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So I haven’t spent much time on social media lately and I have very good reasons why. On October 23, 2019 I held my mother in my arms as she took her very last breath. Let’s back up a little though because that’s kind of the “ending”. I’m working on finding the new me, the one without a mother and I’m telling you it’s the most daunting task that I’ve ever endured.

The date was September 11, 2019 and it was mine and my moms 16 year sober anniversary. Yes, when I decided to get sober my mother said she’d also get sober. She said she’d never drink again if I didn’t and neither of us ever did. Now that’s a dedicated mother. She was sick. She had been sick for a very long time, 17 years to be exact. I was her caregiver, exclusively. It was then that she and I reversed our roles. I was more like the mother and she was more like the daughter. My mother had COPD, she lost a Kidney to cancer and she struggled with mental health Illness. I’m not going to say that she couldn’t be a handful but, I’m super glad that I was by her side for all of it. It was September 11, 2019 when my mother decided that her fight was over. She had suffered enough and she was ready to start her end of life journey. She was in the hospital and she was discharged to home to begin her Hospice and yes, I would be her caregiver. One of the biggest mistakes of my life but, I made that promise some 15 years earlier that If anything was to happen that I’d bring her to end of life. It felt safe to say yes at that point but, I hadn’t a clue what I had signed up for.

It was 43 grueling days from the day my mother decided to stop fighting until she took her last breath. I didn’t miss anything although thinking back now, that wasn’t a good thing. Yes, I do Hospice with so many families but, do you know how unnatural it is to deliver a dose of medication to the very woman that gave you life? That dose of medication that could end her life. Hospice isn’t to help you live longer or to die quicker but, for comfort. I mean that’s what they tell you anyway. It’s not natural, it’s gut wrenching, it’s heartbreaking and honestly the family should just be there to give love not to give the medications. That’s my personal feeling on that, now.

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Today I want to share what I’m eternally grateful for. I might have to work hard to care for these babies but, they most definitely keep me grounded. Although I’m still working through some tuff stuff these grandchildren keep me smiling!

I feel compelled to write this blog about “Upvotes”, yes the Universe of the blogging world for me, in the beginning anyway! I want to share how mine and “Upvotes” relationship matured over the course of a few months. This is actually very important to me and that’s why I’m writing this.

So Friday was a daunting day in our home and I’m going to tell you why! Talk about an array of emotions and all in one day! It will also lead to why my header image says “Thank you”!

Michael had made a fairly decent recovery from Chemotherapy and Radiation. He was still weak but, he even went back to work not long after treatment ended. I wasn’t happy but, that’s what he wanted! After about a month Michael started getting sick again. Michael got sicker and sicker and I was getting so scared but, never letting him see it. Well, maybe I lost it in front of him once or twice but, I tried hard not to.

We finally were both worried enough to get the Doctors involved. His pain went from zero to 10 and that’s a huge reason to be nervous. We called Oncology and they said call the ENT! That was a Friday and we called on a Monday. He had Michael come in that day. The ENT visually looked down his throat and said all looked well. I was happy and Michael was happy until, days later I found out he didn’t scope him. I went nuts. If you’ve ever looked down a throat you’ll know you can’t see very far. I was indeed upset.

Michael had his 1st PET Scan since treatment ended on Thursday. We would see the Oncologist on Monday. Everything changed on Friday when we found a LUMP exactly where Michael’s cancer

was! I don’t think we were ever so scared! My legs hardly could hold me up and he was petrified.

Michael took a leap of faith and called his Oncologist nurse to see if he could get the PET scan results. They aren’t supposed to do that but, I’m sure she knew that Michael was petrified. A lump and being so sick. She said, “Michael, I’m not supposed to do this and please don’t tell the Doctor because I could lose my job but, your PET IS NEGATIVE! WAIT, WHAT? Oh my gosh! This is what we’ve been waiting for! NEGATIVE! Later that day Patty called back saying that Doctor. Mason had her call to tell him the results were negative and we couldn’t be more grateful!

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Well do I have a story for all of you and for once I sound like Colin! I hope you all get a little giggle out of this! I know we are!

