view1. Introduction
There is a concept called engulfment. And in textbook it claims that it's part of a cycle after they get close to someone. It sounds so romantic. To cope with the reality, many people convince themselves that the more they push you away, the more they actually and secretly love you. The only obstacle between you and a passionate true love is a cursed disorder, through no fault of anyone’s.
2. Example (not real story)
Imagine. I like ice cream, leather shoes, and this band named Bad Dogs. This borderline person named B is getting close to me and absorbing my personality. So now B likes those three things, making the combination his personality.
After 2 months. I don't like ice cream anymore because it's bad for my throat. I think Bad Dog is very lame now with their new album. I still like leather, but B looks extra ugly in leather and that is confirmed by everyone.
So now B’s personality is invalidated. By me for the ice cream and Bad Dogs. By everyone with eyes for the leather.
B feels heartbroken without knowing where it comes from. Without complete symmetry, my sheer aloof existence becomes a constant criticism to B. This is engulfment for B where I don't even know that I'm a part of it.
“But if trying to be close to someone causes you so much hurt, it must be love, right?” B think.
3. The twist
So now you know why transition of identity doesn't work. It's not changing from ice cream to yogurt as your favorite snack. It's changing to pink dress because you expect other people will like it, while you don't even know if yourself like the pink dress. Because who you are is based on if people validate you. For everyone who doesn't, is an attack on your identity.
4. About love
Many people say that love is supposed to feel good. But what kind of good?
Because total symmetry would feel good to a lot of people too. But is it realistic? And then you also have the question of what kind of symmetry?
Because if you too identify yourself with someone else’s favorite drink, their job, or their background, you might invent a totally different version of them. And having a false perception of someone is normal and human. But when you already identified yourself with a false version, reality will be an attack on you.