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Today I’m going to take a huge risk and for the 1st time I’m going to share my family’s story about Sexual and Emotional abuse, Detectives, Investigations into abuse and the outcome that we received. I’m going to share this as the only public speaker at a #SaveOurChildren benefit. The person running the event is a friend of mine and she knows our story. Not many do because it’s one thing that our family had decided not to share openly up until, now. There’s a hero in this story and it’s not me. So come along on our journey that forever changed our family. I am going to do this in a series of a few blogs. It’s a very long story and every ounce of this story deserves to be shared. I AM my daughter’s voice. My daughter is now a 28 year old woman with her own son. She wants her story shared. My daughter, my hero.

The year was 2006 and it was a very special day in our family. It was my daughter’s 14th Birthday! Birthday’s are a huge deal in my family because I love celebrating my children and family. Heck I love celebrating anyone that deserves to be celebrated. My daughter, her friend whom I won’t name and myself were all at my parents house starting my daughter’s very special day, or so we thought at the time anyway. My daughter’s father called me and wanted to come see her along with his wife to bring her some gifts. This is exactly what I’d expect because he was a wonderful father and he and Alyson were very close. Of course I said, “Come right over”! We weren’t together but, we had a beautiful daughter together and he also should get to see her on her Birthday.

My daughter’s father and his wife came to the house and when they did my mother noticed a change in my daughters friend’s face. It was strange and my mom picked right up on it. My daughter’s friend excused herself to go use the restroom which was upstairs in my parent’s home. After her not coming back down within a 15 minute period my mother went upstairs to see if she was alright while I stayed downstairs with my daughter, her father and his wife. Little did I know but, life was about to change, forever.

This is a very sensitive story that my daughter has recently decided, as an adult to go public with. For that reason most of this blog is going to be locked and be exclusive to Coil subscribers. For $5.00 a month you can read everything that us creators write. Please give Coil and Cinnamonvideo a try. You won’t regret.

Well, it’s September 11th which happens to be my favorite day of the whole year. Now it’s bittersweet for me because we had a brutal September 11th attacks that changed this world but, it’s also mine and my moms sober birthday. 17 years ago today I entered rehab. My mother told me if I never drank again than neither would she and we didn’t. This year has been a lot different than previous years and a challenge to say the least.

17 years ago today I kissed my children goodbye with a strong and confident look on my face. You see I was sick and I needed help but, they didn’t know this prior to me talking to them just one week earlier. I had to tell my children that I was a drunk and I needed to go away for help. I had set up with my parent’s to take my babies so I could go to rehab. It would be 28 days. Yes, that’s a long time but, it took me a lot longer to get as sick as I was. My moms last words before I left were, “If you never take another drink Patty-Jo then neither will I and we never did!

This year has been full of challenges. Losing my

Mom and Michael being diagnosed with cancer I thought would be enough to break me. I do have my moments but, I’ve had 17 years to pick up the tools I need to stay sober and I try to use them. So do I struggle? Sure I do but, my worst day sober is far better than my best day drunk. If I drank right now I’d just be drunk, sad and who knows what else.

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Well, we didn’t know if this day would come or not because of the Corona virus but, my grandson Fynn’s parent’s decided to send Fynn to Kindergarten. There were many pros and cons but, nonetheless he went! I stayed with him at his house last night and had the pleasure of seeing him off to school.

I think many families struggled with how to handle school during the Pandemic. At 1st it was all about Fynn wasn’t going but, Fynn’s parent’s decided it was in his best interest to go. Fynn was surrounded by love and positive vibes this morning and it was amazing. I’m so glad I got to stay with him last night and be part of all of this!

Fynn started his day with a waffle with fruit. He had a nice glass of juice and he was satisfied! Then it was onto the next part of the morning and that was picking the school outfit! Mommy and Fynn did that!

