pattyb09952203

The month was September, the date was the 11th and the year was 2003. I’ll never forget entering Mcpike rehab in Utica New York. I was alone, afraid but, determined. I was determined to drop my bad habits so I could be the best mom that I could be. This is where Scott comes in! Today during his visit it truly hit me that he’s most of the reason why I’m sober. Although I don’t remember much, Scott remembers everything and he shared so much today. Let’s hop into it.

I had decided that I wanted to go to rehab to get my life together. I was an alcoholic and I also doddled in drugs. I started at a young age and now I was 30 years old. I had 2 children to raise on my own and I wanted them to make better choices than I did so it was up to me to set that example. I asked my mom to take my children for 28 days and my journey to sobriety began.

We pulled up to this building which is Mcpike rehab in Utica, New York. I was 2 ½ hours away from everyone I knew. I wanted to do this so I dried my tears, grabbed my bags and walked through that front door. My stomach was in knots and I questioned my decision. Did I really want to give up stuff that I loved so much? YES, of course I did. Even if I didn’t it wasn’t about me anymore, it was about my children and setting the right example. This is a state run rehab and it’s the bottom of the barrel and so was I. I knew I was right where I needed to be!

I wasn’t there for 24 hours when I met Scott. There was people all over me because I was a smoker that had cigarettes, I know it’s a bad habit but, I couldn’t quit everything! People were all over me and I can’t really say no therefore I was ripping through everything I had. Scott watched this for a little bit and then decided it was time to step in. He introduced himself, got everyone away from me and from there we developed a friendship that would last just as long as our sobriety has, almsot 17 years!

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If you read my blog regularly then you know by now that I share very openly and honestly. My life is an open book in hopes of helping others who might find themselves in situations that I’ve already encountered. This ones a little tough but, I’m ready to share. So let’s go!

I knew when Michael got the diagnosis of Cancer it would be life changing. How could it not? Every aspect of our life changed. Literally! No more freedom to move around as we wished. No more random “let’s go” trips and these are the things in our relationship that keep us very connected. We were now bound to the hospital 5 days a week and the other 2 days he was just sick. Then enter Covid-19 and that’s the end of that. So we’ve spent months and months home fighting the evil disease called Cancer!

Treatment finally ended, they said he was in remission and I discovered that so much about the old Michael was gone. Seriously just, gone. His cancer changed him. It changed his outlook on life, his views on many things and even his attitude. I believe his Cancer also changed me. Not for the better and I’m going to tell you more about that in just a few minutes. So here’s a man and a woman who’ve been married for almsot 15 years, bumping heads, arguing, disagreeing on so much and honesty just not knowing one another the way we used to, pre-cancer. So what do we do? Where do we go from here?

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Well, I guess what they say is true once you have children, “The only thing you can count on is nothing going as planned”! I thought that ended once they grew up out of baby stages. Nope. Not true. Let me tell you about yesterday’s adventure with my 30 year old!

Michael’s brother and SIL are in town from Michigan. They’ve been here since last Sunday and yesterday we finally were getting together with them. We were going to the big blue lake, Lake George!

We love Lake George but, seeing we live here we tend to take it for granted and forget about it. Sad. I know! Yesterday was our day though. We were getting a boat and spending the day cruising and catching up with our Michigan family until my phone rang.

It wasn’t a regular call it was a FaceTime call. The call was from my son’s girlfriend and she was absolutely panicked. She kept saying, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do”. She’s an RN and I’m a CCT who worked the ambulance for many years. In the background I could see my son starting a Grand Mal seizure. The reason she hasn’t already called was because Adam wasn’t in the Grand Mal when we first started the call. He was Preictle. He was running his hands down his face over and over and crawling around the bed. The crawling suddenly stopped and the Grand Mal started. She was so scared and confused and thought maybe Adam had taken something he shouldn’t have but, he’d worked the overnight as did she, they went home and had breakfast together and then went to bed together. This is what she woke to.

