thaison

In psychoanalysis, there are paranoid-schizoid position and depressive position. So people who know that theory know that the depressive position is a mark of maturity.

In politics, you might find them saying things like “Both sides have grifters and exploiters”, or “The majority have similar views, just the loudest voices are extremists”.

But being a centrist is about as easy as being nice to a customer service people. And no, being nice to them is not enough to make you dating material despite what Reddit says.

But if you know what's the reasonable stand to take, how much of it is how you actually feel and how much of it is you trying to be mature? Many times, you are not actually in the depressive position, but you are in the defense against splitting. And defense against splitting does not mean depressive.

Even when they try to think nice for everyone, why is it wars in a foreign country are mass hysteria? But if your own country is involved, that's legitimate? Just because you don't think people are evil does not mean you are not splitting.

The thing is, you don't know everything. And the depressive position involves uncertainty and anxiety. Question is, is trying to understand it or trying to be a reasonable voice in public more important to you?

Nope. Not getting any better. And now my legs are hurting too.

Feeling stupid today. But I think will be better tomorrow.

“Oh I want to look like a girl nerd because I'm an academic and that's cool. In my academic circle, people who care for look are not for substance. Yes I'm a depressive analyst!”

No, you are a moralizer. Depressive by definition is accepting the world as unreliable and unpredictable. The loss therefore turns inward.

And while we are at it, I hate feminists because they devalue people with more traditional ways of living like my friends and family members. Actually they frequently idealize certain characteristics that I have. But who's in a normal mind would want someone else to be looked down on so that they would feel better about their personal choices anyway?

They do things like free the nipples in public to prove that biological difference is no biggie. Well I guess biology is still up to debate.

What definitely and totally in their control are choosing a career that matches ability and reality, choosing to do math over makeup or the opposite, choosing a partner with a compatible personality. They don't seem to be interested in any of that.

Why change something you can't and spend zero effort on something you can. It's all too familiar with how a narcissistic grandiose not to be achieved in but to escape reality. With reality being who they really are.

I actually haven't bought avoidant as an attachment style, or bought attachment styles in general. But I understand avoidance as a defense.

The thing is the avoidance started because people made fun of my parents, not because they made fun of me. But then I just felt uncomfortable in general with all types of displaying emotions.

After leaving my one real job, I was trying to work alone. Though I did get some gigs illustrating books, I didn't feel comfortable with my expressions. At the same time, I did a side project in my spare time drawing childhood themes. It's not very profitable because the coloring book trend was already about to end at that time. But I did it because I thought it would be beneficial for me to find my style long term. I used to have several books on Amazon with reviews though they are not available anymore.

It got repetitive after a while. But in the beginning, I got scared and almost wanted to cry every time I posted a new picture. Because every story has an element of real life. Either something happened to me, or something I wanted for myself. Feeling exposed. I thought then, I was no longer in an environment that would use it against me anymore. So after like 20 more times, I didn't feel scared anymore. As more and more people contacted me and said they like my expressions, I got even more brazen in the next picture.

Although people had trouble mistaking me as the polite customer service one. I was actually the selfish, arrogant, boy-obsessed one as in the pictures. But, well, I had to sell merch too.

So I wasn't always like this. It doesn't sound like much but it was a huge step for me. I know how an environment can change a person. But you can also find yourself again just by meeting new people.

♫ Overseas from coast to coast to find a place I love the most ♪

Talking about being arrogant and smear campaigns, I had the promiscuous reputation in junior high. All because I had no intention of hiding my interests in boy. Boy, as a concept. As people, most of them are insufferable and I didn't/don't hang out with them. But I like biological differences. As a girl among a group of peers mostly function on moralizing defense because their parents were strict and wanted them to be academically successful, they think the opposite of a good student is the lust for boys. Well they definitely have it too because they also hated it when boys chased me. They hated it even more when I refused to pretend to be shy and reserved. Yeah what's that for?

Never had a REAL boyfriend despite all the rumors. Just because I'm curious about biology doesn't mean I don't also hate people for their personalities.

Borderline is way more of a sore thumb to me than narcissistic. Narcissistic I can understand. Because when I'm not sad I'm arrogant. But splitting is a whole new way of seeing the world that I never wanted to or tried to be a part of. Very irritating.

Some problematic people who compared war to rape is splitting. Question is, why do they split? Because you don't split about something you don't understand academically. You split when it relates to you on a personal level. It could be the case that you want someone to suffer physically. Seeing them as complete evil would make your case more convincing to outsiders. So you split out of pure sadism. Or it could be the case that someone gives you money to spread a smear campaign about another person. Seeing them as a complete evil would make your action justified. So you split out of guilt.