He came down and he was ever so handsome. My heart melted. I’m so sorry that my mom wasn’t here to witness such a beautiful event. Fynn’s next journey in life.

Fynn was surrounded by love. His mommy and daddy, Gramma and Papa and his other gramma. It was perfect and Fynn was so proud. He most definitely felt the love! His mommy filled out his chalkboard and when it came time to answer, “What do you want to be when you grow up” he said, “I want to build houses like papa”! Ya, I might have shed a tear. I’m so glad that we’ve been a positive influence in Fynn’s little life.

Had to share the chalkboard again! Oh my heart! We all sat and chatted with Fynn and we took tons of photo’s, gave many kisses and several words of advice! Just perfect!

Here’s Mommy, daddy, Remi and the star of the show, Fynn!

Papa, Greema and Fynn! Now we patiently or not so patiently wait for the bus and take more pictures!

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I shared in my previous blog that I’m really struggling. It’s 1 year later and life has slowed down and it’s finally hit me, my moms gone and it’s

Forever. I’ve talked to very few people during this time because honestly, I don’t even know what to say. I feel like my 2 year old grandson, cover my eyes and nobody will see me! Magical right? Ya, it doesn’t work like that so at time’s I do have to talk to people. I want to share Something that I heard over the past 2 weeks while I’ve really been struggling. It’s mind blowing to say the least.

I was talking to a fairly good friend of mine and she lost her father shortly before I lost my mom. She’s also stuggled. She brought her mom up and what she said next blew me away. She literally told me, “Thank GOD I won’t have to feel this way when my mom dies, she’s such a jerk she’s made me feel this way and I’m over her”! Now I know her mom and she can be a bit of a manipulator but, to hear those words out of her mouth floored me. It really floored me because she lost her dad and it’s been a true struggle for her. It’s her MOTHER, the woman that gave her life and yet she feels she won’t feel this way once her mom takes her last breath. Perhaps in her mind it’s safe to say right now because her moms not sick. I told her, “Those are some heavy words and I’m not sure you’ll feel the same if you got news that she was gone, FOREVER”! Do you know how long forever is? Yes, it’s forever. Never again. We can do the “We will meet again, someday” but, that’s not working for me right now.

Forever is never smelling my moms lotion on her skin again, it’s never kissing her soft cheek, it’s never having her lips kiss my forehead and hearing the words, “Everything will be alright PJ, it always is”. It’s never hearing her tell me she loves me, it’s never going to lay in her bed when I’m sick just so I can be close to her and it’s never having just the comfort of her near me. My advice to my friend was to rise above. Forgive your mom. Get established with her again and make it good. Accept her for who she is and don’t judge by what she does. I had to do this with my own mom and at times I failed and I am feeling it now. Forgiveness is so powerful and freeing. I think everyone should try it.

I know so many relationships are compromised over the smallest things. Money. Money seems to

Come between a lot of people. 2 of my mother’s siblings didn’t see her on her deathbed over an inheritance that my mom and her siblings got when my grandparents passed. My mom made them be honest about everything and that broke the family. Imagine that? Denying your sibling a farewell over,

Money. Silly and now she’s gone forever. They can’t ever make good on this. She’s gone. Can they live with it? It hurts my heart daily. I’m sorry that my own family members didn’t have the ability to let go and rise above. Honestly my mom was just keeping them honest and if you’re doing nothing wrong then it shouldn’t be a problem. Right? I have a lot of hurt in my heart over her siblings doing her wrong on her deathbed but, I forgive them because I can’t carry the burden. I will rise above. I’ll never forget but, I forgive.

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I haven’t been engaging much on Coil. I haven’t been as supportive as I’ve been in the past on Coil and I want everyone to know that it’s not because I don’t want to but, it’s because I’m struggling. I haven’t wanted to share my story out of embarrassment but, I’m finally coming to realize that there’s no time limit on grieving, so I’m going to share.