I told her to call 911, I called my daughter to get over to him because she was only 5 minutes away and I was almost 30 minutes away and we told Michael’s brother and SIL we were sorry but, we had to go I mean no matter what age they are, they’ll always be our babies. I was so scared on the ride down to my son. With all of the negativity in my life lately I guess I just assume the worst. My daughters an Epileptic but, what are the chances that my son is? Well, I found out that the chances were very good!

Between Andrea and I we decided that I should go to the hospital with him because I’m mom and I have the family history to share. Thank you Andrea! Finally 1 person can go in with a patient but, you can’t leave and come back in. Fine with me because there was zero chance of me leaving my child. He was out of the seizure but, he was Postictile and just out of it. His blood pressure was very high and the Doctor gave him medication to relax his very tense body and to get his BP back to normal range. It was just as scary going through this with the 2nd child as it was the 1st. My daughter was diagnosed with Epilepsy while she was pregnant with my grandson. I was devastated. That’s a big and life changing diagnosis. I mean you can’t even drive until you’re seizure free for a year. Thank god for that but, it’s so life changing.

They ran a multitude of test and the Doctor was very certain that it was time to start the Anti-Seizure medication, Keppra. It’s not our first rodeo. It’s the exact medicine they put my daughter on. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I had heard all of this before and just 2 ½ years earlier and I honestly was in such disbelief. As I write this, I still am.

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I had a different kind of weekend than I usually do. This weekend I decided to shut out of social media, turn off my phone ringer and spend sometime with myself. This is something that doesn’t come easy to me as I’ve shared before however, it was needed so I made myself hunkerdown! Here are some of the ideas that I visited this weekend and I’d like to share them.

Our world is changing . I think I was in denial. I had it in the back of my head that somehow, someway we’d get back to where we were before the Corona virus came and turned us upside down. Am I ready for this? Are you ready for this? This is such a hard question because we don’t know what the future holds. It’s a mystery and one that nobody seems to have the answers to. For now I’m going to share some of things that I’ve been told that actually inspired my thinking weekend.

We know change has come but, where’s it going? Oh that’s right we already don’t know the answer to that question. I was going to talk about the only facts that I do know. I do know that I have to continue to be ready for change. I know 2 school teachers and both have shared with me that they’ve been working very closely with their schools to try to figure out if the kids will spend 3 days home and 2 in school or Vice-Vera. These teachers are in different states so it’s not just New York. I did listen to our Governor say he wasn’t ready to make decisions like this yet but, the schools are? Seems strange to me. So yes when the teachers shared this information with me I was shocked. My denial again or maybe it’s because I thought the Governor makes these decisions? My grandson is starting Kindergarten in September and it’s finally sinking in that Fynn’s school experience is going to be completely different than all of ours. Astonishing to me! Sad too in so many ways.

Our food supply. I've watched some of my fellow bloggers, blog about growing their own food! I do think that's wonderful but, it's just hitting me that they are doing this because our food sources could become compromised and especially fresh veggies and fruits. My brain wanted to think it was all for the fun or love of gardening. Perhaps some is but, some people are smart and they are looking ahead into the unforseeable future and they are preparing for the unknown in our food supply. Already “supply and demand is doing it's thing in my area. Usually a dozen of large eggs are about $1.70 each. We went shopping and were shocked when the eggs were almost $5.00 a dozen! I was perplexed so I aaked the cashier, “Why, why are these eggs so expensive and she simply said, “Supply and demand”. Begrudgingly, I bought the eggs.

So what if THIS is actually the “best of times”? What if this is only the beginning of something way bigger than we ever dreamt? Will the men in my home go out and hunt the food? I’m not trying to be dramatic or knock the supply of food off quicker but, these now are things I have to think about. I know I can catch fish. Should I have started a garden too seeing that fresh veggies might not be so easy to get in the future? Yes, I wish I didn’t have my head in the sand since March. Alright, I’m going to take a little off myself because I was dealing with my husband’s cancer since March and it counsumed me. It consumed my mind and it honestly was easier downplaying the whole Corona virus situation. I figured as Michael healed so would the world. Boy I was so wrong. Here it is July and Michael beat his Cancer but, the worlds still changing, daily.

