On holidays, family and boredom
I'm very ashamed and upset to feel very low at this period of the year: 1) During the holidays 2) While with my family 3) When my best friend is visiting from abroad
It makes me feel like I don't appreciate a single valuable thing in this life – holidays, family and friends.
Even though somewhere on top of my head I do understand the reason behind all this. I've had a very stressful month (or a year) when it comes to my work and personal projects. I've shown once again I'm so bad at understanding my inner voice that's telling me it's too much and I shouldn't take more in.
I've put so much burden over my shoulders. I'm anxious from not meeting the external expectations because I have none of my own. All of the appreciation is left on the outside. Which has left me with:
1) Social anxiety with the ones who should be the closest to me – my parents, my sisters, my best friend 2) Being afraid of boredom as it will leave me alone with my racing thoughts, which I fear will leave me with being more anxious and depressed than I already am
From what I know about mental health, it's that you should do more of what you fear. So right now, I believe I should call the person I'm afraid to talk with (which at the moment is my elder sister) and after that leave some time to do nothing. Two goals for today. Or for life.
On the other hand, I feel so tired of working on all this, fighting these episodes all the time. But I just don't have the luxury of not doing so.
Being so detached from myself and my own inner voice for so long has left me with always being dedicated to wrong jobs, wrong projects, wrong ways to spend my energy.
Being so exhausted from work and from trying to prove myself to others has left me afraid of experiencing life in its slow beauty. I'm 29 and have changed so many jobs and hobbies and interests that I don't feel I've ever took some time to do nothing. So now I believe I should try and make a slow introduction to some boredom and time with myself, no matter how scary that feels.