My son was sick and going to rehab and he was moving this girl in. I was a little skeptical but, it wasn’t my life. My son went to rehab and then care home. It seems that in no time at all I was being told I was going to be a grandmother! Of course my head almost exploded and I had no clue how much life was about to change! Addiction holds no boundaries and just because a baby is coming doesn’t mean you get “better”! My son had been to rehab but, it surely doesn’t mean you’re better. He had a lot of work to do! Andrea has the baby on March 28th and Michael and I were in love. Fynn Michael ♥️

Boy did life change after March 28th! Andrea had her hands full with a new baby and a boyfriend that wasn’t doing great. This is where we come in. The grandparents! We took Fynn from the tender age of 3 weeks. Momma needed a break. So say our bond with Fynn is phenomenal is an understatement! At the age of 2 Fynn went on his 1st trip to Michigan with us and hasn’t missed the yearly trip since! I was shocked that his parents aggred but, mom needed the break!

Fynn age 2 in Michigan ♥️

Fynn age 2 in Michigan 😍

Fynn age 3 in Michigan 🥰

Fynn age 4 in Michigan 🌟

Fynn on 2/20/2020 Florida with us!

Finally my daughter Alyson announced she was pregnant at the end of 2016. We were thrilled. Another grandchild to love! It was immediately established that I’d be Masons caregiver until he went to school! She also wanted Michael and I to Co-Parent. What an honor! So I knew my life was going to be devoted to my grandchildren until they started school. How blessed am I?

Mason Baby with gramma and papa at 3 days old 🥰

My devotion to my grandchildren only seems natural because it’s something I always wanted with my own grandmother! Mason Isn’t the child that would travel with gramma and papa. He’s used to mommy and daddy but, he sure loves being with us! For that we are blessed!

Mason age 2 ♥️

My 3rd grandchild was announced and I was praying for my little girl. Doesn’t ever gramma need a princess 👑? Well, alright it’s a want not a need but, still lol. The day I found out I was getting my “Princess” I cried like a baby myself! My circle of life was complete!

Remi 3 hours old 💞

Remi at a week old chilling with gramma!

Remi girl getting some beach 🏖 time in!

I wrote this blog because Michael and I get questioned a lot about always having a grandchild with us. Many look at it as an inconvenience because let’s face it..taking care of children isn’t always easy!

We look at this as one of life’s biggest blessings!

We’ve been there for Fynn when Fynn really needed someone because daddy needed to get better and has!

I was appointed Masons caregiver and that’s an honor to me. We have an unwritten rule in our family. If you don’t love our children/grandchildren then you don’t watch them. We don’t do outside babysitters because where we live sometimes it’s not safe. We’ve had sitters harm and even kill children and that’s not a chance we are willing to take.

As far as Remi goes well...someone’s gotta keep those boys in line and I’m sure it will be her!

So yes Michael and I almost always have a grandchild with us but, that’s because we are blessed..not burdened. Our grandchildren will always know who we are, what we stand for and most importantly that we will always be there. It’s been proven that grandparents that participate in raising grandchildren live longer lives...so ya, can’t wait until my 100th birthday 🎂 party lol!

If you’re blessed enough to be a grandparent you’re probably reading this and shaking your head “YES”! If you’re anxious awaiting a grandchild, “You’re so blessed and life is about to change so much” and if you’re waiting for your child to fine “the one” so you have a grandchild on the way...I’m excited for you and I’ll tell you it’s worth the wait!

Gotta run! Fynn want’s to play “Mario brothers” in real person and I’m “Princess Peach”! Happy Sunday everyone ❤️

Hey everyone! I’ve shared a lot about my life with you all and today I’m going to share a little more! Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride..or try anyways 😬

Today I’m going to talk about a part of my life that’s been less than comfortable and that’s being a people pleaser! Many people will tell you that that’s not a bad thing but, those are the very people that will take advantage of your weakness of being a people pleaser! They absolutely LOVE people like me! For many years I thought I was so strong and I could just fix the world and tried. I never ever said, “NO”! By not saying no I’ve cost my family money, I’ve put myself in positions that aren’t comfortable and I’ve even put myself in unsafe situations but, I wanted to please everyone so the answer was always the same, “YES”!

It took me many years and plenty of tears and frustration to realize that I wasn’t trying to save the world, I simply was trying to save, me. I had very low self-esteem and when I’d “yes” everyone they’d just praise me up and down and thought I was the better than sliced bread. You see I was looking at them to validate me because I thought so low of myself.

I’ve never been sure of why I had such low self-esteem because I wasn’t raised that way. My parents gave me so much love and plenty of praise when it was warranted. This is something that just kind of happened and I’m not even sure of when I took that turn in life.

Now I’ve always had a huge heart and I still do. I’ve always been kind, compassionate, empathetic and loving but, I lacked 2 HUGE things and that was self-respect and boundaries! People pleasers have no boundaries because you wouldn’t be achieving your goals of making the whole world happy so, you simply don’t have any. That’s where things go drastically wrong! People talk and when someone came to me for money and I’d give it then they’d tell the next person. Before I knew it I was surrounded by people and I “thought” I was so loved! That’s all false! Those people cared nothing about “ME” but, they cared about what they could get. It was just that simple.

The people that loved me would try to point out that I was being used but, I didn’t want to except that as the truth. I wanted to see it the way I saw it because it made me feel so much more, loved. It felt good so I turned a blind eye for so many years.

I thought it was a coincidence that the same people I gave so much to could never help me or just be there for me when I needed a friend! I mean they were busy. Right? They MUST love me?! How could they not? I just gave them $350 last month and they haven’t paid me back and it’s ok, they don’t have to I just need a friend...someone to talk to but, they are busy. ALL OF THE TIME unless, they need something from me!

