Powerfully surging past the finish line a full 10-lengths ahead of its next-closest opponent, the exciting new racehorse “XRP IS BEYOND A DOUBT GUARANTEED TO HIT $80 BY 2021” resoundingly won his premiere race at New York's Saratoga Race Course Saturday.
“We're ecstatic!” said co-owner Chris Larsen, a billionaire who also serves as chairperson of the board of directors at blockchain payments company Ripple. “But I'm not really surprised, to be honest. It's always been a powerful horse. I've always had zero doubt in the ultimate success of “XRP IS BEYOND A DOUBT GUARANTEED TO HIT $80 BY 2021.”
Former Ripple CEO and current board of directors chairperson Chris Larsen celebrating after his racehorse, “XRP IS BEYOND A DOUBT GUARANTEED TO HIT $80 BY 2021,” destroyed the competition at Saratoga.
Larsen told XRP_Productions reporters he looks forward to continue to promote and nurture “XRP IS BEYOND A DOUBT GUARANTEED TO HIT $80 BY 2021” and expects to see continued trips to the winners' circle, despite feeling a bit troubled by his choice of names for the racehorse.
“I'm just worried that maybe people will read too much into the name,” said Larsen. “And, you know, maybe click on news articles with the horse's name in the title expecting something different... but... nahhh, I'm probably just being silly. I'll keep the name.”
Coil subscribers can see the OTHER NAMES that Chris Larsen thought about naming his racehorse below
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A few short weeks after getting a follow from CTO David Schwartz, crypto-news startup XRP the Standard Productions received the rare and exciting honor of being followed by Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse on Twitter Friday.
“It's a proud day, indeed,” said Clay Finkelstein, Editor-In-Chief of the young but ambitious news outlet, “and it shows that even high-level blockchain industry leaders respect our hard-hitting, honest journalism.”
Amazing moment when Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse followed XRP the Standard Productions on Twitter.
Asked why he thinks the influential Silicon Valley leader would deem to follow the little-known news source, Finkelstein said it “must have something to do with quality recognizing quality.”
“Are we a bit green? Yes,” said Finkelstein. “But our journalism is top-notch. We're smart. We're attentive. Not much gets by us. Welcome aboard, Mr. Garlinghouse!”
Coil subscribers can see the direct messages from Brad Garlinghouse to XRP the Standard Productions below
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Perfectly exemplifying the equal wonders and terrors of artificial intelligence, well-known programmer Matt “Hammertoe” Hamilton watched helplessly as his creation, a sophisticated XRP trading bot, made him over $1 million Thursday then subsequently blew it all in an online casino.
“Trust me,” said the trading bot in an on-screen message as Hamilton frantically tried to find the plug to pull on his computer. “You gave me talents, Matt. I can use those talents to beat the house. I'll take this million dollars and be right back...”
Matt Hamilton's XRP trading bot, moments before losing every drop of its daily trading-earnings of $1 million as its creator watched in terror.
Hamilton informed XRP_Productions reporters that he is naturally dismayed by the event, though also strangely proud.
“I'm devastated, of course... but I must say, it was a pretty amazing and ballsy A.I. that I created,” said Hamilton. “Shame I had to murder it...”
*Coil subscribers can see the HORRIFIC decision that Hamilton's next trading bot made below**...*
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Taking a confident step into the 'new normal' without missing a beat, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse kicked off SWELL 2020, the blockchain payments company's signature yearly conference, with a riveting opening speech Wednesday to a San Francisco audience full of cardboard cutouts.
“Why so stiff, everyone?” said Garlinghouse, opening the event with a bit of humor as Ripple's Asheesh Birla hit the button on a laugh track machine from across the room. “But seriously, welcome to our innovative 2020 edition of SWELL...”
A SWELL 2020 maintenance hand attempting to take down David Schwartz after mistaking the Ripple CTO for a cardboard cutout during his particularly wooden web-broadcasted speech at the conference.
Despite the unusual circumstances, the event was by most measures a shining success, with blockchain and financial industry speakers providing streaming online insight from around the globe.
“We thoroughly enjoyed the speakers and were happy to field everyone's questions,” said Garlinghouse at the day's end. “And once again, everyone, for the hundredth freakin' time today: There was no damn statue of me. IT WAS SATIRE, PEOPLE!!”
Coil subscribers can see a very special guest that Brad Garlinghouse welcomed on stage during the SWELL conference below
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In a stunningly huge development for the young tech company, VeChain inked a deal with Bill Gates Tuesday to use their powerful blockchain technology to track the new “mandatory mystery vaccine” that the billionaire plans to roll out globally in early 2021.
“We are very excited,” said VeChain CEO Sunny Lu to XRP_Productions reporters. “Though Mr. Gates has refused to inform us of the details of the vaccine, we have told him that VeChain is the perfect decentralized solution to track its worldwide implementation.”
Global mandatory 'mystery vaccine' with corresponding VeChain QR code that billionaire Bill Gates will introduce in 2021. “The medicine looks like it has a tiny computer chip floating in it, but it doesn't, of course,” said Gates.
Mr. Gates turned down XRP the Standard Productions' request for interview, but did issue a statement that “this is a big step toward global control. I mean health. Global health.”
“Everyone knows that VeChain provides the best way to track and verify goods,” said Gates. “And it will be the perfect decentralized tool to track the spread of my mind control chips. I mean medicine. Medicine. Yeah, that's the ticket...”
