Fulfilling a lifelong dream for the commodities industry veteran and XRP holder, Miguel Vias, former Head of XRP Markets at Ripple, was finally able to interview celebrity online personality Brad 'BakkupBradley' Kimes Monday.
“It's a real honor, Mr. Bradley,” said a visibly nervous Vias as he dabbed beads of sweat from his forehead. “I never miss a show—I'm just such a huge fan... sorry, one second, I need a drink of water...”
Tweet from fellow YouTube personality “Digital Asset Investor” congratulating Miguel Vias for being recognized by Yahoo Finance after he was able to interview superstar Brad Kimes.
Vias concluded the 45-minute interview by querying Kimes for any personal advice he was willing to impart.
“Sure, kid, sure,” said Kimes to a wide-eyed and attentive Vias. “In my opinion, you'd be a good fit at Linqto. Go talk to my buddy Greg Kidd... he might have a spot for you there...”
Coil subscribers can see the inspiration behind this satire below
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Appearing first on CNBC and rolling out to dozens of nationally broadcast stations Monday, Grayscale released their hilarious and innovative new ad campaign touting the benefits of cryptocurrency investing over the traditional stock market.
“It's time we give a clear message to the millions of average people who are confused or nervous about crypto,” said Barry Silbert, founder of the digital currency investing firm. “The stock market is for constipated stuffed suits who are happy with a few percent return. In the world of crypto, we won't even wake up for less than 80% return in 24-hours.”
Scene from the new “Stocks vs. Crypto” ad campaign which saw a national release Monday.
The ad campaign hopes to spur on what many economists say will be a significant influx of capital into the cryptocurrency space, some saying that 2020 will be remembered as “the year of digital assets.”
“Oh, for sure,” agreed Silbert. “Dollars being printed up the wazoo, economies shutting down, housing markets crumbling. This commercial will definitely help wake people the f*ck up! Stocks are a sinking ship... come on in to crypto!”
*Coil subscribers can see the inspiration behind this satire below**...*
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In a frantic rush to not miss out on the explosive profits Saturday, cryptocurrency investor Leonard Mingus of Tulsa, Oklahoma sunk his life savings into the digital token FAP instead of the recommended token ZAP, subsequently losing every penny of his investment by the end of the day.
“It was an honest mistake,” said Mingus, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters as he turned on the gas to his open oven. “I mean, 'FAP'... 'ZAP'... all these crypto names are weird bullshit, right? Guess I shouldn't have FOMO'd so hard...”
Market data for FAP, the cryptocurrency that Leonard Mingus accidentally invested in instead of ZAP. By the end of the trading day the coin crashed and all records were wiped clean, taking Mingus' life savings with it.
The disappointed investor lamented his errant purchase but ultimately found a silver lining in the mistake.
“Sure, I lost everything and my life is ruined,” said Mingus, his voice becoming muffled as his head entered the oven. “But on the bright side, I'll never do that again...”
Editor's Note:Our reporters were able to successfully talk Mr. Mingus out of the oven. He is now a financial advisor with XRP the Standard Productions.
*Coil subscribers can see what hot tip Mingus is now giving his clients below**...*
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The growl of heavy equipment in the distance and the unmistakable smell of liberty in the air, blockchain payments company Ripple revealed the recent ground-breaking of their planned “XRP Community” Saturday in a rural, high-desert location 70 miles outside of Reno, Nevada.
“It's a proud day,” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse who was joined by fellow executives Eric Van Miltenburg and David Schwartz at the event. “Behold the beginnings of a future Utopia!”
The new city, which has been secretly planned for over five years, is designed to be a safe haven for holders and supporters of the digital asset XRP, giving them a much-needed sanctuary, free from the regular persecution they experience from other cryptocurrency communities.
Artist's rendition of the completed 'XRP Community' which has just broken ground in the Nevada desert.
The community will reportedly feature state of the art residences fully sustained by renewable energy, a community college whose classes center only around building on the XRP Ledger, and a 'Garlinghouse Events Center' complete with a 25' tall statue of the popular figure.
“Bring us your tired,” said Garlinghouse, “your weak, your huddled masses of persecuted XRP holders. Together, we will make the XRP Community a shining blockchain city on a hill...”
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Goldman Sachs made what many are seeing as a bold and significant movement into Wall Street's digital future Friday, naming investment banking veteran Matthew McDermott its new “Global Head of the Upcoming Crypto Gravy Train.”
“With this appointment and others that we are implementing soon,” said Goldman Sachs' CEO David Solomon, “we hope to suck powerfully and heartily at the teet of the inevitable worldwide crypto explosion.”
Beth M. Hammack, former Goldman Sachs Global Treasurer, who was recently appointed as the firm's “Chief Officer of Gathering Fees from Future Crypto-Obsessed Masses” by the investment banking institution.
