Speaking sloppily but confidently during a YouTube interview early Thursday, entrepreneur Charlie Ward declared the highly-anticipated Quantum Financial System is “going great so far.”
“Went off without a hitch! Can't you feel it?” said Ward to the interviewers after taking a healthy lungful of a cigarette with unknown contents. “The Quantum Financial waves are flowing all around us. It's bloody beautiful, man!”
Charlie Ward informing YouTubers that the Quantum Financial System is working well and is indeed using banana-backed-xrp-backed-gold-backed XRP that is “flying through us as we speak.”
The well-connected businessman concluded the 30-minute interview after he informed the hosts that he needed to get more layers of tinfoil for his protective hat.
“If you don't protect yourself,” said Ward, “all this quantum XRP flying around gives you a right-strong headache...”
*Coil subscribers can see a special message from the writer of this article, Herb Gimbels, below**...*
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Allowing the YouTube star to sit in on the important event via Zoom Wednesday, unicorn investing startup Linqto had their quarterly board meeting destroyed when The Digital Asset Investor's (DAI) children began fighting in the next room.
”...and the additional partnerships we've... um... been able to secure will... um...,” said Linqto's Greg Kidd during the meeting as he tried to ignore screaming that got ever louder in his microphone. “I'm sorry, I've... I've lost my train of thought...”
“Sorry... sorry that's my bad,” said DAI. “KIDS! QUIET DOWN IN THERE! DO YOU WANNA BE PICKING UP PINE CONES THE REST OF THE DAY??? Sorry, Greg. Lemme tell you, I've gotta deal with this stuff every day...”
The Digital Asset Investor going on a 10-minute rant about how his kids don't listen in the middle of Linqto's quarterly meeting Wednesday.
Eventually Kidd gathered his thoughts and carried on with the meeting when a sharp noise from a lawnmower outside DAI's home broke his concentration again.
“Uhh... you know what?” said Kidd. “Let's just reschedule this meeting...”
Coil subscribers can see DAI's reaction when he realized he had destroyed the Linqto quarterly meeting below
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Making the latest in a series of bold moves to advance their primary objectives, blockchain payments company Ripple hired influential super-villain Skeletor Monday to “aggressively pursue ramping up XRP On-Demand Liquidity” (ODL).
“At the moment, the customer demand for ODL is actually too high to accommodate,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters about the product which allows global money senders to access instant settlement through the digital asset XRP, bypassing costly and slow Nostro/Vostro fiat settlement. “The next step is to increase liquidity and influence regulators across the globe. In our opinion, that's where Skeletor can really help.”
New Ripple-hire Skeletor teaching Ben Lawsky “effective villainous poses” as part of his training program at the Silicon Valley company to expand XRP-centered 'On-Demand Liquidity' through robust intimidation.
Despite scores of online critics immediately claiming that his acquisition proves Ripple is a nefarious company, Skeletor has remained focused on his task at hand.
“With my powers, On-Demand Liquidity will grab the world by the throat,” said Skeletor. “Then Castle Grayskull will finally be mine! Muahahahahaaaaaaa!!”
*Coil subscribers can see the impressive resume of Skeletor below**...*
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Informing XRP_Productions reporters that he'd had an unexpected but powerful personal revelation, formerly staunch libertarian and capitalist Michael Arrington became a far-left socialist Monday.
“I dunno, maybe it was something about Labor Day,” said Arrington, the wealthy former founder of TechCrunch and current CEO of Arrington XRP Capital. “Or maybe I'm just getting older and wiser... but this socialism thing is starting to make sense. I mean, there's, like, so much pie in the world, ya know? Don't you think everyone should get a slice?”
Former capitalist entrepreneur Michael Arrington attending a rally Monday after proclaiming his newfound passion for socialism.
The announcement soon sparked stern criticism online, particularly from those who heard Arrington was not willing to spread the wealth concerning his own personal XRP holdings.
“Excuse me? My XRP? Oh, f*ck no,” said Arrington. “I worked hard for that XRP... why should some idealistic, lazy wiener in skinny jeans get any of my XRP?”
*Coil subscribers can see Bernie Sanders' opinions about XRP distribution below**...*
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Issuing a solid black eye to the blockchain payments company, Ripple's Chief Technology Officer David Schwartz was caught on hidden cameras attending his favorite hair salon Sunday without his COVID mask.
“I'm sorry,” said Schwartz solemnly to XRP_Productions reporters. “Sorry for being SET UP! Those bastards told me they were allowing one person at a time without masks. I trusted them and all of a sudden I'm all over Fox News!!”
Erica Kious, owner of eSalon, crying during an emotional interview with Fox News' Tucker Carlson about the David Schwartz mask incident. “He and his company applauded COVID mitigation policies that kept my salon closed for months,” said Kious. “Now look at him, prancing around...”
The co-creator of the XRP ledger never fully apologized for the act, only stating that he will “definitely not make that mistake again.”
“From now on,” said Schwartz, “My cuts, colors and perms will be at home, thank you very much.”