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The other day I made a video explaining how I was very nervous for 25.5 million Americans that are set to lose their unemployment next week. There’s pros and cons to this unemployment situation and I’d love to give my view.

In March our whole world changed right before our eye’s. Not only was my husband diagnosed with Cancer but, we met something called, “COVID-19”! It was absolutely crippling. Millions of Americans would find themselves without a job. This included members of my own family. We had an eclectic group. I had a daughter and a daughter-in-law

that are RN’s, a son that does security on overnights in a very high end retirement community and then people that lost their jobs. Thankfully the ones that lost their jobs were able to receive unemployment and also the first round of stimulus checks. CARES ACT was put into place and people didn’t feel so desperate. No, this couldn’t last forever.

If you were approved for unemployed then you’d get whatever the % was from what you made previously and then they added an extra $600 that’s set to expire on July 25th for most areas but, if you’re on New York it expires on July 26th. So the people in NY have 1 more check before the benefit it terminated. Now I’m all about people working, making money and paying bills but, what happens when that decision is out of your hands and you have no control? Naturally you’ll need help.

As Americans brace to lose this benefit the panic is on! How am I going to pay rent? How will I keep my lights on, how will I feed the children? Overwhelming to say the least.

Now I think that some people made more money at home with Unemployment and they just don’t want to go back to work and that’s a problem but, what if they are afraid to go back to work because they work in the public and they are scared to catch the Corona virus? Maybe they are young enough and they aren’t scared for themselves but, they are scared to carry it to anyone else. Especially an elderly or immune compromised person. I know all about social distancing and face mask but, people are still scared. I’m 1 of them but, I don’t have to work outside of my home.

I made my video the other day and I vowed to do my part to help others and I urged others to do the same . I have a pantry full of food and I certainly can share but, I am only 1 person.

https://www.cinnamon.video/watch?v=368719035551975369

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My brother and I got into a conversation the other day and it’s the first time we’ve ever spoken about this subject and when he brought it up I was just floored. I want to share it with you because it’s something that’s stuck with my brother for many years! Come along!

My brother said to me, “Sis, wanna hear something totally crazy”! Well of course I do. I mean Corona life is pretty boring. So he proceeded to tell me that when he was 9 years old he was at one of his baseball games. My mom was there to watch . We all used to go but, this game was just my mom My dad would usually show up with the Police car and clock his pitching with the radar gun but, mom went alone this time. At age 9 he was throwing over 100 MPH! What an arm! At this particular game though it was just my mom and my brother. My brother ran over to grab his seeds and gum. At that time my brother said something and my mom said, “Jamie, none of this is real. It’s all a Dream. You’re sleeping right now and none of this is happening. Sleep well my son”! My brother scoffed at this and said, “mom wow why would you say that? I’m awake and playing ball! Now pinch me and I’ll feel it”! She pinched him, he felt it and she said, “It doesn’t matter bud, this is all just a Dream”! He kept saying, “prove it” and so did she. Stalemate! Neither could prove anything so all that was left was the wondering!

My brother is 45 years old and this still swirls around in his head! Honestly though it is kind of a crazy thought. Is this real life? Is this a Dream? How would we know? I guess we wouldn’t.

The funny thing is my mom did the same exact thing to me when I was a young girl. My brother and I are opposites and he holds things and I try to let them go. I couldn’t believe this was still on his mind! She also told me this was all a dream and we just hadn’t woken up yet and I shared that with my brother the other day. I said, “Bud, mom told me the very same thing but, I just let it go! Ya, I thought about it then but, it drove me nuts so I had to let it go”. He was so shocked. Like, “why would mom say that to us? It’s so weird sis and I’ve never been able to shake it”! Now I know how powerful that silly little statement was!

