Taking his time and silently nodding after each paragraph, two-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Toronto, Canada read a geopolitical/XRP article by JC Collins Sunday and fraudulently acted like he understood it.
“That was a great article,” said Mingus to his wife, becoming nervous when she asked him what it was about. “Oh... um... big world changes. Secret plans... government and financial stuff, you know... good for XRP, that's the bottom line.”
Small section of the complicated geopolitical/XRP article read by Leonard Mingus Sunday. The XRP holder feigned understanding despite being completely clueless concerning the content.
After finishing the article, Mingus began perusing YouTube for other interesting content that he would surely not grasp, settling on a Jim Rickards financial lecture.
“This is gonna be good,” said Mingus. “I love soaking up this stuff...”
Coil subscribers can see Mingus's take on the Jim Rickards lecture below
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Taking inspiration from the recent successful Dogecoin promotion on the social media platform, Marcus Treacher, SVP of Customer Success at blockchain payments company Ripple released a series of dance videos on TikTok Friday encouraging people to buy up the digital asset XRP and causing an amazing 80% price increase overnight.
“My name is Hot-Marcus and I'm here to say...” said Treacher in an old-school rap delivery as he boogied down in his first video, “If you wanna get rich, it's the easiest way: X-to-the-R-to-the-P... word up!”
XRP_Productionsinvestigative chart implying the immediate impact of Marcus Treacher's TikTok dance videos on the price of XRP Friday.
The executive was lauded by fellow Ripple employees, the highest praise coming from those who hold the largest amount of the digital asset.
“Marcus, you beautiful man, you!” said Chris Larsen, Chairman of Ripple's Board of Directors who's rumored to hold many billion XRP. “DAMNIT, MARCUS, I COULD KISS YOU RIGHT NOW!!!”
Coil subscribers can see David Schwartz join Marcus Treacher in his second TikTok XRP dance video below
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Becoming the second financial institution executive to have done so in the past week, JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon announced his investment in the digital asset XRP Thursday, taking to crypto-Twitter to ask for advice on whether it was a smart choice.
“What do you think, guys?” said Dimon in one of several tweets querying the platform about his recent stake. “Seems like a pretty good one, yes? No? Don't wanna lose my ass here, lol.”
JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon tweeting about his recent XRP investment and receiving a lot of spirited feedback Thursday night.
The banking veteran informed XRP_Productions reporters that he will stick with his investment, even though his Twitter inquiries resulted in inconclusive data.
“Half the people confirmed what I thought—that it has amazing potential,” said Dimon, scrolling through his Twitter feed. “The other half said it's an evil, centralized, anti-crypto pile of pig vomit. Oh well... lemme see what they think about Doge...”
Coil subscribers can see the Twitter feedback for Jamie Dimon's question about DogeCoin below
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Mounting the giant beast and shouting “LET HER RIP” as steel gates flung open in an arena outside of San Francisco, Ripple CTO David Schwartz debuted his new hobby of bull riding Wednesday night, causing the online XRP community to lose their collective shit.
“Cool your cow pies,” said Schwartz on Twitter to the legions of XRP holders who thought his new recreational activity was an unmistakable hint that a bull run is imminent. “I just like to try new things.”
Ripple CTO David Schwartz discussing his newfound passion for bull riding for an upcoming episode of 'The Ripple Drop' with Reinhard Cate.
The co-creator of the XRP Ledger informed XRP_Productions reporters that he plans to continue to ride his bulls, potentially even through the spring of 2021.
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” said Schwartz. “Gonna ride the bulls well into 2021. After that, maybe I might ride a bear or two for a while. You never know. Wink, wink.”
Coil subscribers can see David Schwartz's cryptic tweet about his bull riding below
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Fighting for years to overcome an unsavory reputation in order to gain the trust of the mainstream, cryptocurrency Bitcoin was dealt a serious blow Tuesday when new photos were uncovered showing its infamous creator, Satoshi Nakamoto, spending quality time with sex-offender socialite Jeffrey Epstein.
“I've been trying to tell you for years,” said long-time Bitcoin detractor and gold advocate Peter Schiff. “Drugs... illegal activity... that's all Bitcoin is good for. Am I surprised Satoshi was a buddy of Epstein's? N-O.”
Bitcoin creator Satoshi Nakamoto mobbed outside his Sheboygan, Wisconsin residence byXRP_Productionsreporters. The reclusive genius refused to answer any questions about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.
While the recent photographs further stain the image of the original cryptocurrency, others in the blockchain world have been inspired to use the opportunity to express their piety.
“We are proud to be a wholesome and law-abiding crypto company,” said Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of Silicon Valley company Ripple, who uses the digital asset XRP as liquidity in their cross-border payment solutions. “And we are one of the few large companies to have no previous ties to Jeffrey Epstein. In fact, it's the first thing we tell all of our clients: At Ripple, we are Epstein-free.”
*Coil subscribers can see an additional photo of Satoshi Nakamoto at an Epstein party below**...*
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Telling himself “it's only for a little while,” 3-year cryptocurrency investor Leonard Mingus of Modesto, California rented a studio apartment Monday so that he could see his new digital asset flame VeChain (VET) on the side without his steady digital asset XRP finding out.
