Speaking to Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse during the online Crypto Town Hall Thursday, Congressman Tom Emmer (R-Minn) shocked millions of worldwide holders of the digital asset after blurting out the statement, “My position's clear: XRP should be $10,000.”
“Bitcoin and Ethereum are Chinese-controlled pieces of shit, yet they've had regulatory clarity for years,” said Emmer, referring to the SEC statement from two years ago that the top two digital currencies are not considered securities. “And they don't say jack about XRP. I mean, what the actual f*ck?! Lemme tell you, once they get off their asses and give it clarity, XRP should be $10K at least.”
Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse biting his lower lip to hold in his excitement as Congressman Tom Emmer ranted about the fact that XRP should be $10,000 once it gets regulatory clarity during Thursday's 'Crypto Town Hall.'
The over five minute rant garnered the Congressman scores of new supporters from across the political spectrum, some who were pleased with the refreshing straight-talk and some who were simply holders of XRP.
“I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat and I've never voted Republican,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus, a constituent of Emmer's Minnesota congressional district. “But I'm sure as hell gonna vote for Emmer!”
*Coil subscribers can see some bold Brad Garlinghouse Q&A answers after being inspired by Tom Emmer's straight talk below**...*
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Speaking remorsefully to XRP_Productions reporters Thursday, Kevin Niedermann, better known as popular YouTube personality 'Kevin Cage', admitted to stealing his pseudonym from the video game Mortal Kombat.
“I'm so sorry, but I realized very early on that no one would listen to Kevin Niedermann about XRP,” said Niedermann, explaining that he settled on his stage name after playing a few rounds of the gruesome fighting game in 2018. “But 'Kevin Cage'? People will damn sure listen to 'Kevin Cage'!
Initial XRP YouTube channel by online personality Kevin Niedermann. It's dramatic lack of success led the digital asset analyst to create the pseudonym 'Kevin Cage,' inspired by the Mortal Kombat video game series.
The online content creator has informed XRP_Productions that he is “quite relieved” to finally come out of the closet concerning his real name and has boldly released his first new video after switching his surname back to Niedermann.
“It's still me, guys,” said Niedermann. “Whether Cage or Niedermann... it's still me.”
Editor's update: Niedermann has lost 37,512 YouTube subscribers since the publishing of this article.
*Coil subscribers can see the other name Kevin Niedermann briefly tried before selecting his stage name below**...*
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Speaking to two unknown but possibly well-connected and successful men in a YouTube video of mysterious origins Wednesday, billionaire oil tycoon Charlie Ward confirmed that the digital asset XRP will indeed “be backed by gold... which itself will be backed by XRP.”
“They've done very well to keep this under wraps,” said Ward in the video. “And this will be part of the quantum financial system that just finished testing. I can't tell you everything, but I can tell you this: All the XRP will definitely be backed 1-to-1 with gold... and each ounce of gold will be backed 2-to-1 with XRP.”
Billionaire oil tycoon Charlie Ward in a mysterious YouTube video revealing his inside information that the digital asset XRP will be backed by gold which will in turn be backed by XRP which “may also be backed by banana futures, but the world powers are still debating that one...”
The online cryptocurrency world has exploded with equal fervor and skepticism at the video, some thinking the news could send the price of XRP skyrocketing and others thinking it will only harm the digital asset.
“This is probably just a load of bullshit,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus. “But just in case, I've added another bag of XRP and another bag of bananas.”
*Coil subscribers can see what other asset has been thrown into the mix by the world powers below**...*
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Rumbling daily and accumulating significant pressure for nearly three years, dormant volcano 'Mount XRP' has been declared by scientists to be “extremely close to an imminent eruption” Tuesday.
“It's gonna be soon and it's gonna be huge,” said volcanologist Leonard Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters. “There was a bit of a pop-off in December of 2017, but this upcoming blast is probably going to the stratosphere.”
Volcanic activity readings taken over the last three years by vulcanologists at Mt. XRP. The scientists say the pressure accumulating will cause a blast so violent that it will make 2017's eruption look “like a frog fart.”
Residents of Rippleton, the nearby town that owns about 60% of Mt. XRP and makes money off the sale of it's geothermal energy, has wanted the eruption for years but has of course been unable to dictate if and when it happens.
“We utilize Mt. XRP and its amazing resources,” said Rippleton mayor Brad Garlinghouse, “just as many other people, towns, and companies do. But we don't own the whole mountain nor do we control it in the least. Rippleton could vanish tomorrow and Mt. XRP would still be churning away...”
Coil subscribers can see a glimpse of the future eruption of Mount XRP below
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Bagging a “personal best” of five of the critters in one afternoon, Ripple CTO David Schwartz enjoyed a successful squirrel hunt Sunday during his vacation to Hampshire County, West Virginia's 2020 “Squirrel Fest.”
“This is my fourth year coming to 'Squirrel Fest',” said Schwartz to XRP_Productions reporters. “Squirrel meat is delicious. Succulent. Definitely the most underrated of all varmint meats.”
Bobby Plunkett, long time friend of David Schwartz, helping the Ripple CTO prepare his bounty of squirrels for entry in the 2020 Hampshire County “Squirrel Fest” cookoff.
The co-creator of the XRP Ledger was excited about taking home the blue ribbon for “Tastiest Squirrel” after having come in second place in the last three years.
“Lettie Jefferson always seems to push me out of first place,” said Schwartz, honey-glazing his last batch of squirrel. “That old bag better not even think about it this year...”
Not ayet? WHAT?! Help support the XRP ecosystem, you ninny! And be sure to follow us... we're trying to put our journalists through college
Clenching her jaw in the best fake smile she could muster, 3-year XRP holder Loretta Mingus of Grand Junction, Colorado pretended to be overjoyed for her friend Bob who has seen 1,900% gains since purchasing LINK in January for a dollar.