So my daughter and I started out penny shopping a couple months back. We quickly became friends with a couple managers and let’s say they gave us deals that we couldn’t resist! Oh how I wish we did though...alright maybe not because I got this time with Alyson! Score for mom on that one!

We had accumulated stuff and a lot of it. Alyson and I are equal money invested and we finally had enough for a yard sale! So really if we both make our $250.00 back we will be happy. We don’t even care about making money but, it was fun and kept me busy. Ya, a little extra would be nice but, I don’t set my sights to high with me because I know me lol! We worked hard to set this up and I was going to be doing this alone on Friday, Saturday and Sunday! I already knew this would be quite an adventure! It’s just one of things that you feel deep in your bones LOL!

Above here was my little “safety station”. I thought when someone came in they could grab a mask, gloves, a Clorox wipe or some hand sanitizer. Now this became the funniest part of my day. All day long as people would be LEAVING they’d ask me if they could take a black mask with them because they’d never seen them in the color, black. It was so weird to me. They had mask on and this was for when they got here and if they didn’t have one. Well, let’s say I lost a lot of black mask and someone stole

A pack of the Clorox wipes too! No Shame with these people LOL!

We had a lot of Children’s toys. We got them at 90% off, we knew they’d sell so we went all in with them. These 2 women show up with the most precious Little girl and the girl was begging for a “tea set”! The 2 women she was with said “No,

You don’t need one”! I was minding my business when the little girl came to me and said, “Can I have a Tea set”! “Oh dear lord look at that face”. How could I say no to angel face? I said, “Oh sweetie I’d love to give you one but, I heard the adults tell you no and they are the boss”! The one lady hollers over her shoulder, “Ya, that’s fine if you WANT to give her one” LOL! Well, I mean I really didn’t “want” to but, I sure was now LOL! The adults didn’t back me up and they let the child barter with me at the end. A free tea toy she didn’t

want anymore because she wanted the “pink Doctor kit”! Alright, alright, alright I did it and when I told my daughter she said, “Mom,

You’ve been had on that toy LOL! I’m sure they let her do that all of the time and she’s either got a ton of toys, she’s very well behaved because of bribes with toys to garage sale all day with them or they sell them”! Oh well, I’m a sucker and I laughed. If they are working a “gig” they really are pretty good! They got me!

So we ended up with 15 pounds of makeup and I separated all of it into bins. These 2 women come over and they go straight to the makeup. There’s a lot and I don’t want to get in the way. I say hello and I go sit. Woman number 1 asked me about a specific Foundation for her skin. It’s a $15 foundation and I told her $2.00. She said, “That’s to much”! I was dumbfounded and it wasn’t just over that fact that she said it was to much but, because as she’s yelling over $2.00 foundation her friend is trying to steal 5 tubes of $1.00 lipstick! What’s going on In this world? I got up out of my chair and went to the woman and said, “If you’re interested in those 5 tubes of lipstick I can get you a bag and they are only $1.00 each”. She said, “I’m not sure yet, I’m still looking”. I was thinking, “Ya, looking to walk away with 5 tubes of FREE lipstick LOL!

I’ve decided that this probably isn’t the best thing for me to do. Way to many people I know came

And how can I charge them? I literally gave so much away to my friends that I’ve decided I’m out of control lol. I am doing another sale today and I’m going to try to actually “sell”. I mean I made $200 but, I probably gave away $300 worth. It was fun shopping, I’m grateful I got to experience something new but, yardsales aren’t for me. I’ll do the shopping and someone else can sell because we’d go hungry with me looking over this sale!

I’m going to share something with you all that I’m sure I’ve never shared. When I was 18 years old

And pregnant for my daughter my mother brought me on a talk show. To find out why she brought me on and what talk show it was you can subscribe to Coil and Cinnamonvideo for just $5.00 a month! Subscribe today and never miss anything the creators write!

Today, 15 years ago I married my best friend. We’ve had our ups and downs and it’s been quite a ride but, here we are. Let me tell you how we met!

I met Michael at an AA meeting. I knew when I saw him and heard him speak that he had this amazing aura surrounding him. I went to his friend to talk about my brother and he instructed me to go speak to none other than, Michael! Oh I was nervous as all heck. I was 200 pounds, newly sober with no self-esteem to speak of!

