Enjoying a delicious 4-course meal finished with a heavenly chocolate mousse, dozens of executives from large banks attended the “Conform or Die” luncheon hosted by blockchain payments company Ripple in San Francisco Wednesday.
“I've said many times, Ripple is not about disruption but rather about empowering banks and payment companies,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “And this luncheon is to give a pleasant reminder to large banks that they need to empower themselves with Ripple and XRP on-demand liquidity before they perish and rot.”
Executives from Citibank discussing the possibilities of competitors dining on their rotting flesh if they do not adopt Ripple technology with XRP on-demand liquidity at Ripple's cordial “Conform or Die” luncheon.
The delightful occasion saw presentations from several Ripple executives concerning the exact path that small- and medium-sized payment companies would infiltrate the bankers' strongholds, slowly and painfully eating them from the inside out.
“It was a lovely and incredibly positive event,” said Garlinghouse, claiming that Ripple had already signed 10 of the participants to production contracts. “Nothing beats good food, lively discussions, and the very real threat of extinction...”
Coil subscribers can see a portion of David Schwartz's presentation to the bankers at the “Conform or Die” luncheon below
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Realizing it had clogged up the social media platform like giant greasy hairballs in a drain, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was forced to call Roto-Rooter technicians to snake the servers and begin clearing the blockage caused by promotional tweets from the cryptocurrency exchange Bitrue Wednesday.
“Yup, we're gettin' some nasty ones pulled out,” said Leonard Mingus, one of the two-dozen Roto-Rooter employees assigned to the dirty job. “This is gonna take a while. Probably gonna require some overtime.”
One of the countless Bitrue-promotion blockages removed from Twitter servers by Roto-Rooter technicians to clear up the workings of the social media platform.
Dorsey told XRP_Productions reporters he hopes to have the last of the obstructions removed by the end of the week and, time permitting, may have the technicians stay to remove other pesky items as well.
“I want to see if they can clear out those bullshit crypto-satire tweets,” said Dorsey. “Everyone hates those f*cking things.”
Coil subscribers can see some tweets that served as inspiration for this satire below
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Putting him in a firm headlock and administering a painful noogie, entrepreneur Michael Arrington made popular cryptocurrency advocate Anthony “Pomp” Pompliano admit that the digital asset XRP was “better than Bitcoin in every way” during a podcast interview Monday.
“Okay, now admit it's faster,” said Arrington, digging his knuckles into the scalp of Pomp as he squealed and writhed. “Admit it's more decentralized...”
“Ooooowwwwww! Alright, alright!” said Pomp. “It's faster! It's cheaper! It's more decentralized! It's better in every possible way EVER, now LEMME GO!!!”
XRP stats chart that Michael Arrington made Anthony “Pomp” Pompliano read to his audience during Pomp's podcast interview with the entrepreneur.
The die hard Bitcoin promoter was soured by the experience, which took place at the end of an otherwise peaceful interview.
“I don't know why he had to embarrass me like that,” said Pomp to XRP_Productions reporters. “I mean, I already knew it was true, but why did he have to make me say it out loud? Asshole!”
Coil subscribers can see Pomp's tweet about the podcast below...
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Nearly thirty years after inexplicably reliving the same day thousands of times, Phil Connors of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania became convinced he was trapped in time once again after seeing the daily results of his XRP investment.
“I keep looking for something different,” said Phil, a retired weatherman who made the investment in the digital asset with his wife Rita in late 2019. “But I don't see it. I know what's happening here. I've lived this before.”
Phil Connors, convinced he's once again living the same day over and over, avoiding friend Ned Ryerson who asks him daily, 'how's that XRP investment going?'
Desperately trying to find anything that has changed to confirm that he isn't trapped again in time, Connors visited XRP YouTube videos for anything remotely new.
“It was all the same shit,” said Connors, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters as he and his pet groundhog were driving recklessly toward a ravine. “Waiting for utility... partnerships... regulations... non-disclosure agreements...”
Coil subscribers can see Phil Connors' speech about the crypto winter below
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Casting aside the in-depth analysis of blockchain payments company Ripple and the digital asset XRP which garnered significant acclaim for his channel 'To the Lifeboats,' YouTube personality Sam I Am debuted his new focus Saturday, “El Chupacabra Deep Dives,” immediately dropping thousands of followers.
“This XRP stuff has been fun,” said Sam in his first video in the new line of content, “but let me introduce you to something with ten times the importance, mystery and intrigue... El Chupacabra!”
Popular XRP YouTuber 'Sam I Am' unveiling a key piece of evidence in the middle of his “El Chupacabra Deep Dive.” The content creator lost 20,000 subscribers overnight after deciding to move away from XRP content.
Undeterred by the rapid loss of followers, Sam informed XRP_Productions reporters he has no intention of returning to Ripple or XRP subject matter.
“I mean, really, what more is there to say about XRP?” said Sam. “It's time to talk about important stuff, people. It's time to talk about... El Chupacabra.”
Coil subscribers can see another XRP YouTuber who has switched to Chupacabra coverage below
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Pulling strenuously on an industrial strap while chanting “WHERE'S THE BANK MONEY,” hundreds of angry XRP holders converged in downtown San Francisco Friday to topple a statue of Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse.