“I really like you, Vettie,” said Mingus, using his pet name for the token and passion-purchasing a few thousand more VET from within the confines of the apartment Monday night. “And I want to keep seeing you... but just know, I can't leave XRP after all we've been through...”
Line of obsessive text messages sent to the digital token VET by long-time XRP holder Leonard Mingus.
The 36-year-old accountant told XRP_Productions reporters he wasn't looking for the new relationship, but that he admits things were getting “a little unhappy at home” with XRP recently.
“I still love her, ya know?” said Mingus of XRP. “And I still believe in her utility long-term. But she doesn't seem to care about price pumps anymore. I mean, I'm a man... I have needs. Am I just supposed to ignore my needs?!”
*Coil subscribers can see what happens when David Schwartz finds out about Mingus's dalliances with VET below**...*
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Proving that they feel the heat from hungry competitors in the cross-border payment world, mega-bank conglomerate Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication (SWIFT) has announced a multi-million dollar investment in thousands of state-of-the-art fax machines Monday.
“It's a new era,” said SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso, “in which people expect accuracy and timeliness in cross border payments. At SWIFT, we're ready to up our game.”
SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso showing off the 'Sharp FO-1450', one of the thousands of premium fax machines recently purchased by the cross-border payments conglomerate in a multi-million dollar effort to improve their payment services.
Tasso expressed confidence that the upgrades would sufficiently compete with innovations such as Ripplenet, which offers users cross-border payment finality in three seconds, bypassing clunky Nostro-Vostro settlement arrangements by accessing 'on-demand liquidity' through the digital asset XRP.
“Yeah, sure, they have 3-second payments and on-demand liquidity,” said Tasso, “but we have speed-dial and 20-second message printing onto fax paper. I think we'll be just fine, thank you very much.”
Coil subscribers can see another advanced technology SWIFT is considering to improve their process below
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Posting a heartfelt article Sunday which apologized profusely to all patrons of the innovative blogging platform, Coil.com has suspended the account of XRP the Standard Productions after discovering that every one of their crypto news articles is completely and utterly false.
“We feel foolish,” said Coil CEO Stefan Thomas to XRP_Productions reporters. “We definitely should have caught this earlier. We have removed their account. Rest assured, their reign of fake news terror is over.”
“No. No way,” said Thomas. “I've known David for a long time. He's maybe 10 feet or so, but no way is he 12 feet tall. I knew something wasn't right about this story...”
Coil CEO Stefan Thomas (with Ripple board member Chris Larsen) speaking with XRP_Productions reporters about the XRP_Productions story that first caused him to consider the crypto-news outlet was performing fake journalism.
The revolutionary blogging platform has vowed to ramp up it's site security and involvement to make sure no such infiltration of bullshit news ever occurs again.
“Fool us once, shame on you,” said Thomas. “Fool us twice... shame... on... the point is, you can't let yourself get fooled twice.”
*Coil subscribers can see the disguise that XRP the Standard Productions put on to regain access to the site to continue publishing their bullshit below**...*
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Attempting to settle a bet between two of their staff reporters Saturday, online crypto satire outlet XRP the Standard Productions headlined an article “XRP is About to Pump to $220: Here’s Why...”
“I bet a headline like that will get 3,000 link clicks,” said Senior Investigative Reporter Herb Gimbels. “Especially if we put Amazon and Bank of America in the thumbnail... I’d bet a thousand XRP on it!”
“I’ll take that action,” said staff Photoshop technician Somdev Chopra. “People aren’t that dumb, Herb. The tweet might get a couple dozen hateful comments about us being irresponsible, but never 3,000 link clicks.”
Recently-opened Las Vegas sportsbooks catching wind of the XRP_Productions article bet and offering patrons the ability to get in on the action. Current odds are listed at -125 in favor of the article getting 3,000 or more link clicks.
The online XRP community began placing their own bets on the article, with a nearly even split between those in favor of Herb and those in favor of Somdev.
“I just got ten-to-one odds on 5,000 link clicks,” said XRP holder Adam Waring. “If it goes over 5K, I'm gonna be a rich man!”
*Jokes aside, Coil subscribers can see some very interesting inside information that might send XRP soaring soon**...*
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Coming out of seclusion after eight full months of absence from the online XRP community, mega-popular blogger Hodor was hired by satirical crypto-news outlet XRP the Standard Productions Thursday but fired after his initial day of work.
“Brilliant blogger, especially about XRP,” said XRP_Productions' Editor-In-Chief Clay Finkelstein. “But Holy Jeebus, his satire sucked!”
First of twenty pages of awful satirical ideas presented by Hodor on his initial day with XRP the Standard Productions. The famous XRP blogger was let go by the end of the day.
The legendary XRP community member was reportedly ready to begin blogging about Ripple and XRP again in addition to writing satire but has reconsidered after being canned.
“Sorry, XRP community,” said Hodor. “Blame those a**holes at XRP the Standard Productions!”
*Coil subscribers can see a segment of one of Hodor's horrible satirical articles below**...*
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Man Reads JC Collins Geopolitical/XRP Article, Pretends to Understand It