It was a year ago this week that ultimately would become the beginning of the end for my mother. She was admitted into the hospital for Pneumonia and ended up with Sepsis while I was away with a friend who was grieving the loss of her boyfriend. We went on a little ocean trip to try to help her

Heal. My mom got admitted while I was gone and little did I know but, life was about to be forever changed. Many years ago my mother asked me if I’d ever do Hospice on her if need be. She wasn’t sick so it felt very safe to say “Yes” at that time. It was my mom so to me she was going to live forever. She was the strongest women I knew. She had a death sentence put on her multiple times in the past and she always beat it. This time would be the same, or so I thought.

I got home from the mini-vacation and went straight to the hospital. Something was different and the Doctor wanted to talk. She had kidney cancer years earlier and she had to have a kidney removed. It was tough but, she did it. My super-mom! Well, 5 years later and her 1 kidney was failing her. The Pneumonia was bad and the sepsis, worse. He said, “We might be in trouble this time”. Now hearing this as much as I did I just said , “Alright well, we will see”. One night my mom asked me, my brother and my dad not to go to the hospital to see her. So strange. We always went every morning but, we obviously listened to her wish and didn’t go. Just hours later she called and said she was coming home. Wait! What? She was to sick for that. My mom has spoken to the Doctor, alone and decided that she was done fighting and was ready to start her end of life journey.

We all were shocked but, she had suffered a very long time. Hospice came to our home and agreed that she had less than 6 months to live and admitted her into the program. I prayed she wouldn’t qualify but, she did and I started Hospice that very day.

We spent 28 horrible days at home and she fought every step of the way. The woman that made up her mind to end her suffering now how the will to live but, she didn’t have the Kidney to do so. There was no turning back. It was the end for my mom. I was the only one taking care of her and it was hard. It wasn’t hard it was absolutely horrible. Everyday knowing we are one day closer to her leaving but, I made a promise and I had to keep it. She was my mother and made many sacrifices for me. It was now my turn. What a terrible way to pay her back. Helping her achieve a peaceful end of life. I didn’t want to because she was my mother and I didn’t want to lose her. I couldn’t bear the thought.

On October 23, 2019 my mother laid in my arms and took her last breath. I could feel her soul leave her body and I felt a part of my heart just die. Now I’m strong but, wow my mom just took her last breath. I had to be strong though because I have children and they have children and I’m the one that’s gotta get them through this. So I stand up, wipe off and march on.

Fast forward a year and I’m broken. I’m beyond broken. I’m grieving. I’m deeply grieving but, why so much now? I’m embarrassed with myself. I’m stronger than this. Why can’t I move past this? What’s wrong with me? I’m so ashamed because I cry all the time. Am I mental? Will I ever be alright? I don’t know but, I’m a changed woman. Things are finally starting to click though. This is what I came up with so I’ll share now.

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So when I talk to people that I don’t know, quite frequently they’ll ask what I did for a living. I proudly tell them that I worked on the Ambulance. That’s usually followed up by, “Oh, so you were just an ambulance driver”. The truth of the matter is this, “No, in fact I hardly drove because I was a Critical Care Tech. I was in the back of the ambulance, on the phone with Doctor’s and working vigorously on someone’s loved-one so no, I wasn’t just an ambulance driver. Do you know how important that job is though? The driver is responsible for getting his crew and a patient to the hospital in what can be a very high stress situation. Our driver is of the upmost importance. He’s got multiple lives in his hands. Let me tell you a little about what I did.

I was a New York State Critical Care Tech. That’s 1 step below a Paramedic. The only difference between myself and a Paramedic was I had to call the ER Doctor for some medication orders. That’s it. I started the IV’s, Intibated and administrated the life saving medications that a patient might need to survive prior to getting to the Emergency Room. I was the Doctor’s “Hand’s”. Together we’d talk on the phone and I’d ask him for the meds I needed or he’d tell me what meds to give.