It took some major humility to look at this situation through something other than the rose colored glasses that I’ve always worn. I had to get gut wrenching honest with myself to admit that I wasn’t “all that”, that I wasn’t the most “popular girl on the block”, that I wasn’t anything more than someone that was so unhappy, with horrible self-esteem that was willing to compromise myself just for a minute of fake happiness! When I finally was brave enough to take those rose colored glasses off my life took a drastic change! When I used the word, “NO” a whole new world opened and no it wasn’t easy for me.

We all want to be loved, right? It’s human nature. We all want to feel wanted and needed but, to what degree do we compromise ourselves for this? The answer for me now is so clear and that’s, NONE! True love and authentic relationships don’t come with a price because it just comes naturally. Slowly but surely as I started saying that dirty ole’ word, “NO” people started slipping out of my life. I mean prior to me saying no they at least showed up when they needed something. Now I found myself REALLY alone but, I had made such progress in these self admissions that I wasn’t willing to go back to rose colored glasses just to get the people I never truly had, back.

This saying has such huge meaning to me! It’s so very true. You shouldn’t be the only one giving in any relationship because relationships are 50/50. True relationships shouldn’t feel like work. It should be natural. True relationships shouldn’t leave you confused about your role in someone’s life because you’d know your worth to them. I always make sure to tell my true friends and family what they mean to me and they do the same with me. Those are my people. The ones that truly love me without putting any pressure on me about what they can get. If you feel like you’re giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return then perhaps you should evaluate your life. It’s not easy but, boy is it worth it!

Respecting yourself is so important knowing your value is equally important and I’m learning to like myself. Love will come but, I’m a work in progress.

This was me all of the time. I constantly was sad, frustrated, lonely and tired. I don’t try to put expectations on outcomes but, when you’re good to people it’s hard not to expect at least a little respect.

I’m happy to say that it’s a few years later and my life has changed so much. I lost a lot of people but, that’s alright because I lost them because I stopped giving! Boundaries are a huge part of my life now! I had no idea that setting boundaries actually sets you free. Free from the emotional pain that I’d feel after giving and giving never even having a real friend in return.

I’m happy now. I give peace and love and that makes my heart happy! I’m genuine and loyal and true to myself! I hope if you can identify that you’ll share with me your journey. It’s not an easy one ♥️

Hey everyone! I wanted to write to you today to share my Coil experience with you, up to date! It’s been a wonderful experience and I’d love to share it with all of you! I hope you’ll come along on my Coil Journey!

On December 2nd I decide to follow my husbands lead. He was writing blogs on Coil and truly enjoying it. I was deeply grieving my mother and my head was in a awful mess. Sitting and thinking wasn’t my friend so I had to take action and Coil seemed like a great idea! Every time I found myself in a downward spiral I’d start writing and I was awful! YES! Awful! My husband was in the boost program but, I wasn’t interested. I know it sounds weird but, I’m not going to try to explain “me”. That’s a whole other blog lol. Long story short he encouraged me to believe in myself and to give the boost program a shot. I wasn’t really feeling it but, I applied and yes, I was denied! I wrote a blog about it and why I was so grateful!

I received this on January 16th and quite honestly it’s exactly what I deserved. Period. Coil did the right thing in my opinion! When Coil denied me it didn’t mean I wasn’t good enough it meant I had a lot of work to do. I needed to learn!

We live in a strange world these days where everyone has to “WIN”! I remember when signing my children up for little league we had to go to the “parents meeting”. At this meeting the head of the Little Leauge proceeded to tell us that we need not worry because ALL children received a trophy 🏆 because there was no winning and no losing! Wait! WHAT?

Now I might sound like a mean mom right now but, no way do I want my child getting a trophy if they didn’t earn it! If you get a trophy for just “showing up” then what incentive is there for them to work on getting better? No way! I explained my feelings about this and I left the meeting wirhout signing my children up! I didn’t want to give them a false sense of reality!

Let’s take that a step further. They grow up and get a job. So do they get a promotion just for showing up? Absolutely NOT! So I felt that leaving without signing them up for the “Nobody loses” Little Leauge was the best thing I could have done for them! They didn’t understand it then but, they sure do as adults and they are grateful that I protected them from this false sense of reality! Alright..enough about that. Let’s get back to coil!

I knew that my writing on Coil wasn’t great. In fact if you go look at my 1st blogs I didn’t even have paragraphs! Why should Coil pay for some shotty writing like that?

They shouldn’t. I had some decisions to make and I decided that I wanted to keep writing but, I also wanted to get better. I reapplied for the “Boost” program and I started education myself on blogging!

I can tell you that I took it very seriously and when I got my 1st “Featured” blog I was so shocked and excited! It just showed me that I was making progress with writing! When I got my 2nd featured and a Coil staff pick I was over the moon!

Now that didn’t mean I was definitely getting accepted into Boost but, it meant that my work was paying off!

I waited in anticipation of the “Boost” and when the email finally arrived I was absolutely astonished! I couldn’t believe it! In just 1 short month I worked hard enough and Coil complimented me for that!

I will forever be grateful to Coil for denying me when they should have and for compensated me when they felt I improved enough!

I want to thank all of my fellow bloggers who gave me helpful tips and helped me to achieve this goal! I’m proud of myself! Something you won’t hear me often say. I still have a long ways to go in my eye’s because I want to improve more but, today I’m just counting my blessings on being included in the Boost program! From the bottom of my heart Coil..Thank you ♥️