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So I try to get a penny shopping post out once I have enough new and fun stuff to share. To be honest I hit the store a couple of times a week but, without my daughter it just isn’t the same. Today though she was off from work and it was on! We thought we’d hit a bunch of stores but, little did we know that we’d only have to hit 2 before the car was full, yup, full! So check out some of our neat find’s. One quick thing before I share my photo’s. Alyson and I tend to click with people very easily. We were at one of our regular stores and the item that that had gone to pennies was “yellow dot”. She had pulled 2 full boxes to make room for more stuff. Because she liked us she actually handed us the 2 boxes and said “enjoy”. The boxes had close to 100 items in them. We are so grateful. So here we go. Check out this stuff that literally cost us one single penny, each.

Home decor and a nice purse.

These are beautiful in my eye’s!

We love taking a whole display. It’s so fun!

Nice quality socks.

This is all pens. All shapes, colors, sizes and designs.

Such adorable shoes for my granddaughter.

So many bags. Little girls love these bags. Someone will be happy!

So many keychains and little bracelet.

Alyson and I are blessed to make friend’s all over the place because we literally had this stuff handed to us. The real story is the store wants the stuff pulled and thrown in the dumpster, sad I know. I’m not sure yet who we will donate this stuff to but, it will be someone. We do family first, friends pick and then donate. So grateful that we’ve got about 200 items just today. I didn’t take photos of all of it. Our hearts ran over today and again, it felt so good. If you see something you want you let me know and I’ll mail it right to you. Someone on Twitter can vouch. She got her package.

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Well, it’s here, finally! Election Day 2020! I wanted to write so I could reflect on this down the road but, most importantly so I can say my promise to my people. This has been more than stressful but, in the end we have 1 vote and that’s it. I hope you use that Vote today. It’s such an honor and a privilege in my eye’s.

Today as we head to the polls everyone’s got different anxieties. Who will be our next President? How will people respond once our President is announced? Can we protect ourselves from COVID-19 at the polls? We’ve already had a Corona outbreak that came from, “In person, Early voting”. All I can say about that is do your part. Social distancing, wear your mask and bring your hand sanitizer. Protect yourself and your neighbor. Bring extra just in case? That’s a right step towards kindness. Let’s be part of the solution and not part of the problem. I will.

Once the election results are tallied, there’s going to be a group of people that aren’t happy. We’ve just know this all along. My promise is this, “ No matter who becomes our next President, I promise to resume life as normal. I will not scream, “NOT MY PRESIDENT” if who I chose, isn’t chosen. I will NOT judge anyone for who they vote for if they care to share their Candidate. I will not share who I’m voting for. I’ve decided my mom was right and it’s not something that needs to be shared. Perhaps I’d feel differently if leading up to this election thing’s were different”. We can act and react in 1 of 2 ways. We can accept the results as, “The people have spoken” or “I’m just so angry so I’m going to burn the town down”. Let’s pray for peace.

I hope once this election is done and over that thing’s can go to some kind of “normal”. You don’t have to like who won but, I’d hope you’d respect it. I will. I’m proud to be an American and I’d like to think that I can react to election results like an adult. Again, I don’t have to like it but, I will accept it.

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Today November 1 in 1996 my ex husband and I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. We named her Alexis Marie. She was absolutely perfect in our eye’s but, there was one huge problem. Alexis wasn’t supposed to come until the spring. Alexis came far to soon to sustain life here with us, so GOD swooped her up in his loving arms and brought her to the great land of Heaven. She had a brother waiting for her. Eric and I had given birth to Alex on January 6th of the same year and he too came to soon. He also was brought to the beautiful land of Heaven. Was I broken? Yes, more than broken, I was devastated but, after years I finally figured out the grand plan and today I’ll share that with you.

I was a 23 year old girl who already had two children and was looking so forward to growing my family. In fact I wanted 7 children. Crazy I know but, I love being a mother. I believe that’s why I’m here on earth, to be a mom. My husband and I got pregnant for Alex and due to blunt force trauma to my abdomen, I delivered him to soon. It was so hard to accept. My husband and I were young and knew nothing about setting up funerals. We were blessed that our parent’s jumped right in to help us. Both emotionally and financially.

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I’m not even going to lie. My husband’s blog today inspired me to write my own on this subject. It wasn’t his actual blog but, the way he opened it up. It bothered me, a lot and I’ll tell you why.