“You promised us dozens of banks!” screamed 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus, stirring up a reckless fervor in the surrounding mob. “Where's our banks!? Where's our utility!? Where's our MOON!? WE WANT ANSWERS!!!”
Angry XRP holder Naga Beau proudly taking a picture in front of the toppled statue of Brad Garlinghouse in downtown San Francisco. The Shadow Magic practitioner has been one of the most outspoken XRP holders concerning the poor market performance of the digital asset.
A spokesperson for Ripple has informed XRP_Productions reporters that the company has “expressed time and again that we do not control the price of XRP, but will continue to build out it's ecosystem.”
“That's some bullsh*t right there,” said Naga Beau. “Where the mothaf**kin' bank money at?! I'm glad we pulled down that Barry Manilow-ass statue!”
*Coil subscribers can see how David Schwartz protected his statue from vandalism below...*
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Devoting five full chapters to the odd fixation, former national security advisor John Bolton exposed President Donald Trump's “strange and somewhat psychopathic obsession” with blockchain payments company Ripple and the digital asset XRP in his new tell-all book “The Room Where It Happened.”
“It was on his mind constantly,” wrote Bolton in his chapter titled Trump and That Damn Bear. “Most of the time, I couldn't get him off of crypto-Twitter... even in the middle of national security meetings!”
Image from John Bolton's new book displaying President Trump and wife Melania enjoying an evening XRP YouTube video. Bolton claimed the obsession began to reach “frightening levels” toward the end of his time in the administration.
Bolton described the “painful but necessary” conversation he had to initiate after the president attempted to hang a poster of his favorite Ripple employee, Miguel Vias, in the Oval Office.
“I told him, 'Mr. President, enough is enough!'” said Bolton. “Would you believe it... the bastard FIRED me!”
Coil subscribers can see the previous Trump coverage by XRP_Productions documenting his XRP obsession before any other news outlet below
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Tragically wasting a golden opportunity that he'd been diligently working toward for years, popular XRP YouTube personality “The Digital Asset Investor” (DAI) interviewed Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse Wednesday but was too starstruck to be able to ask any questions.
“Mr.... um... Mr. Bradlinghouse... I mean... Mr. Gardlinghouse... I... uhhh...,” said DAI with a classic 'deer-in-the-headlights' look on his face as the interview began. “I... I'm such a big fan of... of yours and XPR... Uhhh... I mean XRP...”
Mega-popular YouTuber “The Digital Asset Investor” beginning to hyperventilate thirty seconds into his interview with Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse. The XRP advocate was far too overcome by star-sickness to ask even a single question.
The awkward interview with the Ripple leader consisted of five painful minutes of stammering and mumbling, ending after DAI put a cold, wet cloth on his forehead and leaned back in his chair, ultimately falling over backwards and never returning into view.
“Yeah, he kinda choked with that one,” said fellow YouTuber Brad Kimes to XRP_Productions reporters. “But this was a big moment for DAI. I hope Garlinghouse gives him a mulligan.”
*Coil subscribers can see an additional scene from the DAI Brad Garlinghouse interview below**...*
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His utter coding genius ultimately becoming his downfall in a tragic twist of fate, Ripple CTO David Schwartz accidentally downloaded himself into the XRP Ledger Tuesday night with no current hope of return.
“I didn't even know it was possible,” said fellow coder-extraordinaire and longtime friend Nik Bougalis. “And I'm gonna miss him terribly, but I must say... THIS... IS... AWESOME! WOWEEE!!!”
Teams of programmers from across the world immediately began collaborating to attempt to find a way to free the amicable co-creator of the XRP Ledger, with a handful briefly able to establish contact.
David Schwartz briefly able to communicate with expert XRP Ledger programmer Weitse Wind. Schwartz's message and appearance seem to indicate the Ripple CTO is thus far finding ways to survive inside the ledger.
“He always talked about pushing the limits of the ledger... you know, seeing what it could really do,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, speaking with XRP_Productions reporters. “And I would constantly warn him about his bold and reckless experiments. For good reason, it turns out. Godspeed, David.”
*Coil subscribers can see David Schwartz's final transmission from within the ledger below**...*
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Showing their well-seasoned crypto-world savvy Tuesday, the online 'XRP Community' began preparing stockpiles of sharpened pitchforks and thick torches in anticipation of the possibility that PayPal will not list the third-ranked digital asset when they soon allow their 325 million worldwide customers to purchase cryptocurrencies.
“Yeah, we're pretty seasoned at being jerked around by these big exchanges,” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus, tightly wrapping barbed wire around a baseball bat. “Coinbase, Gemini, yadda yadda... but we've learned how to deal with it. Hey, Chip, how those Molotav Cocktails comin'?”
Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss, founders of the crypto exchange Gemini, displaying theanti-XRP biasthat has caused the online XRP community to be suspicious about the upcoming PayPal crypto platform.
Despite the wariness, most in the community feel that PayPal's future plans are overall very positive for the cryptocurrency space.
“Oh yeah, it really is wonderful news,” said Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters. “But if they f*ck around and don't list XRP from the start, ol' Lucille here is gonna have to have a discussion with 'em.”
Coil subscribers can see a portion of Mingus' speech about PayPal listing XRP below
Ripple Hosts “Conform or Die” Luncheon for Large Bankers
