So today was one of those days that I really had to take time to think about. Corona-virus has really changed life so much and nothing should just be done without thinking the situation through. Let me share my story.
My step-dad and I are very close. We were close before my mom passed away because we were always together. You see he was diagnosed with Bladder cancer 5 years ago. He went through treatment which ultimately lasted about a year. The cancer wasn’t cured with regular bladder cancer chemotherapy so he got to try it one more time. That also didn’t work but, he was blessed and was he was eligible for 2 separate Bladder cancer treatment, trials. We ended up getting dismissed from the trial because the cancer had gone up to both kidney’s. The regulations specifically said if the Cancer left the bladder and traveled then treatment must be stopped. That was the end of treatment. The way the Doctor left it was that my dad should live his life and when the Cancer started getting aggressive and got into the muscle, we would know and at that point they’d do symptom management. He’s done very well and we are so grateful! 5 years is about the time they gave us before this Cancer would get aggressive. Ding, ding we are at the 5 year mark. No, he’s not sick yet and again we are grateful but, we know that he will become ill in the future. We will keep praying for these good times for now.
Today my dad wanted to spend time with me. We haven’t spent a ton of time together since the Corona virus has hit us because honestly he doesn’t take it seriously enough and it scares me. He wears a mask of course but, besides that he’s not super attentive to the virus. When he called and asked me to go with him today I could tell that he actually needed this time with me. I was so anxious but, I didn’t want to let him down yet again. So I said, “Yes”!
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I’ve written a couple of blogs over the past couple of days and this blog is kind of the wrap up to those blogs. I want to share with you why I present myself the way I do. Why I choose survivor over victim!
I’ll never forget the day I walked into rehab. I walked in a very broken woman. I had been through a lot in my 30 years and not all of it was great. The intake process is where you sit 1 on 1 with a professional and tell them about your life. I shared that I had been subjected to some physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence and sexual abuse. I had 2 children before I was 20 and I buried 2 children before I was 25. Immediately the Doctor wanted to give me a “pass” to excuse all of my horrible behaviors and I was stunned! What about accountability? It was my fault that I decided to pick up alcohol and abuse it and drugs too. The Doctor went back and forth with me because he really wanted me to play the “victim” role and I knew that I couldn’t heal if I didn’t take responsibility for my own actions.
I didn’t enter rehab for a pity party, I entered rehab because I made horrible choices that I now wanted to fix. So here’s my thinking. If I’m not responsible for the bad in my life then how can I be responsible for the good? I was so confused and concerned when he practically begged me to blame everything on my parent’s and all the people that did me wrong. No, that wasn’t going to work for me. I wanted to work hard to become the best me that I could. I wanted to work hard to be the best broken person that I could be. I wanted to put as much into my recovery as I did getting sick and that was a lot! You see I’ve seen people play the blame game and wallow in self-pity and it kept them drunk and high. Exactly what I didn’t want to be.
When I walked into that rehab yes, I was a victim of several things however, those things were never going to go away so I had to find a way to co-exist with them. To the men that sexually abused me, they’d still be there when I got out. To the men that physically and mentally abused me, they’d also still be around. Alcohol and drugs, yup you guessed it they’d also still be around. I had to learn to co-exist with all of these and not let them control my life. The more attention I paid to them the more they could hurt me. So I wasn’t going to be the victim to them. I was going to do the opposite and fight like heck to be the survivor and to me that’s, winning!
I have been through a lot and some of it was just recently. The death of my mom being huge and my husband’s diagnosis to cancer very soon after. People are forever asking me how I just keep going! What choice do I have? I’m not going to kill myself, I’m not going back to drugs and alcohol so my choices are limited. I either lay down and play victim or again I fight like heck to be a survivor and I choose to be a survivor!
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I wrote a blog the other day and I shared it exclusively within the Coil community. It wasn’t something that I felt comfortable sharing with everyone but, sharing with the people I blog with all of the time is very easy for me. These are people that I’ve learned to trust.
The blog I wrote was slightly uncomfortable to write but, I’m alright with that because my blogging is not just to help others, it’s also to help me rid myself of any burdens that I may carry. I don’t like carrying burdens so I choose to forgive fairly quickly. I’m completely opposite from my mom on this. If you did her wrong she’d cut you out of her life and it was a done deal. I never could understand that and I wouldn’t be comfortable with that and after getting sober I learned that taking some of my load off was ever so important.
I’ve shared many times that I did Hospice on my beautiful friend Carol. She had 4 children and with that came a lot of stuff. Some not so good. After Carol’s passing one of the daughter’s started saying lots of horrible thing’s about me. I’ve known her since I was a young girl and I chose not to defend myself because I knew everything she said was, false. She was grieving her mom and from another state and I can’t imagine how she felt. I blocked her on all of my devices and my life went on. I can’t let the negativity of anyone drag me down. I’ve got my own stuff.
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Back on August 1st I wrote a blog about how Michael and I had had a major change in our relationship following him fighting and ultimately beating cancer. Things weren’t good and we knew we had some major work to do. I personally was thinking of leaving for a bit to try to figure everything out but, my daughter, her fiancé and my grandson are here . That wouldn’t have been in everyone’s best interest so, I stayed and we did the work.
Michael and I found ourselves butting heads all of the time after he found out that he was in remission from his Cancer. He had changed and I also had changed. We had 2 choices to pick from. We either buckled down and addressed these issues or we parted ways after being married for almost 15 years. It seemed like a no brained so we got to work. This is not easy work if you’re not a humble person because you literally have to be able to point out your own flaws, listen to your partner pick out your flaws and then try to fix them. Hmmm. That’s truly something that can be challenging but, when you’ve invested almost 15 years of your life to someone it’s what I feel needs to be done. So we started to work on things. We weren’t willing to just throw it all away. Marriages aren’t disposable and we wanted to know that we fought hard for the love that we share.