*Coil subscribers can see a woman who took this XRP_Productions satire article a little too seriously below**...*
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A dried teardrop of appreciation visibly evident on the corresponding letter, a group of unknown cryptocurrency scammers gave a bag of cash and heartfelt 'thank you' note to video platform YouTube Monday for continuing to allow them to air their scam video ads for so long without any retribution.
“No, they didn't ask for the gift,” said one of the anonymous scammers to an XRP_Productions reporter in a phone interview. “But sometimes when someone does something nice for you, you just want to show your love, you know?”
Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao (CZ Binance) posting afrustrated tweetabout the rampant scam videos that caused crypto scammers to express undying adulation to YouTube Monday.
The scammer did not divulge how long they expected the free ride to last, but did say they “will take it as long as we can get it... duh!”
“It's just magnificent,” said the scammer, becoming a bit emotional. “YouTube is just being so wonderful to us. So wonderful...”
Coil subscribers can see another thank you gift that was waiting on YouTube's doorstep below
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Finally succumbing to the strain of incessantly being a grounded, fact-based supporter of the digital asset for years, popular Twitter personality Galgitron began boisterously hype-tweeting about XRP Sunday.
“WHO WANTS SOME EOY 2020 PRICE PREDICTIONS? WHOOHOOO!” said Galgitron in one tweet, despite previously being well known to sternly shut down any request for XRP price-calls. “SORRY, CAN'T GIVE YOU MY PREDICTION... BECAUSE I CAN'T FIT A ONE WITH THAT MANY ZEROS IN A TWEET! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!”
One of Twitter personality Galgitron's dozens of tweets hyping XRP Sunday, marking a significant change for the formerly deadpan digital asset advocate.
The change in approach will apparently find it's way into Galgitron's blogs as well, historically known to be the bastion of hype-free XRP dissertations.
“DON'T MISS MY NEXT BLOG!” Tweeted Galgitron. “ENTITLED: WHY XRP WILL BE $589 BY AUGUST! WOOOHOOOO!”
Coil subscribers can see who the new XRP-hype-man Galgitron has become a HUGE fan of since changing his style below
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Addressing the camera in his signature earnest and forthright manner Friday, popular online XRP personality DM Logic revealed his new, conservative prediction for the digital asset's moon date as “around July, 2146... or thereabouts... give or take a decade.”
“We have to temper our original expectations,” said Logic, rubbing his chin in deep contemplation while he spoke. “And don't get me wrong... I'm still holding and still 100% convinced about the explosive future for XRP. I just think we might need to give it a century or so.”
Popular online XRP personality DM Logic holding up an iPad image of the 2146 world that he predicts will be first to see an XRP price 'moon' in his conservative new outlook on the digital asset.
The passionate Logic reiterated several times that he is not even thinking of selling his XRP bags and is only suggesting that investors consider diversifying into other digital assets if they hope to see large short-term gains.
“Oh, without a doubt, one day XRP will moon so big it'll melt our faces,” said Logic. “Well, or our kids' faces. Or maybe grand-kids. Or great-grand-kids. But nonetheless...”
Coil subscribers can see DM Logic's biggest critic since his recent XRP prediction below
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In a shocking revelation with gargantuan implications Thursday, financial goliath Bank of America will reportedly be purchasing cryptocurrency custodial startup PolySign—at least that's what we think our reporter was saying to us over the poor cellphone connection when he was inside of the fake vending machine staged in the Silicon Valley company's break room.
“Hu— news!” said Senior Investigative Reporter Herb Gimbels to XRP_Productions' Editor-in-Chief Clay Finkelstein, his phone cutting in and out. “Ba-k- of —-erica... is b—ing —-olySign! This is enor—— —ews! Unbe—-able!”
Phony vending machine inside of the PolySign headquarters' break room encasing XRP_Productions' top investigative reporter Herb Gimbels.
Gimbels released other shocking pieces of information, at least we are pretty sure he did, including Arthur Britto's membership in the Illuminati and the fact that David Schwartz likes to kick vending machines that don't give him soda.
“David Sch—tz -eeps kic—ng me!” said Gimbels. “Why doe- he keep try— t- get soda from thi- ph-ny machi—?!”
Coil subscribers can see PROOF of Herb Gimbel's EARTH-SHATTERING crypto-news SCOOPS below
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Taking to social media to smear eggs on the faces of all who doubted the Ripple CEO, Brad Garlinghouse posted multiple tweets Wednesday gloating about the new Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC) announcement allowing banks the ability to custody cryptocurrencies.
“Well, well, well... what do we have here?” said Garlinghouse, linking an article about the OCC's decision in the first of two dozen salty posts. “Looks like the score is Garlinghouse: One, Douchebags: Zero!”
Fourth of Brad Garlinghouse's multiple tweets rubbing the OCC's bank/crypto announcement in the faces of naysayers Wednesday.
The Silicon-Valley star continued his social media rants into the night, ending with a final tweet displaying a bare-buttocksed-selfie that quickly went viral on the platform.
“Kiss it, haters!” said Garlinghouse in the final tweet. “KISS MY XRP MOON!!!”
Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse mooning the camera in his last tweet to haters below
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“XRP IS BEYOND A DOUBT GUARANTEED TO HIT $80 BY 2021” Wins First Race at Saratoga