Solomon informed XRP_Productions reporters of at least a dozen more crypto-related spots they were creating, including “Senior Vice President of Shitcoin Promotions” and “Executive in Charge of Advertising Crypto to Newbie Morons Who Will Be Coughing Up Massive Amounts of Bread During Crypto Purchasing and Trading.”
“The future is here,” said Solomon of the foray into the world of digital assets. “We're not here to fight it. We're here to collect the chedda-chedda-chedda-cheeeeeeese!”
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Slightly hyperventilating seconds after seeing the news on his big-screen, David Schwartz, CTO of blockchain payments company Ripple announced a temporary retirement from the Silicon Valley firm Wednesday to “mentally prepare himself” for the upcoming reboot of the classic cartoon series Ren and Stimpy.
“Okay... okay... okay... okay,” said Schwartz to XRP_Productions reporters as he tried desperately to calm himself down and gather his thoughts. “Okay... so... definitely gotta clear the slate... can't work for a while... oh my God... oh my God...”
Rare photograph of a young David Schwartz in his college dorm room, the mural on his wall displaying his fanaticism for the cartoon Ren and Stimpy.
The co-creator of the XRP ledger, whose online username of JoelKatz even has derivations from the cartoon, reported that he was beginning to feel “extreme stress and panic” that the show might not come close to living up to his memories.
“I mean, they couldn't,” said Schwartz, gulping down a glass of Alka-Seltzer, “They just COULDN'T bring it back if it wasn't gonna be good... right? RIGHT?!?”
*Coil subscribers can see what happened after David Schwartz sped to the store to buy snacks for his future viewing experience below**...*
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Speaking in a video interview with cryptocurrency news outlet Coindesk Tuesday, Brian Brooks, the United States' Acting Comptroller of the Currency, stated his opinion that the digital asset XRP was indeed “not a security” but rather a “super-magical wonder coin of the most fantabulous variety.”
“How on earth could anyone justify saying it's a security?” said Brooks of the digital asset that is used by several different companies and entities aside from its most well-known use case as a cross-border settlement instrument for blockchain payments company Ripple. “No, no, no. Not a security. But it is definitely a marvelously stupendous and mystical dream-token! A glorious moon-beam-and-rainbow-mist-dazzle-asset!”
A picture that the OCC's Brian Brooks showed Coindesk in an interview Tuesday to show how he sees the digital asset XRP, definitively stating that it is in no way a security.
The Comptroller went on for nearly thirty minutes using a stunning variety of adjectives to describe the asset, each sentence dealing a firm blow to those who have expressed their opinions that XRP is a security in the past.
“Whew... well suffice it to say, I think it's really great,” said Brooks at the end of the interview. “But a security it is not.”
Coil subscribers can see what other HIGH-LEVEL OFFICIAL agrees with Brian Brooks about XRP below
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Boldly flying in the face of critics and naysayers, blockchain payments company Ripple released their Q2 XRP markets report Monday, dropping a bombshell announcement that they will be making a concerted, worldwide effort to “snatch up every single unit of XRP that we can possibly get our hands on.”
“You heard us,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to dubious XRP_Productions reporters. “Losers who keep crying about us dumping XRP on the markets can suck it. Truth is, we know how valuable this stuff is going to be. And those wieners don't deserve it any more. We want it all.”
Brazen tweet from Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse after the XRP markets report outlined their new strategy of buying all XRP in existence.
The Silicon Valley company said they don't know what the strategy will do to the immediate price of the digital asset, but that they have “every confidence” in its future success.
“True hodlers will keep hodling,” said Garlinghouse. “But mark my words: We'll get every last XRP from the weak-sauce little trolls. Then, sooner or later... it's moon time.”
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Proving to millions in the crypto world that it is not the shitcoin that it was just a week ago, the digital asset XRP became magically worth buying now that the price has dramatically increased within the past few days.
“Last week it was obviously a big hunk of garbage,” said 2-year crypto investor Leonard Mingus. “Horrible fundamentals. Nothing going for it at 20 cents, really. But now that it's over 30 cents—wowweeee! What a great token! What a great buy!”
7 Day XRP price chart showing how the digital asset magically became a worthy token after the sudden price increase.
The jury is still out on whether XRP will continue to be a great digital asset and ledger, or whether it will fall back down to unworthy dog vomit status.
“I'm so happy I didn't buy any of that garbage when it was 20 cents,” said Mingus. “But I grabbed myself a ton of 30-plus-cent XRP... It's AWESOME!”
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Marking the biggest interview the underground crypto-news outlet has landed in their entire year of existence, XRP the Standard Productions sat down with Ripple's former Head of XRP Markets, Miguel Vias, asking him a bevy of burning questions Saturday.
Miguel Vias Lands Huge Brad Kimes Interview