“Wooohooo! Up 20% AGAIN today!” said Bob as Loretta silently formed a fist, digging her fingernails into her palm until she slightly bled. “This crypto stuff is sooooo easy! I don't know why you've been studying that Ripplecoin stuff for years... I only watched one video about LINK and I'm already RICH!! Woooohoooo!!”
The single video that XRP holder Loretta Mingus's friend Bob watched before investing in LINK in January. Mingus says pretending to be happy about his 1,900% gains is “the hardest f**king thing I've ever had to do.”
The frustrated Mingus, who had spent nearly three full years diligently learning everything about why XRP is undoubtedly the champion of future digital asset utility, struggled to overcome the urge to scream in rage as Bob continued celebrating.
“Woohoo! Like candy from a baby!” said Bob as Loretta broke a glass in her bare hand. “But I always was good at spotting winners... Hey Loretta, you should ditch that Ripplecoin and get some of this LINK stuff before you miss the boat...”
Not ayet? WHAT?! Help support the XRP ecosystem, you ninny! And be sure to follow us... we're trying to put our journalists through college
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Speaking openly to XRP_Productions reporters from his modest Haitian abode Saturday, Max Beauvoir, supreme leader of the 6,000 voodoo priests known as the “Houngans,” admitted to putting a powerful curse on the XRP bull run live streams by popular YouTuber Alex Cobb.
“I'd like to say there was some deep meaning behind this,” said Beauvoir of the curse that he initiated in 2018 which immediately plummets the price of XRP when Cobb begins to live stream during healthy price action of the digital asset. “But to be honest... I just did it because it makes me laugh.”
Popular YouTuber Alex Cobb belting a slew of expletives after the XRP price fell off a cliff during one of his recent cursed price action live streams.
The priest said he would eventually lift the curse, though was unclear concerning the time frame.
“Yes, yes, I'll take it off soon enough,” said Beauvoir. “But... BWAHAHAHAAAA! Not quite yet, okay? Let this old priest have his fun a while longer...”
*Coil subscribers can see what Cobb has done since finding out about the curse below**...*
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Proving that the right message at the right time can profoundly impact the success of a company, the valuation of blockchain payments company Ripple was massively increased Thursday to $150 billion after a flurry of super-badass tweets from CEO Brad Garlinghouse.
“They started the day with a $10 billion company valuation,” said Thurston Howell, President of institutional ratings firm Standard & Poor's. “But after I saw those bitchin', badass tweets from Garlinghouse, I said, 'We gotta bump those dudes up. Waaaayyyyy up!”
The tweets, published in the late afternoon, were a rebuttal to a FUD-riddled article about Ripple and the digital asset XRP by Financial Times (FT).
Last three of the flurry of ultra-badass tweets by Brad Garlinghouse in response to a false article by FT. The bitchin' tweets earned Ripple a new company valuation of $150 billion.
“I'm pleased by the new valuation, of course,” said Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “But to be honest, whether we're valued at $150 billion or at 1 dollar, we're just going to remain laser-focused on revolutionizing the global payments industry.”
“He said WHAT?!” responded Howell after hearing Garlinghouse's comments. “WOW! That was such a BADASS thing to say! Okay, that settles it... We're giving them a $200 BILLION VALUATION!!”
Coil subscribers can see more classic Garlinghouse BADASS moments below
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Becoming the latest 'Unicorn' to be added to the exciting new investment platform, crypto-news company XRP the Standard Productions was added to Linqto Thursday to allow accredited investors the unique ability to purchase digital, pre-IPO stocks.
“We finally got 'em!” said Linqto CEO and co-founder Bill Sarris of the private news outlet who most recently reported a market valuation of $2.3 billion. “This is a game changer! We've been trying to work out a deal with those geniuses for months. We wanted to get them on Linqto before their inevitable IPO, which of course could happen any time, you know?”
Linqto Strategic Advisor Greg Kidd discussing the exciting new addition of XRP the Standard Productions stock to the platform Thursday with YouTuberJerry Hall.
The platform, which also offers investors the ability to purchase shares of crypto exchange Coinbase and blockchain payments company Ripple, reportedly sold out of the XRP the Standard Productions shares within the first fifteen minutes of the first offering.
“Woweeee!” said XRP_Productions' Editor-in-Chief Clay Finkelstein. “Sold out in fifteen minutes? I can't wait to see my share of the profits!”
*Coil subscribers can see what the XRP the Standard Productions shares sold for on Linqto below...*
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Results are in for an XRP the Standard Productions poll of 10,000 random XRP holders Tuesday: 99% of the community are “totally confused” about the recent announcements from Flare Networks, but 100% of the community hopes it “ends up making them rich somehow.”
“What is it? Well... I'm not really sure,” commented 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus. “It's some kind of thing that gives us free 'Spark' coins, right? We get one coin for every one XRP we have? I have no freakin' clue. But I'll tell you this—I hope it makes me rich! CHA-CHING!”
Screenshot from Flare's home page that has confused 99% of XRP holders, though every last one of them hopes to become filthy rich from it.
Research by XRP_Productions investigative reporters appears to show that the Flare will use XRP to access the “75% of the value of blockchain tokens currently inaccessible to decentralized applications” and will be “the world's first Turing complete FBA network.”
“Oh, great...” said Mingus. “So what the f*ck does that mean?? Damnit, just tell me if it's gonna make me rich or not!”
Coil subscribers can see a very simple explanation for what Flare is doing below
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“My Position's Clear: XRP Should Be $10,000” Says Congressman Emmer
