thaison

Actually it's not even a new discovery. It's something I should have already known but somehow it occurred just yesterday.

I often start celebrating on the first day back to work after holidays. Their back-to-work. I work during, and only begin to have fun when everybody else's fun is over.

Hehe. I just found out one more thing.

Burned my tongue drinking coffee.

Object relationers sound really corny when they say “Narcissistically dysfunctional people don't believe in love”.

Then Freudian come in and say “They need to camouflage.” without explaining why wouldn't they just be their normally selfish self to save the work.

Then medical people come in with behavior checklist pages in the DSM and tell you “shame” is the origin of their disorder.

But why does one thing have to do with another?

Being human means imperfection. But when someone can't accept half of themselves, they can't accept that in another person. So when they are alone they might think once someone suitable comes around, they will treat that person well, and they really mean it at that moment.

But any attempt to get close to another person will face with the reality that the person they have found, is, in fact, not perfect. And attempt to resolve that reality, either accept that they made a wrong initial judgment, or that they are not that warm or generous toward someone else as they have hoped, or that they have the weakness to be dependent on another person,... is a proof, that, they themselves, in fact, not perfect.

That triggers shame. And what do you do when you feel shame? You try to prove that everyone else is wrong. There comes camouflaging.

That's why the opposite of narcissism is not kindness, or generosity. It's about not accepting easy sets of answers from someone else but finding the answers yourself.

I know many people are badly trained but even in the basic conversation among teenagers or between cousins, you are supposed to talk about your fear, what you dream of, not a description of your disorder. You don't just say that's rejection sensitivity and call it a day (which by the way, not a real thing).

So now what. You have a name for it, it doesn't seem like your fault but either biology or society. So you probably won't do anything about it, even the most basic task you can do – think.

For someone who sees that they can do nothing but kindness, that “sensitivity” comes from assigning bad intentions to everyone else. Then the “rejection” might be 1% real.

For someone who puts others' needs first, it might not have anything to do with either “rejection” or “sensitivity”, but probably means they don't know if they are entitled to others' time and effort.

Putting words into your experiences is more important than having any diagnosis.

If ignoring someone is bullying, I bullied around at least a few hundred people. That's the minimum number of people in the world whose top priority is getting approval from someone they hate. Mine is to be efficient with my time. The less I spend on unimportant and useless people, the more I have for the important ones.

Unlike people who have done nothing but kindness keep getting pushed around by circumstances and maltreatment and now carry a deep shame they can't shake away.

I constantly made fun of my sister for being peer pressured, my dad for weird politics, my grandpa for his poems, and screamed at an old lady about what she gave me as “naked candies”. So I feel like I had it coming. Therefore totally unashamed.

Hello morning!

The thing about lucid dream is it’s often an accident to a normal person. But if you are a teenager with a regular stressful schedule and an overly imaginative mind, you can train yourself to have it in a consistent timeframe everyday. More importantly, you can choose what you dream about. It’s not like the real thing, but it’s the closest you can get realistically.