I was the one that held that 1 month old baby in my arm’s that had passed away during the night because of SIDS. I knew that the baby had been gone quite a while but, I still did CPR as the mother pounded on me to, “Save her baby”. I was the one that quite often was with someone’s loved one as they took their last breath and when they did I’d immediately start CPR and try to save them. If they had a DNR then I’d hold their hand while they left their earthly life to go to Heaven. I’d be the one to tell them, “It’s ok, you’re not alone, I’m here”. I was the one to roll up to an accident scene where a teen had hit a snowplow and you knew the prognosis was grim. You’d never lose hope and you’d work on that teen like it was your very own. So no, I wasn’t just an ambulance driver.

This job isn’t for the faint of heart and there’s stuff in my head that I’ll never share with anyone because I wouldn’t want you to have the same visual as I do, no we don’t tend to forget. Many patients or situations stay with you forever but, this was my life, my passion and what I thrived to do. I don’t even like saying it was my “job” because honestly it was a high honor trying to help someone in their time of need.

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So we all know that time has been relentless since the beginning of the Pandemic. Sit home and become a emotional mess or find something to keep you busy! Just so happens my daughter found something on Facebook that a lot of people were doing so we decided to try it! It’s called “Penny shopping” and YES, the first thing my daughter scanned on her phone cost 1 penny! Let me show you how it’s going!

So Alyson connected with a group on Facebook called “Penny shoppers”. She was intrigued by this so she decided to do her own research! Low and behold she and I went out penny hunting for the 1st time on Tuesday. We were a tad skeptical until the 1st item that she scanned with her phone cost .1 cent. Yes, just 1 penny!

The above photo is part of our first day penny shopping. I bet you could imagine our surprise when we scanned the item and it was just 1 penny! From that scan we were hooked! We love helping people and money is tight so what a great opportunity for us. We go put the time in and then donate the stuff we get if we can’t use it for our family!

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Yesterday I shared in a blog that I went out and spent the day with my dad. When I got home we had a visitor and I can say that I was more than excited. It was my Step-son ( we actually don’t use that term but, I must for this blog ) Adam was here. What happened next was something that brought me to my knees and filled my eyes with tears so let me share my story.

When I got together with Michael 15 years ago I knew I’d be taking on not just him but, also his children. Little did I know that in just a few short years I’d be raising 2 of them as my own. Casey and Adam. I will not get into the circumstances in this blog out of genuine respect for their mother. I mean if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have these children to love so yes, I’m grateful. We did however end up with Casey and Adam 11 years ago, exclusively. Michael was dad and I was mom. Funny because my babies had left the nest and I was kid free for the first time since I was 16 years old. To say I was sad was an understatement. To find out that there was issues and we’d be going to court was completely overwhelming to me but, I’m all mother, I married a man with children and this is ultimately what I signed up for! So here’s to a new life of raising children but, I didn’t give birth to them. Michael was a wonderful father to my children and I’d do my very best with his!

We spent the next years getting Casey and Adam through school and things went pretty well. They called me mom and I treated them no different than the children I actually gave birth to. The biggest compliment I think I ever received was when our neighbor of 3 plus years found out that I wasn’t Casey and Adam’s biological mom and she had no idea. Now to me that’s amazing because you don’t want them to feel “less than” anyone . Something I made sure of was that all children were treated equal.

Casey graduated High- School and went off to college and became an RN! We are so proud of her. Adam still had 3 years of school left so he was the only child at home. Now Adam is funny. He’s in extreme introvert and a tough nut to crack but, him and I hit it off from day 1. We instantly connected and he was just a little guy. Having these few years home alone with him was even more special. After my leg injury he’d climb into my chair with me and just sit for hours. We’d talk, laugh and he’d share his hopes and dreams with me. Moments that I’ll truly cherish forever. Adam graduated from High-School and he stayed home with us and went to school so he’d graduated with no debt. So even more time with him.

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