Well, I approached him and he talked to me! I was on cloud 9! There was just something about him. Now in AA they say don’t ever hook up with anyone. No worries though because I wasn’t “hooking up”, I was gonna marry that man! Sounds crazy, right? We exchanged numbers but, I wasn’t confident that he’d use it! Well, we’d see!

Michael did use my number and we spent a lot of time chatting on the phone, something that men don’t do so to me this was a good sign! He finally invited me over to his place. It was perfect because I wouldn’t let him near my children, yet!

I went to his place and I had told my children where I’d be. My daughter who was 13 at the time proceeded to call me a total of 21 times during our visit. Our first visit. I saw this was going to be a problem. Alyson wanted mommy all to herself! Michael laughed, thank GOD and we continued on!

Michael and I had spent about 2 months together and he met the children and I met some of his. Yes, I said “some”. Together we have a total of 6 children on this earth and we have 3 in Heaven. I liked Michael but, I started seeing some arrogance. Arrogance doesn’t work for me and it’s not fair for me to ask him to change. The only one we can change is ourselves. I thought it was our “end”. When I told him he was so arrogant and it didn’t work for me he asked for another chance. He said nobody had ever told him this. I said yes, I’ll give you time. I’ll wait!

Me, Amy ( his oldest ) and Michael

Michael checked himself and agreed he was arrogant and he changed. The running joke is “Michael thought he was all that and a bag of chips until I took that bag of chips away and crushed them. He moved in with me and we were married just 90 days after we met. Everyone said we were crazy and we’d never make it! They are all divorced now but, here we are. Has it been a great time? Mostly but, not always.

Little Adam, Dad, Casey and Benny

We’ve had a lot of things happen in our life. Not all good and not all bad. Life. Right? I’m going to share the most private thing with all of you in the subscribers only section. So if you want to see how this ends then for $5.00 a month you can subscribe to Coil and also have access to Cinnamonvideo!

So my daughter found a new way to shop and it’s also a way for us to help many people. Once she found this way of shopping she dove right in and educated herself. This can be like a full time job. Many penny shop to sell the items but, we are donators. Here’s some of our more recent finds. Enjoy!

That lightbulb can last 22 YEARS! 1 penny!

We’ve gotten over 100 children’s books to donate.

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Today after such an amazing day yesterday I’m going to give you more of Alyson’s story! As of yesterday, Alyson’s voice has been heard! She was ready to share her story. We went to a benefit to #SaveOurChildren and for the 1st time in 14 year’s, I stood up as she asked and told it. Alyson’s amazing and I’m so proud! So let’s keep going.

I left off in my last blog that I was granted emergency custody of my daughter with her father having no contact at all, pending the outcome of the investigation. So Alyson was with me and doing very well all things considered. I brought her to a therapist that I had gotten in place before I even told her and when they were done they came to speak to me. The woman said, “Your daughter is so strong and there’s nothing we can do here for her. If you need us you call us but, she’s doing very well.

4 week’s passed and I finally heard from the lead Detective on our case. He asked me to come down to the State-Police station to talk, alone. I was a bag of nerves but, here goes nothing. I head down to talk to the detective, a day that will forever change my heart, mind and soul.

The Detective was waiting for me and something in my momma gut told me this wasn’t going to be good. We went into his office and he asked me to sit. Again, these are the words that will stay with me forever, “We have concluded our investigation Mrs. B and UNFORTUNATELY it’s, “He said, she said and there’s nothing we can do. To make an arrest without a confession would mean that we would need strong evidence to present to a jury and we have, none. She’s going to have to LET IT GO”! The words hit me like a sledgehammer! Not only did I have to tell my beautiful daughter that her father molested her friend, find out she also was molested but, now he would WALK SCOTT FREE”! I was busted! How could I tell my baby to, “GET OVER IT”!?

For $5.00 a month you can subscribe to Coil and Cinnamonvideo. You’ll never miss anything that we have to write or say. In this blog at the end is the video of me being my daughter’s voice, in public for the very 1st time ever. I hope you’ll subscribe and check it out! I’d love you to hear my daughter’s voice too.