I told my brother that life is what you make it. Does it matter if you’re awake or if you’re sleeping? Isn’t it kind of funny having a different look at life? It’s strange but, funny not really knowing. Dreaming or not you only have 1 life to live so live it. He was perplexed. He couldn’t understand how I could let it go and he held it with wonder for so long. I guess I let it go because I always believed that life is what you make it. Who care’s if you’re awake or asleep. Yes, it truly got into my head too when she said it. I had to let it go. It was driving me mad!

So somewhere out there, there’s a boy and he’s my brother. He’s got no clue if he’s living life or living a Dream. I too was perplexed when I found out that he hung on to this for that many years. He’s never let it go, he’s always wondered and he probably always will. I guess when our mom says it we put so much faith in her words. She’s a powerful being and that’s a fact. She’s made my brother wonder for all of these year’s with a silly little play with words. Wow mom, powerful! So powerful!

I had so much anxiety leading up to my Birthday yesterday because as I shared in another blog, I wasn’t celebrated because I celebrated my mom. It was her “BIRTH” day and I made sure she got all of the credit! Not me!

Well, yesterday came and there was no stopping it. No matter what it was my Birthday and my family wasn’t going to just let this go. It would have been unrealistic of me to even expect that! Right? I mean when my mom was alive they just knew that I was with Nana and it was all good. Now Nana’s gone though and they didn’t want to let me down. I didn’t want any attention but, how can you ask your family not to “love you”! I decided to let go and go with the flow!

I have to say that we’ve raised quite a young lady! She took the bull by the horns and she made sure that I had a wonderful day. Wonderful for me is being surrounded by my loved ones. She went way above that! She actually had a party for me. Wow. Just wow.

She had balloons, all of my grandchildren and even dinner for everyone! She got me a Fitbit and made me feel so appreciated. I had no idea. I literally just never liked the attention on, me but, really it was alright!

A beautiful cake and then someone really special ended up at the door.....

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I love conversations. I love long conversations and ones that we really deal with the meat and potatoe of a subject. I’m in a wedding this weekend and I did just this with the bride yesterday and I’m praying it made a difference. Putting expectations on outcomes is a sure way to get yourself disappointed and yes, I’m guilty too!

Although I think I’m to old I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend to honor my great friend, Chip. Chip and I go way back and so does his fiancé and I . We all worked the ambulance together. I left the ambulance years ago but, Chip and I continued our friendship and I actually made Chip Captain of my boat because I couldn’t drive it. We are fishing partners and he’s someone I can talk to about anything! I lost contact with his fiancé, Angela but, she was great with mine and Chip’s friendship and asked me to be in the wedding, I said yes.

Naturally, before the big day things start falling apart. The family that’s in the wedding from out of town says they aren’t coming, the photographer changes up and leaves them without one ( that’s all fixed. Michael is doing it as the wedding gift ) and Someone that was making lots of food isn’t coming and isn’t sending the food! What a mess! Right?

I find when I put expectations on any outcomes there’s disappointment! Every time. Every single time. That happened time and time again and then I learned, “If I put ZERO expectations on anything I do then I can have ZERO disappointments because I expected nothing. Absolutely nothing”! This is what I told Angela. I said, “Angela, usually the only thing you can absolutely count on is things not going the way you planned. If you don’t try to control the outcome then you can’t be disappointed, you won’t be losing sleep over things you can’t control and what will be will be! I know a wedding is a huge deal but, honestly she’s got no control over the outcome. No matter what though she’ll be marrying her love and in the end that’s what truly matters. She said she felt better after that talk and honestly, so did I! You see I said I’m guilty too so it’s a wonderful reminder for me. I can apply this to everything in my life.

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You can follow me on Twitter @PattyB09952203