One thing Michael and I never lack is love. Love doesn’t dwindle because of conflict. Love is permanently embedded into our hearts. It never was about love. It was about the fact that at the time of conflict Michael wasn’t exactly someone that I’d chose to be my friend and he felt the same about me. Period. We just were being jerks. We admit it.
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It’s dark. It’s really dark. I think, What can I do? Where can I go? I don’t know so, I stay put in my home I cry. I wish things would become normal again but, I know normal as I knew it is gone.
These are the thoughts in my head. My friends share so I know many feel the same. Get out of bed, get coffee, go to the chair and sit. Time passes and I get up and move to yet another chair. I’m working on a list. A list of things I can do with my leg Injury and Corona virus. It’s hard but, I’m waiting for the new norm. Gosh it’s dark.
This is so true. I miss the “old” me. The old me could fall in a slump, pull out of it and get back on my feet. Now it lingers. The darkness, the sadness and sometimes the anger I’m angry. We missed our summer vacation, I still am missing people that I love and gosh I miss my mom although, I’m not sorry that she missed the Corona virus. I know I’ll be happy. Soon. Not yesterday, not today but, maybe tomorrow. This really is my new norm right now. The Corona blues.
I’m quiet. I don’t really know what to say. I wanted to write a blog yesterday but, my brain was dark and my words were lost. I could have made myself write like I am today but, I didn’t want to bring my darkness to you but, this is my blog and this is where I can get it out. Tomorrow might be better! That’s always an exciting thought. I’m always looking forward to tomorrow!
I am a survivor! I’ve survived alcoholism, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and I’ve come out on top! Corona virus will not ruin me but, it will reshape me. I will mold to the new rules because I’ve got no choice. They say wear a mask, if I say no then I don’t go in. They say social distancing and if I don’t I risk getting the Corona virus. I will adapt. I will be alright, just not today.
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I want to share a situation with all of you that’s truly left me confused. I thought about it for days and I decided I needed to write about it because I’m sure I’m not the only one to ever encounter this situation. So let me tell you about the situation that’s left me dazed and confused.
I had noticed that one of my family members was being very cold and distant from me. It’s not someone that I’d expect that from and it left me very confused. Immediately I jumped into my head trying to figure out what I could have done to upset them. I literally never try to hurt anyone so if I did hurt them I certainly didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to run right to the person because I was feeling a little intimidated and I’m not one for confrontation. So I thought. I thought long and hard about this. I couldn’t come up with anything that I I did that would be upsetting to them. They had just gone through a breakup and I was loving and supportive and did everything I could to ease the pain. I listened. Hours of chatting and me not having any answers at all but, I listened.
This was a long relationship that fell apart. 8 years down the drain. I’m equally close to the significant other that was now the “EX”! BINGO! There it was! I was still close to the now, “EX”
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How important is keeping your word to you? How important is it that someone keeps their word to you? So to me it’s very important. There’s nothing worse than a broken promise. I actually have a deal with my children called the, “No broken promises” deal. It’s very hurtful and once you go back on your word just once then trust is so compromised and very hard to fix.
I think growing up our parents didn’t keep promises the way that I do. I will never ever forget being promised that trip to Disney that never happened. That’s what inspired me to always keep my word to my children, “No broken promises” because they hurt.
I like to think that I’m a woman that has integrity. Keeping my word is so important to me that it’s even gotten me in some very tough situations. This happened recently right before Michael was diagnosed with Cancer. I was asked by a woman to do her end of life Hospice care. She didn’t have anyone to bring her to the end and she knew me, felt comfortable with me and trusted me. She and I obviously had to meet face to face to talk about this and when we met, the decision was made. I’d bring her to her end of life. Now that’s a huge undertaking and one that’s got to be taken so seriously of course.
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We have our beautiful babies or we receive the gift of our beautiful grand-babies and we know that we’ve got 5 years and then we turn them over to the school and they educate them, help socialize them, help them make memories that last a lifetime and help them get ready for the real world. I mean I learned to write a check in, school. Now what’s going to happen with Corona virus? My 1st born Grandson, Fynn is set to start Kindergarten in September but, now the teachers don’t feel safe going back. Now what?
I know for me that the day my kids started kindergarten was so emotional. I had raised them up to 5 and now the school took over. The school obviously has a lot of responsibility with our children and I have always respected the school system. What happens when a Pandemic hits? What happens when the teachers say, “We don’t feel safe going in to teach”? Where does it leave these little ones that need school as a vital part of their life? I don’t know. I truly and honestly don’t know. I’ll tell you what I do know though. Fynn is so excited to start school, his parents are nervous because there’s no social distancing plans in place,
No new ventilation systems have been put in and the teachers don’t want to be there. The Governor said, “send them back”! Everyone’s conflicted and it’s made it so confusing for us, the families.
“I am 5 now Greema and the bus can take me to school, I’m so excited greema and I’m getting new clothes and making new friends”. That’s what his innocence little mind is thinking. Then you’ve got the teachers and in no way do I blame them. Times are truly scary and unpredictable at this time. They don’t want to go back into a classroom with 20 children who can’t possibly social distance. They don’t want to go back wearing a mask 8 hours a day and they are genuinely unhappy with the lack of authority taking care of all of these issues before we got closer to September. They already said around here that K-6 would go 5 days a week and all day. Then 7-12 would go every other day and do ½ in school and ½ from home. Here are my concerns.
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Decisions, Decisions!
