Inserting thousands of datasets from metrics that span the full spectrum of global finance and industry, the Summit supercomputer in Oak Ridge, Tennessee finished the most complete assessment to date of the actual value of the digital asset XRP Saturday.
“We're quite confident in the results,” said Dr. Leonard Mingus, Chief Data Processor of Obscure Asset Valuations at IBM. “And we think holders of this asset are going to be very pleased. Very pleased, indeed.”
Dr. Leonard Mingus, lead computer scientist behind Saturday's massive project crunching the data required to achieve the world's most-accurate XRP price valuation ever seen.
The project, funded in part by blockchain payments company Ripple, hoped to prove once and for all that the highly-criticized digital asset was indeed being affected heavily by market manipulation.
“I double-checked their results with my own supercomputer,” said Ripple CTO and co-creator of the XRP Ledger. “I call it the 'David Schwartz's Brain' supercomputer. And I more or less concur with their valuation...”
Coil subscribers can see what the Summit Supercomputer determined was the REAL VALUE OF XRP below
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Granting XRP the Standard Productions an exclusive interview Friday, Brad Garlinghouse opened up about his “slacker, no-direction past” before becoming CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple.
“It started in high school in Ridgemont, Kansas,” said Garlinghouse. “I wasn't really interested in school... cared more about partying with friends, driving cars, surfing, you know. Those were some fast times, though I can't say I'm proud of myself...”
Photo from the 1989 Ridgemont High yearbook displaying the young slacker Brad Garlinghouse ordering a pizza during history class.
The Silicon Valley executive explained that despite his brief stint in a disciplined dojo, his “maturity level didn't really hit 'adult' until I was hired by Ripple.”
“I was tooling around at Yahoo then Uber, not giving much of a shit, you know,” said Garlinghouse, “When an old buddy that I used to party with, Chris, said, 'you wanna try out this CEO stuff?' I'm like, 'Righteous! Sign me up, brah...'”
*Coil subscribers can see what a close family member has said about Brad Garlinghouse's past below**...*
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Shocking the world with her evidence and hard-hitting accusations about the original cryptocurrency Thursday, Chinese scientist Dr. Li-Meng Yan asserted on Fox News' Tucker Carlson Tonight that Bitcoin was indeed created in a lab in Wuhan, China.
“I have evidence to show why they do it, what they have done, how [they did it],” said Yan, whose Twitter account was immediately banned thereafter. “Bitcoin is born in China... and Chinese Communist Party don't want people to know his truth...”
One of many leaked images of the Wuhan lab where Dr. Li-Meng Yan claims Bitcoin was birthed. The Chinese scientist claims other strains such as Bitcoin Cash and Bitcoin Gold were similarly created at the facility.
The news spread like wildfire in the online cryptocurrency community, some stunned by the assertion and others less surprised.
“Bitcoin was created in China?” said Leonard Mingus, a holder of the 3rd-ranked digital asset XRP. “That's about the least surprising news I've heard all year...”
*Coil subscribers can see a conflicting story that claims Bitcoin is actually naturally-occurring below**...*
Perfectly exemplifying the phrase 'When in Rome' shortly after becoming the first cryptocurrency exchange to get a U.S. banking license, Kraken announced Thursday they will be using the Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication (SWIFT) for all of their cross-border payments.
“We felt lucky to get our banking license, to be honest, and we don't want to rock the boat too much at first,” said Kraken CEO Jesse Powell. “Our fellow bankers tell us they mostly use these SWIFT guys, so we're gonna heed their advice and use them too...”
Kraken's Jesse Powell before (above) and after (below) the cryptocurrency exchange achieved their U.S. banking license. The formerly 'hip' CEO immediately began conforming to his new banker role as shown by his suit and tie and his decision to use SWIFT for cross-border payments.
The new bank faced immediate online criticism, with most individuals questioning why they wouldn't use Ripplenet, whose revolutionary infrastructure allows safe, cheap and instant global payments with the option to access on-demand liquidity through the digital asset XRP.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Powell. “The old Jesse might have gone for something innovative like that. But 'Banker Jesse'? 'Banker Jesse' is of the opinion that customers love SWIFT. Besides... isn't this crypto stuff just for drugs and illegal activity??”
*Coil subscribers can see who agrees with Jesse about what bank customers prefer below**...*
Excited to join in the digital currency revolution but slightly confused about how it works, CNBC financial pundit Jim Cramer yelled at his computer for two hours Tuesday, demanding it sell him some Bitcoins.
“I have the cash right here, see?!” said Cramer to the computer, raising his voice more and more as it refused to comply. “Now gimme those goddamn Bitcoins!”
Google search performed by a frustrated Jim Cramer after his computer would not listen to his demands to sell him Bitcoins.
Despite the initial defeat, the Mad Money host did not give up his pursuit, deciding to use whatever resources he could to obtain the elusive cryptocurrency.
“I think I'm gonna re-watch the Matrix trilogy,” said Cramer to XRP_Productions reporters. “There's gotta be something in there about how to buy these computer coins...”
*Coil subscribers can see Cramer's efforts to crack the Bitcoin buying code below**...*
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Catering mostly to fellow digital asset investors from around the globe, prominent XRP community members Brad Kimes and Mr. B opened the doors to their new bed and breakfast in Liechtenstein Tuesday, the 'Come On Inn.'
