♪ Hl gvoo nv wziormt, wl blf drhs dv'w uzoo rm olev? ♫

Vulnerability, probably

It's not that Brene Brown was wrong about vulnerability or that I don't think highly of her. It's the problem that no one has a handbook of what vulnerability is. So we often see the over-display of whether arrogance or being a victim or being a justice warrior. And none of those are convincing. Because we are all multi-dimensional.

Different people and different situations raise different emotional responses and in real-time. Insisting to be just one thing means denying others. And it will certainly have consequences.

No I wasn't using avoidance coping because I thought emotions were weak. I used it because anyone who ever dealt with sadistic individuals knows that they prey on emotional reactions so let's not give them the satisfaction. Over usage of it is problematic. But even then, I had a wide range of emotions to give. But it had to be with specific people and situations. When you call everyone “darling” and think it's your hyperempathy speaking, I have to ask a question: “Is your problem neurodevelopmental, or personality?”. Because anyone develops empathy relationally knows that it's not genuine. And the fact that you can't tell the difference between real empathy and a performance certainly says something about you.

Even when we are alone, all the internal dialogues are formed in contexts of relations with other people. So every day I have different voices as responses to different audiences I have in mind.

And because empathy is the recognition of our own emotional states in others' lives, sometimes it sounds like I'm talking to you because I am. Do you know which notes are for you?

There is a certain plot in Korean drama where a girl pretends to be a boy for various reasons. Always been interested for I know someone whose parents gave them a boy's name as a joke. Then people find out she is a girl and she has to live with her real identity. Then she wears girls' clothes, suddenly she has to act illogically and be a pushover and now I lose my interest. Because I have 3 dresses and I don't want that to happen to me.

“I already told them that you are not at all like the rumors” – Nga said

I was happy she had a side project.

But thought to myself. If someone interacts with me and decides not to like me, however I feel about them, at least there is some respect. But if they decide to love me or hate me based on someone else's opinions, then I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway.

Fluctuate between being sad and being evil.

The sheer idea that one does something out of the joyful process of making it seems to offend many. So you have people shaming you for writing but not reading, creating games but not playing them, or drawing but don't care for museums.

Irvin Yalom chatbot says my depressive personality is kicking in today.

Have you heard about the fun fact that just an act of kindness from a stranger can send an autistic person to a meltdown? Because it seems to apply to at least 2 people I know, and one of them is me. Sometimes it happens right in public spaces and you don't know what to do.

When I was 22, I taught this boy the same age but in special education animation. He said I was the best teacher. And I thought it was the most humane interaction I had in years. He was autistic, but I didn't know I was too back then.

♪ I wish that we could sail our sad days away forever in deep blue seas of paper mache ♫

She didn't even mention the name of her crush once. So what's the point of having an encrypted diary anyway.