This has been going on since Trump ran the 1st time. People having to ask to not be attacked based on a political party affiliation. That’s just sad. I was raised in a home where voting was just important as paying your taxes. If you don’t vote then you can’t complain! Naturally I’m a woman and I want to complain so it’s off to the polls I go! I actually do think it’s such an honor to have a vote in the Presidental election. Here’s the thing though, I only care about who I vote for, I don’t care who you vote for! I’ve seen people completely shred each other based on who they are voting for and to me that’s crossing a line. It’s truly very personal and nothing to fight about. You have your beliefs and I have mine. Mutual respect used to be so easy but, then Trump came along and if you supported him you were now concidered, the devil and people said it loud and clear!

My mother wouldn’t ever tell anyone who she was voting for and now I see why. It took all of these years and Trump to come along but, now I truly get it. My daughter often voted with my mother and now she’s a voter herself and you know that she’ll never tell anyone who she’s voting for. Smart idea nowadays!

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So I shared in a blog that I really needed to find my happiness again. I can’t take anymore stress or negativity. I made the statement that I was going to do this and then I sat there perplexed not knowing where to even begin. Then it occurred to me! Come along and I’ll tell what I’m doing to make some changes! I AM responsible for my own happiness, nobody else!

So I’m the kind of person that always does what needs to be done because that’s just how I am I guess. It doesn’t matter if it compromises my happinesss, if it needs to be done then, it’s done. So that’s where I began! I said to myself, “TODAY I’m going to do what I WANT to do and not what I think I need to do”! Doing what I have to do really isn’t fun and it doesn’t make me happy. So all of that can wait, it’s not going anywhere’s! I’m going to share my day yesterday and then today.

My precious grandson Mason lives with me right now along with his parents. They were moving to Tennessee and they had given up their apartment and shipped everything to Tennesee, then Coronavirus hit! They couldn’t possibly move to Tennessee, find jobs and a place to live so they’ve been with us. Yesterday Mason asked for 1 on 1 time with me. His dad said yes and he came right upstairs. He started his gramma time with a 3 HOUR bath! That’s what he wanted and I wanted him to be happy! He was a little prune but, it was so fun.

Next on our agenda was an invitation for Mason and I for dinner with my other grandchildren. So Mason and I jumped in the car and off we went! It was a regular old party and I truly was, happy and so were all 3 of my grandchildren!

Genuine smiles! Mason and I got back home and Little Zoey missed me so much and wanted to cuddle.

Now it was time for a little arts and crafts with Mason and this was the end results.

What a successful day! I truly was happy all day and I didn’t do an ounce of housework. Guess what? It never moved so iI can do it when, I WANT to! Mason went downstairs for the night and I went to bed with a much lighter heart.

Onto today! My step-dad wanted to go to MGM Casino In Massachusetts! Pick-up time was 8:30am and I was ready! ROAD TRIP!

We had 2 hours and 15 minutes of travel and chatting. We chatted a lot and he FINALLY told me how much he missed my mom! I NEEDED to hear that. I needed to know that it wasn’t just me and she wasn’t forgotten! That made me SO happy!

Beautiful trees along the way except the bottom one. That’s the burning bush in my parent’s back yard. It’s thriving and that makes me SO happy!

We finally arrived at MGM In Springfield, Massachusetts and we were ready for a fun filled day! Well, tuned out one of us had a good day and one of us, not so much. Let’s just say I was the HAPPY one so that was awesome! I won $250 and dad lost $150. We made memories and that’s all that matter’s right now! We ended the day after my dad hit for $450 and got himself somewhat out of the hole! I was happy for him!

We had a wonderful but, quite ride home. I wanted to read some blogs and support my fellow creators because that also makes me happy. I read some blogs to my dad and we sincerely enjoyed our day.

We got home and this is how our day ended.

I had only been home about 15 minutes and my phone got a text and it was from my son’s girlfriend! Fynn, my 5 year old grandson got his 1st report card! I was over the moon happy!

So glad that Fynn is getting into the swing of thing’s in kindergarten! Proud gramma and that made me really happy!

To finish my day today I indulged into a little bit of Pokémon because yes, I love it! I got 2 shinys that I’ve wanted for a long time and I was so happy, again.

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I’ve decided to take this opportunity while Michael is away to really get into the nuts and bolts of me. I know it’s such a strange feeling because I’m the one person I never want to focus on but, the situation has presented so perhaps it’s time to jump in with both feet. I honestly don’t know what makes me happy anymore. My moms death and Michael’s diagnosis has been so life changing. I’ve never really shredded myself down to the base to see what does make me happy, what I want out of the rest of this life but, hopefully soon I’ll know.