“People are asking us: Why Liechtenstein?” said Kimes to XRP_Productions reporters. “Well, we all know this is where we're gonna end up, am I right? We figured we might as well stake a claim here ASAP.”
“This is gonna be a Mecca for the XRP community,” added Mr. B. “And while it's true that right now we only offer booze for XRP holders to drown their sorrows concerning their lackluster investment, pretty soon we'll have food, music, lodging... the works!”
'The 589 Club,' an elaborate bar within Mr. B and Brad Kimes' new “Come On Inn” in Liechtenstein. At present, the pain-easing liquor is the only offering at the XRP-inspired bed and breakfast.
According to the duo, the pièce de résistance of the inn will be the Ripple-inspired theme rooms, the Brad Garlinghouse room and David Schwartz room being the two most exclusive.
“Imagine showing your wife a huge David Schwartz mural on the ceiling above the bed,” said Kimes. “What could be more romantic? Come on in!”
Piquing the interest of XRP community members around the world Sunday, cryptocurrency exchange Uphold and Ripple CTO David Schwartz both posted mysterious tweets which perhaps seemed to imply an imminent price-rise of the digital asset in the near future.
“On the one hand, I'm thinking they could be saying XRP is going to $1,000,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Topeka, Kansas. “But on the other hand maybe it was just an accidental picture taken by David and a typo-tweet by Uphold... damn these infernal riddles!”
David Schwartz responding to comments from the XRP community concerning his titillating tweet Sunday.
While the meaning of the tweets remained a mystery, many holders of the digital asset were quite confident they were nothing more than meaningless drivel.
“People think these tweets might mean XRP is going to $1,000?” said Chip Munson, a retired teacher who bought XRP at it's all-time high in 2018. “Kiss my ass.”
*Coil subscribers can see the inspiration behind this satire below**...*
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Granting exclusive rights to XRP the Standard Productions to cover the ground-shaking story, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse announced his engagement Sunday to Daenerys Targaryen, daughter of King Aerys II Targaryen and Queen Rhaella Targaryen.
“We couldn't be happier,” said Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporter Herb Gimbels. “And the unity of House Garlinghouse with House Targaryen... well, let's just say we feel we're gonna be ready to take on the world!”
Brad Garlinghouse fiancee Daenerys Targaryen captured with advisor Tyrion Lannischwartz in a 2019 file photo from XRP_Productions.
The young couple have revealed a February 14th, 2021 wedding date to be held at the grand courtyard of Ripple's recently-constructed mountaintop headquarters.
Online rumors that Daenerys Targaryen is actually Brad Garlinghouse's aunt have been unconfirmed by XRP the Standard Productions.
*Coil subscribers can see proof that Brad Garlinghouse has taken well to his fiancee's pets below**...*
Taking a brave step in the arduous but worthwhile journey toward equality Friday, blockchain payments company Ripple pledged to hire more Bitcoin maximalist employees within the next 12 months.
“We've all seen the stats—companies with diverse members are stronger, more strategic and equitable,” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse, “And Ripple admits we've fallen short. We admit that we have no Bitcoin maximalists in our company. Damnit, that changes TODAY!”
Two Bitcoin maximalists among dozens putting in resumes at Ripple after the Silicon Valley company pledged to hire more people of their kind in the fight for equality Friday.
The announcement was met with both praise and condemnation from the online XRP community, with many expressing dismay that the company would focus on demographics rather than simply assessing what individuals would be best for open positions.
“Um... equality is great,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus, “but, can I be honest? I just want them to hire the people who are gonna help moon this sh*t...”
*Coil subscribers can see a special message from this article's author, Herb Gimbels, below**...*
Angering and confusing millions of cryptocurrency holders around the globe, the San Francisco-based startup PolySign opened for business Friday to “finally provide the country with an unparalleled selection of durable road signs.”
Founded by Arthur Britto and David Schwartz, who were both also founders of the XRP Ledger, PolySign was eagerly awaited by many in the cryptocurrency world and was speculated to be a revolutionary service that solved the problems of digital asset custody for institutions and large investors, thus making it easier for potential tidal waves of money to safely enter the crypto space.
“I'm not sure where that rumor came from,” said Schwartz, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters from the company's manufacturing warehouse full of multi-colored and shaped aluminum signs. “PolySign has been and always will be about road signs. The best damn road signs an American driver could ask for, thank you very much.”
David Schwartz during a 2019 interview in which he expressed regret that he couldn't discuss details about PolySign, but teased that the company's business plan would “YIELD great results! WINK, WINK!”
Rather than be supportive of the fledgling company's efforts to market their metal signs, global XRP holders are instead expressing extreme dismay.
“Here I am, on pins and needles for years, waiting for something that will help to bring in the BILLIONS OF DOLLARS of institutional money into crypto,” said long-time XRP holder Mr. B, “and it turns out they're gonna be making ROAD SIGNS?!? F**k you, PolySign!”
*Coil subscribers can see a Polysign promotional picture with David Schwartz below**...*
Summit Supercomputer Calculates True Value of XRP
