
Well, another night of tossing and turning. Another night of longing for my mother. Another night of tears, fears and frustration therefore, I must take back my original statement which was, “I’ll never forgive you because of the hurt you brought to my already dying mother’s heart. . Can you possibly forgive yourself though?
Greed. Greed is something I loath. Material things. What can they possibly do for you that my mother couldn’t do? I’m just curious I guess. Can the money and material things that you inherited take place of my mother’s loving heart, her willingness to give, her sense of humor, her ability to forgive YOU even though I didn’t think you were worthy of forgiveness at the time? Can your money and material thing’s wrap their arms around your neck and tell you that, “Everything will be OK, no matter what”? I don’t think so but, that’s just a guess on my part.
The money is gone, the material thing’s still don’t breath air, it really was nothing but,, I know that they were so important to YOU! I know this because you denied my mother on her deathbed. You denied her before she took her last breath. Can you live with yourself? The only thing my mother was guilty of was keeping her family honest after my grandparents passed but, that exposed, everything! She didn’t press charges, she didn’t do anything except hire a lawyer to make sure that if something happened to her like, death, which it did that her part of the inheritance went to her estate, her children and grandchildren. My mother was guilty of keeping people honest and making sure she took care of her children if something was to happen to her. Guilty as charged on that matter! Yes, she wanted to take care of her children, shame on her. Right?
Do you know she cried for you? Did you know that I held her in my arms as she sobbed for her family to come to her. She wanted your blessing but, your cold and callus hearts just wouldn’t allow. Do you know that my mother was highly medicated and Hospice actually came up with a plan to lie to a dying woman because she was waiting for YOU both to come and tell her it was alright to go? Hospice figured they could get 2 other staff members from Hospice on the phone to “pretend” to be her brother and her sister that had denied her? Did you know that? We tried but, even with all of the medications she knew, she knew it wasn’t you on the phone yet, she didn’t know her own daughter who was also her caregiver. Can YOU live with that?
You didn’t attend her funeral. How could you not? Oh that’s right money and material thing’s although we all know that that will be denied and you’ll make it about something completely different but, in the end she was DYING! She was going to be leaving us, forever. I’m sorry that money and material thing’s got in the way of one of the most important “farewells” that you’ll ever encounter and now she’s gone and she’s at peace and YOU get to walk around with this in your heart until it’s your time to depart this earth. This I promise you, I truly hope that you never feel the same agony that my mother felt when you denied her. I also promise you this, if I’m welcome I’ll be there. I’d never deny you. No, never because at the end of the day nothing is more important to me than my family.
Here it is! I forgive you. I forgive you and I mean ALL of you and yes part of it is for selfish reasons.
You see my heart is so sensitive that I lie awake at night with rage in my brain and utter and complete sadness in my heart and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve allowed your actions to cripple me emotionally, to completely shatter my heart and yes, I carry my moms emotional pain with me even though she’s gone because I hadn’t learned how to “let go” of the pain she felt. Although she feels no more pain, I suffer for her. That’s just how my heart is. I can’t help it.
Finally at 3am on September 23, 2020 as I sat in my chair silently weeping for my mother it hit me. I had to release the restraints that you have had over my heart and my mind and I can only achieve this level by cutting the chains and restraints and forgive you from the deepest depths of my soul. I’m one of the most forgiving people I know yet, this was by far the hardest thing I’ve had to forgive. If I stayed locked up with rage, anger and pain then it takes up a part of my heart that I could be using to love with and that’s not something I’m willing to compromise. I’ve always taken pride with my ability to love, all.
I take back any bad thoughts that I have been fighting with and no, I don’t want to retaliate anymore. I finally have realized, in this situation that 2 wrongs don’t make a right and nothing I could possibly do to you could make my mom feel better because she’s gone, forever. So all along I thought it was about the pain you caused her and in a way it is but, ultimately it’s about the pain I’ve carried for almost a year maybe that makes me greedy too for wanting to part with this horrible emotional pain in my heart, mind and soul?
I know you don’t see your “wrong” in this situation so we can agree that this is solely to help me because you didn’t do “anything” wrong but, TODAY, September 23, 2020 I am FREE! I will hold my head high and I’ll be there for you all if called upon. I forgive you and your negativity will never take space in my heart qnd prohibite me from loving to my full potential.
Love, Patty-Jo