*Coil subscribers can see savage online comments about Schwartz's salon scandal below**...*
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Pondering whether or not they should return to their previous role of the most hated exchange by global holders of the digital asset, Coinbase announced Saturday that they are “seriously considering royally pissing off XRP holders by not offering Spark tokens.”
“We worked very hard to become the most reviled exchange in the XRP community,” said Coinbase's COO Emilie Choi, referring to the years in which they refused to even sell the cryptocurrency. “And we know the quickest way to regain that status will be to not let our XRP-holding customers gain access to any free tokens that are rightfully theirs.”
Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong expressing his strong temptation to piss off XRP holders and not offer them access to their upcoming Spark token drop.
The Spark tokens, to be offered by Flare Networks, will be distributed at least 1:1 for all XRP-holding individuals after a December 12th 'snapshot' of the ledger, as long as their exchange agrees to comply. Several exchanges, including Bitrue and Uphold, have already agreed to offer their customers access to Spark.
“We're happy to take Coinbase's business,” said Uphold CEO JP Thieriot. “If they really want to stick it up the wazoo of XRP holders... we support their decision!”
*Coil subscribers can see further proof that Coinbase LOVES pissing off XRP holders below**...*
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Utilizing their superior technology to usurp control of a potentially universe-changing digital currency, a fleet of space aliens stole 50 billion XRP from Starlink satellites Friday.
“We were just cruisin' by Earth to see what was up... no big deal, y'know?” said alien commander Snodleb Greeflak to XRP_Productions reporters. “And all of a sudden our comms guy says, 'Whoa, check out this transmission I just intercepted! This shit is off the hook!'”
Space alien Snodleb Greeflak showingXRP_Productionsreporters the video transmission they encountered to learn of the “valuable future galactic currency XRP” which inspired them to steal billions from Starlink satellites Friday.
The aliens reportedly found out of the usage of Starlink satellites to store and send XRP from a 'Digital Asset Investor' video and said, “From there it was like taking Xenplatt candy from a baby Zanthavakian.”
“Pretty simple shit for us to get our hands on it, really,” said Greeflak. “Now we just gotta wait for it to 'moon.' No pun intended, lol.”
*Coil subscribers can see who REALLY tipped off the space aliens about XRP below**...*
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Carefully following the game plan that took Amazon from modest bookseller to world mega-power, San Francisco-based blockchain payments company Ripple decided to begin their next business-vertical Thursday: Selling DVDs.
“We'd be foolish not to learn from the genius that is Jeff Bezos,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “Our path forward is clear: Yesterday cross-border payments, today DVDs, tomorrow the world!”
Ripple's Dan Boneh and David Schwartz promoting a stack of 'David's Picks', part of the new DVD-sale business vertical as the company attempts to duplicate the success of Amazon.
Despite the good intentions, the Silicon Valley company was met with immediate derision from all stakeholders, the online community of XRP investors being the most vocal critics.
“ODL needs to ramp up and they're selling DVDs?!” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus. “Up yours, Ripple!!”
*Coil subscribers can see Ripple's Marcus Treacher promoting his DVD selection below**...*
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Taking full advantage of the popular marketing opportunities of the upcoming holiday, cryptocurrency Ethereum Classic (ETC) has announced a “Half-Off Sale” for a 51% attack during Labor Day this September 7th.
“Last week's 51% attack cost about $180,000 to create a double-spend,” said an Ethereum Classic spokesperson, “but this Labor Day only, you can get your attack for less than $90K! With deals like this, we must be crrrraaaaaazzzzyyyyy!”
Barry Silbert, Ethereum Classic supporter and CEO of Digital Currency Group, adding to the bargain and throwing in a free ShamWow with every 51% attack on ETC on Labor Day.
Despite several double-spend attacks hitting its network in the past month alone and an impressive $15 million worth of stolen funds, ETC feels it can do even better in ramping up future attacks.
“Before the inevitable double-spend on the Bitcoin network,” said the spokesperson, “we want to establish ourselves as the PREEMINENT double-spend cryptocurrency. With or without the sweet holiday deals, we think we can do it!!”
*Coil subscribers can see Ethereum Classic advertising ANOTHER 51% attack special below**...*
Taking advantage of the hype surrounding the hot rumors that a revolutionary new system will soon be taking over global money transfer, banking consortium SWIFT re-branded themselves as “Quantum Financial SWIFT” Tuesday.
“We are become one with quantum technology,” said SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso to XRP_Productions reporters as techno-new age music played from a tape deck across the room. “We have reached financial singularity! Behold the wonder of three-day settlement!”
SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso speaking toXRP_Productionsreporters about the consortium's new “Quantum Financial SWIFT” re-branding while wearing some sort of high-tech visor.
Despite the significant fanfare, the change of name failed to impress some people in the world of global financial transfer, blockchain payments company Ripple being the most vocal critic.
“Let me put it this way: I could shit in a box and call it a quantum computer,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, “but it doesn't mean it's true...”
Coil subscribers can see the REAL TECHNOLOGICAL GENIUSES in global payments below
Charlie Ward Confirms Quantum Financial System “Going Great So Far”