I am 47 years old and I’m feeling it. Losing my mom took any confidence that I might have had in me. I’ve never had a lot of confidence but, between my mom, dad, my daughter and Michael I had gained some. Once my mom was gone so was the confidence. I was so happy making Cinnamonvideo’s and sharing but, after everything happened I couldn’t even stand to see my face on the video so, I stopped making them. I liked doing it at one point but, that all changed and I just felt “stupid” and couldn’t bear to do another Vlog and I haven’t. I keep trying and I hope I can get it back but, so far no luck. I’ll keep trying.

I think it’s fair to say that I have reached the ½ way point of my life. I’m 47 years old. I haven’t exactly taken care of myself the way I should have so I honestly don’t expect to live to be 80 or more. I know that’s not up to me but, I’m being realistic.

I’ve decided there’s a few thing’s that I want to get to the bottom of. The 1st thing is what can make me happy, again? I’ve found moments of happiness like with my grandchildren, spending time on crazy adventures with my dad and helping people. That’s my true happiness right now in life. Michael left for Florida yesterday and it was a hard day for me. I did a lot of housework and then I had nothing to do. That’s dangerous for me so I found something. I went out and I found some amazing deals on Children’s clothing. I bought a ton of clothing ranging from $1.50 to 1 penny. I’ve filled my donated clothing rack back up and I’m happy about that.

I’ve decided that everyday that Michael is gone I’m going to spend a certain amount of time thinking and then when that becomes dangerous then I will find and will do 1 thing that makes me happy. Even if it’s mopping my floors so they shine. As long as it’s made me happy for that day then I’ll call that a successful day. I am also journaling all of this.

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Unwavering Faith, I used to have that but, after so many events in my life I guess I’ve found that I’m tired. I’m tired of having faith only to be let down around the next corner. It’s hard. It’s even hard to admit that my faith isn’t solid but, it’s not and I will only share openly and honestly. I didn’t realize how bad my faith was until just yesterday when someone said, “Your mom is in the most beautiful place, ever”. I shocked myself by saying, “Ya, right”. That’s just not like me but, like I said, “I’m tired”.

I’m not comfortable with where my faith is at. I don’t want to be stuck in the vicious cycle of negative thinking. I don’t want to doubt everything that I’ve ever believed, it’s just not healthy and I know this. I don’t want to be that person that just expects the next negative thing to happen. I’ve always had faith. I never believed that everything would turn out the way that I wanted them to turn out but, I believed that things would turn out the way they were supposed to. That being said, if this is the way things are supposed to be then GOD must hate me”! See, negative thinking. It’s no good!

Due to circumstances of Michael’s Illness, tomorrow will start a new adventure. I’ll be separated from my sick husband for a period of time. Now if you know me, really know me then you know that I’m a mess over this. I’ve had to acknowledge that I’m powerless and as I write this blog I’m trying to figure out what to do with all of these feelings. I’m terrified. What if he gets sicker while he’s away? What if he gets COVID-19 while he’s away? What if I get COVID-19 while he’s away? Well, I think you get the picture. I’m just scared. No, terrified. This can only mean one thing. It mean’s that I want to control the situation and that’s just not good either. I used to have enough faith to turn it over and what would be, would be. I can’t be in control. It’s impossible. I’ve proved over and over that when I’m in control things are just a mess. No doubt. When I got sober 17 years ago I had to let go and have faith. I couldn’t be in the drivers seat any longer because I just kept hitting trees. Yup, that’s me in control.

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It’s funny how life works sometimes. Last night we celebrated Phillip, my daughter’s fiancé for his 30th Birthday and today I celebrate a life that’s been lost, my moms. Celebrating from both ends of the spectrum birth and death In just 24 hours in my home. What a strange feeling.

A celebration of life is beautiful. Everyone deserves to be celebrated. In life and in death. My eye’s sprung open at 1am this morning because even when I slept I was so anxious. I knew in my subconscious that one year ago today, the woman that held me as I took my first breath, was held by me as she took her last. She was suffering. It was for the best I guess but, it doesn’t help the pain.

I carry this card with me everywhere and I often stop and read it. 1 year later the word’s baffle me. Don’t grieve? Don’t shed wild tears? Don’t be afraid to die? Perhaps this card is something that I can use to focus on, believe in and make progress. Maybe one day I’ll believe in the words on this card but, not today.

If you’re looking for the person that’s going to tell you “Time heals all wounds” then this blog isn’t for you. I’m going to share my very honest experience for the past year of my life. Everyday I feel like I just lost her yesterday, everyday without fail I shed a tear for her or wait, do I shed a tear for me? Either way you can usually catch one running down my face. I denied myself proper grieving because I was afraid people would think that I was making it “about me”! Well, it is, I accept that now and perhaps now I can properly grieve the woman that I had the privilege of calling “mom”.

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